Cohen, Dombrowski, Agna

  • Season 2, Ep 0209
  • 05/24/1993

Thank-- that is so unexpected.

Well, Thank-- Thank you,thank you for coming out.

Welcome to "Two DrinkMinimum," the show where

everyone has to have two drinks.

And I usually like to havemine early in the day,

maybe just pour a coupleof shots of bourbon right

on my corn flakes, you know, trythem again for the first time.

So-- but let me just check.

Has everybody had their drinks.

[cheering]

I see, the nicething about the band,

you don't reallyhave to check them.

They police themselves on that.

They were wearingthe Viking hats.

I used to be a Viking.

A lot of people don't know that.

And it was a pillaging injury.

I blew up my knee.

But anyway-- let's checkwith Harvey, our producer.

Harvey, have you-- haveyou had your drinks?

HARVEY: Jake, is that you?

-Yes, it's me.

Have you had yourdrinks, Harvey?

HARVEY: Oh, yeah, Jake.

We're rocking up here.

We're ready to go.

We're-- T minus 10 and counting.

-That's Harvey the producer.

He's-- he's-- he takes theminimum part pretty seriously,

actually.

In fact, there is no maximum.

I repeat, there isno maximum, Harvey.

Anyway, my favorite baris back in a Los Angeles.

I've never been there,but I drive by it

all the time on theway to the airport.

It's like a cinderblock building,

you know those places.

And then there's a bigsign out front that says,

Nude Plus Liquor.

I just like the name,Nude Plus Liquor.

You know, I want to godown there some-- Actually,

I'm dying to callthem up on the phone

just so I can hear themanswer, "Nude Plus Liquor."

You know, you wonder--you wonder exactly what

the regulars would belike at that place.

Somewhere there's a guy who'stelling his wife on the way

out the door, "Honey,if the boss calls,

I'll be down at theNude Plus Liquor."

Kind of like to go totheir softball games.

I-- you wonder-- I wonder, it'dbe different to be a regular

at that place than it would beto be at Cheers or something

like that. (SINGING) Youwant to go where people know.

Troubles are all the same.

You want to go where nobodyknows your real name at the--

Oh, thank you!

He's my favorite.

Jake Lamada, give him a hand.

He is tremendous.

Oh my god.

I'm doing acid!

Nice to be here.

Thank you. [hebrew]

AUDIENCE: Hey!

-Jews.

All right, good.

All right.

[laughter]

-Woo, woo, woo.

It's my little Jewdetector, and these people

set it off right here.

The Jews in the hood, givethem a hand, everyone.

[laughter]

Give them a hand.

Oh, oh, little Israel.

I am Jewish, but I don'treally follow the religion.

Last time I was intemple I was 13.

I made my two grand.

I got out of the business.

My mother tries tofigure out if people are

Jewish by theirlast name, you know.

She calls me up on the phone,"Mark, the last name Paul,

that could be a Jewish name."

I'm like, "Mom, it's Pope John."

All right.

I don't the guy's a Jew.

Hoo hoo.

Nice to be here.

Oh, I wish I could believe that.

All right, quick impersonation.

It's a quick impersonation.

This is Mohammad-- MohammadSalameh, the man allegedly,

that allegedly bombedthe World Trade Center.

All right, thank you.

I had to do it, Hank.

Allegedly.

He allegedly.

and I've been talkingabout my parents.

I just broke upwith my girlfriend,

and my father really helpedme through the break up.

He said, will youforget about this girl?

She's no good in bed anyway.

So you know.

You move on-- Now, what doesthat mean, good and bad?

If somebody's in yourbed, that's good.

You know?

Now you get older-- how manypeople, when you get invited

to weddings, you go-- yourhand back those RSVP things?

You do?

See, I never usedto fill them out,

so I always usedto end up sitting

at the little kids' table.

You know?

So this time I gotinvited to a wedding,

and I was trying tofigure-- figure it out.

And it said number of guests.

So I took a guess, 150.

Does that make--

I'm a very goodlover, right, sir?

Yeah, thank you very much.

I always use condoms.

Actually, I use six orseven to simulate with.

It gives me that-- it gives methat extra girth that I-- What

do you use for protection,sir, that shirt?

[laughs] Post.

Actually, I went tothe condom-- there's

a condom store in New York City.

