Birbiglia, Washington, Stevens, DiTullio

  • Season 5, Ep 504
  • 10/19/2001

David Alan Grier hosts Comedy Central's original stand-up series featuring Mike Birbiglia, Brody Stevens, Janine DiTullio and Billy D. Washington.

GUYS DOIN'?!

NEW YORK CITY!

HOW ARE YOU?!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE)

AH!

WONDERFUL.

I SEE YOU, GIRL.

WONDERFUL NEW YORK.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING TO FESS UP.

I DIDN'T REALLY LEAVE

MY HOTEL ROOM TODAY.

I, AH--

I SAT AROUND ALL DAY.

I WAS WATCHING GOLF.

(SIGHS)

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO

TIGER WOODS?

(LAUGHTER)

MR. PERFECT.

HE USED TO WIN EVERY TOURNAMENT,

DIDN'T HE?

WELL, TIGER IS MESSIN' UP NOW.

OKAY?

HE STARTED MISSIN' THEM PUTTS.

TIGER TURNED INTO A (BLEEP)

IN FRONT OF OUR VERY EYES.

(LAUGHTER)

HE WAS LIKE...

OH, NO.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS, MAN.

GIVE ME MY CLUBS, MAN.

GIVE ME MY CLUBS, MAN.

I'M LIKE, TIGER?

TIGER WOODS?

YOU'RE BEHAVING MORE LIKE

"TYRONE".

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

OH, MAN.

MIKE BIRBIGLIA>> OH, HEY,

EVERYBODY.

WOW.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE)

YEAH.

WOW.

I LIKE THAT LOVE.

I'M A PRETTY SENSITIVE GUY.

I AM.

YEAH.

I WAS ON THE SUBWAY

THE OTHER DAY, AND THE GUY

NEXT TO ME WAS CRYING OVER A

BOOK HE WAS ACTUALLY CRYING.

SO I LEANED OVER AND I GO,

"YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO READ

EITHER, HUH?"

(LAUGHTER)

HE WAS LIKE, "UH-UH."

SHOULDN'T SAY BAD STUFF ABOUT

ILLITERATE PEOPLE, THOUGH.

I SHOULD WRITE IT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

THAT WAY THEY'LL NEVER FIND OUT.

SO, I GOT A GIRLFRIEND.

(CHEERING)

THANK YOU.

YEAH.

SHE'S A LITTLE BIT OLDER THAN

I AM.

SO SHE'S STARTING TO GET

TO THAT AGE WHERE SHE'S THINKING

ABOUT HAVING KIDS, YOU KNOW.

WHICH IS EXCITING,

'CAUSE WE'RE GONNA HAVE

THE BREAKUP.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, YEAH.

I'VE DECIDED I'M NOT GONNA HAVE

KIDS UNTIL I'M ABSOLUTELY SURE

THAT NOTHING ELSE GOOD CAN

HAPPEN IN MY LIFE.

(LAUGHTER)

I WANT TO HAVE KIDS.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO MEET THEM.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

MY GIRLFRIEND MAKES ME WATCH

"OPRAH".

YOU GUYS WATCHING THE OPRAH?

YEAH?

MY GIRLFRIEND FORCES IT.

I'M IN THE BOOK CLUB.

AND THE ANGEL NETWORK.

I'M REMEMBERING MY SPIRIT.

I TAKE SEXUAL ADVICE FROM

A BALD GUY NAMED "DR. PHIL".

(APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

I GOT A GAY ROOMMATE RIGHT NOW.

MY ROOMMATE'S GAY.

A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK I AM GAY,

YOU KNOW.

BUT I GOT GROUND RULES.

I BE LIKE, "YOU GOTTA STAY

ON YOUR SIDE OF THE SHOWER."

(LAUGHTER)

AND IF HE DOESN'T, NO MORE

BACK RUBS.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I GOT TO LAY DOWN THE LAW.

I'M LIKE THAT COP IN

"THE VILLAGE PEOPLE".

(LAUGHER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

I'M A LITTLE GAY THOUGH.

I, AH--

I THINK I LIKE TOM CRUISE

A LITTLE TOO MUCH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, I WOULDN'T HAVE SEX

WITH HIM.

BUT IF MY GIRLFRIEND CAME HOME

AND SAID THAT SHE HAD SEX WITH

HIM, I'D BE LIKE, "DETAILS".

