CC Presents: The Amazing Johnathan

  • Season 5, Ep 1
  • 06/24/2001

CLASSIC A MAGIC TRICK,

IT'S CALLED THE MYSTERY

OF THE CHINESE LINKING RINGS.

AS YOU CAN SEE, THEY ARE ALREADY

LINKED.

THAT SAVES US HEAPS OF TIME.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT CAN BE SOME BLIND CRAP,

LET ME TELL YA.

WE ARE GOING TO BRING OUT A

SPECIAL GUEST RIGHT NOW.

THIS GIRL I AM ABOUT TO

INTRODUCE YOU TO, I'M NOT GONNA

LIE TO YOU, I FIRST SAW HER

PERFORM AT A STRIP CLUB HERE IN

NEW YORK AND I WAS SO IMPRESSED

WITH THE MAGIC TRICKS I SAW HER

DO, STUFF THAT I COULD NEVER

BEGIN TO DREAM OF TRYING,

THAT SHE IS GOING TO COME OUT,

AND DO A TRICK FOR YOU ALL--

NOT THE SAME ONE THAT I SAW...

(LAUGHTER)

(MEN GROAN IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

NO, NO, NO--

IT'S NOT THAT YOU'RE NOT THE

RIGHT CROWD-- YOU ARE.

IT'S JUST THAT WE LOST THE

PING PONG BALL EARLIER,

AND UH...

(LAUGHTER)

IF YOU FIND IT, DON'T PICK IT

UP-- TRUST ME.

LEAVE IT WHERE IT IS.

BUT SHE WORKED REAL HARD ON A

BRAND NEW TRICK.

SHE CLAIMS THAT SHE'S A PSYCHIC

NOW.

I'M GONNA LET HER TRY THIS OUT.

IT'S IMPORTANT TO HER.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN LET'S MAKE

HER FEEL WELCOME.

PSYCHIC TANYA.

TANYA.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT!

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE IN YOUR OWN LITTLE WORLD,

AREN'T YA?

(SNAPS) OVER HERE.

NOW WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO--

WE'RE GOING TO BLINDFOLD

PSYCHIC TANYA...

TANYA>> NO, NO-

IT'S MADAME ISABELLA-

QUEEN OF THE NIGHT!

JOHNATHAN>> YOU'VE CHANGED IT

AGAIN, HAVE WE?

TANYA>> UH-HUH.

JOHNATHAN>> ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

WE'RE GONNA BLINDFOLD IT.

(LAUGHTER)

AND WE'RE GONNA HOLD UP RANDOM

OBJECTS AND HER JOB IS TO TRY

AND GUESS WHAT THE RANDOM OBJECT

IS, EVEN THOUGH SHE IS

COMPLETELY BLINDFOLDED.

(WHISPERING)

ALL RIGHT.

A LA-LA.

LA-LA.

A LA-LA.

LA-LA

SHH.

CHANGE OF PLANS.

SOMEBODY'S LEFT THE BLINDFOLD

IN THE CAR.

TANYA>> I DID.

JOHNATHAN>> YEAH, I KNOW WHO

THE HELL IT WAS.

(TANYA GIGGLES)

JOHNATHAN>> SO, WE'RE GOING

TO HAVE TO TRY AND FIND A

BLINDFOLD, OR SOMETHING WE CAN

USE AS A BLINDFOLD TEMPORARILY.

UM, HERE, TONIGHT, WE USE--

THIS'LL WORK.

TWO ORDINARY PLAYING CARDS.

AND...A STAPLE GUN.

WE'LL ATTACH A PART OVER EACH

EYE... LIKE THAT.

AND SO THOSE STAY ON THERE,

HERE'S AN IDEA.

TAPE.

AROUND AND AROUND AND AROUND

AND AROUND...LIKE THAT.

YOUR HAIR LOOKS FINE.

NOW...

VOILA-- WE HAVE A BLINDFOLD.

NOW...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT.

YOU LOOK GOOD.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING

TO YOURSELVES RIGHT NOW--

ESPECIALLY THE WOMEN IN THE

AUDIENCE.

YOU'RE SAYING: HEY, SHE CAN SEE

THROUGH THAT.

TANYA>> I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING

IN FRONT OF ME.

ALL RIGHT.

THEN LET'S THROW A BLACK SHEET

OVER HER HEAD AS WELL.