Did you know that, sir?

The young Kennedy-lookingkind of guy right there.

You look like a JewishKennedy over here.

I don't know whatthe hell that means.

But drinks manischewitzand drives off a cliff.

This is-- hey, it's anad lib, all right, folks?

Lower your expectations,you might enjoy

the show a littlemore, all right?

Actually, I used tobe a buffet waiter.

Isn't that a greatjob, buffet waiter?

Hi, folks, I'm Mark.

I'll be your buffet waiter.

Anything you need, justget up and get it yourself.

I'll be off in the corner.

New Yorkers?

[applause]

-Oh, oh, oh!

Thank you.

This city-- it's a great city,but it's such a violent city,

I mean, a gross city.

You know, it's so gross I wentto use a pay phone tonight.

I pick up the pay phone.

I put it up to my ear,there's like jelly on it.

It's like-- well, no,that's what it tasted like.

I'm not exactlysure what it was.

I didn't go through each phone.

And I went shopping today.

I bought a real expensive waterfilter, but it works to good.

I just get hydrogen.

Is that--

[laughter]

This is a quick impersonation.

This is-- This is--I'm hearing voices!

This is Robert De Niro, RobertDe Niro as a little Jewish boy.

(ACCENT) Did you cut my pee pee?

This is that DizzyGillespie, Dizzy

Gillespie about toget sick at a party.

All right, this is--this is a new one.

This is Monica Seles.

So shut your eyes first.

Shut your eyes fora second, ready?

Monica Seles.

Ay, ay, ay!

That was-- this is-- ay, ay, ay!

It's also Yoko.

You can do it either way.

This is-- this is-- ooh!

THis is-- this isElvis Presley, Elvis

Presley as apremature ejaculator.

I'll move back.

Elvis Presley as a prematureejaculator. (ACCENT) Thank

you, thank you.

Well, it's a one.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh.

Great to be here.

It's the year ofthe woman, right?

[cheers]

No, I don't think so.

I mean, if that were thecase, how come on Clinton's

inaugural, all the reporterscould talk about is what

Hillary was wearing, youknow, as if she really cared.

You know, I could see herand Tipper on the phone

the night before. (DITSY VOICE)Are you gonna wear a hat?

I don't know.

Are you gonna wear a hat?

Well, I'll wear a hatif you wear a hat.

OK, I'll wear a hatif you wear a hat.

OK, let's wear hats.

I don't think so.

I'm a sentimental person.

I love holidays.

I think holidays are important,because that's when you go home

and do some alcoholic drinkingand compulsive overeating

with yourdysfunctional families.

I'll never forget my firstChristmas away from home.

There was onemember of my family

I missed so much I actuallyhad to call him on the phone.

I was like, hello, Mom?

Is he there?

Yeah, put him on.(HIGH VOICE) Hi, boy!

Who's a good boy?

Merry Christmas, I love you!

Gonna play with the balland chance the kitty?

You're a good boy.

OK, put mom back on.

Hi, Mom.

Yeah, Dad sounds a lot better.

I'm a single person.

I'd rather have shingles.

It's no fun at all.

What I hate most about thedating scene is the first night

sleeping over ata new boyfriend's.

That is awkward fora woman, isn't it?

Find yourself in somemold-encrusted bathroom,

you know?

Looking through thetoiletries and wind up

washing your face withbrute soap or something.

And right before I slipin between the sheets,

I always say a little prayer.

I always say, oh God,please don't let me

do that spastic twitching thingbefore I fall asleep tonight.

[laughter]

You know that thing rightbefore you're about to nod off

and you're likepft, pft, pft, pft?

And it's thrashing.

Arms and legs are flailing.

Drool is spurting everywhere.

It's more awkward thanthe sex act itself.

And let me ask the womensomething about sex.

Do you think size matters?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

-Yeah, I do.

[laughter]

I think small men are better,'cause they're angrier.

[laughter]

I talk about sex becauseI was brought up Catholic,

and I'm repressed.

And um, when I was veryyoung, a teenager, my father

found some birthcontrol in my purse.

He actually mademe go to confession

and tell a priest what I did.

I didn't know what to say.

I was like, Father, youdon't understand what it's

like to see a teenage boy withhis taut, tight, young body.

