Make-A-Wish & Fisticuff

  • Season 1, Ep 11
  • 04/02/2003

Dave sees people's inner thoughts and freaks out when a little kid beats him at video games.

OH, GOOD,YOU'RE AWAKE.

YEAH.

I HAVE A SURPRISEFOR YOU, SWEETIE.

MORE APPLESAUCE ?

NO, THIS IS A GOOD ONE.

YOU KNOW HOW YOUR FAVORITEMOVIE IS HALF BAKED ?

WHAT IF I TOLD YOUDAVE CHAPPELLE IS HERE ?

REALLY ?WHERE, MOMMY ?

COME ON IN, DAVE.

( whispering )HE'S RIGHT HERE.

HEY, YOUR MOM TOLD MEYOU WERE SICK,

SO I FIGURED I'DCOME BY AND PAY YOU A VISIT.

I'LL LEAVEYOU TWO ALONE.

OKAY, THANKS.

SO WHAT YOU GOT HERE,SOME PLAYSTATION ?

STREET HOOPS, WANNA PLAY ?

I'M WARNING YOU, THOUGH,I'M PRETTY GOOD.

I DON'T KNOWIF I CAN TAKE

LOSING TO A LITTLEGUY LIKE YOU.

COME ON,IT'S JUST A GAME.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON,LET'S PLAY.

REALLY ?YEAH, LET'S GO.

ALL RIGHT, I'M PLAYER ONE,YOU'RE PLAYER TWO.

OKAY, I THINK I'VEDONE THIS BEFORE.

OH... AH, 1-0, 1-0.

THAT'S TWO,THAT'S ME.

TWO UP...NOT FOR LONG.

OH... OKAY.

COME ON, BILLY.

DAMN !

HOORAY FOR ME !

( angrily )"HOORAY FOR ME."

ALL RIGHT, FINE,YOU LITTLE BITCH.

YOU AIN'T SCORIN'NO MORE, THOUGH.

COME ON, BALL UP.

GONNA STEAL IT,COMIN' DOWN.

BILLY, LOOK AT MY GAME,IT MUST HURT.

OH, OH, IN YOUR FACE !

BILLY, I'M SORRY, MAN,I'M SORRY, DUDE.

IT WAS GOOD, THOUGH.

IT'S ALL ME, BABY,HERE IT COME.

A-GA-GA-GA-GA-GA,HOORAY FOR ME !

HOORAY FOR ME,BILLY, IN YOUR FACE !

CHILDREN IS OUR FUTURE,MY ASS !

I'M THE FUTURE,I'M THE FUTURE.

OH, AH, OH !

YOU CAN'T DENY ME, BILLY !

YOU CAN'T DENY ME,IT'S TOO REAL FOR YOU !

WHAT'D I SAY, YOU WEREN'TGONNA SCORE NO MORE.

TELL YOUR LITTLE FRIENDSTHAT DREAMS DO COME TRUE.

DAVE CHAPPELLE CAMEAND SAW YOU IN THE HOSPITAL

AND WHUPPED YOUR MONKEY ASSIN SOME STREET HOOPS.

YOU THINK IT'SMY FIRST TIME ?

I GOT PLAYSTATION,I'M RICH.

I'M RICH, BITCH.

UNH, HERE IT COME,WAIT... OH !

I DON'T WANNA PLAYANYMORE.

YOU PICK THEM LITTLESTICKS UP, WHITE BOY,

AND GET TO THE GAME.

I HAVE AN AGENDA ANDIT GOES LIKE THIS... OH !

DAVE, I DON'T FEEL GOOD.

COULD YOU CALLTHE NURSE FOR ME ?

YEAH, YEAH,ARE YOU ALL RIGHT ?

HOLD-- HOLD ON.

NURSE, COULD YOU COME IN HERE,PLEASE, QUICKLY ?

BILLY IS GETTING HIS ASSWHUPPED ON STREET HOOPS,

I NEED A WITNESS.

UNH-- OH, DAH !

IT'S SO GOOD--

( monitor flatlining )

BILLY ?

BILLY ?

OH, MY GOD, BILLY.

NURSE !

BILLY, DON'T YOU DIE ON ME,DON'T YOU DIE ON ME !

CLEAR !

( steady beeping on monitor )

BILLY ?

BILLY ?

YOU ALL RIGHT, MAN ?

HUH, YOU OKAY,YOU ALL RIGHT ?

( groaning )

HERE, GRAB YOUR STICKS,COME ON, LET'S GO.