AND WE'LL HOLD THAT BLACK SHEET

IN PLACE WITH SOME MORE TAPE.

LIKE THIS.

AROUND AND AROUND AND AROUND.

AND THEN MAYBE NEXT TIME

MADAME ISABELLA WON'T FORGET

THE (BLEEP)-DAMNED BLINDFOLD...

IN THE (BLEEP)-DAMNED CAR!

WHERE IT DOESN'T BELONG!

I'M SORRY YOU ALL HAD TO SEE

THAT.

RANDOM OBJECT NUMBER ONE.

MADAME ISABELLA...

TANYA>> QUEEN OF THE NIGHT...

JOHNATHAN>> WHATEVER.

CONCENTRATE AND TELL ME WHAT IT

IS THAT YOU SEE, PLEASE.

TANYA>> OKIE DOKIE.

(MAKES "UM" NOISES)

I SEE A FIVE OF SHOVELS AND A

SEVEN OF CLOVERS.

JOHNATHAN>> THOSE WOULD BE THE

CARDS I JUST STAPLED OVER YOUR

(BLEEP)-DAMNED EYES!

TANYA>> OH, YEAH.

JOHNATHAN>> LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.

AND THEY'RE NOT SHOVELS AND

CLOVERS!

IT'S SPADES AND CLUBS.

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL

YOU THAT?

TANYA>> OH.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

RIGHT.

JOHNATHAN>> I HAVE SOMETHING

IN HAND.

TANYA>> OW!

JOHNATHAN>> CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT

IT IS?

TANYA>> A MICROPHONE?

HUH?

I GOT IT RIGHT.

LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.

JOHNATHAN>> NO.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

THE OTHER HAND.

TANYA>> OH, WHY DIDN'T YOU BE

MORE SPECIFIC?

(GIGGLES)

I SEE SOMETHING SMALL THAT YOU

DON'T USE VERY MUCH.

HUH?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

JOHNATHAN>> NO.

THE OTHER HAND.

TANYA>> I SEE...

CAN I GET A HINT?

JOHNATHAN>> SCISSORS.

TANYA>> NOPE.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I SEE.

CAN I GET ANOTHER HINT?

JOHNATHAN>> IT'S SCISSORS.

TANYA>> UM, CAN I FEEL THE

OBJECT?

JOHNATHAN>> CERTAINLY.

TANYA>> OW!

JOHNATHAN>> WELL, WHO THE HELL

DIDN'T WANT TO DO THAT?

(APPLAUSE)

ANY CLUES?

TANYA>> UM, UM, UM, UM.

OW!

UM.

SCISSORS?

JOHNATHAN>> SCISSORS!

YEAH!

YOU DID IT!

UNBELIEVABLE!

THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE!

TAKE A BOW!

THANK YOU.

LET'S HAVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE

TO DO NOW, IS WE ARE GOING

TO GO INTO THE AUDIENCE,

AND TRY TO FIND A VOLUNTEER

TO HELP ME WITH THIS NEXT BIT.

THIS COULD BE ANYBODY AT ALL--

IF YOU'D LIKE TO HELP.

RAISE YOUR HAND SO I KNOW WHERE

YOU ARE.

I DIDN'T EVEN SEE YOU--

YOU'LL BE PERFECT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

A VOLUNTEER!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FROM THE AUDIENCE.

HOW ARE YA?

NICE TO MEET YOU.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

JOHNATHAN.

AUDIENCE MEMBER>> PAUL.

JOHNATHAN>> NO, JOHNATHAN.

PAUL>> OH, SORRY.

JOHNATHAN.

JOHNATHAN>> YES.

WE'VE NEVER MET, HAVE WE?

PAUL>> NO.

JOHNATHAN>> SO, THEN YOU DON'T

ACTUALLY KNOW IT'S ME, AND I'M

ASSUMING IT'S YOU.

PAUL>> OKAY.

JOHNATHAN>> WE'LL TRUST

EACH OTHER.

NOW, WE'RE GONNA START WITH

UH...

PAUL AND I ARE GONNA START WITH

A NEAT LITTLE CARD TRICK.

AH, TANYA?

TANYA>> YEAH?

JOHNATHAN>> DECK OF CARDS,

PLEASE.

YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS, PAUL.

TANYA>> OKIE DOKIE.

JOHNATHAN>> WHAT HAPPENED TO

BRINGING THEM OUT ON A TRAY,

LIKE I TAUGHT YOU?

