Comedy Central Presents
Season 10

CC Presents: John Caparulo

  • Season 10, Ep 15
  • 04/06/2006

- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]- YEAH. GOOD. ALL RIGHT.

IT'S NOT THAT--I WISH I COULD.

LIKE I ALWAYS WISH I COULD TELL JOKES

LIKE ABOUT BUSH OR SOMETHING, BUT I DON'T CARE.

LIKE IS THAT BAD? LIKE MY FRIEND'S WILL ALWAYS GUILT TRIP ME.

THEY'LL SAY "DID YOU SEE WHAT BUSH SAID TODAY? DID YOU SEE HIS SPEECH?"

"NO." "HOW COULD YOU MISS THAT?"

"I GUESS I GOT MORE CHANNELS THAN YOU DO, DUDE,

'CAUSE IT WASN'T ON NICKELODEON. I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT."

"OH, WHAT ABOUT THE EDUCATION SYSTEM AND GAY MARRIAGE?"

"I ALREADY GRADUATED. I'M NOT GONNA MARRY A DUDE, ALL RIGHT? I DON'T CARE.

I DON'T WHY THIS IS SO HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND."

I HAVEN'T BEEN WATCHINGANYTHING FOR A WHILE.

YOU EVER HAVE THIS PROBLEM?

MY CABLE WENT OUT LIKE TEN WEEKS AGO.

AND THE CABLE COMPANY DOESN'T CARE.

LIKE, I CALL 'EM I'M LIKE, "YEAH. I GOT FUZZ.

CAN YOU DO SOMETHING?"

"WELL, WE CAN'T COME OUT TONIGHT. HA, HA.

"WE CAN COME OUT ON MONDAY BETWEEN 10:00AM AND THURSDAY.

- ARE YOU GONNA BE HOME?" - [LAUGHTER]

"YEAH. I'LL PROBABLY BE HOME, BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY TV.

DO YOU SEE MY PROBLEM?" "MAYBE IT'S NOT YOUR CABLE."

THEN HE ASKSTHESE STUPID QUESTIONS."IS YOUR TV PLUGGED IN?"

"I WILL [BLEEP] STAB YOU. ALL RIGHT?

"I SWEAR TO GOD. WHO UNPLUGS A TV EVER?

"YOU PLUG IT IN ONCE AND IT STAYS THAT WAY 'TIL YOU [BLEEP] MOVE.

"THERE COULD BE A NESTOF POSSUMS BEHIND MY TV.

"I WOULDN'T KNOW IT, 'CAUSE I DON'T GO BACK THERE.

"YEAH, I WAS GONNA TURN IT OFF WITH THE REMOTE, BUT THEN I THOUGHT,

"'YOU KNOW WHAT? IT MIGHT TURN ON BY ITSELF, SO I THOUGHT I'D GO AHEAD

"AND UNPLUG IT TO QUELL THAT STORM.'

"ALL RIGHT. YEAH. I'M RETARDED.

I DON'T KNOW IF I MENTIONED THAT WHEN I CALLED."

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT TO GO OVER TO MY FRIEND'S HOUSE TO WATCH TV.

ALL MY FRIENDS DO IS WATCH PORN. WHAT IS IT WITH GUYS?

I'M ALL FOR PORN, BUT DON'T SHARE IT.

I GO OVER TO MY FRIEND'S HOUSE.

"DUDE, I GOT THIS KILLER NEW PORN, YOU WANNA WATCH IT?"

NOT TOGETHER, REALLY, THAT'S WEIRD, DUDE.

WHAT'S THAT GONNA DO FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP?

AND WHY ARE YOU WEARING COLOGNE RIGHT NOW? THAT'S GAY?

- MONTREAL? DID YOU LIKE IT? - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - REALLY?

IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN THERE, IT'S IN QUEBEC.

IT'S A FRENCH PROVINCE OF CANADA, SO IT'S REAL EUROPY.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO GLAD TO BE BACK IN AMERICA,

WHERE PEOPLE SPEAK SPANISH. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT GETS REAL OLD REAL FAST.

