J.J. Wall & Mark Brazill

  • Season 1, Ep 0146
  • 02/24/1992

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW,WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL--

I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOLIN SCOTTSDALE, ARIZONA

SO IT WAS LITTLE STRANGE--

PEOPLE REALLY WEREN'T INTOTHE EXOTIC LOOK THEN.

GUYS WEREN'T TURNED ONTO THAT.

THEY WERE MORE INTOA CHRISTIE BRINKLEY THING.

SO I ALWAYS FELTA LITTLE LEFT OUT

AND OF COURSEI WANTED THE GUYS TO DIG ME

BUT THEY WEREN'T READYFOR ME THEN.

( laughter )

AND YOU KNOW

A LOT OF PEOPLE ARECOMING TO TERMS WITH... YOU KNOW

BAD CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

LIKE, A LOT OF ITIS SEXUAL ABUSE

LIKE YOU KNOW,ROSEANNE ARNOLD HAS, YOU KNOW

CONFESSED HER WHOLE SITUATIONWITH HER FAMILY

AND I RECENTLY STARTED TO SEEA PSYCHIATRIST

AND I'VE BEEN GOINGUNDER HYPNOTHERAPY.

AND I HAD A KIND OF STRANGESEXUAL EXPERIENCE IN HIGH SCHOOL

AND I...IT WASN'T A BAD ONE, THOUGH.

IT WAS KIND OF...IT WAS KIND OF GREAT.

( laughter )

BUT IT'S VERY INTENSE

AND I'M REALLY COMING TO TERMSWITH IT RIGHT NOW:

I'M GOING TO TELL YOU.

( laughter )

I WAS DRIVING THROUGH THE DESERTONE NIGHT

JUST BORED OUT OF MY MIND,YOU KNOW... EXTREMELY LONELY.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, THEREWAS A FLASH, A BRIGHT FLASH

AND I DON'T REMEMBERREALLY ANYTHING AFTER THAT

EXCEPT THIS PAST COUPLE WEEKS

I'VE BEEN UNRAVELINGWHAT HAPPENED.

I WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS.

( laughter )

AND THE ONE ALIEN--I THINK HE WAS A MAN.

I REALLY THINK HE WAS A MAN.

HE WAS BEAUTIFUL.

HE HAD EYES LIKE JIM MORRISON.

HE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL,AND I WENT TO KISS HIM

BUT HE HAD NO MOUTH SO I...

( laughter )

AND OF COURSE YOU KNOWTHEY'RE VERY INTO ANAL PROBES.

THAT'S HOW THEY...

BUT IT'S LIKE ALLPART OF THEIR BODY.

HE HAD A LONG, LONG, LONG FINGERWITH A LIGHT ON THE END OF IT.

AND IT FELT INCREDIBLE.

IT WAS JUST SO AMAZING.

( laughter )

AND THEY DRESSED GREAT.

THEY WERE WEARING LIKETHIERRY MUGLER OR SOMETHING--

VERY FUTURISTIC.

INCREDIBLE TASTE, YOU KNOW.

AND THEN YOU KNOW,THE NEXT THING I KNEW

I WAS BACK IN MY CARDRIVING HOME.

AND OF COURSE, SUBLIMINALLY,SUBCONSCIOUSLY

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR HIM SINCE.

HE NEVER CAME BACK,WHICH DISTURBS ME

BECAUSE MAYBE IT WASN'TA GOOD EXPERIENCE FOR HIM.

BUT I AM COMINGTO TERMS WITH IT NOW.

THAT'S AFFECTED THE WAY I'MFEELING ABOUT MYSELF THESE DAYS.

I WANTED TO SHARE THAT WITH YOU.

IT'S THE FIRST TIME

I'VE COME OUTAND TALKED ABOUT IT.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT ITTO PEOPL MAGAZINE.

I'D RATHER DO IT IN AMORE INTIME SETTING LIKE TONIGHT

THANK YOU FOR LISTENINGAND BEING A PART OF IT.

THANK YOU, REALLY.

