Extended - Thursday, July 23, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 07/23/2015

Horatio Sanz, Jerry Minor and Matt Besser suggest subway improvements, explain why they #ClearedMyHistoryBecause and read duck demands in this uncensored, extended episode.

Ripped from today's Internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh.

(applause and cheering)Well, guys, I promised you, as

election season started to rampup that we were gonna start

playing this game.

It's time for anotherinstallment of Pander Dome!

(applause and cheering)This is our weekly look at how

politicians are trying, andspectacularly failing, to

connect with you, the youngpeople, via the Internet.

Today's pander comes from RandPaul, the Republican candidate

who's not nuts about the taxcode, but can really rock a

T-shirt tucked into jeans withno belt.

(laughter)In a recent YouTube video, he

disposes of the tax code in avery intense way.

What is it?

A: He wraps it in bacon, andthen Ted Nugent fries it with a

flamethrower?

B: He chainsaws it to a rockin'version of "The Star-Spangled

Banner"?

C: He makes it into diapers foradult baby fetishists?

Please be C.

Please be C.

Matt Besser.

>> Uh, I think it's B, "TheStar-Spangled Banner," 'cause I

know Jimi Hendrix was a hugeRepublican.

(laughter and groaning)>> HARDWICK: If we know

anything, that's for sure.

>> Yeah, yeah.

>> HARDWICK: Uh, let's find out.

(loud whirring)("Star-Spangled Banner" playing)

>> Bitches be trippin', man.

>> HARDWICK: Bitches betrippin'.

Yeah, bitches be trippin'.

(cheering, whooping)Yes, Jerry?

>> Just want to say somethingabout that T-shirt-- is that

code for a white guy in a wrongplace?

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: Well, what does

the T-shirt say?

>> "Detroit Republican."

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: No, that's just:

"He's the one."

He's got to mark himself.

But if I didn't know any better,I'd say this is the trailer for

some sweet new horror movie.

So, comedians, what is the titleof this GOP slasher flick?

Uh, Horatio, let's start withyou.

>> Uh, Kentucky ChainsawMassacre.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah. Points.

(cheering, applause)Mm-hmm.

Jerry?

>> Planet of the Dicks.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah.

(laughter, whooping, applause)Points. Matt?

>> Uh, Let the Right-Winger In.

>> HARDWICK: Yes. Points.

Oh, really good.

(cheering, applause)Really good.

Reference to an amazing movie.

He's got to chainsaw through allthis fuckin' tax code!

He's still doing it!

(laughter)As we speak!

Moving on. James Murphy, themusician who launched LCD

Soundsystem and a millionPitchfork.com boners, has a new

project all about making the NewYork City subways sound a little

more musical-- 'cause, as anyonewho's been trapped next to a

mariachi band knows, music onthe subway is never annoying.

(laughter)>> The turnstile has to make a

sound.

(electronic ping)It might as well be beautiful.

(electronic chiming)(laughter)

(blowing raspberry)>> Chris?

>> HARDWICK: Yes, Matt?

>> The sound of the turnstileisn't the problem with the

turnstile, it's the phlegmthat's covering it.

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: What are you

talking about!

Did you see how much pussy thoseturnstiles were getting?

I got...

(laughter)That did not go over well with

some young woman over in thissection.

(laughter)"Ew..."

Isn't the New York subwaysupposed to be miserable?

I mean, we wouldn't take thesmog out of L.A. or the smug out

of Portland.

But, comedians, now that thisproject is gaining traction, how

else could New York improve itshellish underground transit

system?

Uh, Matt Besser?

>> Uh, the homeless peopleshould have to give you a

handjob while they're jackingoff themselves.

(laughter, applause)Is that true?

>> HARDWICK: Yeah.

Okay, points.

(applause continues)>> You... you see them jacking

off, you get jealous.

Isn't that why we get mad?

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, yeah, that'swhy people get upset-- just

because of that. Jerry.

>> They should turn off thelights and turn it into a

haunted house ride.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, that's a goodidea. Points. Horatio.

>> I think they should Auto-Tunethe subway announcements.

(laughter)(whooping, applause)

>> HARDWICK: That would beamazing.

>> Like, uh... ♪ Next stopIs 42nd Street. ♪

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: Points.

Points for that.

(applause)It sounded weirdly like

country music that you were justdoing. ♪ Waah...

>> Well, I don't have the appattached to my throat like I

usually do.

>> HARDWICK: You don't have the2 Chainz app...

>> Exactly.

It's now time for tonight'sHashtag Wars.

(cheering, whooping)I have to be very honest with

you-- for a show about theInternet, one thing we don't

talk about enough is theimportance of clearing your

browser history, whether you'regoogling the phrase, "How to

poison your boss," or justwatching a YouTube tutorial of

making a fake vagina out of ajar of applesauce...

(laughter)Peanut butter also works.

(laughter)You must leave no trace of your

deviancy, so in honor of thislife-saving tip, tonight's

hashtag is:clearedmyhistorybecause.

Examples might be: I share mycomputer with my mom and we like

different porn, or... I googledilluminati references in One

Direction lyrics.