And you want him, Father,you just don't under---

Oh, never mind, uh.

[laughter]

Maybe you do understand.

Here's his number.

That is no fun.

The gynecologist is theworst, isn't it, sir?

I hate it.

Last time I made the mistake ofgoing to a nurse practitioner,

you know, really earthy.

She wants you to feel involved.

Halfway through the examshe pulls out a mirror.

I said, what's that for?

She said, don't you wantto look at your cervix?

I said, no.

My cervix is like God to me.

I don't have to see itto believe it exists.

[laughter]

Plus men are alwayspraying to it.

OK, [inaudible].

I love to worry.

That's my hobby.

Here's one thing that's beenon my mind a lot lately.

We go to a lot ofweddings with my family.

See my parents out thereon the dance floor.

They play the old songs.

They do the old dances.

And they look so good up there.

And it really concerns me.

I mean, what arepeople our age going

to do when we getolder at weddings?

We never learnedhow to do like that.

What are we supposed todo, slam dance up there?

Not very dignified.

It makes me wonder what mygrandchildren will think of me,

you know?

Of course, I don't thinkI'm going to end up as one

of those big, soft cookie-bakinggrandmas, you know?

I'll probably be one of thosebony chain-smoking divorcee

grandmas.

(SCRATCHY VOICE)Come on over here

and give grammy abig hug and a kiss.

[applause]

(SCRATCHY VOICE) And whatthe hell are you crying for?

Did you cut yourselfon grammy's ribs again?

Ah, just splash a littlevodka on that-- shut up,

you little bastard!

Shut up!

Thanks a lot!

Uh, pleasure to be here.

I'm a little amazedthat I'm doing this.

I never even intended tobe a stand up comedian.

I always wanted to be a matador.

Well, the idea struck me oneday while I was folding towels.

[laughter]

Man, I've got a flair for this.

So I gave it a shot.

But the problem was Icouldn't speak Spanish,

and bull fighting's dangerousenough without having to use

an English toSpanish dictionary.

El toro es muy bonito.

So I made a fewadjustments, and then

one day myinterpreter was bored.

Luckily I had thetowel right there,

a quick tourniquet,and poor little Paco.

[laughter]

OK, that was all a lie.

I was just tryingto impress you.

I never really was a matador.

I was an astronaut.

spend enough timeconcentrating on my material.

I've really been moreconcerned about my hair.

I'll explain.

I did a show on ComedyChannel a year ago,

and they show it a whole lot.

And I was trying togrow my hair out.

And it was kind of that awkwardprince valiant kind of look.

And I can't tell you how manyfriends have come up and gone,

Tom, I saw you onthe Comedy Channel.

It was good.

What was the dealwith your hair?

So.

I don't know.

The material thing,I don't know.

It's kind of hardto get material.

I saw a thing that didn't helpme out too much the other day,

a show called "TheOrigins of Mankind,"

humankind, whatever'spolitically correct.

But it said on there thatmankind has been artistically

creative for over 40,000 years.

And I'm supposed to come upwith some original material?

[laughter]

I think it's done, but--

[applause]

Clapping, you'll kill the time.

They didn't-- youknow, on that show,

they didn't say whenthe first comic emerged.

But it was probably likean impressionist, Jacques,

the impressionist, or something.

Have you seen-- have youseen Jacques do his bison?

It's uncanny.

He does a bison, a deer, andReverend Jim from "Taxi."

[laughter]

But I shouldn't becomplaining, because I

am fortunate to be doing this.

Because I don't-- I neverdid too well in school.

I'm lucky to have a job.

I started out OK,but then I think

it was when I got thealgebra and word problems I

went downhill withword problems.

Had a horrible time with them.

I don't know aboutyou, but I always

felt like they were aninvasion of privacy.

It is none of my businesshow many apples Joe's buying.

[laughter]

And for all I know, Joecould be wanted by the law.

The next thing Iknow, the police

are going to be questioningme about Joe's produce

consumption.

I don't know, officer, really.

Geez.

All I know is heleft this morning

on a train traveling100 miles an hour.

[applause]

I think he's with a guy named X.They could have apples on them,

I don't know.

You know, you might wantto check back of the book.

Uh.

[laughter]

I'm not real good with these.

Well, you guys havebeen a very nice crowd.

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