YOU EVER BEEN AROUND A LOT OF FRENCH PEOPLE BEFORE? IT'S A REAL MUSHY LANGUAGE.

SOUNDS LIKE EVERYBODY WANTS TO KISS YOU AND STUFF.

AND THE THING IS IT THROWS YOU OFF,

'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN FRANCE. YOU'RE IN NORTH AMERICA.

SO, THE PEOPLE LOOK LIKE US. LIKE, THEY DRESS ALL AMERICAN.

LIKE, THERE'S BROTHER'S UP THERE ALL THUGGED OUT.

- BUT THEY SPEAK FRENCH. - [LAUGHTER]

THOSE ARE THE DUDES YOU'RE AFRAID OF HERE BUT...

[BLEEP] HIM, HE SPEAKS FRENCH. LIKE, HOW TOUGH CAN YOU BE,

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE THEY'RE TRYING TO SWELL UP ON YOU

AT A RESTAURANT OR SOMETHING. "THIS A POTA-JE A LA BEAU."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"WHATEVER, PIERRE DOG. I DON'T WANNA HEAR THAT CRAP.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU SCARING? I JUST CAME FROM L.A., YO.

"I'LL PUNCH YOUIN THE [BLEEP] AND RUN.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? WHO'S TOUGH NOW? ME."

[LAUGHTER]

- WENT TO MISSOURI.- WOO!

- [BLEEP] MISSOURI. - [LAUGHTER]

I GOT A SPEEDING TICKET FOR $130. THAT'S A BUNCH OF CRAP.

RENT'S NOT $130 IN MISSOURI. ALL RIGHT? THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

AND THE WORST THING ISYOU EVER GET PULLED OVERDRIVING OUT OF STATE

AND THE COP GETS ALL EXCITED 'CAUSE IT'S HIS CHANCE TO [BLEEP] WITH YOU.

HE SEES I GOT A CALIFORNIA LICENSE.

HE'S LIKE, "OH, WE--LL, MR. CIVILIZATION.

WHAT SEEMS TO BE YOUR HURRY?"

"I'M TRYING TO GET THE [BLEEP] OUT OF MISSOURI, DUDE.

"I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE LOOKED AT THE STATE LATELY.

"IT SUCKS, ALL RIGHT? THERE'S JUST COLD AND COWS AND STUFF.

"I'M TRYING TO GET UP TO 88 MILES AN HOUR,

"SO I CANGET BACK TO 1985, BITCH.

OR IS THAT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON 'CAUSE THIS SUCKS."

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

TRAVELING'S THE WORST. I WENT TO TEXAS.

WHY ARE BUGS SO FRIGGIN' BIG IN TEXAS? HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

IT'S LIKE A GODZILLA MOVIE. IT'S RIDICULOUS.

LIKE YOU EVER SEE A ROACH THAT'S SO BIG,

YOU'RE AFRAID TO STEP ON 'EM?'CAUSE WHAT IF I'M NOT

HEAVY ENOUGH, REALLY, YOU KNOW?

I WAS IN EL PASO.I WENT IN THE BATHROOM.

I TURNED ON THE LIGHT.I WAS LIKE, "OH, SORRY,

"I DIDN'T KNOW SOMEBODY WAS IN HERE.

"WELL, I'LL GO OUTSIDE AND YOU FINISH UP, ALL RIGHT?

"IS THAT A MUSTACHE? THAT'S BIG. ALL RIGHT. THAT'S GREAT."

THAT WON'T LET YOU STEP ON A SPIDER.

"OH, NO. PUT HIM OUTSIDE."

"WHY? SO, HE CAN GO GET HIS FRIENDS?

AND "GO, 'HEY, IT'S [BLEEP] WARM IN THERE.'

NO. ALL RIGHT. [BLEEP] HIM." IF YOU'RE A SPIDER,

YOU'RE IN MY HOUSE, YOU'RE GONNA [BLEEP] DIE.'CAUSE, I'M A GANGSTER.