I'm gonna put 60 seconds on theclock, and begin.

Matt.

>> Had to clear the photos of mymurder victims.

>> HARDWICK: Points. Horatio.

>> It's too difficult andpainful to think about Zane.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

(laughter)Matt.

>> Uh, there's also my murderdiaries 'cause I would stalk

these people before I murderthem, so all those diaries are

in there, too.

>> HARDWICK: Okay, points.

Uh, Jerry.

>> Uh, because trying to buycrack on the Internet is

useless.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, points.

(laughter)Matt.

>> I know it's the theme, but,really, I have a list of the

people I'm gonna murder, too.

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: Points.

>> I had to get rid of all this.

>> HARDWICK: Cut to us in thecourtroom.

(Southern accent): Now, Mr.Hardwick, in your deposition

during your "game show," MattBesser clearly confessed to

murdering several people, andyou awarded him points, sir--

can you explain?

(laughter)Horatio.

>> I erased my history 'cause Idon't want my girlfriend to look

at all the disgusting porn sitesI've been visiting.

(sputtering laugh)(laughter)

>> HARDWICK: Like, which ones?

>> Uh, well... one features aMexican lady-- it's called

Beavers Noches.

(laughter)(whooping, applause)

Points.

Points.

Matt.

>> Actually, I'd like you totake... I wish we could edit

out... I wish I hadn't admittedI murdered all those people.

It's not worth the points, Ifeel now.

>> HARDWICK: If I give you ahundred more points, would you

be okay with it?

>> Yeah.

>> HARDWICK: A hundred points,all right?

But now it's time to play Timeof Your Life.

(cheering)Time of Your Life.

(whooping)You know, uh, our show just came

back from a nicetwo-and-a-half-week break, which

made me realize how important itis to get some R&R, so we took

the liberty of Photoshopping youbusy showbiz types into some

vacation photos we found online.

We know you've not seen thesebefore, but why don't you

pretend you've got us allcornered at your house and for

250 points, tell us what wasgoing on in these incredible

vacation photos that were taken.

Matt, let's start with you.

Matt, what's going on there?

(laughter)>> Uh, this is the "world's

largest watermelon as comparedto your penis" contest.

(laughter)And, uh...

this one tied with my penis.

>> HARDWICK: What?!

Now, are you...

It kind of looks like you're...

Are you doing a glory melon?

What are you doing?

Are you a melon baller?

>> When a melon... when a melongets hard, it stands up like

that.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points,I'll give you points for that.

Uh, next one, next one.

Matt, where'd you go next?

>> Uh, yes.

My s... my second family.

I always visit them on vacation.

Where I get to play with my gunsand my khakis.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah...

Horatio... Horatio, I know howmuch you love to go on a

vacation.

>> Oh, love it.

>> HARDWICK: It's the best,isn't it?

>> I need it.

>> HARDWICK: So let's... let'sstart off your vacation.

First you did this.

>> Oh, yeah.

>> HARDWICK: This...

What... What can you tell usabout this part of your

vacation?

>> I-I... Well, this is a nicebed and breakfast in Martha's

Vineyard.

Uh... it's called, uh, Fuck DollParty.

And we... I mean, it's not...

it's not just about having sexwith a plastic thing, it's also

teaching 'em how to cook and howto...

Yeah.

>> HARDWICK: Points for that.

Uh, and then, finally, you endedyour vacation here.

What-what happened?

>> Oh, that's when I wasvisiting Ferguson.

>> HARDWICK: Okay, all right.

Points, points, all right.

>> Looks like you're a fuck dollin that guy's vacation.

>> HARDWICK: All right.

Finally, Jerry, I know you alsotook a vacation, so, uh,

let-let's see where you started.

You started...

Wait, I'm sorry, let me revisethat.

Jerry, sweet tits.

Uh, but from here, your vacationtook you to... this place.

What... Tell us about this one.

>> Well, obviously, I'm the sun.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah.

All right.

>> Um, heating up the world,man, causing things to grow,

man, uh...

>> HARDWICK: Yeah.

>> You know, causing children tobe happy.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah.

>> Putting sunlight upon theirfaces.

>> Tidal waves.

>> HARDWICK: Don't troll him,Matt.

>> That's the moon, that's themoon, my friend, that is the

moon.

>> HARDWICK: Points to Jerry.

Gay Porn or Reborn?

Now, we watch a lot of Internetvideos here, and, uh, we've

noticed something interesting.

Religious films have a lot incommon with gay porn.

Both feature low-rent productionvalues and amateurish but

enthusiastic acting byfresh-faced, well-groomed dudes.

We're gonna show you a stillfrom an Internet video and for

250 points you're gonna have toguess if this fella is in gay

porn or if he's reborn.

I'm telling you, it's reallyfucking hard to tell them apart.

First one... Yeah, Matt?

>> Chris, Chris, I masturbate toboth, so...

it's gonna be difficult for me.

>> HARDWICK: All right, firstone-- how about this cowpoke.

Gay porn or reborn?

>> Looks like me.