I'M HAPPY.

( applause )

THANK YOU.

HAVE ANOTHER ROUND OF APPLAUSEFOR OUR HOST--

SANDRA BERNHARD.

( applause )

HOW ABOUT SOME APPLAUSEFOR THIS GUY HERE?

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIMEHE HAD A ROUND OF APPLAUSE?

VERY NICE.

GOT A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

YEAH, 1992.

I'M RAISING A CHILD...

( smattering of applause )

IN HOLLYWOOD.

( laughter )

A GIRL CHILD.

( light laughter )

I'M GLAD THIS IS STRIKING TERRORINTO OTHER PEOPLE'S HEARTS.

IT'S JUST AMAZING.

SHE'S FOUR YEARS OF AGE NOW

AND MY DAUGHTER WILL TURN 13IN THE YEAR 2001.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOWWHAT SEXUAL PRACTICES

TEENAGE KIDS WILL BE INTOBY THE YEAR 2001.

WITH ANY LUCK,EVERYTHING WILL BE SO POLLUTED

SHE'LL BE WRAPPEDHEAD TO TOE IN PLASTIC

AND NO ONE WILL BE ABLETO LAY A HAND ON HER.

BUT THAT'S JUSTA FATHER'S HOPE FOR THE FUTURE.

THINGS ARE CHANGING ANDI'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND.

THERE'S A FEMALE CONDOM NOW...OR IF IT'S NOT ON THE MARKET

IT'S GOING TO BE TOMORROW.

IT HAS BEEN DEVELOPED.

IT'S ABOUT TO BE...A SPRING-LOADED FEMALE CONDOM--

WHICH IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT

MEANS A LOT OF EVENINGSARE GOING TO END

BEFORE THEY EVER START.

WE'LL HAVE: BING!

WHO-OO!

WELL, THANKS FOR DINNER.

GOOD NIGHT.

( laughter )

FOUR-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND WE'REGETTING TO THAT POINT NOW--

THE BIG QUESTIONS:

WHAT RELIGION DO WE RAISE HER?

SHE'S FOUR; SHE'S STARTING TONOTICE THOSE KIND OF THINGS.

I WAS RAISED IRISH CATHOLIC.

NOT ONEOF YOUR MELLOW RELIGIONS.

NOT ONE OF THOSE:

"OH, YOU MAY BE RIGHT,WE MAY BE RIGHT.

WHO'S TO REALLY SAY?"

NOT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.

THE CATHOLIC CHURCH IS MORE LIKETHE MARINE CORPS OF RELIGION--

"WE'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE WRONG,CASE CLOSED, GO TO HELL."

( laughter )

MY WIFE IS EPISCOPALIAN.

I LIKE THE EPISCOPALIANSA LITTLE BIT MORE

BECAUSE THEY'RE MORE LAID BACK.

THEY REALLY HAVE TO BE

BECAUSE THE ONLY REASONTHE EPISCOPALIANS EXIST

IS THAT HENRY VIII WANTEDA DIVORCE TO MARRY ANOTHER BABE.

I THINK WHEN YOUR HOLY PICTURE

IS THIS FAT GUY WITH TWO BLONDS,A LEG OF MUTTON

AND A BUDWEISER HATWITH A STRAW...

I THINK IT PUTS RELIGIONINTO PERSPECTIVE.

WHEN I WAS YOUNGER

I ACTUALLY THOUGHTTHE MORMONS WERE A COOL RELIGION

BECAUSE OFTHAT MULTIPLE-WIFE THING.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS PRETTY SEXY--MULTIPLE WIVES

AND THEN I GOT MARRIED...

( laughter )

AND I REALIZED THAT ONE WIFEIS CERTAINLY ENOUGH FOR ANY MAN.

NOW I HAVE A CHILD--

A CHILD BORN INTO THIS WORLD,FOUR YEARS OLD.

MARRIED 14 YEARS.

SO BASICALLY I FINALLY GOTMY WIFE TO SLEEP WITH ME

TEN YEARS INTO IT.

