Ari Shaffir: Passive Aggressive

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 03/13/2015

Ari Shaffir explains why we talk to people we don't like, why children are awful and why eating Chinese food naked is one of life's greatest pleasures.

Have you ever done this: haveyou ever

gotten into a conversationwith somebody

and as soon as youstart talking to them,

like as soon as you starttalking, you realize,

oh, I don't want totalk to you at all?

Like, no part of mewants this conversation.

But what do youdo at that point?

Like, what do you dowhen that happens?

AUDIENCE: Walk away.

-Walk away.

You are a liar.

You'd like to be that guy.

You'd love to be that guy,but you're not that guy.

Nobody's that guy, dude.

of a sociopath?

You're like, uh-huh, uh-huh.

You don't do that.

You just take it.

That's what we all do.

It [bleep] sucks.

You can't go anywhere,you can't do anything.

All you can do is go like,look around the room,

and hopefully, they getthat cue, and they never do.

Most people would get that.

If I'm talking to you, andI'm like this the whole time,

You'll be like, oh, Ican see you're busy.

Because you'rehuman [bleep] being.

It's annoying peoplenever read those cues.

It's like, where you looking?Why are you looking away?

What's wrong with you?

What's happening?

Look at me.

It's horrible.

I should juststart walking away.

That would be the bestthing to do, right?

You can't do it, butthat would be ideal.

I'm done letting people I hatechoose how I live my life.

And I want out ofthat whole mess.

I do it so much.

And with annoying people,it's the same thing.

You're just stuck.

They're like, hey,is that your time?

I'm going to rape it now.

No, no, no, don't rape my time.

My time's like,Ari, don't leave me.

Sorry, dude, you'regetting raped by her.

Nothing I can do.

You can't even stop.

I always know I'm about toget in the conversation,

but I can't turn it around.

I feel like, how are you?

I'm like, good.

How are you.

[bleep] Why'd I do that?

All right, stop the clock.

10 minutes, let's go.

Did you ever like somebody?

It [bleep] sucks.

It has never gotten bettersince I was 15 years old,

it's never got any[bleep] better.

It really has not.

It's never been easy.

You always had-- yourstomach is tense,

and you never knowwhat you're doing.

It just [bleep] sucks.

This is since I was 15.

This day, like, at 15.

This is what I would do.

I couldn't go up to a girlI liked at high school.

It was-- I was too nervous.

So I would pretend likeI forgot the homework,

and then I would callthem on the phone.

And I have a list oftopics to talk about,

just in case theconversation went,

dry which it always would.

That's why I had the list.

And do you remember the firsttime you actually hit it off

with a girl, likeyou're actually

talking to her on the phone,or a guy, someone you like?

And you're actually,like, catching a vibe.

And it's, like, going well.

Remember that awesome momentwhen you're like, whoa,

I actually like this girl.

We're flirting on the phone,and I'm making her laugh.

And she's making me laugh.

This is fun.

If this is what datingis all about, I'm in.

I'm in forever.

100%.

This feels rad.

And then, just whenyou think it's perfect,

you'll hear a click onthe other end of the line.

And your mother, whichit'd be like, hello?

I'm on the phone, Mom.

I'm on the phone.

Hello?

Is someone on the phone?

Yeah, it's me, the guywho said I'm on the phone.

Hang up.

Hello?

There's no dial tone.

I'm on the phone!

Hang up!

Ari, is that you?

Yes!

Hang up the [bleep] phone.

Who are you talking to?

Shut up!

Shut the [bleep] up.

I hate you.

Oh, is it a girl? [bleep] you.

[bleep] you, Mom!

Every [bleep] time.

What'd you think it was, Mom?

Stupid idiot Mom.

You didn't stumbleupon a spy ring, OK?

It's your son tryingnot to be gay.

Let it happen.

I think I know why.

I think I know why everymarried friend I know,

fights just likeall our parents did.

Because they makethis huge mistake that

every married couple makes.

They decided to live together.

I know it seems stupid,but it's a horrible idea.

Don't make a roommateout of somebody you love.

Those are horrible people.

It's never going to work.

Here's why, here's why.

When you live with somebody,you're wrong half the time.

Half of any situation that comesup, you're going to be wrong.

I live alone.

I've never been wrong before.

I It's never, ever happened.

Here's, for example,one time I was eating

Chinese food in my apartment.

I was naked and I waseating Chinese food.

It was like, 2:00 PM.

I wasn't ready to start yet.

And I'm eatingthis Chinese food,

and I'm talking on the phone.

And as I'm talking, thechopsticks crossed over,

and a piece of General Tso'schicken fell over the bowl

and onto the floor.

I tried to catch itas it was falling out

of the air with the chopsticks.

But as soon as I tried, Iwas like, are you crazy?

Did you really think you hadany shot in the world at that?

Miyagi tried for half acentury and never got it.

Your first try, a targetmoving away from you, really?

The hubris involved tothink I had any chance.

Here's how close I got tocatching the chicken out

of the air with chopsticks.

I hit it with my wrist, andI forced it down faster.

That's how close I was.

As soon as I tried, Iwas like-- So anyhow,

I got to get that chicken,but I was on the phone,

I'll get it when Iget off the phone.

But then I talked forlike another 30 minutes,

and then I've got callwaiting, and that call

lasted 45 more minutes.

And then it got late,and I had to leave.

So I quickly put someclothes on, and I left.

And I came back like10, 11 hours later,

and I'm running to the bathroom.

Because you know, as soon as youtouch your keys to go inside,

like you've had topee like you've never

had to pee before in your life.

What is that?

