Pam Matteson & Mike Dugan

  • Season 1, Ep 0105
  • 02/24/1992

IT'S GOING TO BEA GREAT AUDIENCE.

I WORE THE BRIGHTESTCOLORS I OWN.

BUT I, YOU KNOW, I...

I'M IN TOUCH WITH,LIKE, MY OWN LIFE

IF IT'S OKAY WITH YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

UH, I HOPE YOU HAVE GREAT SEX.

I HOPE YOU'RE MARRIEDOR TONIGHT YOU'LL GO HOME

WHOEVER'S WATCHING--

I DON'T KNOW WHERETHE CAMERA IS--

BUT JUST HAVE SEX.

I JUST, I HAVE SEXUALLOW SELF-ESTEEM.

THE PROBLEM IS,I HAVE A PROBLEM LIKE--

REMEMBER THAT PRESIDENT FORD?

I CAN'T DO TWO THINGS AT ONCE.

I CAN'T HAVE INTERCOURSE ANDENJOY MYSELF AT THE SAME TIME

WHICH IS SAD.

PLUS I'M A JEW...

I'M SURE THERE AREGREAT JEWISH LOVERS

BUT JEWISH FOREPLAY... AND WHILEI'M IN THE ACT I'M GOING

"OOH, TAKE ME,WANT ME, LICK ME."

THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,"IS THAT A BOIL?

WHAT IS THAT,A BOIL ON YOUR NECK?"

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

IT TAKES AWAY SOMEOF THE HEAT FROM ME.

( scattered laughter )

BUT I DON'T KNOW,I JUST, I DON'T KNOW...

WHEN I'M MAKING LOVE

I MEAN, I'M IN THERAPY, SO I'MGOING TO TRY TO FEEL BETTER

BUT DURING INTERCOURSE,I LITERALLY SAY TO MY LOVER

"ARE YOU SURE THISISN'T BOTHERING YOU?

BECAUSE IF IT IS..."

AND THEN IF SHE LUCKILY

I HOPE, I PRAY,HAS AN ORGASM, I SAY

"DON'T BLAME ME,DON'T BLAME ME!"

AND IF I HAVE AN ORGASM--

THIS IS THE THINGTHAT'S REALLY DISGUSTING

IF I HAVE AN ORGASM...

AND YOU KNOW, SUPPOSEDLY,YOU SHOULD SHRIEK.

I FEEL YOU SHOULD SHRIEKDURING AN ORGASM.

I FEEL THIS IS THE '90s.

IT'S THE '90s,THE DECADE OF THE SHRIEK

AND I GO, "OOH, I'M SORRY!"

THAT'S WHERE I'M FROM, BUT...

ANYWAY THAT'S MY PROBLEM.

AND THE WOMEN, YOU'RE SO PRETTYAND SMILING AT ME.

I THINK THAT IS SO NICE

BECAUSE USUALLY WOMENALWAYS LOOK AT EACH

LIKE THEY'RE SMELLINGONIONS, DON'T THEY?

AREN'T WE REALLY JUDGMENTAL?

IT'S KIND OF FUN TO BE A BITCH.

I THINK IT'S AN ART FORM,I REALLY DO.

WHEN I CAME UP ON STAGE,NOW, WERE YOU SAYING TO YOURSELF

"THAT IS NOT HERREAL HAIR COLOR."

WERE YOU DOING THATTO ME, COME ON?

BECAUSE I WAS DOING THAT TO YOU.

WE'RE SO AWFUL.

I MEAN, GIRLS, YOU EVER SITIN YOUR LIVING ROOM

WITH FIVE WOMEN WATCHINGTHE MISS AMERICA CONTEST?

IT'S LIKE WE'RE WATCHINGA BAD ACCIDENT.

"OH, MY GOD, LOOK AT MISS ARIZONA.

"NO WONDER WHYTHERE'S NO WATER THERE.

SHE'S RETAINING IT."

WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT, GUYS?

AT LEAST WE DON'T BARK AT YOU

WHEN YOU'RE WALKINGDOWN THE STREET.

GIRLS WALKING DOWN THE STREET,THE GUYS ARE IN THEIR CARS:

( grunting, snorting, meowing )

( baboon chatter )

LIKE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY

"OH, MY GOD, THERE HE IS, COME BACK.

"COME BACK, COME BACK.

"LOOK HOW BIG I'M GETTING.