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

I LIKE THE RAP MUSIC.

YOU GUYS LIKE THE RAP MUSIC?

YEAH, COME ON.

RAISE THE ROOF.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

RAISE THE ROOF.

CRACKERS...

(LAUGHTER)

MOSTLY CRACKERS HERE TONIGHT?

MOSTLY WHITE PEOPLE?

I'M TRYING TO INTEGRATE THE WORD

"CRACKER" INTO MY ACT THESE

DAYS.

'CAUSE A LOT OF BLACK COMICS

USE THE "N" WORD.

I'M TRYING TO USE THE "C" WORD.

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE, "ME AND MY CRACKER FRIENDS

ARE WALKING DOWN THE STREET..."

AND I SAY "HEY, CRACKER...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HOW'S EVERYTHING GOIN'?"

HE SAYS, "WELL, I'M HAVIN' A

HARD TIME KEEPIN' MY PROSTITUTES

IN LINE."

AND I SAY, "CRACKER PLEASE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HE WAS LIKE, "CRACKER WHAT?"

(LAUGHER CONTINUES)

I LIKE RAP MUSIC.

ALTHOUGH, I DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY RAPPERS ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED

TO REMIND YOU OF WHO THEY ARE

THROUGHOUT THEIR SONG.

AS THOUGH YOU MIGHT FORGET

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SONG.

THEY ALWAYS OPEN WITH THAT VERSE

EXCLUSIVELY ABOUT THEIR NAME.

YOU KNOW, IT'D BE LIKE "CHED

NICE, CHED NICE.

MY NAME BE LIKE CHED NICE."

(LAUGHTER)

WHICH IS FINE, YOU KNOW.

BUT THEN THEY ALWAYS WEAVE IT IN

AT INAPPROPRIATE TIMES.

YOU KNOW?

IT'D BE LIKE,

♪ I SAW THIS HO

♪ SHE WAS ON MY JOCK

♪ WE WENT TO A PARTY

♪ ON THE BLOCK

♪ I GOT HER A DRINK

♪ SHE ASKED FOR SOME ICE

♪ I PUT IT IN A CUP

♪ MY NAME IS CHED NICE ♪

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

I'M ALWAYS LIKE, "YEAH, WE KNOW.

YOU JUST TOLD US."

SOME ARTISTS DON'T WANT TO TELL

YOU THEIR NAME THOUGH, RIGHT?

LIKE "DESTINY'S CHILD".

WE DON'T KNOW HER NAME.

WE KNOW HER MOTHER'S NAME.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

IT'S "DESTINY".

BUT WE DON'T KNOW HERS.

THEN SHE HAS THE NERVE TO SING

THAT SONG "SAY MY NAME".

(LAUGHTER)

BUT WE DON'T KNOW YOUR NAME.

UNLESS IT'S "DESTINY JR.",

I AM COMPLETELY IN THE DARK.

NO WONDER THEY WANT US TO PAY

THEIR BILLS.

THEY DON'T HAVE NAMES.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA SIGN A CHECK

IF YOU DON'T HAVE A NAME?

"QUESTION?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

THANKS A LOT, EVERYBODY.

♪ (MUSIC

BRODY STEVENS>> YES!

ALL RIGHT!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I'M EXCITED TO BE HERE.

HEY, GUYS.

THERE'S A LOT OF PARTY DRUGS.

A LOT OF THINGS GOING ON.

YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL ABOUT

ECSTASY AND THINGS LIKE THAT.

I'M SERIOUS.

MY GIRLFRIEND TRIED IT A COUPLE

OF WEEKS AGO--

THIS IS TRUE--

AND SHE DUMPED ME FOR A

GLOW STICK.

PEOPLE!

YOU GOT TO BE CAREFUL.

YOU REALLY NEED TO BE CAREFUL.

'CAUSE I'M OFF THE HINGES.

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

YEAH, I'M FROM L.A.

WHATSUP?

I LIVE IN SOUTH CENTRAL...

BEVERLY HILLS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WHICH MEANS, I WILL STRANGLE YOU

WITH A CARDIGAN AND MY

ARROGANCE.

OKAY?

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

I'M RICH.

I CAN AFFORD HAIR PLUGS.

