Crime Steve Investigation

  • Season 2, Ep 11
  • 06/20/2016

Gary gets pranked at a water park, Jeff makes a mistake that affects the entire human race, and a Native American tribe insists on using every part of a dead buffalo.

♪ Three aliens came from the sky ♪

♪ The galactic council sent them ♪

all: ♪ And here'sthe reason why ♪

- ♪ Their mission is to study

♪ Earth's most average guy

all: ♪ To see if humansare worth saving ♪

♪ Or if everyonehas to die ♪

- Wait, what?

[crickets chirping]

- And then she bailed on me this weekend!

- She did?

- She's flakier than, like, a piece of baklava.

- [laughs]- Oh, shut up, shut up!

- No way everything she's sayingis that funny!

- But yeah,I'd love to come.

Who are we seeing?

- John Mayer.

- Oh, well, as long aswe're going together.

♪ I want to run throughthe halls of my high school ♪

- All right, that's it!

- [sings]

[silence]

- Not making any soundout of my mouth!

Okay, I--oh.Oh, my God.

Now there's sound!What's going on?

- This thing's pretty cool, huh?Check it out. Sound--

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Stop doing--- No sound.

[banjo playing]

[silence]

- Sound.- Come on.

That's not something--- No s--

- Delta five--

[silence]

- Sound!- You better stop it right now,

or I swear to God,I'm gonna--

stup--[bleep] moron--

[static]

[old-timey music]

- God damn it!- Oh, wow!

- This thing right hereis insanely dangerous,

and nobody should everuse it again,

under any circumstances.

- Next up,I'm just gonna noodle and jam

for 15 minutes!

- Whoo!

- And--

[old-timey music]

- Uh, it's just thatyour profile said,

"Mythical equine,loves to travel."

- I do love to travel.

- But...

- There areother mythical horses

besides unicorns.

- I know.

I swear, one of my best friendsis a centaur.

- Oh, good,that's great.

I guessyou can't be a bigot

since you're friendswith a half horse.

I didn't know I was havingdinner with Gandhi.

- That's not reallywhat this is--

- The horndoesn't even do anything!

It's just a phallic ornament!

I've got wings.

You know what they do?

They make me fly!

And anyonewho's sitting on me flies!

What do--what happenswhen you sit on a unicorn?

Your--your view is blockedby a [bleep] horn!

- Oh, my God.

- I'd like to go home now.

- [sighs]

You know what?[sighs]

I deserve that.

Let me--let me fly you home.- Really?

- No!No, I'm not gonna fly you home!

I am not gonna majesticallyswoop above the clouds

and silhouette us

in the goddamnglowing crescent moon!

You could've lookedlike the design

on the side of a stoner's van,and you blew it.

- This is whyI only date unicorns.

- Is this what you want?Huh?

Are you not turned on?

I'm a unicornwhose horn gives pepper!

Answer my magical questions,

and I'll lead you to a big potof golden [bleep] you!