I'm a little off.
You know, I made the mistakebefore came out here tonight
of watching "Lifestylesof the Rich and Famous."
Show always makesme feel pretty good
about my personalachievements in life.
You Now Robin Leach yellssomething like (ROBIN LEACH
IMPRESSION) every morningthe world's richest man
takes a bath in a tub fillof champagne and laughs.
And I'm sitting at home witha bull of cheese doodles
and no elastic in my underwear.
Got a wire hanger comingout of the TV going,
you're not going torelate to that lifestyle.
I shampooed oncewith Meister Brau.
I know what wealth can be.
And the money people waste--they had a guy on that show
last year who bought abottle of wine for $176,000.
I think it would serve himright-- he takes it home,
and his teenage kidsbreak in and drink it.
What happened to my wine?
We made spritzers.
Kids, that bottlewas worth a fortune.
Dad, don't panic,we saved the bottle.
You can still get your deposit.
I like wine.
Some people takewine too seriously.
They get a little topretentious with it, you know.
I was on a wine tasting touronce in northern California--
in Napa, you know,and the woman's
talking about acidification, andoxygenation, and fermentation,
and I'm basically thinking,great, where's the free wine?
Let's talk about my dehydration.
I've had enough ofyour presentation.
Let's get going onmy intoxication.
And then she goes,any questions?
I just wanted aguy from Brooklyn
to be there and cut throughall the crap. (BROOKLYN ACCENT)
Yeah, I got a question.
What wine would you recommendto get the best buzz?
I'm not looking to match itup with a meat or a fish.
I just want to gettotally ripped, capisce?
But, speaking of wine, Iwas in Italy this year--
a wine-producing nation.
And one day whileI was in Italy,
I visited some old Roman ruins.
And for no reasonI could figure out,
these ruins had amaintenance department.
How do you maintain a ruins?
Does the foremancome in at 9 o'clock
and go, fellas,leave it the way is.
Yeah, I'ma take therest of the day off.
But I flew backfrom Europe on one
of these planesthat has a phone.
You know, so now youcan call the ground.
Or, if you're like me, and youget bored on a long flight,
you can go up to first classand make crank calls to coach.
You know, pick someguy in the back
and pretend to be the pilot--the plane is doomed get out.
I forgot how to fly.
There's a parachute above seatnumber, click (DIAL TONE).
Hey, for some real fun, callDomino's and see if they get
that pizza to you inless than half an hour.
My address-- somewhereover the Atlantic.
You got 30 minutes.
You find me.
Called a car phone the otherday for the first time.
Did something I thoughtwas kind of stupid,
considering my friendnever answered.
And I was calling car.
Think about this.
I let the phone ring 11 times.
Did I think perhapsmy friend was
in another part of the vehicle?
He's going to pick upthe phone out of breath.
Sorry, came here from the trunk.
Whew, man, I have gotto get a cordless.
One phone is not enoughfor this Chevette.
But I try to stay healthy.
I was at the dentist the otherday for my annual check up.
I'll tell you my dentist isalways come up with problems
I think he couldfigure out on his own.
This guy works onmy mouth an hour,
with some sharp thingwith a hook on it.
And then he says, kind ofamazed, your gums are bleeding.
Gee, you don'tsuspect a connection
to that spike youstuck in there?
Generally when youpoke flesh with needles
you'll have a little bloodshed.
I don't think weneed the FBI crime
lab to solve thisparticular puzzle.
Then he goes, I got a drill.
You want a shot of Novocaine?
I said, no.
I want a shot of yougetting a diploma.
Listen. you guyshave been great.
with the fact thatI'm 32 years old.
You know why Ifeel good about it?
How many people are, like,in their twenties here?
I grew up in the '70s--OK-- which culturally
and stylistically was the worst.
You know, we had polyesterbell bottoms and everything.
But we could have sexwith anything that moved
and not have to worry about it.
Thank you, God!
I feel good about that.
Birth control was simple too,you know-- condoms, the pill.
That was basically it.
Now you have to deal with--it's like preparing for war
for the youngergeneration today.