LET'S GO, I'M WHUPPIN'THAT ASS NOW, ALMOST DONE.

I'M ALMOST DONE.

A-GA-GA-GA-GA-GA,IN YOUR FACE !

OH, BILLY, I SHOULDALEFT YOU DEAD, BABY,

'CAUSE THAT, THAT WAS A KILLER.

DAVE, CAN'T YOU SEEI'M DYING OF CANCER ?

LOOK, BILLY...

I'M SORRY, MAN.

LOOK, I-I WASN'T TRYING TOMAKE YOU FEEL BAD,

I JUST-- I'M JUST TRYINGTO TEACH YOU A LESSON.

YOU CAN BEAT CANCERBUT IF YOU WANNA BEAT IT,

YOU GOTTA BE TOUGH, OKAY ?

AND I SEE IT IN YOU, BILLY,YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT.

REALLY ?

HELL NO, NIGGER,YOU PLAY LIKE A BITCH !

HOLD UP... GAME !

IN YOUR FACE,IN YOUR FACE, BILLY !

FEEL BETTER.

HALF BAKED SUCKED,ANYWAY.

ALL THE BIG DOGS KNOW

THAT MY MAN FISTICUFFRULES THE STREETS.

AND IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD THATJOINT, "TURN MY HEADPHONES UP",

YOU NEED TO GET WITH IT,ACT LIKE YOU WANT IT.

WATCH OUT FOR YOUR MIND,ALL THIS IS HOT.

WHAT !

UNH !

TURN MY HEADPHONES UP !

I'M SERIOUS, NIGGER,TURN THEM SHITS UP !

TURN 'EM UP !

HOLD UP...

I'M SERIOUS, NIGGER,I CAN'T HEAR OUTTA THIS EAR,

TURN MY HEADPHONES UP.

I STABBEDA BROTHER IN THE NECK

WITH A BUTTER KNIFEFOR FISTICUFF.

JUST 'CAUSE.

IT AIN'T GOIN' PLATINUM,IT'S GOIN' DOUBLE URANIUM, SON.

URANIUM, YA HEARD ?

WE POPPIN' BOTTLES,STABBIN' PEOPLE, KILLIN' PEOPLE.

UNH, YEAH--

HOLD UP, NIGGER, I CAN'T HEAROUT OF MY LEFT HEADPHONE.

THIS ONE, NIGGER,THIS IS MY LEFT, TURN IT UP !

WHY YOU DROPTHE BEAT OUT, MAN ?

A'IGHT, HERE I GO.

YOU READY TOROCK IT ?

YOU READY TO SEE HOWWE DO ON THE STREETS ?

ALL RIGHT,MAKE THAT BEAT DROP.

NIGGER, I SAID DROP,NOT DRUMROLL.

THE GHETTO,IT'S UNDERSTOOD WHAT THIS IS,

HOLLA AT YA BOY !

I'M SAYIN', NIGGER,YOU CAN'T JUST PUT VELVET

IN THE SHIT AND THINKTHEY NICE HEADPHONES !

WHERE'S MY SNARES ?

WHERE'S MY SNARES ?ONE, TWO, ONE, TWO.

I'MA DROP IT LIKE THIS,

I'MA DROP IT LIKE THIS,HOLD UP, Y'ALL.

I'MA DROP IT LIKE THIS,I'MA DROP IT LIKE THIS.

UNH-- HOLD IT.

TURN MY LEFT HEADPHONEUP A LITTLE MORE.

( man )IF YOU DON'T KNOWABOUT FISTICUFFS BY NOW,

SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH YOU.

HE'S GOT THE ILLESTJOINT OUT RIGHT NOW.

HE'S CRAZY WITH IT,"TURN MY HEADPHONES UP."

NIGGER, I'M SERIOUS, I CAN'THEAR OUT OF MY LEFT HEADPHONE.

TURN THAT SHIT UP !

OKAY, NOW, LET THAT BEATRIDE LIKE THAT.

THAT'S RIGHT, HERE I COME.

I'M GETTIN' READY TO DROP IT,Y'ALL READY ?

OH, NIGGER,JUST DROPPED THE BEAT OUT.

OH, HERE WE GO,HERE'S THE REAL DEAL.

UNH... UNH !

PUMP UP THAT BASS,PUMP UP THAT BASS !

PUMP IT UP, UNH !

FROM THE--WHAT HAPPENED ?

OH... WELL, IS THE BEATGONNA STOP ?