WE MADE GOOD USE OF THE TIME.

I DON'T KNOW.

EVEN THINGS I THOUGHT I KNEW,I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

YOU HAVE THESE CONVICTIONS--

I REMEMBER DURING VIETNAMI WAS ELIGIBLE FOR THE DRAFT

AND I REMEMBER THINKING

"NON-VIOLENCE IS THE ONLY WAYTO DEAL WITH THE PROBLEM.

I'LL BE IN CANADAIF ANYONE REALLY NEEDS ME."

( laughter )

NOW I'M OF AN AGEWHERE NO ONE'S GOING TO DRAFT ME

AND DRAG MY SORRY ASSANYWHERE TO FIGHT.

IT GETS AN AWFUL LOT EASIERTO SIT HOME WITH THAT TV:

"IRAQ...WARFARE, ARMED INTERVENTION.

"THAT'S THE ONLY WAYTO DEAL THIS GUY.

"HONEY, GET ME ANOTHERBEER, WILL YOU, PLEASE?

"I'M DOINGSOME MILITARY THINKING.

WATCHING THE WAR HERE ON TV."

WATCH YOURSELF--YOU CAN GET CARRIED AWAY.

I BROUGHT A CHILDINTO THIS WORLD.

THAT'S WHAT SCARES ME--

THE WORLD SCARES ME MORE.

THERE SEEMS TO BESO MANY HATEMONGERS.

SO MANY PEOPLE MONGERING HATE.

I THINK IT'S A RIDICULOUS THING.

I THINK PREJUDICE IS ONE OFTHE MOST STUPID THINGS ON EARTH

BECAUSE THERE ARESO MANY PERFECTLY GOOD REASONS

TO DISLIKE PEOPLEON AN INDIVIDUAL BASIS.

( applause and cheering )

THEY'RE OUT THERE.

WE LIVE IN A WORLDWHERE A JURY WILL NOT BELIEVE

WHAT ACTUALLY OCCURSRIGHT BEFORE THEIR EYES.

IT'S AMAZING TO ME

THAT A LAWYER STOOD UPIN FRONT OF...

"WHAT YOU SEE WITH YOUR EYES,NO, THAT NEVER OCCURRED."

BUT IF I EVER COMMIT A CRIME,THAT'S WHO I WANT TO DEFEND ME.

I WANT HIM TO GET UP

AND SAY,"NO, HE WASN'T ROBBING THE BANK.

HE WAS MERELY SHOWING EVERYONEHIS NEW GUN."

WEIRD WORLD, WEIRD PEOPLE.

I'M GLAD DAVID DUKE HASKIND OF BITTEN THE BULLET NOW.

I'M GLAD HE'S OUT.

( applause )

DAVID DUKE--

THIS SLIME-COVERED,RAT-INFESTED, LICE-EATINGPIECE OF SNAIL SPUTUM...

( applause )

CRAWLED OUTFROM UNDER SOME ROCK.

AND I SAY THATWITH ALL DUE RESPECT.

BUT HE'S GONE ANDTHAT'S A GOOD THING.

I THINK THAT'S A GOOD THING.

MY GRANDFATHER WOULD BEHAPPY ABOUT THAT.

MY GRANDFATHER WAS A NICE GUY--DIED AT 97 YEARS OF AGE.

STARTED TO DRIFTA BIT TOWARD THE END.

ANYONE THAT TELLS YOUTHAT SOMEONE 97 IS

STILL JUST AS SHARP AS A TACKIS FULL OF IT.

THEY START TO DRIFT.

MY GRANDFATHER DID.

HE'D GO OUT FORHIS CONSTITUTIONAL AFTER DINNER.

HE'D GO OUT FOR HIS WALK

AND WE'D START TO HEAR HIM AGAINABOUT FIVE HOUSES DOWN.

HE'D BE WALKING ALONG:

( speaking gibberish )

( chortles )

( continues speaking gibberish )

WHOA-WHOA-WHOA-WHOA!

( chuckles )

OVERSHOT THE WHOLE DAMN HOUSE!

