Calculon 2.0

  • Season 7, Ep 720
  • 07/24/2013

Bender goes grave robbing to bring his favorite actor back to life.

Ow! Ow!

O, tears!O, lamentations!

Would that mineeternal torment might cease!

(groans)Will you shut up?!

You've been talkingfor a solid year.

You know, Hell used to be a niceplace before you got here.

(Fry and Bender shouting)

(both grunt)

(groans)These guys.

That's right, Robot Devil, andwe've come to reclaim a soul.

A what?You know, the disembodiedsoftware blah blah whatever.

Ah.

Then the answer is no.

Once a robot comes here,he's mine for all eternity.

Now hit the bricks.

(sighs)You heard him, Bender.

Calculon's gone forever.

Wait, wait, wait,wait, wait!

Did you say Calculon?(chuckles)

Perhaps we can makea deal of some sort.

(cackles evilly)

CALCULON:Hark! Is it possible the hourof mine deliverance is nigh?

Will you stop hammingit up for one second?

They can't seeor hear you.

Their loss.

I propose a competition.

If I win, we get Calculon.

If I lose, you kill us.

Fine, whatever.

For Calculon's immortal soul,

guess the numberI'm thinking of.

Um...

It's between one and three.

Four!

Between one and three.

Not includingone or three.

"M"!Is he right?

Yes. The number I wasthinking of was the letter "M."

(sucking sound)(shouting)

Here, take him! What are youwaiting for, a kiss good-bye?!

Go already!

Humble is good.

Your self-esteemtook a beating,

but that'swhat brought outyour true talent.

Yes. You land hard when youfall from the top, right?

I used to be king here.

Now I'm nothingbut a mere peasant.

Or at best,a... a viscount.

I think "peasant"is about right.

Duke. On this set,I'm at least a duke.

My extensive actingrésumé dwarfs that ofthe average bit player.

Yes, that's true.But remember,

it's that kind of actingthat ruined you.

Or maybe archduke.

Whichever one getsto fire the director.

Oh, Lord, here we go.

Look, please justshow some humility--

like the other daywhen everything seemed hopeless.

Better yet, I'll whiptheir emotions into a frenzy

(melodramatically):by taking a dramatic...

Actors to the set!

(indistinct chatter)

Okay, here's the scene.

Calculon learns hiswife is unfaithful,

whines about howpathetic he is,

kills himself--laugh, laugh, laugh--go to commercial.

Got it?

And action!

...pause!

Still rolling.

Oh, Calculon,I wish you had never escaped

from those brutalcrab fishermen.

I want you to knowI didn't wait for you,

not even for one day.

(heavy sigh)

Then I supposethe honorable thing

would be to kill myself...

if I weren'tthe legendary Calculon,

the greatest acting unitof all time!

This show is about me!

And it always has been!

Now, find theco-executive hackwho wrote this drivel

and tell him I want37 more climactic speeches

by lunch!

Cut!

That was terrible!

Just stick to the script.And if you don't get it

on the second take,you're fired.

Let's take five, people.

(bell rings)

"Second take"?

I-I've never heard that phrase--what does that mean?

They want youto do it again.

What?!

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