"MAKE THE GIRAFFE NOISE.

THAT REALLY TURNS ME ON."

GUYS WILL DO IT TO ANYTHINGFEMALE WALKING DOWN THAT STREET.

A FEMALE DOG, A FEMALE TURTLE.

"COME HERE YOU LITTLE TURTLE."

( snorting )

"COME OUT OF YOUR SHELL."

DO YOU LIKE THE LIZARD?

IT SEEMS LIKE I DON'T LOVE MEN.

I'M GETTING MARRIED.

ISN'T THAT COOL?

( applause )

TO A VERY SUCCESSFUL CAR SALESMAN.

I AM SO EXCITED.

AND I KNOW YOU BEENSTARING AT MY RING.

ISN'T IT FABULOUS?

HE SOLD IT TO ME.

BUT HE'S GREAT.

HE IS SO PATIENT WITH ME

BECAUSE LET ME TELL YOUABOUT ME.

I AM A HYPOCHONDRIAC.

RICHARD IS KNOWN ASTHE BIGGEST HYPOCHONDRIAC.

NO, YOU MET HER.

YOU HEAR AN AMBULANCE.

MOST PEOPLE PULL OVER.

I'M OUT OF MY CAR.

"I'M OVER HERE, I'M DYING!"

I ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHINGWRONG WITH ME

SO I LOOK IN MEDICALJOURNALS EVERY NIGHT

AND I HAVEEVERYTHING IN THE BOOK.

THE OTHER NIGHTI HAD NARCOLEPSY--

A COMIC'S BIGGEST FEAR.

PICTURE A COMICHAVING NARCOLEPSY--

YOU KNOW, WHERE PEOPLEFALL ASLEEP FOR NO REASON?

"SO, HI, HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?"

OH, IT GETS WORSE.

YESTERDAY, I HADTOURETTE'S SYNDROME.

DO YOU KNOW

WHERE PEOPLE SCREAM OBSCENITIES

FOR NO REASON AT ALL?

I'M FROM NEW YORK SO I THOUGHTEVERYBODY HAD TOURETTE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY COOL

NOW THAT I HAVE NARCOLEPSYAND TOURETTE?

NOW I CAN WAKE MYSELF UP.

BITCH!

NO, IT'S HORRIBLE.

I EVEN HAD THE SAME SYMPTOMS

AS SOMEBODY WITHAN ENLARGED PROSTATE.

SO NOW I'M RUNNING TO MY DOCTORBECAUSE I'M GROWING A PENIS

AND IT'S HORRIFYING.

AND MY DOCTORIS A HYPOCHONDRIAC.

HE'S LIKE, "LOOK, PAM, I CAN'TTALK TO YOU, I GOT CRAMPS."

BUT I FEEL GOOD TODAY,YES, I DO.

LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE VERY YOUNG.

FIVE YEARS YOUNGER ANDI COULD BREAST-FEED YOU.

SO I GUESS YOU'RE ALL WONDERING

"WHAT DID YOU DO, PAM,BEFORE YOU WERE A STAND-UP?"

I WAS A SLUT, YES.

SPEAKING OF SLUTS,NOW LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

LET ME CALL YOU JIM,BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE A JIM.

DO YOU EVER LOOK IN CENTERFOLDS?

YOU HAVE,BECAUSE YOU'RE A PERVERT.

YOU EVER READWHAT THESE GIRLS SAY?

THEY'RE IN THE CENTER OF THEMAGAZINE LIKE THEY'RE VIRGINS

LITTLE WHITE LACES,TEDDY BEARS, LOLLIPOPS

WHILE THEY'RE SPREAD-EAGLED.

AND WHAT DO THESE WOMENHAVE THE NERVE TO SAY?

"TURN ONS: KNITTING...

( laughter )

"SEWING...

( laughter )

"BIG FLUFFY PILLOWS...

"HONORING MY MOTHERAND FATHER...

( laughter )

AND READING THE BIBLE."

( laughter )

( applause )

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,BUT I COULD'VE SWORN

THE BIBLE SAID,"SPREAD THE WORD."

AM I RIGHT?

THEN THESE GIRLS GO, "MY PARENTS RESPECT WHAT I DO."

WOULDN'T YOUR FATHER KILL YOUIF HE SAW YOU LIKE THAT?