HO!

OW!

OH, I THOUGHT I WAS TALLER.

BEAUTIFUL DAY, BEAUTIFUL DAY.

YOU'VE DONEA LOT OF WORK ON THE HOUSE--

YOU PAINTED THAT FRONT DOOR?

I LIKE IT, I LIKE IT, I LIKE IT,I LIKE IT, I LIKE IT, I LIKE IT.

APPARENTLY, I LIKE ITA LITTLE MORE THAN I THOUGHT.

BEAUTIFUL DAY.

THIS REMINDS ME OF THE DAYI COME HOME FROM WORLD WAR I.

OH, I REMEMBER THAT DAY.

I REMEMBER THAT DAYLIKE YESTERDAY.

( laughter )

NOPE, THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY TRUE.

DON'T REMEMBER A DAMN THINGABOUT YESTERDAY.

1919, THOUGH...BIG DAY IN MY LIFE.

THAT'S WHEN I MET MY NELLIE.

I LOOKED ACROSS THE PIERAND SAW HER.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, 1919,BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

FULL SET OF TEETH.

OH, NOT 'MORE, GOD BLESS HER.

MY NELLIE'S DOWN THREE TEETH.

THREE TEETH LEFTIN HER WHOLE DAMN HEAD.

ALL IN THE BACKON THE BOTTOM.

THE MOST USELESS PLACE FORTHREE TEETH YOU CAN THINK OF.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I TRY TO HELP WHENEVER I CAN.

I WENT OUT, I WENT OUT,I WENT OUT, I WENT OUT...

I GUESSI WENT OUT SEVERAL TIMES.

I GOT A PAIR OF THEMARTIFICIAL CHOPPERS.

DENTURES-- UPPERS AND LOWERS,WHOLE NINE YARDS.

SHE KEPT FORGETTING TO PUT THEMIN HER MOUTH--

LEFT THEM LYINGAROUND THE HOUSE.

ONE OF THE GRANDKIDS COME OVER--

SCARED THE HELLOUT OF THE POOR LITTLE BASTARD.

I TOLD HIMGRANDMA DISINTEGRATED.

THAT'S ALL THAT'S LEFT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU WERE GREAT.

( applause )

THANK YOU.

WELL, MY NAME'S MARK BRAZIL ANDI'M ORIGINALLY FROM NEW YORK.

( cheering, applause )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU.

I MOVED HERE...

I MOVED TO LOS ANGELESABOUT TWO YEARS AGO

BECAUSE TIMING IS EVERYTHING.

I GOT HERE RIGHT IN TIME

FOR THE FLOODS, THE EARTHQUAKES,THE RIOTS.

( light laughter )

I STAYED FOR THE RIOTS TOO.

I WASN'T A CHICKEN.

I DIDN'T RUN OUT OF TOWN.

I WAS HERE FOR THE WHOLE THING.

IF YOU WEREN'T HERE

TO TELL YOU HOW BAD IT WASIN LOS ANGELES DURING THE RIOTS

PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLYFLOODING INTO TIJUANA.

GET-AWAY WEEKEND IN TIJUANA.

THAT'S HOW BAD.

I THINK IT BROUGHTTHE CITY TOGETHER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

DO YOU THINK SO?

IT DID, BECAUSE IFYOU WERE WATCHING ON TV...

DID YOU SEE THE PEOPLE LOOTING?

IT WAS WHITES, BLACKS,MEXICANS-- ALL LOOTING TOGETHER.

IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL.

TAKING FROM THE RICH.

IT WAS SO GREAT TO WATCH.

THEY SAID THERE WAS SOMETHINGLIKE 42...

LIKE 4,200 FIRES IN 24 HOURS.

AND THE JAPANESE SAIDWE'RE LAZY.

WELL, THAT'S A BUNCHOF CRAP, OKAY?

I'D LIKE TO SEE THE JAPANESEAT 4,200 FIRES IN 24 HOURS.

THEY DIDN'T EVEN SET THAT MANYIN PEARL HARBOR

AND THEY HAD TIME TO PLAN.