[LAUGHTER]

I USED TO LET MY DOG EAT BUGS.YOU EVER DO THAT

WHERE YOU JUST LET YOUR DOG EAT [BLEEP] THAT HE SHOULDN'T EAT,

BUT I DON'T WANNA GET UP, SO WHATEVER?

AND I JUST HAD TO GET RID OF HIM. IT SUCKS.

I MOVED INTO AN APARTMENTIN L.A. THAT DOESN'T ALLOW DOGS,

SO I HAD TO GIVE HIM TO MY PARENTS.

HE LIVES IN OHIO. I MISS HAVING A PET.

WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE DOGS IN MY BUILDING. WE'RE ALLOWED TO HAVE CATS.

MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE, "WHY DON'T YOU GET A CAT?"

I'M LIKE, "WHY DON'TI JUST START KISSING DUDES, TOO?

WE'LL JUST GO ALL THE WAYWITH THAT ONE."

YOU CAN'T BE A SINGLE GUYWITH A CAT. IT JUST LOOKS BAD.

YOU'RE EITHERGAY OR YOU'RE A VILLAIN.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT'S LIKE "HERE'S MY KITTY. HERE'S MY KITTY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEN IF THE GUYS ARE OVER FOR THE GAME,

"HEY, WHAT'S UP FELLAS? THIS IS MITTENS.

"HE'LL SCRATCH THE HELL OUTTA YOU.

"I'M GONNA GO PUT ON MY LIPSTICK,

"BUT YOU GUYS HANG OUTFOR A WHILE. ALL RIGHT?

YOU WANNA WATCH TV, IT'S UNPLUGGED."

PEOPLE GET DUMB STUFF. I WENT TO A PET STORE IN L.A.

THAT WAS SELLING A KANGAROO. WHO'S GONNA BUY A KANGAROO?

WHO GOES TO A PET STORE GOING,"DO YOU HAVE A KANGAROO?

"OH, [BLEEP] SWEET. ALL RIGHT. YEAH.

'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY AT THE POUND FOR SOME REASON."

THEY WERE REALLY TRYINGTO SELL ME ON IT, TOO,

"LIKE THEY MAKE GREAT PETS.

I'M LIKE, "YEAH. IF I CAN GET HIM IN THE CAR

WITHOUT HIM BEATIN' THE [BLEEP]OUTTA ME, I'LL BE FINE."

IT'S A KANGAROO. HAVE YOU SEEN LOONY TUNES?

THEY DON'T [BLEEP] AROUND. GET OUTTA HERE.

LIKE, I DON'T LIKE WHEN PEOPLE TAKE RISKS WITH THEIR PETS.

LIKE, I DON'T EVEN LIKE BIG DOGS, YOU KNOW.

LIKE, NOBODY NEEDS A ROTTWEILER, ALL RIGHT?

UNLESS YOU SELL DRUGSOR DRIVE A SLED TO WORK,

YOU DON'T NEED A DOG THAT BIG.

LIKE, I DON'T LIKE WHEN I GO OVER TO SOMEBODY'S HOUSE

WITH A BIG DOG AND THEY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE WITH IT,

YOU KNOW, LIKE, I'M JUST COOL WITH HANGING OUT WITH THIS BEAR

WHILE YOU'RE IN THE SHOWER. "I'M JUST GONNA GO SMOKE."

YOU'RE GONNA TAKE HIM TO SMOKE, ALL RIGHT?

I'M NOT GONNA HANG OUT WITH HIM, 'CAUSE IT'S ONE THING

IF I COME TO YOUR HOUSEAND YOUR SHIATSU GETS

ALL REVVED UP AND HUMPS MY LEG. IT'S FINE, WE'RE STILL FRIENDS.

BUT, YOUR ROTTWIELER COULD BEND ME OVER THE SINK.

- IT'S LIKE, OOPS! - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DUDE, GET YOUR DOG OFF ME. YEAH. YOUR DOG'S RAPING ME.

