Al Lubel & Barry Marder

  • Season 1, Ep 18
  • 02/24/1992

Al Lubel & Barry Marder

AND I'M GLAD TO MAKE A LIVINGIN THE ARTS DURING A RECESSION.

AND KIDS, VOTE!

VOTE...

YOU KNOW WHAT I FEEL?

( applause )

FIVE DEMOCRATS, SIX DEMOCRATS...

KNOW WHAT I FEEL BAD ABOUT?

AND ALL THE REPUBLICANSIN THE AUDIENCE

AND... AND WATCHING?

IT'S THAT DEMOCRATIC RESPONSETO PRESIDENT BUSH'S...

HE GETS OBLIGATORY APPLAUSE.

HE GOES: ( burps )

"I HAVE A LITTLE GAS."

HEY, HE HAD GAS.

THEN THEY CUT BACKTO SOME POOR DEMOCRAT GOING

"I THINK IT WAS A MISTAKETHAT HE SAID THAT."

IT'S NOT FAIR, NOT FUNNY--JUST A POLITICAL THING

BECAUSE I'M OVER 40,I COULD DIE AT ANY MOMENT.

I DON'T NEED LAUGHS ANYMORE.

I HAVE PSORIASIS.

WHEN YOU HAVE PSORIASIS

WHEN YOU WAKE UPAND LOOK IN THE MIRROR

AND YOU SEE A THING PEELING,YOU DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

I'VE BEEN LUCKYTHE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS.

I WAS ON TELEVISION WITH JAMIELEE CURTIS, ANYTHING BUT LOVE

HUH?

AM I RIGHT OR AM I WRONG?

WHICH MY OWN STUDIO YANKEDOFF THE SCHEDULE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I SPIT ON YOU,BUT I'LL SEND YOU...

WANT SPONGES FOR CHRISTMAS?

I COULD SEND YOU A WHOLE...A WHOLE LOAD OF THEM.

BUT, UH... NO, IT'S BEENA GREAT COUPLE OF YEARS FOR ME

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.

PEOPLE KNOW ME NOW.

I STRUGGLED FOR 20 YEARSOR 15 YEARS, WHATEVER IT WAS.

NOW I GET CALLSON MY ANSWERING MACHINE:

"THE BLACK CROWS WILL HELPYOU BREAK YOUR YOM KIPPUR FAST."

THOSE KIND OF THINGS.

BUT I'M MOST WORRIED ABOUT,YOU KNOW IF I REALLY...

YOU KNOW, IF I REALLY...YOU KNOW

THE TABLOIDS, QUITE FRANKLY--

THOSE TRASHOIDS-- YOU KNOW,I JUST... I'M FRIGHT...

YOU KNOW THOSE THINGS...HEADLINES:

LOSE FIVE POUNDS, YOU KNOW,AND COMMUNICATE WITH THE DEAD.

THOSE KIND OF... THOSEARE THE HEADLINES, YOU KNOW

SO I... I'M WORRIED ABOUT THAT.

I'VE READ, YOU KNOW...

LIKE, ALF IS BISEXUAL,WHICH IS FINE

BUT YOU READ THAT CRAP,YOU KNOW, IN THOSE.

NOT THAT THAT'S CRAPBY ANY STRETCH OF...

BY ANY STRETCHOF THE SEXUAL IMAGINATION

BUT I WAS IN ONEABOUT THREE WEEKS AGO

AND MY MOTHER WENT CRAZY.

FIRST OF ALL, SHE READS THEM.

SHE GETS THEM AT THE SAFEWAYOR WHEREVER SHE SHOPS.

SHE SAYS, "I DIDN'T KNOWYOU WERE GOING TO MOVE TO MARS."

I SAID, "MOTHER,NO, I'M NOT MOVING TO MARS.

THEY DON'T HAVE CONDOS ON MARS."

I MEAN, SHE ACTUALLY...

BUT PEOPLE BELIEVE THIS CRAP,YOU KNOW.

AND I WAS LINKED WITHA HOMICIDAL, TRANSSEXUAL RABBI.

SO SHE CALLED ME AND SHE SAID...

I SAID, "LOOK, IT'S ALL,IT'S ALL CRAP.

THEY WRITE THIS,THEY MAKE IT UP."

AND SHE SAYS, "WELL..."

BUT SHE BELIEVED IT.

SHE WENT,"WELL, AT LEAST HE'S JEWISH.

EARLIER ON IN THE SHOW

AND THIS CELEBRITY CRAP

AND HEY! YOU KNOW, I'M OLD,I COULD DIE AT ANY MOMENT

I COULD, YOU KNOW...I'VE BEEN AROUND

BUT I DO CHARITIES.

ACTUALLY I DID A BENEFITFOR THE BIG BROTHERS.

ACTUALLY, IT WAS...

THERE'S A BIG BROTHERS PROGRAMALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY

AND ALSO THERE'SA JEWISH BIG BROTHERS

AND I HAD TO CHUCKLE JUST A TADBECAUSE I JUST...

I SAW MYSELFAS A JEWISH BIG BROTHER

AND I SAID, UH... TO MYSELF

GEE, THE KIDS, YOU KNOW,I PICK THEM UP

AND I GO, "YOU KNOW, YOU DON'TWANT TO GO TO DISNEYLAND.

"IT'S... IT'S DRIZZLING OUTAND I...

"WHY DON'T WE JUST COMEPLAY GIN TOGETHER AT MY HOUSE

AND IT'LL BE A KIND OF..."

IT WAS REALLY SCARYBEING ON TELEVISION

IN PRIME TIME FOR... WHATEVER IT WAS... FOUR YEARS

AND SOME TOY COMPANYCALLED MY AGENT AND SAID

( low voice: )"DOES MR. LEWIS WANT TO HAVE..."

I DON'T DO IMPRESSIONS.

ANYWAY, HE COULD HAVE SAID

( high voice: )"DOES MR. LEWIS WANT TO HAVEA TOY IN HIS LIKENESS?"

I MEAN, THAT WAS SCARY.

THEY WERE GOING TO CALL IT--

BECAUSE I'M A HYPOCHONDRIAC--"MR. CLAMMY," WHICH SCARED ME.

HE WAS LIKE A REAL ESTATE AGENT.

"IT'S GOING TO BEAN ACTION, COUGHING FIGURE.

"IT'LL BE GREAT.

"THERE'LL BE A SECRET DROOLBUTTON, YOU KNOW, IN THE BACK.

"AND THE PEG LEG IS OPTIONAL--KIDS DON'T HAVE TO BUY IT

AND ASPIRIN'S NOT INCLUDED."

ANYWAY, I WANT TO BRING OUTSOMEBODY WHO I KNOW...