Reid, Eaton, Sweeney

  • Season 2, Ep 0202
  • 05/25/1993

-That aftershaveis working for me.

Thank you for comingtonight, and welcome

to two drink minimum.

And speaking of drunks,I took a cab here tonight

with a guy-- you know, I get inthe cab and I'm always worried.

I tell the driverwhere I want to go,

and I'm always worriedhe didn't understand me.

Because they floorit right away.

And you hit the--I said Columbus

Circle, not kill us both.

And if you can't hear them--if they can't hear you,

either way, it's becauseof that Popemobile

back shield windowthing they have.

I guess they'reworried that I'm going

to kill them or something.

But I can barelypay the guy through

that spring-loadedmouse trap door thing.

I got my money now.

And then some cabs-- some ofthem, they're totally paranoid.

And then some cabsyou get in, and they

have no kind of protection,security at all.

I guess they give those tothe guys who show up late.

Maybe a couple ofhead wounds will

teach him some punctuality.

And then a lot oftimes you get the cab,

and you get a foreign guy.

Which, OK, a reallylot of times.

And then there's two-- there'sthe guys who speak no English,

and then there's the other guyswho if they do speak English,

then they want to--they won't shut up

about the politicsof their homeland.

What is being done tomy people is an atrocity

supported by yourdog of a president.

He holds the whip that flays theflesh of our innocent masses.

And I'm in thebackseat, that flayed

flesh thing, that is a hassle.

On the right is good for me.

No, I am not finished.

We will drivearound until I fully

explain the injustice thathas befallen our people.

Oh man.

And I want to ask theseguys-- you know, you're

in the back of the cab and yousee-- I always want to ask him,

could you turn down that airfreshener thing that you have?

What is in that jar on the dash?

It's like the most powerfulfragrance known to man.

And then sometimesyou get in the cab

and you get-- it'skind of rare now,

but you get the nativeNew York cabdriver

who has been drivingthe cab like 40 years.

And then he wants to tellyou too much, like about how

we can't get anerection anymore.

Or else you get the otherguy, that moody loner Travis

Bickle type whodoesn't say a word.

And god, you don'twant to say anything,

because you'reafraid you'll unleash

a torrent about Jodie Foster.

Once in a greatwhile, you get the guy

that knows exactly wherehe's going, takes all

the right streets andmakes all the lights.

And you find out thenews later that he's

the guy who killedthe real driver.

Great to be in New York.

Great city, huh?


-Boy, I can pander withthe best of them, can't I?

How about that constitution?

Is that a form ofgovernment or what?

I like this town.

Although after about fiveminutes of walking the streets

of Midtown Manhattan,I just start wishing I

had one of those filtersinstalled in my chest

like they have in your dryerthat you can just slide out

and scrape all the crap off.

I took a walk today.

I guess I'm having kind ofa low self esteem day today.

Because as I wastaking my little walk,

somebody yells out,hey, you stupid jerk.

And I turned around, and theguy wasn't even talking to me.

Took the traindown here tonight.

That's always interesting.

The guy sitting next to me onthe train is sniffing glue.

I've never seenanybody do that before.

I knew what he was doing,but I'd never seen it before.

I kind of snapped.

I said, you know,pal, that is so 1974.

There's a newthing called crack.

Maybe you've heard of it?You want to try to keep up?

You're embarrassing yourself.

Come on.

Nobody was looking at this guy.

Nobody looks atanybody else when

they're riding onthe train, right?

Everybody just stares intotheir own lap in total fear.

Oh god, please don't kill me.

Nobody kill me.

My stop is next.

Don't touch me.

And I'm like this, too.

I honestly believefor some reason

that nobody is goingto kill me unless I

make eye contactwith them first.

Like there's going tobe a psycho on the train

with a knife tryingto get my attention.

I'm just lookinginto my lap, all

I can hear is, heypal, over here.

Nice try, loser.

No, I got something in my eye.

You want to check it out for me?

How many times haveI heard that one?

Hey, you stupid jerk.


Anyway, this is a good town.

Last week, I wasworking in Saint Louis.

It's an OK town.

The best thing aboutthat place, though, it's

the home of the nationalBowling Hall of Fame.

That rocks.

Are you kidding me?

It's awesome.

If you haven't been, folks, Isuggest that maybe tomorrow you

book a flight to Saint Louis,go there, smoke a huge amount

of pot, and visit thenational Bowling Hall of Fame.

I'm not advocating thisas some sort of lifestyle,

advocating it.

Please, all I'm saying is,before you go, do that.

You will hurt yourselflaughing at that place.

You walk in, hanging on thewall is a giant quilt made out

of Dick Weber'sold bowling shirts

that his mom sewedtogether by hand.

You can't put a pricetag on something

like that, ladies and gentlemen.

They've got a videodisplay you can ask

different Hall-of-Famersquestions.

They'll play a tape of themanswering that question.

And you can ask DickWeber what his advice

is to the youngbowlers out there.

And Dick says, learn the basicsbefore you start showing off.

How do you show off bowling?

Maybe you heave theball over your shoulder,

moonwalk back to your seat,chug a pitcher of beer.

They've got a restaurant, too,at the Bowling Hall of Fame,

which is good, becauseyou're going to get really

hungry after yousmoke all that pot.

The restaurant iscalled Cafe 300.

And they do have anaccent mark over the E,

because they know that bowlers,if given the opportunity,

would pronouncethat word "cafe."

We did these jokes in SaintLouis, and they like that one.

One woman actually yelledout, hey, hey, Dick Weber

makes more money thanyou'll ever make.

Well, yeah, but sodoes a butt doctor,

and I don't wantto do that either.

You get so upset.