HIS LYRICS ARE SO TIGHT,THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TO RHYME.

AND THE WORD ON THE STREETIS LATE NIGHT,

ONE NIGHT IN THE GHETTO,

MY MAN GOT SHOT IN HIS EARLIKE, EIGHT TIMES.

WHAT ?

NIGGER, I CAN'T HEAR,TURN UP MY HEADPHONES !

TURN 'EM UP,TURN THEM SHITS UP !

PUT SOME TREBLE IN IT.

PUT SOME TREBLE IN IT,THAT'S MY WORD.

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO--

HOLD UP, NIGGER,I NEED SOME WATER.

MY THROAT'S DRY.

WELL, HOW THE FUCKDO YOU EXPECT ME TO RHYME

IF I CAN'T TALK, NIGGER ?I'M THIRSTY.

WHAT IS THIS,JAIL, MOTHERFUCKER ?

COP THE ALBUM THAT YOU NEED,"TURN MY HEADPHONES UP",

IT'S ON"HEADPHONE RECORDS", BABY.

THERE'S A LOT OF HEATRIGHT HERE.

TURN 'EM UP.

TURN THEM SHITS UP.

NOT FOR REAL, NIGGER,I'M SAYIN' ON THE PAPER,

I'M WRITIN' !

YO, FISTICUFF, IF YOU NEEDSOME NEW ARTISTES, WE DOWN.

I'M KILLIN' PEOPLE,WE DRINKIN' MALT,

WE BANGIN' CHICKSWITH NO RUBBERS.

LEFT MY BLING-BLING AT HOME.WE KEEPIN' IT GANGSTA.

FISTICUFFS !

YOU HEARD, WHAT ?

YOU HEARD ?!

WHAT ?

WHAT ?!

( man )GO GET THE BIGGEST ALBUMOF THE YEAR, BABY !

GOOD AFTERNOON, YOUNG MAN,CAN I HELP YOU ?

YEAH, I WAS TRYING TOBUY A GREMLIN ?

EH ?

HA HA, I'M JUSTPLAYIN' WITH YOU.

ACTUALLY, I'M ANSWERINGYOUR AD IN THE PAPER.

AH, YES, THE CA-ME-RA.THE CA-ME-RA.

AH, HERE IT IS.

HOW MUCH DIDI SAY IT WAS ?

WELL, YOUR AD SAYS $300.

AH, FOR YOU,I GIVE IT TO YOU FOR 100.

WHY, WHAT'SWRONG WITH IT ?

IT HAS SPECIAL POWERS.

IT WILL SHOW YOU THINGSSOME WOULD PAY NOT TO SEE.

OH, SNAP,IT GETS COMIC VIEW ?

IT WILL REVEAL THE INNERHEARTS OF MANKIND.

IF YOU PRESSTHIS BUTTON,

IT WILL REVEALTHEIR TRUE SELF.

IF YOU FLIP THAT SWITCH,

IT WILL RECORD THEIRINNERMOST THOUGHTS.

FLIP IT ONE MORE TIME,

AND YOU CAN SEE THE LASTPERSON THEY HAD SEX WITH.

AND WITH THIS LAST SWITCH,

IT WILL SHOW YOU WHERETHEY WILL BE IN 10 YEARS.

DAMN, MAN, SONY AIN'T PLAYIN',LET ME SEE THAT.

NO !

YOU MUST BUY IT AS ISAND ONCE YOU PURCHASE IT,

YOU MAY NEVER RETURNTO THIS STORE AGAIN.

HOLD ON, LET ME JUST THINK ABOUTTHAT FOR A SECOND, PLEASE.

WHAT KIND OF POLICYIS THIS ?

I CAN'T COME BACK IN ?

FINE, YOU CAN'T COME OUTSIDE'CAUSE IF IT DON'T WORK,

I'MA BE OUT THEREAND WHUP YOUR MONKEY ASS.

KICK MY ASS, HUH ?

CAMERA WORKS, $100.

100.

CAN I GET A RECEIPT ?

I'M JUST PLAYIN'--ALL RIGHT, MAN.

THANK YOU, GOOD LUCK.

GOOD LUCK ?

HEY !HEY, WHAT'S UP,DAVE ?

ALL RIGHT, DUDE,WHAT'S UP, MAN ?

MAN, I'M JUST MESSIN'WITH THIS CAMERA.

YOU MIND IF I, UH ?

NAH.

ALL RIGHT, COOL, MAN.