I COULD JUST SEE MY DAD,THE EX-NEW YORK, IRISH COP--

THE KIND OF DADTHAT CLEANS HIS GUNS

WHILE HE'S TALKINGTO YOUR DATES.

YOU KNOW THAT KIND OF DAD?

HE'S NOT A COP ANYMORE

SO HE STILL THINKSHE HAS AUTHORITY.

ANYTIME HE SEES A CROWD

HE THINKS HE CAN BREAK IT UP.

HE'S LIKE OKAY, "SHOW'S OVER.

NOTHING MORE TO SEE, HIT THE ROAD."

AND THIS WAS ATMY SISTER'S WEDDING.

BUT MY DAD, YOU KNOW, MY DAD

WHEN I WAS 16 HE FOLLOWED MEAROUND IN A POLICE HELICOPTER.

I'M MAKING OUT IN THE CAR,MY DAD'S UP THERE.

"COME OUT OF THE CAR

"WITH YOUR HANDS OVER YOURHEAD AND SPREAD YOUR LEGS.

NOT YOU, PAM."

HE WAS A COP FOR 20 YEARSAND HE WAS ALWAYS BRAGGING

"YOU KNOW, I WAS ONLYSHOT IN THE ARM ONCE."

WELL ACCORDINGTO MY MOM, SHE SAID

"WELL IF I WOULD'VE AIMED BETTER

I WOULD'VE GOT HIM IN THE HEAD,THE SON OF A BITCH."

MY MOTHER TALKS LIKE THAT.

SHE'S NOT FROM THIS COUNTRY.

SHE'S FROM BROOKLYN.

AND YOUR MOM'S FROM BROOKLYN.

AND THEY'RE SO EMBARRASSING.

I'LL BE IN A SUPERMARKETWITH MY MOTHER

AND SHE WILL SCREAM TO MEACROSS THE AISLE

"PAM, HONEY, ARE YOUSTILL CONSTIPATED?"

( laughter )

"ANSWER ME-- HEY, WHATARE YOU EMBARRASSED FOR?

"WHO CARES WHAT PEOPLE THINK?

"WHO CARES, THEY'RE ALL GOINGTO BE DEAD SOMEDAY, YOU'LL SEE.

"AND WHILE YOU'RE OVER THERE

"PICK YOURSELF UPSOME FEEN-A-MINT

BECAUSE IT WILLLOOSEN UP YOUR BOWELS."

( laughter )

"I'M CHEWING IT NOWAND IT'S WORKING.

IT'S FABULOUS."

WE GO TO MOVIE THEATERS ANDSHE TALKS TO THE SCREEN.

"PICK THE GUN UP AND SHOOT HIM.

"SHOOT HIM NOW.

HE DESERVES IT."

PEOPLE ALWAYS TURN AROUND TOMY MOM IN MOVIE THEATERS AND SAY

"WILL YOU PLEASE BE QUIET, SIR."

WE'RE DRIVING IN THE CAR.

SHE'S INSULTING EVERYONEWALKING ACROSS THE STREET.

"HOLY MOSES, LOOKAT THIS FASHION TRAGEDY.

"LOOK AT THIS WITHTHE HAIR DOWN TO HIS BUTT

"THE EARRING IN EVERY POREOF HIS BODY.

"HEY, YOU, YOU SON OF A GUN!

"YEAH, I'M TALKING TO YOU.

PICK A GENDERAND STICK WITH IT."

( laughter )

I WAS TALKINGABOUT LOW SELF-ESTEEM AND--

HEY, IF YOU HAVE PHLEGM

ANY MORE OF THAT,OUT OF THE BUILDING.

OUT OF THE BUILDING.

BUT, UH, I DO HAVE...

I WASN'T LYING TO YOUGUYS BEFORE, REALLY.

I REALLY FEEL LIKE IF I WANTTO ENJOY MYSELF SEXUALLY...

IF I HAVE AN ORGASM,I FEEL THAT I DESERVE

OR THE COMMUNITY DESERVES

FOR ME TO GIVE SIX WEEKSOF COMMUNITY SERVICE

TO DIFFERENT, VARIOUS CHARITIES.

I FEEL THAT WAY.

AND YOU KNOW, PLUS,RIGHT NOW, IT'S A TOUGH TIME

YOU KNOW, SEXUALLY, ANDMASTURBATION IS VERY SAFE

ALTHOUGH I'M FRIGHTENEDOF IT BUT, UM...