WHY ARE YOU JUST STANDING THERE? PUT THE CAMERA DOWN

AND GET YOUR [BLEEP] DOG, ALL RIGHT?

AND YOU COULD AT LEAST CLIP HIS NAILS BEFORE I COME OVER,

'CAUSE NOW I GOT [BLEEP] ON MY BACK.

TO SEE MY FAMILY, OR TO LIVE WITH MY FAMILY. I TOOK MY DOG HOME.

I HAD MY DOG IN ONE OF THOSE KENNEL CARRIER THINGS,

YOU KNOW, THOSE BOXES-- THEY MADE ME TAKE THE DOG

OUT OF THE CARRIER SO THEY COULD INSPECT IT FOR EXPLOSIVES.

WHO BOMBS A [BLEEP] PUPPY, REALLY? WHO DOES THAT?

BIN LADEN WOULD BE LIKE,"YOU'RE A DICK, DUDE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU-- THAT'S TOO FAR."

EVERY FLIGHT I'M ON IS DELAYED. YOU GO TO THE AIRPORT

AND SEE I'M ON YOUR FLIGHT, YOU GOT TIME, ALL RIGHT,

'CAUSE WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, EVERY FLIGHT.

I HAD A FLIGHT ONCE FROM SAN DIEGO TO L.A.-- DELAYED.

IT'S A 22 MINUTES FLIGHT. THEY DELAYED IT FOR 90 MINUTES.

I'M LIKE "THE WHOLE REASON I PAID YOU $84 IS 'CAUSE

I DIDN'T HAVE TWO HOURS TO DRIVE."

BUT YOU CAN'T SNAP ANYMORE AT THE AIRPORT

'CAUSE THEY'LL ARREST YOU. LIKE I'M TRYING TO BE CALM,

BUT I'M PISSED. LADY AT THE COUNTER DOESN'T CARE.

IT'S LIKE, "WHAT SEEMSTO BE THE PROBLEM, SIR?"

I'M LIKE "I'M STILL HERE. THAT'S WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT?""CALM DOWN, SIR.

WE'RE JUST MISSING A FLIGHT ATTENDANT."

"I'LL PUSH THE DRINK CART. LET'S [BLEEP] GO, DUDE."

WE DON'T NEED FLIGHT ATTENDANTS.

IT'S A 22-MINUTE FLIGHT. WE DON'T NEED ANY PILOTS.

JUST DRIVE IT UP THE FREEWAY.WE'RE IN A JET.

- THEY'LL GET OUT OF THE WAY. - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EVERY FLIGHT, AND IT'S ALWAYS 'CAUSE OF THAT SECURITY.

THAT'S GOT TO GO. ALL RIGHT?

I'M SICK OF WAITING FOR PEOPLETO TAKE THEIR SHOES OFF.

NOT EVERYBODY'S A THREAT TO HIJACK THE PLANE. ALL RIGHT?

THE 95 YEAR OLD GUY WITH THE WALKER--

IS NOT GONNA HIJACK THE PLANE, ALL RIGHT? TRUST ME.

CAN'T STAND IT. TRAVELING'S THE WORST.

I CAN'T GO TO WORK. I'M TOO LAZY TO GO TO WORK.

ANYBODY ELSE LAZY-- LAZY PEOPLE?

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - SOME OF YOU CAN HARDLY CLAP.

- ALL RIGHT. I DON'T-- WOO! - [LAUGHTER]

I'M LAZY. WHEN YOU GO TO BED

AND START SETTIN'YOUR ALARM CLOCK FOR PM.WHY EVEN SET IT ALL?

I'M SETTING IT FOR LIKE 1:30 THE OTHER DAY AND GO,

I DON'T WANNA OVERSLEEP OR NOTHIN'.

[LAUGHTER]

MY LAST JOB I WORKED AT A GOLF COURSE.

I HAD TO BE AT WORKAT 5:00 IN THE MORNING. THAT'S EARLY.