WE WERE WORKINGSPUR OF THE MOMENT.

WE BEAT THEIR ASS, OKAY?

THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT.

I LOVE SEEING THAT...

DID YOU SEEAT U.C.-BERKELEY, U.C.-SAN DIEGO

ALL THE WHITE KIDS PROTESTING?

YEAH, BECAUSE THEY KNOW

WHAT IT'S LIKE TO TAKE ITFROM THE MAN.

SURE THEY DO... OKAY.

"THIS CAT PULLED ME OVERIN MY BEAMER AND I PUKED ON HIM

AND HE CALLED MY MOM."

THAT'S HORRIBLE, MAN.

THAT'S SO WRONG.

WHAT WAS THE BIG PLAN?

DARYL GATES, TOM BRADLEY--WHAT WAS THEIR BIG SOLUTION?

CURFEW.

YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

"JOEY, WE JUST ROBBEDEVERYTHING IN THE STORE

"AND BURNED IT TO THE GROUND.

"HOLY CRAP, IT'S 6:30!

WE GOT TO GET HOME, MAN."

( laughter )

YEAH.

SEE OUR FEARLESS LEADER?

PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH COMES ON,HE'S ON TV AND HE'S GOING

"TELL YOU WHAT: SHOCKED,SHOCKED AT ALL THE STEALING.

SHOCKED."

FOR A SECOND, I THOUGHT HE WASTALKING ABOUT HIS SON NEIL.

I WASN'T REALLY SURE.

YEAH.

( applause )

SO... SO I LIVE HERE NOW.

IT TAKES A... I LIKE IT HERE.

I DO, I REALLY DO IN A SICK,KIND OF DEMENTED...

I LOVE HOW EVERYBODY'S SAYING

"EVERYTHING'SBACK TO NORMAL NOW."

YOU DRIVE AROUND HOLLYWOOD:

TRANSVESTITES, HOOKERS,JUNKIES-- IT'S NEVER NORMAL.

NOTHING IS EVER BACK TO NORMAL,ALL RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW, I'M ALWAYS...IT'S LIKE I'M ALWAYS AFRAID...

THE NEIGHBORHOODS HERE

ARE REALLY NICE AND REALLY BADWITHIN A HOUSE OF EACH OTHER.

I'M ALWAYS AFRAIDMY CAR WILL BREAK DOWN

AND DANNY GLOVER WON'T BE THERE.

I'M ALWAYS THINKING...

LIKE, UH...

LIKE, I CALLED TRIPLE-A

AND IT'S LIKE...IT'S LIKE 100 BUCKS A YEAR.

I SAID FORGET THAT.

I JUST JOINED A.A.

THAT WAY IF MY CAR BREAKS DOWN,I JUST CALL UP A FRIEND.

"OH, MAN, MY CAR BROKE DOWN.

I THINKI'M GOING TO HAVE A DRINK."

"NO, DON'T, I'LL COME GET YOU."

"OH, COOL.

"ALL RIGHT, MAN, YEAH.

YOU'RE THE GREATEST SPONSORIN THE WORLD."

I'M REALLY HAPPY.

MY WIFE IS MY BEST FRIEND.

I HANG OUT WITH HERALL THE TIME, WHICH IS GOOD

BUT IT'S ALSO KIND OF BAD

TO HAVE A WOMANAS YOUR BEST FRIEND.

IT'S GIVEN MEAN IDENTITY CRISIS

AND WORSE THAN THAT, I'M PRETTYSURE I GOT A YEAST INFECTION.

YOU KNOW THAT'S KIND OF...

( laughter and applause )

THEY, UH...

THEY SAYEVERY MAN HAS A FEMALE SIDE.

I READ THAT IN COSMO.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS

BUT WHEN I FIND MINE,I'M GOING TO RUB IT REALLY HARD.

I AM JUST GOING TO GO NUTS

BECAUSE I WANT MY PARTY TO LASTA HALF AN HOUR TOO, YOU KNOW.