YOU KNOW, I REALLYFEEL THAT, YOU KNOW

IT'S SAD FOR ME BECAUSEI HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

BEFORE I HAVE MASTURBATION,I SAY TO MYSELF

"BREAK A LEG," WHICHI FEEL IS ALL I HAVE...

WHILE I MASTURBATE, I ACTUALLYFANTASIZE THAT I'M SOMEONE ELSE

WHICH I FEEL IS SORT OF SAD.

YOU KNOW, IN FACT IF I DO ITIN DIFFERENT ROOMS

I ACTUALLY FEEL THAT I'MCHEATING ON MYSELF WHICH IS SAD.

BUT ANYWAY UH...

THAT'S MY PROBLEM.

HEY, YOU'RE LOOKINGGOOD TONIGHT.

MY LIFE IS GOING REAL WELL.

THE CAREER IS GOING WELL.

MOVED INTO A NEW HOUSEAND A LOT OF THINGS GOING ON.

I WAS IN HAWAII LAST WEEKWHICH WAS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL.

HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

IT'S BEAUTIFULEXCEPT FOR ONE THING:

ALL THE SIGNS ARE IN HAWAIIAN.

SO AFTER A COUPLE OF DAYS

EVERYTHING YOU READSTARTS LOOKING HAWAIIAN.

YOU'LL SEE A SIGNTHAT SAYS "U-HA-UL."

NO, THAT'S U-HAUL.

I WAS IN FLORIDA WHEN THEYSENTENCED THIS KATHY WILLETS

THE NYMPHOMANIAC PROSTITUTE.

YOU FAMILIAR WITH THIS?

THEY SENTENCED HER TO 400 HOURSOF COMMUNITY SERVICE.

I THINK SHE'S QUALIFIED.

WHAT IS GOING ON IN FLORIDA?

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT FLORIDA.

NYMPHOMANIAC,SEX SCANDAL, FLORIDA.

REMEMBER ROXANNE PULITZER?

SEX SCANDAL, FLORIDA.

WILLIAM KENNEDY SMITH,SEX SCANDAL, FLORIDA.

PEE WEE HERMAN,SEX SCANDAL, FLORIDA.

NOW IF YOU LOOKAT FLORIDA ON A MAP...

( applause )

YOU SEE, NOW FLORIDA IS LUCKYTO BE IN WARM WATER TOO

BECAUSE MAINE HASA PENINSULA ALSO

BUT IT'S NOT NEARLY THAT SIZE.

I'M STARTING TO UNDERSTAND LIFE.

I ALSO HAVE ENOUGHEXPERIENCE TO KNOW

THAT TWO YEARS FROM NOW

I'LL LOOK BACK AND REALIZEI HAD NO CLUE.

HAS THIS HAPPENED TO YOU?

WHEN I WAS 18 I WAS COCKY.

I THOUGHT I HAD IT TOGETHER.

AND THEN I HIT 21,I KNEW I HAD IT TOGETHER.

LOOKED BACK AT 18 SAID,"WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?"

THEN WHEN I WAS 25,I LOOKED BACK AT 21, SAID

"I WAS OUT OF MY MIND."

NOW I LOOK AT 25 THE SAME WAY.

DOES THIS GO ONYOUR ENTIRE LIFE?

IS THERE SOME GUY90 YEARS OLD SAYING

"YOU KNOW WHEN I WAS 87,I WAS CLUELESS.

"NOW I'M LIVINGUP TO MY POTENTIAL.

BOY, IF I ONLY KNEW AT 88WHAT I KNOW NOW AT 90

I WOULD DO IT ALL DIFFERENTLY."

30 IS KIND OF TOUGH BIRTHDAY.

ANYBODY 30?

YEAH, YOU GO THROUGHCHANGES WHEN YOU HIT 30.

YOU START TO REALIZE THINGSWHEN YOU TURN 30.

THINGS LIKE, "PEOPLE WHOARE 40 AREN'T VERY OLD."

90 IS OLD, 100, THAT'S OLD.

DICK CLARK-- WHAT IS HE,200, 300 NOW?

DICK CLARK WENT TO A PSYCHIC.

SHE TOLD HIM IN A PREVIOUSLIFE HE WAS DICK CLARK.

( laughter, applause )

WHAT'S THE OPTION,HEAVEN AND HELL?