ALL RIGHT?

I DON'T HAVE 'EM...

BUT I COULD AFFORD 'EM.

AND THAT'S A GREAT FEELING.

HEY, RENT'S EXPENSIVE.

AM I RIGHT?

YOU BETCHA I AM, EVERYBODY.

HEY, NEW YORK, CHICAGO--

IT'S EXPENSIVE.

I LIVE OUT IN L.A.

I FOUND A GREAT DEAL, THOUGH.

CURRENTLY, I LIVE AT THE

RONALD McDONALD HOUSE.

UM...

WHICH IS GREAT.

I HAVE A SHAKE MACHINE

IN MY BEDROOM, THE POOL IS

EXTREMELY SHALLOW, AND IF

I'M A GREAT GUY, THEY LET ME

DROP THE FRY'S.

YES!

I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING JUDGED.

I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT CONNECTING

WITH YOU GUYS.

SHAME ON YOU.

SHAME ON YOU FOR TRYING TO BRING

ME DOWN.

OKAY?

I HAVE MAJOR CREDITS.

GO TO THE "PREMIUM BLEND"

WEBSITE.

LOOK ME UP, OKAY?

YEAH, I LIVE WITH MY MOM.

BUT DON'T CHARGE THAT AGAINST

ME.

AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING

RIGHT NOW.

IF YOU DON'T GET ME,

YOU'RE DUMB.

OKAY?

MY COMEDY--

THANK YOU.

MY COMEDY IS FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE

SOME BRAINS.

OKAY?

AND IF YOU'RE A HOT CHICK.

BUT ANYWAY--

THE DEAL IS, UM--

I'M TALENTED.

THIS MORNING I PLAYED SQUASH

WITH WAM--

IT WAS GREAT.

AND THEN I WENT OUT FOR A 5K--

I RAN THAT IN FLIP-FLOPS.

I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

DON'T GIVE ME THAT!

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

DON'T FAKE IT!

STOP IT!

HOW DARE YOU!

YOU GOT AN ANGRY GUY UP HERE!

NOW IT'S NOT BELLS AND WHISTLES

NOW!

YOU PUT ME AGAINST THE WALL,

AMERICA!

AND THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN

IN TEXAS!

I'M A JEWISH GUY.

AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

I GOT BACKUP IN TEXAS.

(APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

MY NICK NAME IN TEXAS...

"THE LONE STAR OF DAVID."

ALL RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

LISTEN, EVERYBODY.

YOU'RE GREAT.

CHECK ME OUT ON THE INTERNET.

"COMEDY CENTRAL", YOU ROCK!

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

JANINE DETULLIO>> AH, THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU GUYS ARE DOING WELL.

A NICE NEW YORK CROWD.

I LIVE HERE IN NEW YORK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YES.

YEAH.

SO, I LIVE HERE IN NEW YORK.

AND, AH--

YOU KNOW, LIVING IN NEW YORK

KIND OF CHANGES YOUR VIEW

ON THINGS.

FOR EXAMPLE, I USED TO THINK

ASSISTING SUICIDE WAS WRONG.

AND NOW, I THINK ASSISTING

SUICIDE IS FINE.

ESPECIALLY IF THE PERSON YOU'RE

ASSISTING HAS A RENT CONTROLLED

APARTMENT.

YOU KNOW?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHY SHOULD I SUFFER ANY LONGER?

I LIVE IN A RENT CONTROLLED

APARTMENT.

NOTHING WORKS.

I HAVE GOT WATER IN MY

APARTMENT--

YOU MAY KNOW ABOUT THIS--

I'M IN THE SHOWER.

EVERYTHING'S FINE.

AND FOR NO REASON AT ALL,

THE TEMPERATURE OF THE WATER

GOES CRAZY.

SCALDING HOT WATER.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO GET OUT

OF THE SHOWER AND WAIT FOR THE

TEMPERATURE TO GO BACK TO NORMAL

OR DO THIS THING.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S LIKE YOU'VE GOT TO STAND

UNDER THE STREAM OF THE WATER--

YOU HAVE TO PRETEND YOU HAVE

SOME CONTROL OVER THE

TEMPERATURE.

IT'S LIKE, "OH, I'LL FIX THE

DEVIL WATER EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T

TOUCH IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

OH, YEAH.