( laughter )

MY WIFE IS TWO MONTHS PREGNANT.

I JUST FOUND OUT LAST WEEK.

VERY EXCITED.

THANKS.

SO WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABYAND, UH...

LIKE A YEAR AGO, SHE HAD THIS...

SHE WANTED TO HAVE A BABY REALLYBAD AND I BOUGHT HER A DOG.

AND IT JUST WASN'T ENOUGH,I GUESS.

I MEAN, I LOVE MY DOGBUT HE'S REALLY MAD NOW.

HE'S REALLY MAD.

IT'S A SHAR-PEI.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

YEAH,A LITTLE CHINESE WRINKLE DOG.

YEAH.

HE'S DEFINITELY...

THEY SAY THEY'RE REALLY RARE

BUT YOU KNOW, ANY DOGTHAT MADE IT OUT OF CHINA

THAT'S PRETTY RARE,I'LL TELL YOU.

NO, IT'S TRUE.

IT'S JUST A CULTURAL DIFFERENCE

BUT THE CHINESE LIKETHEIR DOGS RARE.

IT'S NOT GOOD OR BAD...

HE'S DEFINITELY A CHINESE DOG.

YOU CAN TELL WHEN HE BARKS,HE GOES: ( muffled bark )

( no voice )

SO THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW.

I'M THINKING WHAT RELIGIONTO RAISE OUR CHILD IN.

I WAS RAISED CATHOLIC.

WENT TO CHURCHTILL I GOT TO BE ABOUT 18

AND THEN THE PRIEST ASKED ME ANDMY BROTHERS NOT TO COME BACK.

CHURCH IS AT A BAD TIMEBECAUSE WE'RE IRISH CATHOLIC

AND IT'S SUNDAY MORNINGWHICH FOLLOWED SATURDAY NIGHT

SO THERE'S NO WAY.

MY MOM WOULD CLEAN US UP

BUT WE'RE STILL GROGGYFROM THE NIGHT BEFORE.

THE PRIEST HAS HIS GLASS OF WINE

AND MY ONE BROTHERPITCHES QUARTERS AT IT.

IF HE POPS ONE IN,FATHER HUBERT'S GOT TO CHUG.

THAT'S THE LAW.

READ THE BIBLE,I LIKE THE BIBLE.

I THOUGHTTHE ENDING KIND OF SUCKED

BUT OTHERWISE, IT'S A GOOD BOOK.

WELL,BECAUSE THE PLANET EXPLODES.

THEY DIDN'T LEAVE THE DOOR FORA SEQUEL: YOU KNOW, "BIBLE II."

( laughter )

THEY'RE THINKING ABOUT LETTINGPRIESTS GET MARRIED NOW.

IS THAT A GOOD IDEA?

( applause )

WELL, NOT TO EACH OTHER BUT...

ACTUALLY, THE POPE SAIDIT'S A BAD IDEA.

HE SAIDIT WOULD WEAKEN THEIR FAITH

BECAUSE AFTER ABOUT FOUR YEARSOF MARRIAGE

MOST PEOPLE START TO THINK,"THERE'S NO GOD.

YEAH, I'M PRETTY SURE."

READ THE BIBLE

I LIKED THE STORIESABOUT JESUS AS A MAN

BUT THERE ARE NO STORIESABOUT JESUS AS A TEENAGER.

I USED TO THINK ABOUT THAT.

DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT?

THEY NEVER MENTION THEM--THE TEEN YEARS, YOU KNOW.

TEENAGE JESUS.

( laughter )

I MEAN, WE WERE ALL TEENAGERS.

YOU THINK JOSEPH EVER GOTREALLY MAD AT HIM?

"JESUS, YOU'RE MAKING MEREALLY MAD.

GO TO YOUR ROOM."

"I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU.

YOU'RE NOT EVEN MY REAL DAD."

HEY, YOU GUYS WERE A LOT OF FUN.

MY NAME'S MARK BRAZIL.

THANKS VERY MUCH.

( applause and cheering )

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