I'VE DONE A LOT OF THINKINGABOUT HEAVEN AND HELL.

I'M PROBABLY LIKE YOU.

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GOINGTO HEAVEN OR HELL.

I JUST HOPE GOD GRADESON A CURVE.

MAYBE AN EXTRA-CREDITQUESTION AT THE END.

LIKE AN ESSAY.

I CAN B.S. SOMETHING.

I BELIEVE THERE'S A GOD TOO.

I BELIEVE THERE'S A GOD

BECAUSE JIMMY SWAGGARTGOT ARRESTED AGAIN

WITH A JUNKIE HOOKER ANDA CAR FULL OF DIRTY MAGAZINES.

THIS GUY IS EITHERAN INCREDIBLE HYPOCRITE

OR HE'S VERY CONFUSEDOVER THE TERM

"STIFF OPPOSITIONOF PORNOGRAPHY."

THESE PEOPLE FRIGHTEN ME.

NOW I HEARD

THAT TAMMY FAYE AND JIM BAKKERARE GETTING A DIVORCE NOW.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S A LOSS, HUH.

TAMMY FAYE ANDTHAT LEE PRESS-ON FACE.

"YEA, THOUGH I WALK

THROUGH THE VALLEY OFTHE EYE SHADOW OF DEATH..."

A LITTLE HIGHLIGHT IS NICE.

THIS STUFF YOU PUT ONWITH A SPACKLE KNIFE.

SIMPLE ANALOGY: YOU PUT MAGWHEELS AND A RACING STRIPE

ON A '71 GREMLIN,IT'S STILL A '71 GREMLIN.

( applause )

YOU GOT THESE OPERATION RESCUEPEOPLE HARASSING WOMEN

WALKING INTO THEFAMILY-PLANNING CLINICS.

LOOK, EVERYONE'S GOTTHEIR OWN BELIEFS ON THIS.

I BELIEVE LIFE BEGINS

WHEN YOU START MINDINGYOUR OWN BUSINESS.

THESE PEOPLE REFUSETO CAPITULATE ON ANY LEVEL.

THEY DON'T WANT SEX ED.

THEY DON'T WANTTEENAGERS TO HAVE CONDOMS

IN SOME BIZARRE SILENCE OF THE LAMBSKINS CAMPAIGN THEY GOT.

AND THEN THEY TRY TO BLAMETEEN SEX ON ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC.

COME ON, TEENAGERS HAVE SEXBECAUSE THEY'RE HORNY.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO BLAMETEEN SEX ON ROCK AND ROLL

WHY DON'T WE JUST BLAME INCESTON COUNTRY AND WESTERN, HUH?

( laughter, hooting )

THAT JOKE DOESN'T WORKIN ALABAMA.

A LOT OF JOKESDON'T WORK IN ALABAMA.

LIKE, YOU GETTHE PHILOSOPHY JOKES?

IN ALABAMA, THEY DON'T.

THEY THINK DESCARTES IS THETHING YOU PUT BEFORE DUH HORSE.

I'M DATING AGAIN.

I GUESS THAT'STHE BIG NEWS OF MY LIFE.

I'M DATING AGAIN WHICH ISVERY EXCITING BECAUSE...

BECAUSE I'M MARRIED, AND, UH...

NAH, I'VE NEVER BEEN MARRIED.

BUT I'D LIKE TO FINDSOMEONE I CAN GROW WITH

SOMEONE I CAN NURTURE

SOMEONE WHO CANSTRAIGHTEN OUT MY FINANCES.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS, RIGHT?

COUPLES GET MARRIEDAND THE WOMEN ARE ON THE MONEY.

IT'S BECAUSE MARRIED MENARE FORMERLY SINGLE MEN.

FACE IT, SINGLE MEN WILLSPEND MONEY ON ANYTHING

BUT TAKING CARE OF THEMSELVES.

I'VE DONE MY LAUNDRY IN SHAMPOO.

YOU'D BE SURPRISED--

A LITTLE CONDITIONERIN THE RINSE CYCLE...

MY SHIRTS HAVE NEVERBEEN SO MANAGEABLE.

YOU KNOW, A SINGLE GUY COULDHAVE EIGHT LAMPS IN HIS HOUSE

HE'LL STILL WAITTILL HE GETS TO ONE BULB

HE CARRIES FROM ROOM TO ROOM.

AND IT WASTES TIME

BECAUSE YOU GOT TO WAITFOR IT TO COOL DOWN...

