Inside Amy Schumer
Season 1

A Porn Star Is Born

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 05/14/2013

A group of friends can't accept compliments, and Amy quits her job as a porn star.

His name isErnst Brentwhistle.

Tech billionaireand covert arms dealer.

And we have one shotto bring him in,

and you two arethe best of the best.

Your codenames for this opare Cross Bolt

and Butter Face.

Cross Bolt,you're my point man.

I need you to take out theguards and acquire the target.

Now, we want him aliveif possible,

but you are a go touse lethal force if necessary.

Butter Face, you're runninga classic distract and capture.

You'll have a chance meetingwith Brentwhistle

when you run into himat the party he's having

in his hotel.On it.

Arouse his interest, take himback to his penthouse,

and that's when you'll getstarted making dinner for him.

Make him a casserole,a meatloaf, your call.

Something with a proteinand a vegetable.

Don't go crazy,cook something you know.

That's when I poison him,right, sir?

Slow down, Butter Face.

Cross Bolt, while Butter Facehas him distracted

in the kitchen, you'llrappel down the building

into the living room andthat's where you'll find

the hard drive.

Sweet.It will be sweet.

Rappelling is awesome.

Butter Face, when you are surethat Cross Bolt has the drive,

I want you to lure himinto the bedroom

and you are a go togive him a blowjob.

Uh, sir?

I'm capable of hackinginto the mainframe

of a nuclear submarine.

We don't needanything that drastic,

the blowjobwill do just fine.

Now we'll--I'm sorry, I'm just--

I'm not sure I'm comfortablewith this, sir.

Don't worry.

There'll be plentyof hidden cameras.

We will be right therewith you the whole time.

Literally, the entire agencywill be watching.

My dad works here.

Come on,you can do this.

Shut up, Dennis.

All right,under the table,

you'll find a duffeland in it,

your specialized equipment.

Laser nunchakus.

There's just a scrunchiein here.

That's to hold your hair back,and remember, no teeth.

All right, team, let's go.

Operation Enduring Mouthbegins now.

( Amy ) Amy One, clear.

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Ow.

Cross Bolt, on behalf ofa grateful nation,

I present you with the highesttop secret award in existence.

The titanium star.

Butter Face...

feel free to keepthat scrunchie.

Hey, maybe next timeyou could do a cool mission

like I just did.

Get your--Fucking...

Bitch.

Oh my God, Brie,you dyed your hair.

It looks amazing.

Oh no,you're just being nice.

No, seriously,it looks great.

No, I tried to look like KateHudson, but ended up looking

like a golden retriever'sdingleberry.

But you, look atyour cute little dress!

Little?I'm like a size 100 now.

Anyway, I paid like$2 for it.

It's probably made out ofold Burger King crowns.

I look like a whorelocked out of her apartment.

( Amy )Hi!Amy!

Hi!Hey!

I love your hat.

Are you drunk?

I look likean Armenian man.

People are trying tobuy carpets from me.

Excuse me, when did you startworking for NASA?

You're weightless.

Fuck you,I'm a fucking cow.

Indian people are tryingto worship me.

I sleep standingup in a field.

Fancy meetingyou girls here.

Hey!

Of course,I see everyone

when I look likeSusan Boyle's toothbrush.

You look so pretty.

Uh, Miss Jessica, congrats onyour big promotion, beyotch.

I'm gonna get fired in,like, two seconds.

No.I'm legally retarded.

On my SATs, I just drewa picture of a house

on the first pageand ate the rest.

Lindsay!Congratulations!

Please, come on, guys.

The father's anybody's guessand I'm 1,000 years old.

I mean, I bet this thingis gonna fall out

and be an old cobweb.

You are gonna bethe best mom ever.

I just want to, like,crawl in your pussy

and have yougive birth to me.

Good luck trying to nurseon this shriveled-up

spaghetti squash, ugh.

Your tits make Katy Perry'slook like the Holocaust.

That's so true.They do.

Perky.They do.

Is that Amanda?Amanda!

Hi!Hey!

( all )Hey!

I love your jacket!

Thank you.

♪♪

( screaming )

( man )Oh my God!

Oh no!

Watch out!( glass shattering )

( woman screaming )

( phone alert )

Yay, one newTwitter follower!

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( snorting )

Cocaine isthe cat's pajamas!

Ding-dong!

♪♪

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