OH, PERFECT.

OH, GOOD.

OKAY.

FREEZING COLD.

BACK TO THIS POSITION.

BECAUSE OF THIS, A TEN MINUTE

SHOW TAKE ME AN HOUR AND A HALF.

BY THE TIME I'M FINISHED,

I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN THROUGH

A BAD RELATIONSHIP.

IT'S LIKE, I CAN CONTROL YOU,

YOU'RE HURTING ME.

I CAN CONTROL YOU.

YOU'RE HURTING ME.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S LIKE I'M SHOWERING WITH

IKE TURNER.

I ACTUALLY--

I DO HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS

IN MY LIFE.

I FINALLY HAVE A DENTAL PLAN.

(CHEERING)

THANKS.

I CHEW ON THE OTHER SIDE.

UM...

(LAUGHTER)

WE HAVE SOME UNEMPLOYED,

SELF-EMPLOYED PEOPLE HERE

WHO KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I'M LOOKING INTO A NEW HEALTH

INSURANCE PLAN.

I THOUGHT--

YOU KNOW, I'M A WOMAN--

I SHOULD REALLY ASK IF THEY

COVER ABORTIONS.

THEN I REMEMBERED I NEVER HAVE

SEX.

SO IF I DO GET PREGNANT,

I PROBABLY WANT TO HAVE THE BABY

JESUS.

UM...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW--

YOU DON'T WANT TO PUT THAT ONE

BACK.

SO...

MY FRIENDS HAVE BABIES NOW.

YEAH, AND IT'S WEIRD.

I GO OUT TO LUNCH WITH MY

FRIEND, SHE BRINGS HER BABY.

AND THEN SHE GOES

"I HAVE TO LEAVE FOR A MINUTE.

JUST WATCH HIM."

I'M LIKE "WHAT DO I DO?"

"JUST GIVE HIM SOME VEGETABLES."

IT TURNS OUT JALAPEÑOS ARE NOT

HIS FAVORITE.

(LAUGHTER)

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT.

I HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH

HIM.

I'M JUST STARING AT HIM.

HE'S CRYING.

SUDDENLY THE MOTHER COMES BACK.

THEY ALWAYS HAVE THE MOTHERS

INTUITION.

SHE PICK HIM UP AND TAKES HIM

OUTSIDE.

I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW,

HE'S SMILING.

I THOUGHT "HOW DID SHE KNOW THAT

BABY WANTED TO SMOKE?"

(LAUGHTER)

SO, I HAD A GOOD THING HAPPEN

TO ME THE OTHER NIGHT.

I WENT INTO A LIQUEUR STORE.

AND THE GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER

ASKS ME IF I WAS TWENTY-ONE.

OH, YEAH.

YEAH.

SO I'M LIKE REALLY PSYCHED,

RIGHT?

I'M LIKE--

I'M DEFINITELY OVER TWENTY-ONE.

AND THEN HE GOES

"DO YOU HAVE I.D.?"

I WAS LIKE "I AM OVER

TWENTY-ONE.

DO YOU HAVE CATARACTS.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?"

AND SO THEN HE SAYS TO ME

"SMILE."

NOW I'M IN A REALLY GOOD MOOD

AT THIS POINT.

I SMILE REALLY BIG, RIGHT?

HE LEANS IN, LOOKS AT ME VERY

CLOSELY AND HE THEN JUST

HANDS ME THE BOTTLE.

I GO "WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?"

HE GOES "RIGHT HERE."

THE BASTARD.

HE WAS LOOKING FOR THE LINES

ON MY EYES.

SUDDENLY A GOOD MOMENT WENT

VERY, VERY BAD.

HE MIGHT AS WELL OF SAID

"CAN YOU LIFT UP YOUR SHIRT

AND SHOW ME YOUR SAGGING

BREAST?"

(LAUGHTER)

BY THE TIME I LEFT THE STORE

HE WAS GOING "DO YOU EVEN STILL

GET YOU PERIOD ANYMORE, MA'AM?

DO YOU?

OH.

IT'S HARD BEING A WOMAN.

I REALLY DON'T COMPLAIN BEING

A WOMAN.

BUT I JUST READ ABOUT THIS THAT

GOES ON IN PARTS OF THE WORLD.

PARTS OF WEST AFRICA.

