24 Hours in a Strip Club

  • Season 1, Ep 20
  • 08/09/2016

Nikki spends a full day in a Las Vegas strip club, uses Tinder to find men who will do household chores for her and says goodbye to the season with a plea for sexual pride.

(click)

- So, Lou, you're driving me

to the Sapphire right now.

[Voiceover]- Correct.

- The best strip club in Vegas.

- Yes, it is definitely

- In the world

- Definitely is.

- What else can I expect in there?

- A whole bunch of guys hitting on you.

(laughs)

- Thank you

[Lou]- Because you're a beautiful person,

a beautiful girl.

- Person

[Lou]- Watch your step

- Thank you

Hello. I'm Nikki.

- Welcome to Sapphire Gentleman's Club, I'm Disco,

nice to meet you.

- I'm going to bespending 24 hours here.

- In a row?

- In a row.

(laughs)

- Okay.

- So, how many girls am I going to see here tonight?

- Probably about 300.

- Like the movie

- Like the movie

- They're all half naked

and they'll probably die before their time.

(laughs)

- Let me see then.

- Let's make it happen.

- All right, thanks man.

(clicks)

(techno music)

Why do people come here?

- It's an adult playground.

- I said why do people come here and you-

Never mind.

Why do people ejaculate here?

(chuckles)

- Oh my God.

People should not be doing that here.

(techno music)

- Now your name is Cupcake.

- Yes.

- Do you love cupcakes?

- I don't,

but I think my sweet, sunshine face deserves Cupcake.

- Yeah, I would be Fro Yo.

- Why?

- Because I love frozen yogurt

and you can't be Frozen Yogurt coming to the main stage.

(clicks)

[Voiceover]- How are you?

- Hi Dan.

- Good to see you.

- I'm so glad you're here.

- This is great.

Most of the strip clubs I go to are attached to a Sonic,

So, this is a real step up for me.

(laughs)

[Voiceover]- Hey guys.

- Hey, how are you?

I'd love to donate to your basketball team.

- Let's just talk, real talk

How are you going to get the most money out of this guy?

- Really pretendthat I like him,

that I'm super interested in him,

- Yeah, but you do kinda like me,

like outside of this.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Would you givehim a lap dance?

- I would love to.

- Okay, awesome.

[Dan]- Sounds great.

- I've had like a rough month,

I found out my parents are separating,

and I've been dealing with that.

- I think this is the normal talk,

that I usually get.

[Nikki]- Really?

- Really?

- Yeah

- Are there cameras in here?

- Probably.

- Good to know.

Because I was going to masturbate later.

I'm sleeping here tonight.

I am a man tonight.

[Dan]- You are a man tonight.

- Yeah, speaking of men,

I have some more to show you

(loud rock music)

- You guys should get married.

(cheering)

Hi guys

[Voiceover]- Yo

- Can I talk to you?

[Voiceover]- Yeah

[Nikki]- My boyfriend has those socks.

Hi.

- Nice to meet you, girlfriend.

- Ha ha.

- Have you ever had a lap dance before?

- No.

I saw what you guys were doing up there

and it seems violent.

- Violent?

- Just like grr ahh.

(chuckles)

(clicks)

It's time for bed,

so I'm going to get dressed.

(techno music)

I can't sleep.

It's too loud.

Tell my family I love them.

It's a lie,

but they should just feel like I do.

(clicks)

(loud dance music)

I'm beat, so I'm sorry if I'm spaced out,

but I've been here 24 hours almost now,

- Wait what?

- So dreams do come true.

- I mean, thanksfor coming back.

- I was just sleeping in the parking lot.

- I'm so sick of being here.

- You have the eyes of someone who's in Guantanamo

right now.

- I want to go home so bad.

This place has been very nice to me,

but I just

I don't ever want to bein a strip club again.

Until my shift tomorrow.

(triumphant music)

I'm free.

I'm done.

I survived, Lou.

[Lou]- Wonderful, beautiful, wonderful.

[Nikki]- Oh my God.

Let's go to Spearmint Rhino.

[Lou]- Spearmint Rhino, that's where we are going.

Get ready for a great one.

(techno music)

(audience applause)

- Alright, guys.

So, it is our last episode of the season

and right now we don't know when we're coming back

or if we're ever coming back.

You know, like your dad.

(audience laughs)

I wanted to takea minute tonight

to talk about what drew me to

Not Safe with Nikki Glaser, you know,

besides the with Nikki Glaser part,

it's really cool.