We're like, I'll be in in onesecond, nope maybe 5 seconds.

It's just way harder to go innow. [bleep] idiot bladder,

you can't wait 10 seconds?

So I get it open.

I'm running to go the bathroom,and I saw the piece chicken,

like still on the floor there.

And I was like, ah,crap, I got to get that.

It's been there all day.

That's really disgusting.

But then I went to thebathroom, I got sidetracked,

and I started the vaporizer up.

And then I smokedsome pot, and then I

ate a shit load of gummy bears.

Like, a totally unhealthyamount of gummy bears having AA.

And then I got tired fromeating all those gummy bears,

you know.

It was the texture after awhile, it really wears you out.

And so I went to sleep.

I said [bleep], let's call ita day, and I went to sleep.

I woke up in the middle of thenight, like 4:00 or 5:00 AM

to go to the bathroom.

As walking to the bathroomtrying to keep my eyes

closed so I don't wake up.

And as I'm walking, Istepped right in the chicken.

And at first, I didn'teven know what it was.

Because it had been so long,I thought I just killed

a cockroach with my bare foot.

That'll wake you up, by the way.

Oh, I just killed a cockroach.

That's disgusting.

I was, like, oh, it's thatchicken, that's right.

It's been there forlike a day and a half.

It's really disgusting.

So I got a paper towel,and I wiped it off my foot.

And then I wiped the restoff the floor, and that's it.

I was not wrong.

Kids are awful.

[chuckles]

My friends, Steve and Tracy,have this kid

and he's, like, 2 or 0 or 7or something.

I don't know.He's undeveloped.

And we were all at a Super Bowlparty at their house,

and this kid tried some foodhe didn't like.

He's, like, 3 years old, andwhen they try food at that age

and they don't like it,they don't handle it very well.

It's not like you or me.

If you or me, like,tried some food, I'd be like,

"Hmm, wait.Is that cheesecake?

"It is, right?Yeah, I don't like cheesecake.

"Yeah, I know.

"I know. I know.And I'm a sweets guy.

"So you'd totally thinkI like cheesecake.

"I totally get whereyou're coming from.

"But nonetheless,I don't like cheesecake,

so you can polish that offif you like."

At 3, it's not that pleasantan experience.

At 3, they just start, like,convulsing.

Their body's rejectingthis outside pathogen.

"Aah, aah, aah,

"I don't like it.I don't like it!

"Ugh, Mom. Mom! Mom!

"Mom, I don't like it!Aah!

Aah, aah!"

And I don't blame 'em.

At 3 years old, you've had,like, 8 real meals

in your whole life.

It was breast milkfor 2 1/2 years

and then you start with food,and the first six meals

were (bleep) good.

And this last one is,"Oh, this is disgusting!"

Like, he just learnedthat food could be bad.

His understanding of the worldhas been lessened

by what's currentlyin his mouth, you know?

He's got nothingto compare it to.

Me, it's like, "Cheesecake, I'vehad it before. Don't like it."

Him, it's like,oh, hatred exists.

I like pot.I'm a pothead.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, as are a lot of you,right?

People tell me you getin trouble here in New York.

And I was like,"Really? That seems stupid."

It's just a little weed.

I never, like,had to go to a dealer.

I started smoking pot in, like,the legal-ish system

of California.

You know, where you just goto a doctor.

You know the deal.You've all heard of it.

It's so fucking stupidand crooked.

You just make up any diseasethat's ever existed.

If you can think of any diseasethat's ever existed,

you are sick enough to get yourmedical marijuana prescription.

You'd be like, "Oh, I just feelreally polio-ish today."

Light it up!

It's so stupid.

And you have to renewyour persip-scription,

or whatever it's called,prescription,

you have to renew it every year.

Prescription--whatever.Every year you gotta renew.

As if they're gonna finda cure someday.

Like, "Yay! Maybe."

Hopefully scientists are workingaround the clock

to get me better.

It's so stupid.This year, I didn't even do it.

The first yearI got really into it,

I was worried that he wasn'tgonna give me my license.

So he was like,"What are your symptoms?"

I was like, "Oh, I had kneesurgery a few years ago,

"and that still causes me painonce in a while,

"and I suffer fromsleeplessness,

and I occasionallyhave had depression."

And the doctor's like,"Easy, easy,

you're gonna lose your voice."

"You had me at,'Here's 40 bucks.'"

You're sick enough.

You got 40 bucks.You got a problem.

So this year, I'm like,"I'm not doing this.

"I'm a grown man. Why am I lyingto another grown man?

This is stupid."

So I went in there, and theygive you all these forms

to fill out.

They're trying to be likereal doctors.

They ask you for, like,family medical history,

stuff like that.

I left everything blank.

I just wrote down in one box,

"I like to get high, bro."

That's it.

Capital "B,"capital "R," capital "O."

And I gave it back to them,

and they put you inthis waiting room.

You have to sit there for, like,ten minutes in this office.

And then this doctor comes out.

I guess he's a doctor.He's got a lab coat.

He's got--he's got a lab coatand a dusty stethoscope.

And he comes in, and he goes,"So..."

And he looks over the forms.He gets to that part.

I can tell,he, like, rolls his eyes.

And he's like,"All right, so, you know,

what are your symptoms?"

I'm like, "What symptomsare you talking about, dude?

"I'm (bleep) fine.I like to get ripped.

"I think you can figure outthe situation.

"You're a smart guy.You went to medical school.

"I think you can decodethe (bleep) ruse we're playing

"that me and the eightcollege kids outside

didn't just catch the plagueall of a sudden."

And he goes, "I'm gonnawrite down anxiety."

[laughter and applause]