ROOSTERS LOOK AT YOU AND GO, "WHAT THE [BLEEP] ARE YOU

DOING UP RIGHT NOW, DUDE? THIS IS EARLY, DUDE."

AND THEN, YOU KNOW THE GOLF COURSE WASN'T THAT BAD, BUT DUDE

- I GOT BIT BY A SWAN. - [LAUGHTER]

YOU DON'T REALLY RECOVER FROM THAT EITHER.

LIKE WHO DO YOU TRUST AFTER THAT, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, I'D RATHERGET ATTACKED BY A BEAR,

YOU GET ATTACKED BY A BEAR, YOU MIGHT LOOSE AN EYE,

BUT YOU GOT A STORY AT LEAST. LIKE, WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW?

"WHERE DID YOU GET THAT SCAR?" SWAN-- [BLEEP] SWAN. YEAH.

YEAH. THERE WAS FEATHERS AND STUFF EVERYWHERE.

YOU WANNA DANCE? NO. ALL RIGHT. SWEET.

YOU DON'T TAKE THAT SERIOUSLY WHILE IT'S HAPPENING EITHER,

'CAUSE THAT'S NOT A BIRD OF PREY.

THAT'S A LAWN ORNAMENT. THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO ATTACK.

BUT WHAT HAPPENS IS THEY LAY THEIR EGGS

AND THE MALE GETS REAL PROTECTIVE,

AND NOBODY TOLD ME THAT [BLEEP].

I'M MOWING BY THE POND.ALL OF A SUDDEN

THIS SWAN'S GOT BEEF,'CAUSE I'M IN HIS HOOD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE, IS HE SERIOUS 'CAUSE I GOT A LAWN MOWER.

I'M BIGGER THAN HIM. HE'S A PUNK ASS SWAN. I MEAN, REALLY.

AND YOU DON'T WANNA RUN FROM HIM,

'CAUSE THAT'LL LOOK STUPID. SO, YOU HOLD YOUR GROUND.

SCREW HIM. IT'S A BIRD.I CAN TAKE HIM.

SEE HE DIDN'T SEE IT THAT WAY, ALL RIGHT?

HE GOT CLOSE ENOUGH. HE JUST HAULS ASS,

LIKE, KI-KI-KI-KI. OH!

THAT'S THE POINT WHERE IT DAWNS ON YOU WHERE YOUR LIFE'S AT.

I HAVE FRIENDS WITH REAL JOBSTHAT GO TO WORK GOING,

"I HOPE THERE'S NO TRAFFICON THE WAY TO THE OFFICE TODAY."

AND, I'M, "BOY, I HOPE I DON'T GET ATTACKED

BY A BIG [BLEEP] DUCK TODAY 'CAUSE THAT'D REALLY SUCK."

THAT'S THE WORST KIND YOU CAN WORK AT, TOO,

'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE PEOPLE WATCH YOU MAKE THEIR STUFF.

SO, YOU CAN'T LIKE SPIT IN ITOR PUT YOUR BALLS IN IT

OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. 'CAUSE YOU CAN TRY,

BUT THEY CATCH YOU EVERY TIME, YOU KNOW.

IT'S, "YEAH. GIVE ME TOMATOES, PEPPERS.

DID YOU JUST PUT YOUR BALLS IN MY SANDWICH?"

- [LAUGHTER] - NO.

"WHY ARE YOUR BALLS OUT?" DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

THERE OUT. I MEAN, HOW I ROLL.

I USED TO HATE WHEN FAT GUYS CAME IN,

'CAUSE THEY I'D BE MAKING THAT SANDWICH FOR FRIGGIN' DAYS.

'CAUSE THEY WANT EVERYTHING THAT'S COMING TO 'EM ON THEIR SANDWICH.

DOUBLE MEAT WHAT A SURPRISE. ALL RIGHT. GREAT."

"YEAH. GIVE ME LETTUCE, TOMATOES, PICKLES, ONIONS,

OLIVES, BOTH KINDS OF PEPPERS. OIL, SALT, VINEGAR, BACON."