(bell dings)>> HARDWICK: Horatio.

>> I'm gonna say gay porn.

>> HARDWICK: Let's find out.

>> Well, I think we need to sealthis deal.

I may let you fuck me over, butit's gonna be on my terms and

using my ass.

>> HARDWICK: Wait, I-I'mactually still not sure.

>> Yeah, yeah.

>> HARDWICK: But I think I'llgive you points for it anyway,

it seems...

>> I love that-- "On my terms!">> HARDWICK: On my terms!

>> My terms!

>> HARDWICK: This is like...

Yeah, this is a negotiation thatturned into a butt fucking.

All right, next one.

How about this other cowpoke--gay porn or reborn?

(bell dings)Yes, Jerry.

>> I'm gonna say reborn.

>> HARDWICK: Let's find out.

>> ♪ We can know what God willdo, what he says in his word

♪ He will do for you.

In the mighty name of Jesus,We have the victory. ♪

>> HARDWICK: All right.

Get out of here, you don't teachthis class.

What are you doing in here?

Don't you know you're notsupposed to come within 500

yards of these children?

Next one, what about these bros?

What about these bros-- gay pornor reborn?

Oh, yes, Matt.

>> Gay porn Christian movie.

>> HARDWICK: Matt, that's both--you have to pick one or the

other.

>> (grunts)Gay porn!

>> HARDWICK: All right, Matt'srolling the gay dice, let's find

out.

>> We talked to him for about ahalf hour or so.

And he, that day, he acceptedChrist.

>> He accepted Christ into mybutthole!

>> HARDWICK: No.

>> No?

>> HARDWICK: I don't know ifthat's...

>> That's him, Mama.

>> HARDWICK: Uh, next one-- howabout...

Oh...

>> Oh, muscle shirts!

>> HARDWICK: What about thesefun friends?

Yes, Jerry.

>> Um... gay porn.

>> HARDWICK: Let's find out.

>> You know, I don't see anygirls here.

>> Hello.

>> He's naked.

>> I can see his dick.

>> Yes, that's what naked means.

>> HARDWICK: How funny would itbe...

if we took this away and he justhad a giant, rectangular-shaped

dick?

I guess I'll have to watch thatlater, just to make sure.

Uh, next one...

>> When he said, "No girlshere", I figured it was the

Vatican.

Am I right, folks, am I right?

>> HARDWICK: All right, nextone-- this silver fox.

Gay porn or reborn?

(bell dings)Yes, Horatio.

>> I want it to be gay porn.

>> HARDWICK: Well, let's findout.

>> ♪ You can winIf you never do the filthy sins

of flesh♪ Just don't sin

Think of Mary and her baby inthe crèche. ♪

>> Crèche?

What's a crèche?

>> HARDWICK: I-I don't...

>> Got to rhyme, man.

>> HARDWICK: I mean, I went tocollege, I know a lot of words,

I don't know "crèche".

>> I think that's your buttcrack.

>> HARDWICK: I don't think it'syour butt crack.

I don't think... I don't thinkhe's wants us to think of Mary

and Jesus in your butt crack.

>> 'Cause... 'cause "crotch" isthe front and "crèche" is the

back.

>> HARDWICK: "Crèche" is theback.

No, maybe-maybe "crèche" is,like... Wait.

Hang on.

"Crèche" could be the Biblicalword for "taint", where it's

that "it's not crotch, it's notass, it's crèche."

I just... I just want someannoyed alligator to just eat...

"Keep it down!

We're being alligators overhere!"

Why are you coming out in themiddle of the fucking swamp to

play the keyboard?

Why would... why would you...

why would you go out there toplay the keyboard?

>> Where'd he plug in at?

>> HARDWICK: I don't know wherehe's plugged in!

None of this...

He's just a sad man in a swampjust playing until the batteries

run out on that Casio.

Pay the Bills.

This image was trending on Imgurtoday, demonstrating the sheer

brutality of what happens whenman comes face-to-face with

nature.

Oh, shit, it looks like youducked with the wrong Animalia.

The author captioned it, "Ishouldn't have fed that one duck

yesterday."

And these ducks look like theymean business.

So, comedians, I would like youto come up with as many duck

demands as you can.

I'm gonna put 60 seconds on theclock.

And begin.

(bell dings)Horatio.

>> Those ducks are quackaddicts.

>> HARDWICK (chuckling): Oh!

Goddamn it!

Ugh, points!

(bell dings)Matt.

>> Why is Donald the only Disneycharacter with a speech

impediment?

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

(bell dings)Matt.

>> Down with down pillows, upwith human hair pillows.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Finally, someone's brave enoughto say it.

Points. Jerry.

>> Quack, quack, let us fuckyour wife.

>> HARDWICK: Okay, I got tocharge you for that, but I guess

I can just put it on your bill.

(groaning)>> Whoa!

>> Oh!

>> HARDWICK: I see everything isin order here!

(bell dings)Horatio.

>> Please quit dropping deadprostitutes in the lagoon.

(buzzer sounds)Or we'll shit in your eyes and

mouth.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

That was amazing.