TANYA>> OH, YEAH.

JOHNATHAN>> THAT'S GREAT.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO, AH...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

LOOK OUT!

(LAUGHS)

THAT'LL SCARE YA.

ALL RIGHT.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

PAUL>> JOHNATHAN.

JOHNATHAN>> PAUL.

ALL RIGHT.

NOW.

WE'RE GOING TO DO A NEAT TRICK

WITH A REAL DECK OF CARDS.

I WANT YOU TO HOLD THIS RUBBER

BAND FOR ME, IF YOU WOULD,

PLEASE?

AND WHEN I ASK FOR IT BACK,

MAKE IT SNAPPY.

(LAUGHS)

ORDINARY DECK OF CARDS?

YES OR NO?

PAUL>> YES.

JOHNATHAN>> YES.

THEN EXPLAIN THIS.

CAN'T DO THIS WITH AN ORDINARY

DECK.

THEY GO ALL OVER THE ROOM--

IT'S A REAL MESS.

CHECK THIS OUT.

WATCH.

(HUMS)

(LAUGHS)

YEAH.

DON'T BE TOO IMPRESSED--

THERE'S SOMEBODY BACK THERE

PULLING ON 'EM, PAUL.

TANYA>> YEAH!

IT WAS ME!

I DID IT!

JOHNATHAN>> YEAH.

I KNOW WHO THE HELL IT WAS!

LOOK.

PAUL AND I ARE GOING TO TAKE A

SHOT OF TEQUILA TOGETHER.

SOUND GOOD?

PAUL>> GOOD.

TANYA>> YEAH!

JOHNATHAN>> BRING OUT THE

TEQUILA.

DO NOT THROW IT OUT--

BRING IT OUT.

TWO SHOT FOR PAUL AND I, PLEASE?

YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS.

IT'S FOR PAUL AND I PLEASE.

I JUST SPIT RIGHT AT YOU,

DIDN'T I?

(LAUGHS)

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT?

YOU DID IT!

TANYA>> I DID IT!

YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)

JOHNATHAN>> ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.

I DIDN'T THINK ANYONE COULD DO

THAT.

TANYA>> ME NEITHER.

WOW.

YOU ARE CU-U-U-TE!

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, PAUL?

PAUL>> JOHNATHAN.

JOHNATHAN>> LEAVE HIM ALONE.

LEAVE HIM ALONE.

GO.

BYE.

GO.

SORRY ABOUT THAT, PAUL.

ALL RIGHT.

TANYA>> I'LL BE BACK HERE.

JOHNATHAN>> POULTRY IN MOTION.

PAUL>> ME, TOO.

JOHNATHAN>> DID YOU JUST SAY,

ME, TOO?

PAUL>> NO.

JOHNATHAN>> YES, YOU DID.

I SAID SORRY ABOUT THAT,

AND HE SAID ME, TOO.

ALL RIGHT.

PAUL, WE DRINK TO TRUST.

VERY IMPORTANT.

WHAT ARE YOU SMELLING IT FOR?

PAUL>> I'M JUST...

JOHNATHAN>> WE'RE DRINKING TO

TRUST.

YOU DON'T SMELL IT!

PAUL>> IT'S AN INTERESTING

COLOR.

JOHNATHAN>> YEAH.

IT'S AN INTERESTING COLOR.

IT'S AN INTERESTING TYPE OF

TEQUILA.

ALL RIGHT.

CHEERS, BIG EARS.

PAUL>> CHEERS.

WE DRINK.

PAUL>> TO YOU.

JOHNATHAN>> TO YOU.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

JOHNATHAN>> WHO'S THE DEAD MAN?

LET ME ASK YOU, PAUL.

HAVE YOU EVER DONE LSD?

PAUL>> AH, I THINK MAYBE

TONIGHT.

JOHNATHAN>> REALLY?

PACK YOUR BAGS, YOU'RE GOING ON

A TRIP.

I FACT, YOU SHOULD START TO FEEL

THAT ANY SECOND NOW.

YOU SHOULD START TO FEEL THAT

ANY SECOND NOW.

(VOICES START TO ECHO)

♪ (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS)

JOHNATHAN>> ARE YOU OKAY?

PAUL>> I'M GOOD.

I'M LIKING THIS.

JOHNATHAN>> ARE YOU OKAY?

I'M GOOD.