Things like contraceptivefoam, for example.
Does anybody knowanything about this stuff?
Oh, only me.
Well, then let me tell you.
Contraceptive foam comesin an aerosol cans.
So you know Americanslove this right away.
This is-- this is like theCheez Whiz of birth control.
Buy two boxes of Wheat Thins,you get a can of this stuff.
Contains an ingredient--the active ingredient
Now, I don't know aboutyou guys, but intrinsically
that word-- spermicide-- doesn'tit sound like if there was
enough of it it couldkill a grown man?
You're at a bar, you see a girl.
Hey, how you doing?You want to have a drink?
She pulls a canout of her purse.
Actually the word spermicidesounds like something
sperms would doas a last resort.
I'm not going out anymore.
I can't take it.
Spermicide hotline,we can help you.
Please stay on the line.
Don't hang up it's1-800-Spermicide.
Holmes-- Young SherlockHolmes, I'm sorry.
I always get thosetwo guys mixed up.
I'm saying tomyself why don't we
have more movies likethat in this country.
I think I figured it out.
We don't have as much literatureto draw on the same way
that the British do.
But Do have some classic piecesof literature of our own.
What I wanted to dowas find a great piece
of American literature,set it to modern day film,
using some of favorite actors.
This is what I came up with.
Here we go.
Martin Scorsese presents"Mean River-- Huckleberry Finn
the motion picture,"starring Robert
De Niro as Huckleberry Finn.
(ROBERT DE NIRO IMPRESSION)You're a very smart man, Tom.
You got all the answers.
You're not givingme the right answer.
Now , I'm goingto ask you again.
Did you touch my wife?
Save it up big, folks.
It's going to getmuch better, OK?
Save your energy.
Sylvester Stallone andArnold Schwarzenegger
as the MississippiRiver fisherman.
(SYLVESTER STALLONEIMPRESSION) Yo, Arnold.
How do you catch a bass?
(ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGERIMPRESSION) I use a very shiny
lure, which thefish cannot resist.
You know, fish isvery good for you.
It's low in body fat, andit is good for your brain.
You should try some, Sly.
And last, but not least,Al Pacino is Tom Sawyer.
(AL PACINO IMPRESSION)I'm dying over here.
We're going to get on a raft.
We're going to godown the river.
And we're not going to go tothat little red schoolhouse
anymore, becauseyou're out of order.
You're out of order!
The whole state ofMissouri's out of order.
My boyfriend brokeup with me recently.
Do you feel bad?
Don't, becausehe's dead now, OK?
And I ran into-- did youever run into an ex-boyfriend
or girlfriend, andyou look at them,
and you thinkyourself was I in a
deranged psychopathic dementia?
Was I in a complete psychoticstate when I was having sex
with this man everynight-- twice on Saturdays?
I don't know.
But-- and then I had-- youknow what-- I had the really
mortifying, humiliatingmoment when I looked at him
and I thought, uck, I talkedbaby talk to this man.
It was so scary.
And then I realized--does this ever happen?
Do you ever, like,run into somebody,
and you forget thewhole relationship?
What's your name?
Has that ever happened to you?
I'm the only one.
So I ran into him,and I realized
I forget the entirerelationship.
And I'm standingthere thinking I
was with this guyfor four years.
I lived with him.
And the only thing that I couldremember about the entire four
years was everynight in bed doing
this-- what are you doing?
It's the only thing that stuck.
The little things that juststay with you, you know?
So my ex-boyfriend-- see, butI know it's confusing to you,
because my ex-boyfriend--you don't know how to behave.
You don't know whetherto be like the animals
that you really are or sensitiveand kind and sweet, which
is like an effort.
Like, he used totry to be sensitive,
but I knew he didn'treally mean it.
So it didn't really work.
I would be in bed withhim, and he would say stuff
to me like, tellme what you want.
I want a milkshake.
What do you think I want.
I'm in bed with you.
And then I knew hedidn't really care,
and I couldn'treally answer him,
because up here I have the mic.
I could say whatever I want.
But in bed I'm naked,and I'm vulnerable.