THAT'S WHY WE LEAVEOUR SOCKS LYING AROUND.

WE NEED THEM FOR OVEN MITTS.

( laughter )

MEN DO LEAVE THEIR DIRTY SOCKSAND DIRTY CLOTHES LAYING AROUND.

WOMEN LEAVE PILESOF CLEAN CLOTHES.

WHAT IS THAT PILE

THAT FORMS RIGHT BEFOREYOU GO OUT AT NIGHT?

"NO, I DON'T THINKI'LL WEAR THAT TONIGHT.

"YOU WILL REMAIN

IN A WRINKLED MASS OF SHAMEUNWORTHY OF MY ADORNMENT."

MUST BE A NAME FOR THAT PILE.

I THINK IT'S THEOH-I-LOOK-FAT-IN-THAT PILE.

( scattered applause )

I THINK WOMEN ARE BETTERAT RELATIONSHIPS THAN MEN.

THE MOST IMPORTANT ELEMENT INA RELATIONSHIP IS COMMUNICATION

AND WOMEN ARE BETTER

AT VERBALIZINGTHEIR NEEDS THAN MEN.

THEY'VE BEEN PRACTICINGFOR MILLIONS OF YEARS.

SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME

WOMEN HAVE BEEN GETTINGTOGETHER AND DISCUSSING MEN

STRIVING TO REACHAN UNDERSTANDING.

"HE DID THAT?I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

"THEN WHAT DID HE DO?

YOU SHOULD LEAVE HIM."

MEN, FOR MILLIONS OF YEARS

WE'VE BEEN GETTING TOGETHERLOOKING AT WOMEN

AND SAYING, "HEY, NICE BUTT."

SO WE'RE RETARDEDREALLY IN COMPARISON.

GUYS DON'T REALIZE WOMENHAVE THAT SIXTH SENSE.

GUYS, YOU BREAK UP WITH A WOMEN,YOU HAD BETTER DO IT SMOOTHLY

OR YOU'LL NEVERGET A GOOD ONE AGAIN.

BECAUSE WOMEN HAVEAN INTELLIGENCE NETWORK

THAT RIVALS THE C.I.A.

THEY MAKE AT&T LOOK LIKETWO TIN CANS TIED WITH STRING.

I GUARANTEE YOU,YOU SCREW OVER A WOMEN TONIGHT

TOMORROW MORNING YOU'LL BEON A BLACKLIST IN AFGHANISTAN.

( applause )

BECAUSE WOMEN ARE ALWAYSCONFERRING WITH THEIR ADVISORS.

"THANKS FOR YOUR HELP.

I'LL LET YOU KNOWHOW IT WORKS OUT."

THEY'RE BASICALLYRESEARCHERS, WOMEN ARE

ESPECIALLY IN BED.

THAT ONLY LOOKS LIKE A NEGLIGEE,IT'S REALLY A LAB COAT.

IF YOU WANT TO HAVEA SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP

KEEP IN MIND THAT WOMENARE ALWAYS RIGHT.

EVEN WHEN THEY'RE WRONG,THEY'RE RIGHT.

WE CAN'T WIN AN ARGUMENT.

YOU TRY ARGUING WITH A WOMAN, IT DOESN'T WORK OUT.

IF YOU START TO WINTHE ARGUMENT LOGICALLY

THEY SHIFT GEARS

AND START TO ARGUE ABOUTTHE WAY YOU'RE ARGUING.

"I'M WON'T DEAL WITH YOU

IF YOU'RE GOINGTO BE LIKE THAT."

HERE'S AN EXAMPLEOF HOW WE'RE NEVER RIGHT.

GUYS, YOU'RE WITHYOUR GIRLFRIEND

SHE REMINDS YOU OF SOMETHINGYOU TWO DID YEARS EARLIER

AND YOU DON'T REMEMBER IT.

MAY I SUGGEST, DUCK.

SHE'S SAYS, "HONEY, YOUREMEMBER, YOU REMEMBER THAT?"

"UM, NO."

"YOU, JERK-- GET OUT OF MY SIGHT."

NOW, YOU ASK HER ANDSHE DOESN'T REMEMBER.

"HONEY, REMEMBERTHAT TIME TOGETHER?"

"NO, THAT MUST HAVE BEENSOME OTHER WOMAN YOU WERE WITH."

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