WHAT UP, CARSON DALY ?

WHAT'S UP, DAVE ?

( loud cheers & applause )

HEY, FOLKS, WE'RE ON IN 2013. T-R-L, CARSON DALY.

WILL YOU LITTLE FUCKERSSHUT UP ?!

HOW EXCITEDCAN YOU REALLY BE

FOR A VIDEO YOU'VE SEEN58 TIMES IN A ROW ?

FUCK !

ALL RIGHT ?YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, MAN,GOOD TO SEE YA.

ALL RIGHT, YOU TOO,MAN, TAKE CARE.

HEY, HEY,SAVE YOUR MONEY, DUDE.

ALL RIGHT.

MAN, I LOOK LIKETHAT 7-UP GUY.

THEM WHITE GIRLSGONNA COME FLOCKIN'.

DAMN !

I'VE BEEN WAITING OUT HEREFOR 45 MINUTES.

OH, I KNEW I SHOULD HAVEBROUGHT A PRETTIER FRIEND.

GOD, GET SURGERY, BITCH,YOU'RE SO UGLY.

WHOA, I THINK THIS ECSTASY'SSTARTING TO KICK IN.

AM I FREAKING OUT ?

NO... YEAH.

MAN, THIS BITCH NEXTTO ME NEEDS SURGERY.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME,BIG MAN ?

OH, UH...

I SAID, WHAT'S YOUR NAME,BIG MAN ?

UH, DAVE CHAPPELLE, I'M HEREFOR ANN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.

ALSO, I HAVE A SHOWON COMEDY CENTRAL,

WEDNESDAYS, 10:30.

( party music )

( man )YO, DAVE,

WHAT'S UP, MAN ?HEY, HEY.

THANKS FOR COMING TOMY GIRL'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.

AND YOU BROUGHT YOUR CAMERA,THAT'S PERFECT !

I WANT YOU TO TAPESOMETHING, ALL RIGHT ?

YEAH.

EXCUSE ME, EVERYBODY.EXCUSE ME, EVERYBODY.

IF I COULD HAVEYOUR ATTENTION.

ANN, I HAVE LOVED YOU FROMTHE MOMENT THAT I MET YOU.

BABY, WILL YOUMARRY ME ?

YES !

OH, PUMPKIN !

DAVE, I WANT YOU TOMEET MY CO-WORKER, MIKE.

YO, WHAT'S UP, SON--

YO, YOU A FUNNY DUDE, MAN,YOU FUNNY.

LOOK, I'M GONNABE RIGHT BACK.

I'M GOING TOTHE DANCE FLOOR.

LET'S DANCE.

( Mike )DON'T YOU WANT ME, SON ?

( white man )AND ONE AND TWO,AND ONE AND TWO.

RESUME, LOOK COOL,

AND MAKE MY FACELOOK NA-TUR-AL.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, Y'ALL ?

I'M GONNA JUST--I'M GONNA GET SOME REST.

GOOD NIGHT.

CONGRATULATIONS, UH...CHARLIE'S GIRLFRIEND.

MAN, I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULDMESS WITH THIS CAMERA THING.

I SHOULD JUSTTURN THIS THING OFF

AND MASTURBATE ON THE INTERNETLIKE I PLANNED TO.

NO, NO, FUCK IT,I'MA GO THROUGH WITH THIS.

I GOTTA BE A MAN, I'MA GOTHROUGH WITH THIS.

HEY, HEY...HEY, MAN.

WOULD YOU LIKESOME MORE PICKLES ?

I GOTTA STOP DRINKING.

OH !

HOW EXCITEDCAN YOU REALLY BE

FOR A VIDEO YOU'VE SEEN58 TIMES IN A ROW ?

FUCK !

WHAT DO YOU WANT ?

I JUST WANT TO MAKEA TOTAL REQUEST LIVE

FROM MY MAN,JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE.

JUSTIN, IT'S ME,DAVE CHAPPELLE.

STAR SEARCH, 1992, I WAS WITH YOU, MAN,

I WAS WITH YOU.

"CHAMPION DAVE CHAPPELLERECEIVES 3 1/4 STARS"

REMEMBER THAT, ED McMAHON ?

GOD REST HIS SOUL,I'M OUT.

OH... OHH !

FUCK THIS CAMERA !

( glass shattering )

OH, OH...

OH, A CAMERA,OOH-WHEE !

WHAT THESE BUTTONS DO ?

I WANT SOME CRACK.

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