So he would say stuff like,tell me what you want.
And I would just say stuff like,whatever you're doing is fine.
And meanwhile he'd behumping my shinbone
with a wire-haired terrier.
I'd say can you get into amarginally erogenous zone?
But it wasn't working.
It didn't work out.
So we-- I did-- you know what?
I'm from New York.
I know you're shocked tohear that, but it's true.
And I just-- last-- twoweeks ago I was home.
We did a surprise 65th birthdayparty for my mother, which
was-- my fatherruined the surprise.
Because he's simple.He's a moron.
But that's OK.
But-- he's a man.
But it was interesting,because I'm
watching the peoplein my family.
The women in myfamily are very loud
Jewish women,which is redundant.
But I'm watching how they'rebehaving at this party.
And I was thinking,these are my role models.
They're opening up the gifts.
My mother's openingup the gifts.
And the women-- they're myrelatives-- they're screaming.
They're shouting.They're yelling.
They're opening up the gifts.
They're like (SCREAMS)Give her the receipt!
She can return it!
You know, they're animals.
My Aunt Sylvia sits in theback judging every item.
She's the criticschoice back there.
(NASAL VOICE) Is thatsomething she needs?
Oh, look at thatnecklace-- beautiful,
stunning, yeah, yeah, yeah!
I hate her.
The women-- you know, themen-- the men are no better.
I got stuck sittingnext to my cousin Teddy.
Every year we havethe same conversation.
Every year I get stuck atan affair, or whatever,
sitting next to me.
He says to me (LISPING) youknow, the briskets really
Last year it wasstringy and disgusting,
but this year it's moistand succulent and delicious.
Maybe after supper wecould go to Baskin Robbins,
get an ice cream cone.
They make a heck of a good cone.
There's no parking there,but the cone's terrific.
You know what hedoes for a living?
He sells waxed fruit.
This is the truth.
I'm not lying to you.
And my cousin SherryGoldstein was there.
My cousin Sherry's likethe quintessential JAP.
Do you think I'm a JAP, Steve.
I don't mean a--a Japanese person.
I mean a princess.
You think I'm a princess?
Really, you do?
I'm not a princess.
I'm a queen.
You want me so badly now.
It's-- You're just sittingthere watching me and wanting me
and knowing you couldnever have me, aren't you?
-Yeah, what's your name?
And you with the-- had-lady?
You guys married?
Yeah, how long?
So you know what I wastalking about before.
It's still fabulous?
Get outta here.
Don't lie to me, Michael.
What's the secret?
What does Susan do, likespecial oils or something?
What is it?
What's the secret?
You never see each other?
You see her constantly?
So you work togetherand it's still fabulous?
So you're just, like,nauseatingly merged
in one person.
That's not intimacy.
That's what it is.
They completely regressedinto this infantile state
where it-- no.
It's like my mother and father.
You know every time--my mother and father--
they secretlydespise each other.
Every time my fatherturns his head,
my mother does this to me.
I saw her-- I sawher at her party.
My mother lives for coincidence.
This is the majorthing in her life.
I see her at her party,and she pulls me over.
She says to me, (MOM IMPRESSION)I have a funny story for you.
You could use this in your act.
Wait till you hear this.
Your father and Iwere on the cruise.
So uh-- there's a womansitting at our table--
delightful woman-- and I saidto her, that's a lovely sweater.
And it was-- a lotof detailed work.
So I turned to your father.
I said, Lenny,that's a hand-knit.
So I said to her, excuse me.
Is that a hand knit?
She said, yes.
I said, do I know?
So I said, wheredid you get that.
I might be interestedin knowing.
And she said, I got itat a shop in Cedarhurst.
I said, go on.
She said, yes.
I said, no.
I said, I have friends there.
She said, who?
I'm like, Ma, what's thepoint of the story all ready?
(MOM IMPRESSION)It turns out, she's
Lester Levine's mother's cousin.
Oh my god.
We laughed-- funny, funny.
Ha ha ha!
You could use thatin your act, right?
So I'm using it, and she'shappy, and I got to go folks.