But in the past year I've talked to foot worshippers,

professional cuddlers, escorts, porn stars,

strippers, sugardaddies, young couples,

old couples, dudes on Tinder, pegging enthusiasts,

so many incredible comedians and guess what?

Everybody has sex.

We're all doin' it.

That guy over there isn't,

but the rest of us are.

(audience laughs)

It's crazy to me thatwe're all here right now

because some dude was just like.

(grunts forcefully)

Like, that's crazy.

And by some dude, I mean your dad.

(audience laughs)

Everyone of your dads.

Some of them even louder than that

and those are the oneswho aren't coming back.

But I know.

(audience laughs)

I know that talking about sex is uncomfortable

and it makes people all like,

like, how will I explainthis to my children?

And it's like, your children, your kid

came out of your vaginaso the least you can do

is explain to them what one is.

And please don't tell them to call it a downstairs

or a front bottom.

(audience laughs)

I don't know, actually, I kinda like front bottom.

We can keep that.

But my parents, honestly, never gave me the sex talk

which is why I talk about sex all the time now.

You made your bed, mom and dad, and now

I'm talking about banging in it.

Because sex was such a taboo subject in my household,

I didn't masterbate until my mid-20s.

So, like, like, yesterday.

(audience laughs)

I'm 32.

So by the time I started masterbating,

I felt like BillyMadison of jacking off.

I felt stupid, left behind, and I could only do it

if I was staring at apicture of Chris Farley

dressed as a bus driver.

(audience laughs)

Don't do that to me, you guys.

Stop it.

Here's the thing.

I think it's important that we all talk about sex

and here's why, becausehe's talking about sex.

Yeah, this guy.

And not just the adorable stuff he says

about wanting to date his own daughter.

Oh my god, I love engagement photos.

(audience groans)

It's disgusting.

Last week, Trump told young girls everywhere

that if they're sexuallyharassed at work

they should quit or find a new career.

In other words, someone please sexually harass Donald Trump.

I beg you, please.

(audience cheers)

His VP, Mike Pence, is talking about sex.

He's also talking aboutwhat kind of haircut

he might get from the Lego factory next,

but mostly sex.

He said that if elected he and Trump

will appoint Supreme Court justices

who will overturn Roe versus Wade.

You know, just like he overturns baby turtles

in order to feel joy.

(audience laughs)

Mikey likey.

You need to talk aboutsex because these states

are talking about sex and they're all trying

to pass legislation about it.

Like, North Carolina and their trans-panic bathroom laws.

Or Mississippi with their Religious Freedom Act.

Even Indiana tried making it legal

to discriminate againstthe LGBT community,

but thankfully, people rebelled until

their shit bag governor caved in and walked it back.

Wait, who is their governor?

I for, oh, right, the turtle murderer.

Guys, we have to talk about sex.

When we're quietand we treat sex

like it's shameful or weird,

we leave a void that anyone could fill

with their own personal hangups or religious beliefs

and that's where shit hits the fan.

And I don't mean that in like a fetishy sort of way.

No offense, Jim.

(audience laughs)

Talk about sex.

Be honest about it.

Because look, I'm surelast week not everybody

wanted to hear the story about the time

I found a Monistat 7cap lodged in my vagina

that had been there over a year.

But isn't it better thanpretending that we don't

lose Monistat 7 caps in our vaginas?

Right?

If you're like I was andare ashamed of yourself

for what you're into, if you hate that you watch porn

or that you like to lick feet or that you

get turned on when milfs get hit in the face with pies,

you're not alone.

The milf pie guy mightbe because we broke up,

but he dumped me.

He said I got too old.

Sex is all around us.

In fact, sex is us.

It's how we got to be here.

It shouldn't be something we're ashamed to talk about.

So stop whispering.

Be loud.

Be honest.

Be open.

It should be celebratedwhen we say like,

I have sex, you know?

(audience cheers)

That's too much celebrating.

I mean, come on.

It's not like I won American Idol.

I'm just a normal person who has sex sometimes, you know.

(short sharp bang)

(screams)

(audience cheers)

Guys, seriously, come on.

It's not New Year's Eve, okay.

("Auld Lang Syne")

Is that Auld Lang Syne?

Oh, Jesus, well maybe we should celebrate it this much.

Guys, don't be quiet about sex.

Be loud about it.

Talk about it.

We'll be right back.

(audience cheers)