"YOU WANT COOKIES ON YOUR SANDWICH?

"TOO, DUDE? 'CAUSE, AH, I CAN'T EVEN CLOSE IT NOW.

I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS MAKING THANKSGIVING DINNERFOR YOU ON A BUN.

IT'S A SANDWICH, NOT A NUCLEAR WAR SITUATION.

YOU'RE GONNA EAT AGAIN IN THREE HOURS, DUDE, ALL RIGHT?

YOU CAN O.D. ON LETTUCE, TOO.

[LAUGHTER]

- YOU GUYS EVER DO THAT? - [SILENCE]

GOOD. ALL RIGHT. YEAH.

I CAME HERE TO FEEL WORSE ABOUT MYSELF.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS KNOW THAT. YEAH, THAT'S AH--

WE USED TO HAVE ITEVERY YEAR BACK IN OHIOON MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND.

SO, IT'S LIKE MARDI GRAS FOR WHITE TRASH.

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD HOWPEOPLE COULD COME TO A YARD SALE

AND GET PICKY AND MAKE ME FEEL BAD

ABOUT THE STUFF I DIDN'T WANT ANYWAY?

YOU KNOW THEY GO "WHAT'S THIS? I DON'T WANT THIS."

NEITHER DO I, [BLEEP], AND THAT'S WHY IT'S A DIME.

"DOES THIS VCR HAVE A REMOTE?"

NO. IT DOESN'T HAVE A CORD EITHER.

THAT'S WHY IT'S $4, DUDE. IT'S A PIECE OF CRAP.

"WELL, I WASLOOKING FOR A NEW VCR."

YEAH. I THINK THEY SELL THOSE AT PLACES CALLED STORES.

YOU'RE IN MY GARAGE. LOOK ON THE WALL.

THAT'S A SPIDER. GET THE [BLEEP] OUTTA HERE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

PEOPLE WILL COME TO YOUR YARD SALE AND ASK FOR ITEMS THAT THEY DON'T EVEN SEE.

LIKE I GOT DEPARTMENTS YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT OR SOMETHING.

HEY, "WHERE ARE YOUR DRAPES? WE DON'T SEE DRAPES."

THAT'S 'CAUSE HOUSE WARES IS ON THE BACK PORCH.

I'M SORRY. YOU COULD STOP BY CUSTOMER SERVICE AT THE SHED,

GET A SLUSHY AND A PRETZEL. I MEAN, REALLY, IT'S NOT--

"WHAT'S YOUR RETURN POLICY?"

I'LL [BLEEP] STAB YOU IF YOU COME BACK HERE.

- GO AWAY. - [LAUGHTER]

- Audience: AW! - DAH. I DON'T CARE.

RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD.I MEAN, YOU GOTTA FIND SOMEBODY

YOU HAVE A LOT IN COMMON WITH,'CAUSE WE DIDN'T.

I FOUND OUT, LIKE I GUESS I'M THE TYPE "B" PERSONALITY.

I'M PRETTY LAID BACK AND SHE WAS A...BITCH.

AND IT WASN'T GONNA WORK OUT.

EVERYTHING'S SUCH A BIG DEAL IN A RELATIONSHIP.

LIKE, GUYS, YOU EVER DO SOMETHING NICE

AND REGRET IT 'CAUSE NOW YOU GOTTA DO IT EVERYDAY,

OR YOU DON'T LOVE HERAS MUCH AS YOU DID ON WEDNESDAY?

"HOW COME YOU DON'T PICK FLOWERS ANYMORE?

YOU USED TO GO OUTSIDEAND PICK FLOWERS FOR ME,

HOW COME YOU DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE?"

'CAUSE, THERE'S NO FLOWERS IN DECEMBER THERE'S PINECONES.

YOU WANT A PINECONE, 'CAUSE THERE'S PINECONES.

'CAUSE, YOU'RE SO PRETTY,I'LL PICK YOU A [BLEEP] PINECONE

- NEXT TIME I GO OUTSIDE. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE TALKING TO ME."

