Ron Funches knows that he writes pretty awesome poetry, Mark Forward sings while awaiting an important text, and Dan Soder doesn't approve of his friends breeding.
ladies and gentlemen.
And also welcome,children at home
who probably shouldn'tbe watching this.
Especiallywelcome to you.
You know, wasting your childhoodyears watching Comedy Central
is a formativeexperience.
Say hello to the childrenat home...
...who are listeningto it quietly
in case their parentshear the word [BLEEP].
And they won't have evenheard that.
They'll have just hearda bleep.
Underneath that bleep,I said the word [BLEEP].
We have three magnificentcomedians for you tonight.
Before we start,I, last year,
took a stepinto the future,
and it felt terrible.
I joined Twitterfor the first time, and...
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]Really? Really?
Or should your response bethe opposite of that?
Because it felt likean overwhelming defeat.
And when I was about to sendmy first tweet,
I was thinking to myself,Why have I been so reluctant
to engage in this?
Why have I feltso repelled by it?
You know, people seemto enjoy it.
It's done someamazing things
all over the world.
Why have I notliked this?
And within seconds,
actual seconds of sendingmy first tweet,
I received a message backthat simply read,
"You're terrible.Go eat a bag of dicks."
And it was the speedof the response that shocked me.
Not the content, that wasbasically what I was expecting.
It was the speed.
Because it hit methat human fingers
could not have typedthat message out
in the speedin which it got to me.
Which meant that some guybeen sitting over his computer
for six years,
since the inventionof Twitter, going,
He's going to join.
He's going to feel likehe has to join.
And when he does,I shall be here first.
And he shall knowhow I feel.
There he is. Boom!No, that was Jamie Oliver.
Sorry, Jamie.That was friendly fire.
That was nota recipe suggestion.
a little bit.
I don't know if you could tellby that giggle.
But it has so many uses.
When I have something,I write pretty awesome jokes.
When I run out,
I write pretty awesomepoetry.
I'd like to share one.
"I don't needno new friends!"
That one's called Just My Thoughts.
My son is 10,which is wonderful.
He has autism,
which can be difficult.
He's also a huge [BLEEP].
Some people don't like it
when I call my 10-year-olddisabled child an [BLEEP].
To which I always respond,
If you only use 30 words,
and your three favorite
are "more, pancakes, beyotch..."
Actually,that's pretty cool.
I didn't know how to describeraising a child with autism
till I went to a festivalrecently.
Then it became clear.
To me, taking care of this childis like taking care
of your very best friend
after they've doneway too many 'shrooms...
while you yourself
are on a moderate amountof 'shrooms.
I'm not confident aboutall the decisions I'm making.
But I know you should notbe eating a mouse pad right now.
Oh, hello, everybody.
How are you guys?
Let you know,in case you were wondering,
I do not have children.
Aww. I don't trust them.
They have sticky handsand they're full of lies.
You call it imagination.I call it bull[BLEEP].
That's what I call it.
I just don't--I don't trust them.
The main reasonI don't trust them, actually,
is just becausetheir parents are my friends,
and they shouldn'tbe breeding.
And ultimately that'sthe generat--
Like, this new version,the 2013 model?
No, thank you.
Because thisis the generation
that's going to haveto defend us against China.
Do you feel safe?
Feel safe knowing that?
We're going to havea whole army that's like,
"I would storm the beach,but I have a shellfish allergy."
Feel comfortableknowing that?
In 20 years, an entire militarythat can get wiped out
with a bag of gluten.
It's not going to beatsuper power China.
They do calisthenicsevery morning.
I don't know. I just feel likewe're treating them soft.
We're-- We're--We're treating them too soft.
Like, I went to my cousin'sson's soccer game a month ago,
and I was therefor a half-hour.
Finally askedone of the parents.
I go, "Hey, excuse me,uh, what's the score?"
And she looked up from heriPhone all proud of herself.
She was like,"Um, we stopped doing that."
You stopped doing what?
We stopped keeping score.
It's bad for theirconfidence.
[BLEEP] you, lady.
I got money on this game.
You think I just showed upto a park on a Saturday for fun?
I put 300on that orange team.
I got some dangerous peoplelooking for me,
and I need to makesome money.
Thanks a lot.I'm really good.
Um, no I am.
I'm one of the best, so...
Um, a lot of the other peopletonight were telling jokes.
And, uh,that's one way to go.
Um, I've had a prettyrough day.
Um, I've been waitingon some test results.
I'm supposed to get themtexted to me.
They're not for me.They're for my grandmother.
So, um,instead of doing jokes,
um, I'm just going to doa half-hour
of me and my grandmother'sfavorite songs.
And if you guys couldgrow the [BLEEP] up
and stop laughing,that'd be great.
[SINGING]If I lay beside you
If I was inside you
What wouldthe people...?
I got a text.
It's the results.
Oh, thank God.
She's not my grandmother.
That song has been so awkwardfor so long.