I'M LIKING THIS.

JOHNATHAN>> GOOD.

'CAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE

FREAKING OUT.

YOU'RE NOT DOING DRUGS, ARE YOU?

PAUL>> NO.

JOHNATHAN>> WE DON'T NEED THAT

MONKEY ON YOUR BACK, PAUL!

(JOHN AS MONKEY) LOOK AT ME!

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

PAUL>> JOHNATHAN.

JOHNATHAN>> PAUL.

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

LOOK AT ME, (BLEEP)-DAMN YOU!

LOOK AT ME!

DON'T MAKE ME CRUSH YOUR NECK

LIKE A CHICKEN BONE!

(POP)

THAT'S THE SOUND OF PAUL'S NECK

CRUSHING LIKE CHICKEN BONE.

(POP)

(COUGHS)

PAUL, DUDE, YOU'RE FREAKING OUT.

PAUL>> THANKS.

JOHNATHAN>> YOU OKAY?

PAUL>> THINK SO.

JOHNATHAN>> REALLY?

'CAUSE YOU'RE SCREAMING ABOUT

SNAKES AND STUFF.

HERE...

HAVE SOME PEANUTS.

MAYBE IF YOU EAST, YOU'LL COME

DOWN OFF THAT TRIP.

PAUL>> OKAY.

JOHNATHAN>> OPEN IT QUICKLY.

QUICK.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THEY'RE PEANUTS.

PEANUTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU'RE PARANOID.

JOHNATHAN>> PAUL.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WE'RE GONNA

DO.

YOU AND I ARE GONNA PLAY A

LITTLE GAME TOGETHER.

THERE'S ONE, TWO, THREE

$20 BILLS.

I WANT YOU TO HOLD THOSE.

NO, NO, NO...

OKAY.

DON'T FOLD THEM UP LIKE YOU'VE

WON ALREADY.

ALL RIGHT.

HOLD LIKE THAT.

NOW.

WHAT I'M GONNA DO IS ASK YOU

THREE QUESTIONS.

IF YOU GET IT RIGHT, YOU GET TO

KEEP THE 20.

IF YOU GET IT WRONG, I'M GONNA

TAKE IT BACK, OKAY?

PAUL>> ALL RIGHT.

JOHNATHAN>> ALL RIGHT.

PAUL.

QUESTION NUMBER ONE.

HOW MANY ANIMALS OF EACH,

DID MOSES TAKE ON THE ARK?

QUICKLY!

PAUL>> TWO.

JOHNATHAN>> TWO!

NOPE.

THERE WAS NO ARK.

NOT MOSES, SORRY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHS)

OKAY.

QUESTION NUMBER TWO--

AND YOU HAVE TO ANSWER

QUICKLY...

SAY THE WORD "SILK" FIVE TIMES,

AS QUICK AS YOU CAN.

GO!

PAUL>> SILK, SILK.

SILK.

SILK.

SILK.

JOHNATHAN>> OKAY, THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW, ANSWER ME QUICKLY--

WHAT DO COWS DRINK?

PAUL>> WATER?

JOHNATHAN>> AH!

WATER!

WATER!

HE GOT IT!

AH, (BLEEP).

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SHUT UP!

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

PAUL>> ONE LEFT.

JOHNATHAN>> YEAH, I KNOW

HOW MANY IS LEFT.

IT'S THE AMAZING PAUL SHOW,

ALL RIGHT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NO, NO, NO, NO!

YOU STAY THERE-- WE'RE NOT DONE.

YOU NEED ME.

ALL RIGHT.

PAUL>> I DO.

(JOHNATHAN) I SEE IT.

SPELL "POP."

NO, NO, NO, NO.

THAT'S TOO EASY!

I HAVE 60 CUPS--

I TAKE ONE AWAY, HOW MANY ARE

LEFT?

PAUL>> 59.

JOHNATHAN>> NO.

FIVE.

SIX TEA CUPS.

(LAUGHS)

LOOK.

I'LL GIVE YOU ANOTHER CHANCE.

SAY... SPELL THE WORD "POP."

PAUL>> P-O-P.

JOHNATHAN>> MOP.

PAUL>> M-O-P.

JOHNATHAN>> TOP.

PAUL>> T-O-P.

JOHNATHAN>> WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN

YOU COME TO A GREEN LIGHT?

PAUL>> GO.

JOHNATHAN>> YOU GOT IT!