AND I DON'T LIKE [BLEEP] TALKING TO YOU, ALL RIGHT?

SO WE JUST SOLVED THE PROBLEM. NO MORE TALKING, ALL RIGHT.

SHE USED TO MAKE ME READ BOOKS. YOU EVER GET THAT?

WE GOTTA READ BOOKS SO WE COULD COMMUNICATE BETTER.

I DON'T READ, ALL RIGHT? I PAY FOR CABLE. ALL RIGHT?

IT'S A WASTE OF [BLEEP] TIME.

SHE GAVE ME THE VERBAL ABUSE HANDBOOK. YOU EVER READ THIS?

I FELT BAD READING IT 'CAUSE THEY HAVE ILLUSTRATED EXAMPLES

OF WHAT VERBAL ABUSEMIGHT BE IN YOUR HOUSE,

JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW. "SO, BRENDA SAYS TO BOB,

'BOB, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR DINNER?'

BOB SAYS, 'SHUT UP, WHORE AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH.'"

OH, MY GOD. THAT'S VERBAL ABUSE. I HAD NO [BLEEP] IDEA.

I SHOULD PROBABLY HIGHLIGHT THAT,

'CAUSE THAT'S GOOD [BLEEP] TO KNOW.

I'VE BEEN SAYING THATTO MY GRANDMA FOR YEARS,

AND I HAD NO IDEA THAT IT'S WRONG.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH BOB? BOB'S A DICK.

I NEVER SAID ANYTHING, THOUGH.

LIKE, I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT NOW,

'CAUSE I GOT A COURT ORDER.

BUT YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH SOME PEOPLE.

LIKE, I COULDN'T, YOU KNOW, I WAS OUTTA MY LEAGUE.

YOU EVER HAVE THAT FRIEND THAT DOESN'T PULL ANY PUNCHES

IN AN ARGUMENT? THEY JUST SAY THE MEANEST THING THEY CAN THINK OF

JUST TO WIN THE FIGHT, AND THEY DON'T CARE IF YOU

CUT YOUR WRISTS AFTERWARDS? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE STUFF YOU SHOULDN'T SAY TO SOMEBODY

YOU'RE GONNA SEE TOMORROW, YOU KNOW, LIKE,

"WE'RE NOT IN TRAFFIC. I [BLEEP] LIVE HERE."

LIKE, I COULDN'T ARGUE ABOUT LITTLE STUFF.

IT'D BE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T LIKE THE FACT THAT

I GOTTA TAKE THE TRASH OUT EVERY TIME." SHH.

"OH, YEAH? WELL, I DON'T LIKE THE FACT THAT YOU'RE A MAMMA'S BOY

- AND YOU GOT A LITTLE [BLEEP]." - [LAUGHTER]

GUESS I'LL TAKE THE TRASH OUT THEN.

I'M NOT EVEN REALLY MAD ABOUT THAT ONE ANYMORE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AND HE DOESN'T WANNA BE AN ACTOR OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

HE JUST THINKS IT'D BE COOL TO WORK BEHIND THE SCENES

AND HOLD A BOOM MIC OR SOMETHING.

LIKE THAT'S THE FAST TRACK TO BECOMING A WEIRDO.

BUT HE FOUND OUT I GUESSTHAT THE PORN PEOPLE,

THEY'LL PAY YOU $500 JUST TO USE YOUR FACE IN A PORN.

AND THEN THEY HAVE LIKETHEIR STOCK FOOTAGE

OF OTHER PEOPLE'S BALLSAND STUFF THAT THEY USE.

LIKE OTHER PEOPLE ARE HAVING SEXAND THEN THEY FLASH TO A SHOT

OF YOUR FACE GOING, "YEAH. [BLEEP] SWEET, OR WHATEVER THEY SAY."

I ALWAYS HAVE MY PORN ON MUTE, 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT LIKE U.P.S.

SHOWING UP AT THE WRONG TIME. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WHERE YOU WANT ME TO SIGN?