PARTS OF THE MIDDLE EAST.

A WOMAN TURNS OF AGE--

AS A RITUAL, THEY CUT OFF HER

CLITORIS.

GENITAL MUTILATION--

THIS IS AWFUL.

I HEARD ABOUT THIS, I FELT,

MY GOD, NO MATTER HOW MUCH

I COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR COUNTRY,

I SHOULD BE THANKFUL THIS'LL

NEVER BE A RITUAL HERE.

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE THE MEN HERE DON'T KNOW

WHERE THE CLITORIS IS.

AH...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE WOMEN OUR CLAPPING.

I'M SORRY.

SO, THIS GUY KNOWS WHERE IT IS,

RIGHT?

IT'S THAT THING THAT HANGS DOWN

AT THE BACK OF THE THROAT.

AH...

LISTEN, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN

A GREAT CROWD.

THANKS VERY MUCH.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I, UM--

I KIND OF FREAKED THIS

WHITE LADY OUT EARLIER TODAY.

SHE WALKED TOWARDS MY CAR,

AND I LOCKED MY DOOR.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU LAUGH.

BUT SHE BROKE IN AND TOOK

MY STUFF ANYWAY.

THE POLICE CAUGHT HER.

THEY HAD HER IN A LINEUP.

BUT I COULDN'T IDENTIFY HER

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THEY ALL...

HA...

(LAUGHTER)

I FLEW IN HERE YESTERDAY--

LET ME ASK YOU GUYS A QUESTION.

DOES ANYBODY IN HERE REMEMBER

WHEN FLIGHT ATTENDANTS USED TO

BE GOOD LOOKING?

(LAUGHTER)

I GOT ON THE PLANE AND I ASKED

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WHAT HER

NAME WAS.

AND SHE SAID...

(HOWLING)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(HOWLING CONTINUES)

RUFF, RUFF!

(HOWLING)

ON MOST FLIGHTS THEY SERVE

PEANUTS.

BUT ON THIS PARTICULAR ONE

THEY SERVED DOG BISCUITS.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

AS THE PLANE WAS TAKING OFF,

SHE'S HANGING HER HEAD OUT

THE WINDOW.

A LOT OF LADIES--

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I TEASE LADIES A LOT PRIMARILY

BECAUSE YOU GUYS ARE SO

CONFIDENT WITH WHO YOU ARE

AS WOMEN, ESPECIALLY SEXUALLY,

LIKE--

YOU GUYS CAN COMPLIMENT

EACH OTHER ANATOMICALLY AS IF

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

LIKE, ONE LADY CAN WALK UP

TO ANOTHER LADY AND SHE'S LIKE

"YOU KNOW, GLADYS,

THOSE SURE ARE NICE BREASTS

YOU GOT THERE.

SO SOFT...

(LAUGHTER)

BUT, YET, SO FIRM."

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

YOU'D NEVER SEE TWO MEN DOING

THIS, RIGHT?

YOU IMAGINE TWO GUYS

AT A URINAL?

"DAMN, EARL...

(LAUGHTER)

THOSE SURE ARE NICE BALLS

YOU GOT THERE...

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

SO SOFT...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BUT, YET, SO FIRM.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC CONTIUES)

(LAUGHTER)

THE NAME OF THIS SONG IS

"THINGS WE WANT TO KNOW."

THE FIRST VERSE IS

"THE THINGS THAT MEN WANT

TO KNOW ABOUT WOMEN."

SECOND VERSE IS "THE THINGS THAT

WOMEN WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MEN."

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

HERE ARE THE GUYS.

♪ WHY DO YOU THINK

♪ YOU'RE SO PRETTY?

♪ AND WHY DO YOU

♪ WEAR THE PANTY HOSE?

♪ WHY DO YOU DRINK SO MUCH

♪ AND DON'T HAVE NO MONEY?

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

♪ AND WHY DO YOU

♪ MESS WITH THE STEREO?

(LAUGHTER)

HERE ARE THE LADIES.

♪ WHY ARE ALL YOUR FRIENDS

♪ SO STUPID?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

♪ AND WHY DON'T YOU

♪ WIPE THE TOILET SEAT?

(WOMEN CHEERING)

♪ WHY IS YOUR FANTASY

♪ TO BE WITH TWO WOMEN?

♪ AND YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

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