Bolster, DiMaggio, Essman

  • Season 1, Ep 12
  • 05/30/1994

Bolster, DiMaggio, Essman


My boyfriend brokeup with me recently.

Do you feel bad?


Don't, becausehe's dead now, OK?

And I ran into-- did youever run into an ex-boyfriend

or girlfriend, andyou look at them,

and you thinkyourself was I in a

deranged psychopathic dementia?

Was I in a complete psychoticstate when I was having sex

with this man everynight-- twice on Saturdays?

I don't know.

But-- and then I had-- youknow what-- I had the really

mortifying, humiliatingmoment when I looked at him

and I thought, uck, I talkedbaby talk to this man.

It was so scary.

And then I realized--does this ever happen?

Do you ever, like,run into somebody,

and you forget thewhole relationship?

What's your name?


Has that ever happened to you?


I'm the only one.


So I ran into him,and I realized

I forget the entirerelationship.

And I'm standingthere thinking I

was with this guyfor four years.

I lived with him.

And the only thing that I couldremember about the entire four

years was everynight in bed doing

this-- what are you doing?

It's the only thing that stuck.

The little things that juststay with you, you know?

So my ex-boyfriend-- see, butI know it's confusing to you,

because my ex-boyfriend--you don't know how to behave.

You don't know whetherto be like the animals

that you really are or sensitiveand kind and sweet, which

is like an effort.

Like, he used totry to be sensitive,

but I knew he didn'treally mean it.

So it didn't really work.

I would be in bed withhim, and he would say stuff

to me like, tellme what you want.

I want a milkshake.

What do you think I want.

I'm in bed with you.

And then I knew hedidn't really care,

and I couldn'treally answer him,

because up here I have the mic.

I could say whatever I want.

But in bed I'm naked,and I'm vulnerable.

I am.

So he would say stuff like,tell me what you want.

And I would just say stuff like,whatever you're doing is fine.

You know?

And meanwhile he'd behumping my shinbone

with a wire-haired terrier.

I'd say can you get into amarginally erogenous zone?

But it wasn't working.

It didn't work out.

So we-- I did-- you know what?

I'm from New York.

I know you're shocked tohear that, but it's true.

And I just-- last-- twoweeks ago I was home.

We did a surprise 65th birthdayparty for my mother, which

was-- my fatherruined the surprise.

Because he's simple.He's a moron.

But that's OK.

But-- he's a man.

But it was interesting,because I'm

watching the peoplein my family.

The women in myfamily are very loud

Jewish women,which is redundant.

But I'm watching how they'rebehaving at this party.

And I was thinking,these are my role models.

They're opening up the gifts.

My mother's openingup the gifts.

And the women-- they're myrelatives-- they're screaming.

They're shouting.They're yelling.

They're opening up the gifts.

They're like (SCREAMS)Give her the receipt!

She can return it!

You know, they're animals.

My Aunt Sylvia sits in theback judging every item.

She's the criticschoice back there.


(NASAL VOICE) Is thatsomething she needs?

Oh, look at thatnecklace-- beautiful,

stunning, yeah, yeah, yeah!

I hate her.

The women-- you know, themen-- the men are no better.

I got stuck sittingnext to my cousin Teddy.

Every year we havethe same conversation.

Every year I get stuck atan affair, or whatever,

sitting next to me.

He says to me (LISPING) youknow, the briskets really

terrific year.


Last year it wasstringy and disgusting,

but this year it's moistand succulent and delicious.


Maybe after supper wecould go to Baskin Robbins,

get an ice cream cone.

They make a heck of a good cone.


There's no parking there,but the cone's terrific.

You know what hedoes for a living?

He sells waxed fruit.

This is the truth.

I'm not lying to you.

And my cousin SherryGoldstein was there.

My cousin Sherry's likethe quintessential JAP.

Do you think I'm a JAP, Steve.

I don't mean a--a Japanese person.

I mean a princess.

You think I'm a princess?

Really, you do?


I'm not a princess.

I'm a queen.

You want me so badly now.

It's-- You're just sittingthere watching me and wanting me

and knowing you couldnever have me, aren't you?

-Yeah, what's your name?


And you with the-- had-lady?


You guys married?

Yeah, how long?

So you know what I wastalking about before.


It's still fabulous?

Get outta here.

Don't lie to me, Michael.

What's the secret?

What does Susan do, likespecial oils or something?

What is it?

What's the secret?

You never see each other?

You see her constantly?

So you work togetherand it's still fabulous?

So you're just, like,nauseatingly merged

in one person.

That's not intimacy.

It's familiarity.

It's infantilism.

That's what it is.

They completely regressedinto this infantile state

where it-- no.

It's like my mother and father.

You know every time--my mother and father--

they secretlydespise each other.

Every time my fatherturns his head,

my mother does this to me.

I saw her-- I sawher at her party.

My mother lives for coincidence.

This is the majorthing in her life.

I see her at her party,and she pulls me over.

She says to me, (MOM IMPRESSION)I have a funny story for you.

You could use this in your act.

Wait till you hear this.

Your father and Iwere on the cruise.

So uh-- there's a womansitting at our table--

delightful woman-- and I saidto her, that's a lovely sweater.

And it was-- a lotof detailed work.

So I turned to your father.

I said, Lenny,that's a hand-knit.

So I said to her, excuse me.

Is that a hand knit?

She said, yes.

I said, do I know?

So I said, wheredid you get that.

I might be interestedin knowing.

And she said, I got itat a shop in Cedarhurst.

I said, go on.

She said, yes.

I said, no.

I said, I have friends there.

She said, who?

I'm like, Ma, what's thepoint of the story all ready?

(MOM IMPRESSION)It turns out, she's

Lester Levine's mother's cousin.

Oh my god.

We laughed.

We laughed-- funny, funny.

Ha ha ha!

You could use thatin your act, right?

So I'm using it, and she'shappy, and I got to go folks.

Good night.