DID YOU HEAR THAT, 'CAUSE I'M BY MYSELF?

SO, I ASKED MY FRIEND, I'M LIKE, "IT'S 500 BUCKS.

ARE YOU GONNA DO IT?" HE'S LIKE, "NO, DUDE.

I DON'T WANT 'EM USINGMY FACE IN A GAY PORN."

WELL, IT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT BALL GAME,

'CAUSE NOW SOME GUY'STAKING IT IN THE [BLEEP].

THEN THERE'S YOUR FACE GOING, "YEAH. SWEET. ALL RIGHT."

BUT THE THING I SAID IS "IT'S NOT REALLY THAT RISKY,

'CAUSE LET'S SAY THEY DO USE YOUR FACE IN A GAY PORN.

- WHO'S GONNA TELL?" - [LAUGHTER]

IT'S NOT LIKE YOUR BUDDIES CAN REALLY MAKE FUN OF YOU,

"DUDE, WE RENTED THIS FAG PORN LAST NIGHT

AND YOU WERE THE STAR." [BLEEP]. NOW WE'RE BOTH GAY.

NEVER MIND. I DIDN'T SAW A WORD.

WHO ARE YOU? I DON'T KNOW YOU.

JUST TO FIND OUT HOW WEIRD EVERYBODY REALLY IS, THAT

"WOULD YOU DO THAT" CONVERSATION?

"WOULD YOU DO THAT? WOULD YOU DO THAT? WOULD YOU DO THAT?"

THEN THEY FIND OUT SOMETHINGYOU WOULDN'T DO.

"WOULD YOU DO IT FOR A MILLION DOLLARS?

YOU WOULDN'T DO IT FOR A MILLION DOLLARS

YOU WOULDN'T GO OUTSIDE NAKED SINGING I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT?

FOR A MILLION [BLEEP] DOLLARS YOU WOULDN'T DO IT?"

BUT WITH GUYS IT ALWAYS COMES TO THE SAME QUESTION.

- WOULD YOU SUCK A [BLEEP]? - [LAUGHTER]

EVER WALK IN ONTHE WRONG CONVERSATION?

"DUDE, COME HERE WE'RE TALKIN'.

WOULD YOU [BLEEP] ANOTHER DUDE FOR A MILLION DOLLARS?

'CAUSE, I WOULD." I DIDN'T WANNA KNOW THAT.

WE'RE GOING CAMPING NEXT WEEK AND I DIDN'T WANNA HAVE TO BUY

AN EXTRA TENT. AND I'M LIKE, "FIRST OF ALL, NO I WOULDN'T."

'CAUSE A LOTTA GUYS WILL JUMP, "A MILLION DOLLARS,

- I'LL CLOSE MY EYES." - [LAUGHTER]

A MILLION DOLLARS? YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY TAXES.

'CAUSE, THAT WOULD SUCK, YEAH, THAT WOULD BE THE WORST.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF GUYS WOULD JUMP,

"A MILLION DOLLARS, I COULD DO ANYTHING."

NO, IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE, 'CAUSE IT'S A MILLION DOLLARS,

BUT AT SOME POINT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO EXPLAIN

WHERE YOU GOT THAT CASH.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"

YOU CAN'T JUST GO FROM YOURSTUDIO APARTMENT TO A BIG HOUSE.

PEOPLE ARE GONNA HAVE QUESTIONS,

LIKE, "MAN, YOU'RE REALLY DOING WELL FOR YOURSELF."

YEAH. I'M SUCKING [BLEEP] NOW. IT'S REALLY LUCRATIVE.

PLUS, I THINK IT'S A DUMB QUESTION ANYWAY.

LET'S JUST SAY SOME WEIRD GUY HAS A MILLION DOLLARS TO SPEND

- ON A [BLEEP] JOB. - [LAUGHTER]

HE COULD PROBABLY DO BETTER THAN ME.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I DON'T HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE.

I'M GONNA CRYTHE WHOLE [BLEEP] TIME.

I MEAN,I CAN DO BETTER FOR $20.

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