Reid, Eaton, Sweeney

  • Season 2, Ep 2
  • 05/25/1993

Reid, Eaton, Sweeney

-That aftershaveis working for me.

Thank you for comingtonight, and welcome

to two drink minimum.

And speaking of drunks,I took a cab here tonight

with a guy-- you know, I get inthe cab and I'm always worried.

I tell the driverwhere I want to go,

and I'm always worriedhe didn't understand me.

Because they floorit right away.

And you hit the--I said Columbus

Circle, not kill us both.

And if you can't hear them--if they can't hear you,

either way, it's becauseof that Popemobile

back shield windowthing they have.

I guess they'reworried that I'm going

to kill them or something.

But I can barelypay the guy through

that spring-loadedmouse trap door thing.

I got my money now.

And then some cabs-- some ofthem, they're totally paranoid.

And then some cabsyou get in, and they

have no kind of protection,security at all.

I guess they give those tothe guys who show up late.

Maybe a couple ofhead wounds will

teach him some punctuality.

And then a lot oftimes you get the cab,

and you get a foreign guy.

Which, OK, a reallylot of times.

And then there's two-- there'sthe guys who speak no English,

and then there's the other guyswho if they do speak English,

then they want to--they won't shut up

about the politicsof their homeland.

What is being done tomy people is an atrocity

supported by yourdog of a president.

He holds the whip that flays theflesh of our innocent masses.

And I'm in thebackseat, that flayed

flesh thing, that is a hassle.

On the right is good for me.

No, I am not finished.

We will drivearound until I fully

explain the injustice thathas befallen our people.

Oh man.

And I want to ask theseguys-- you know, you're

in the back of the cab and yousee-- I always want to ask him,

could you turn down that airfreshener thing that you have?

What is in that jar on the dash?

It's like the most powerfulfragrance known to man.

And then sometimesyou get in the cab

and you get-- it'skind of rare now,

but you get the nativeNew York cabdriver

who has been drivingthe cab like 40 years.

And then he wants to tellyou too much, like about how

we can't get anerection anymore.

Or else you get the otherguy, that moody loner Travis

Bickle type whodoesn't say a word.

And god, you don'twant to say anything,

because you'reafraid you'll unleash

a torrent about Jodie Foster.

Once in a greatwhile, you get the guy

that knows exactly wherehe's going, takes all

the right streets andmakes all the lights.

And you find out thenews later that he's

the guy who killedthe real driver.

It's so exciting to behere doing runway comedy.

This is so much fun.

Yes, I do live herein New York City.

And I went down to theWorld Trade Center.

It's all fixed.

I swear, I didn't fix it myself.

Those terrorists, though,blew that building up.

You know what myfavorite terrorist was?

The guy who rentedthe van, and then he

tried to get his money back.

He followed the number one mostimportant rule of terrorism--

always keep your receipts.

Apparently, terrorism isa tax deduction in Iran.

It's good to know.

We don't have homegrownterrorists in America.

Unless you countthe postal service.

The postal service-- I was inthe post office the other day.

You know the wantedposter in the lobby?

It turned out it wasemployee of the month.

You know what I realized?

How come UPS and FederalExpress guys never go nuts?

They should use thatin their advertising.

UPS, we're unarmed.

Don't waste your time.

It's just another one of thosetypical plane crash, shoot

everyone else onboard genre movies.

You know what I was wondering?

If you eat someoneelse in your airplane,

do you get all theirfrequent flyer miles?

After all that effort.

I wonder if there were snobson that plane, people going,

[groans], you atesomebody in coach?

I was walking around today.

Are you sick ofseeing all these jerks

with the cellularphones on the street?

They can't use a pay phonelike everyone else, right?

They have to show offtheir little phone.

When they said cellularphones cause brain tumors,

that's when I knewthere was a god.

I wish everything youdid that was pretentious

was hazardous to your health.

That would be great.

Doctor, I have a brain tumor.

It's my cellularphone, isn't it?

Well, son, actually wethink it's your ponytail.

Although we can't ruleout the fact that you've

been wearingsunglasses at night.

Speaking of doctors, youknow what I found out?

You know there's apsychiatric emergency

room in New York Cityat Bellevue Hospital?

A psychiatric emergency room.

How do the nursesdecide what order

to treat you in atthis emergency room?

What is that?

Oh, OK, Napoleon's spies arechasing you because they found

out you stole the Rosetta Stone.

OK, if you can have a seat overhere next to the guy who thinks

he's Thomas Jefferson.

We're going chronologically.

I'm afraid we're onlyup to the Renaissance.

So you're lookingat a 300 year wait.

Michelangelo, you're next.