This woman is probablythe type of person

that actually bowlswhile she is sober.

And I'm sure sheowns her own ball.

That's quite a windowinto someone's soul,

isn't it, if they owntheir own bowling ball?

That just tells you waymore about that person

than you ever wanted to know.

At that point, the only questionis what color is the Trans Am?

You guys have been very nice.

Is this a date night?

Who's dating?

Clap if you are.


A lot of fellas looking aroundgoing, I don't know, honey,

is this a date?

Women are like,yeah, it's a date.

You're buying.


So, what's going on?

Lot of guys and galsout just friends?

Just friends?

That's cool.

I think it's cool whenguys and gals go out

together justfriends, don't you?

Generally, you hearwomen going, yeah.

Guys are like, no.

That's a dumb idea.

What the hell is the point?

But I think it's cool.

Are you ever justfriends with somebody

and then you find outthey feel more for you

than just friendshipbecause they tell you?

Now it gets real weird becauseyou've got to deal with it.

You're like, that's nice.

That's flattering.

But I just don'tthink of you that way.

What way?


Kind of a smokey roomthing we got going here.

We got a lot of gals smoking?

Where are the gals smoking?

We're afraid.

What brand do you smoke?



Do you find a lot of women smokesome kind of light cigarette?

Light cigarette, what is that?

A diet cigarette?

You know whatcigarettes crack me up?

The ones theymarket specifically

toward women, likeVirginia Slims.

Seen those?

Long, slim, pretty cigaretteswith flowers around the end.

Strong enough to kill a man,but made to kill a woman.

Smokers hate that joke.

They're like, I cankill you from here.

stop having a MissAmerica Pageant?

Can we just knock that off?


Gals are like, yeah.

Guys are like,what's the problem.

It's so lame.

It ends the exact same way.

Every year, they announce thewinner, she bursts into tears.

One time, wouldn't you liketo see the winner go-- yes!


It's me!

Not you, you're ugly.

You're a pig.

Sit down.


Number one.

I'm going to Disney World.

So, wearing the dress tonight,night of the big occasion here,

the big show.

I've got to tell you,every time I wear a dress,

I feel like a really big liar.

Because people see you ina dress, and they assume

you're this little girly girl.

And I did not growup a girly girl.

I grew up a tomboy girl.

Any former tomboy girls here?


You remember tomboygirls, right?

We used to play footballin the mud with a guy.

Girly girls would never do that.

They'd never playsports, never get dirty,

could not wait to getthat first training bra.

Not me.

Kind of looking to that now.

Thanks for laughing at that.

Little boob joke for you.

Y'all are like, damnlittle boob joke.

Shut up.

I like that expression, though.

Training bra.

Training bra?

What is that?

A bra with littlewheels on the side?

Hey, someday when they getbigger, won't need these.

Get out of the way, pal.

Move it.

Let's go.

Kind of cool, though, if atraining bra came with wheels?

Don't you think?


Then tomboy girls wouldhave something to do.

We'd be out backracing the damn things.

Slipping baseballcards in there.

Remember when guysused to snap the bra?

Remember that moment?

Remember how much that hurt?

Imagine how much thathurt for those of us

not yet wearing a bra.

That's my skin.

So, I was readingthe paper today,

checking out some newson Michael Jackson.

Wow, he's everywhere, isn't he?

He is.

Well, he's about asfamous as you can get.

You can't get anymore famous when

you get your very owncandy bar named after you.

You know what MichaelJackson's candy bar is?

White chocolate, no nuts.

It's so exciting to behere doing runway comedy.

This is so much fun.

Yes, I do live herein New York City.

And I went down to theWorld Trade Center.

It's all fixed.

I swear, I didn't fix it myself.

Those terrorists, though,blew that building up.

You know what myfavorite terrorist was?

The guy who rentedthe van, and then he

tried to get his money back.

He followed the number one mostimportant rule of terrorism--

always keep your receipts.

Apparently, terrorism isa tax deduction in Iran.

It's good to know.

We don't have homegrownterrorists in America.

Unless you countthe postal service.

The postal service-- I was inthe post office the other day.

You know the wantedposter in the lobby?

It turned out it wasemployee of the month.

You know what I realized?

How come UPS and FederalExpress guys never go nuts?

They should use thatin their advertising.

UPS, we're unarmed.

Don't waste your time.

It's just another one of thosetypical plane crash, shoot

everyone else onboard genre movies.

You know what I was wondering?

If you eat someoneelse in your airplane,

do you get all theirfrequent flyer miles?

After all that effort.

I wonder if there were snobson that plane, people going,

[groans], you atesomebody in coach?

I was walking around today.

Are you sick ofseeing all these jerks

with the cellularphones on the street?

They can't use a pay phonelike everyone else, right?

They have to show offtheir little phone.

When they said cellularphones cause brain tumors,

that's when I knewthere was a god.

I wish everything youdid that was pretentious

was hazardous to your health.

That would be great.

Doctor, I have a brain tumor.

It's my cellularphone, isn't it?

Well, son, actually wethink it's your ponytail.

Although we can't ruleout the fact that you've

been wearingsunglasses at night.

Speaking of doctors, youknow what I found out?

You know there's apsychiatric emergency

room in New York Cityat Bellevue Hospital?

A psychiatric emergency room.

How do the nursesdecide what order

to treat you in atthis emergency room?

What is that?

Oh, OK, Napoleon's spies arechasing you because they found

out you stole the Rosetta Stone.

OK, if you can have a seat overhere next to the guy who thinks

he's Thomas Jefferson.

We're going chronologically.

I'm afraid we're onlyup to the Renaissance.

So you're lookingat a 300 year wait.

Michelangelo, you're next.