40 BUCKS, MAN.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET'S HAVE

A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR PAUL!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

TAKE A BOW, PAUL.

BLOW 'EM A KISS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'D LIKE TO TRY FOR YOU ALL.

IT'S, UH, IT'S NOT FUNNY,

BUT IT'S REAL MAGIC.

A LOT OF MAGICIANS ARE DOWN ON

ME, CAUSE I DON'T--

WELL, I DON'T THINK I KNOW

REAL MAGIC...

BUT IF YOU KNEW THE HOURS

I SPENT JUST THINKING ABOUT

PRACTICING...

(LAUGHTER)

SO IF I CAN HAVE SOME MUSIC,

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A CARD

PRODUCTION ROUTINE I THINK

YOU'RE GONNA LIKE.

CHECK THIS OUT.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS)

TURN THAT MUSIC UP A LITTLE BIT.

YEAH.

HUP.

HUP.

HUP.

HUP.

HUH?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HUP.

HUP.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HA!

HUP.

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

SHH!

HA!

HUP.

HEY.

YUP-PA!

(APPLAUSE)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I HOPE YOU APPRECIATED THE CARD

ROUTINE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS)

ONE, TWO, THREE FOUR...

IS CALLED THE MYSTERY OF THE

HIMALAYAN SNOWBALL OF INDIA.

(LAUGHTER)

THIS WAS GIVEN TO ME BY A

STRANGER IN BOMBAY--

THE CITY OF LIGHTS,

THEY CALL IT.

(LAUGHTER)

SHUT UP-- YOU'VE NEVER BEEN

THERE.

SHUT UP.

A WINTER WONDERLAND.

INDIA.

LAND OF THE LAKES, THEY CALL IT.

LITTLE CITY BY THE BAY.

(LAUGHTER)

SHUT UP.

NOW, I'LL NEVER FORGET--

A STRANGER GAVE THIS TO ME.

I'LL NEVER FORGET WHAT HE SAID

AS HE PUT THIS INTO MY HAND.

HE LOOKED ME IN THE EYE

AND SAID, "HERE."

(LAUGHTER)

OKAY, SO.

IF I COULD HAVE THE LIGHTS

DIMMED A LITTLE BIT,

AND I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT THIS CAN

DO.

DIM THE LIGHTS.

PERFECT.

THANK YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

A LITTLE MORE.

DIM THEM.

YEAH.

PERFECT.

GOOD.

MORE.

LITTLE MORE.

DOWN.

DOWN.

(LAUGHTER)

BASICALLY, THAT'S OFF NOW,

ISN'T IT?

TURN THEM UP JUST A LITTLE TINY

BIT.

ALL RIGHT.

YEAH.

GOOD.

ALL RIGHT.

CAN I JUST SAY, THE LIGHT MAN

IS A (BLEEP)-HEAD.

I KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.

HE'S SCREWING AROUND WITH ME

ON PURPOSE.

'CAUSE I YELLED AT HIM ONE

TIME--

I YELLED AT HIM IS REHEARSAL--

THIS IS WHAT HE TELLS ME,

LISTEN TO THIS.

HE SAYS, "HEY, YOU'RE NEW HERE,

IF YOU EVER YELL AT ME AGAIN,

I'M GONNA CALL MY DAD WHO'S IN

THE MAFIA.

ONE CALL AND YOU'RE DEAD."

I'M LIKE--

"WHOA.

I'M SCARED."

YOU GOTTA LAUGH WHEN PEOPLE TELL

YOU THAT (BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER)

I KNOW, IT'S FUNNY, ISN'T IT?

I JUST LIKE-- YEAH!

OKAY!

I KNOW.

IT'S FUNNY, ISN'T IT?

I JUST--

I KNOW.

I JUST LIKE... WHA!

WHATEVER.

ALL RIGHT.

I NEED SOME MUSIC--

SOMETHING SNAPPY AND LOUD--

FOR THE MYSTERY OF THE SWAHILI

SNOWBALL OF DEATH.

♪ (2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY

MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

TURN IT UP.

(MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES)

NOW, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE

ABORIGINAL SNOWBALL...

OF DEATH.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES TO PLAY)

JOHNATHAN>> I LOVE YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

I LOVE YOU.

AHHH!

(MUSIC STOPS)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU!

THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH!

THANK YOU!

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GOOD NIGHT!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

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