Monday, November 17, 2014

  • 11/17/2014

April Richardson, Jerry Minor and Moshe Kasher list #RejectedSNLCharacters, learn about shameless airline passengers and guess which shocking Russian videos are real.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNETHEAD LINES IT'S

RAPID FRESH.

(APPLAUSE)

WELL, IT'S A NEW WEEK WHICHSEEMS THERE IS A NEW MEME

TRENDING ON TWITTER.

STARTER PACK IS A MEME THATCONTAINS FOUR PHOTOS THAT

MAKE UP A PERSON'S STARTER PACK.

IT WAS TWEETED AMOST 80,000TIMES IN HOUR ALONE.

SO I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

SO THIS IS THE "I'M COLLEGESTUDENT" STARTER PACK.

SO YOU GOT NETFLIX, SOME WATER,RAMEN AND POCKET PUSSY.

ALSO DOUBLES AS AN EMPTYWALLET.

OR THE I JUST GOT MYHEARTBROKEN STARTER PACK,

WHERE YOU HAVE GOT SOMESELFIES, BOOZE, A DRAKE CD

AND THEN TINDER.

SO OF COURSE, MY FAVORITE THOUGHI THINK IS THE STARTER PACK

FOR I'M WHAT A WHITE GUYWITHOUT WILL FIGHT ANYONE.

AND THERE'S THAT.

STARTER PACK FOR THAT.

(APPLAUSE)

SO I DON'T KNOW, I FEEL LIKETHIS COULD BE A BUNCH OF

DIFFERENT THINGS.

COMEDIANS, WHAT WOULD YOUNAME THIS STARTER PACK. APRIL?

>> I WOULD HAVE TO SAY SOMEGROWN MEN IN THEIR 30s

THINKS IT'S OKAY TO WEARTHIS ON FIRST DATES STARTER

PACK.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> THAT'S FROM REAL EXPERIENCE.

>> CHRIS: ANYTHING YOU WANT TOTALK ABOUT.

>> THAT IS RIPPED FROM THEHEADLINES.

>> CHRIS: I DON'T SEE THE DUDEIN THE TAPOUT SHIRT MESHING WITH

YOUR DEPECH MODE SHIT.

>> YEAH, THAT'S NOT -- HEDOESN'T.

MESH WITH MY SHIRT ORANYTHING ELSE.

MOSHE.

>> I WOULD SAY THIS ISTHE MMA/AA STARTER KIT.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

PERFECT.

I THINK WE WOULD ALL HAVETO AGREE ON THAT.

TRENDING ON FACEBOOK TODAY, THE TAIL OF A FATEFUL TRIP.

YET ANOTHER PRINCESS CRUISE SHIPGOT AN OUTBEAK OF THE NOROVIRUS,

CAUSING MORE THAN 170 PASSENGERSTO, HOW DO I PUT THIS GENTLY?

OVERFLOW ON TO THE POOP DECK.

DO YOU THINK THEY HAVE AGROUP DISCOUNT LIKE MAYBE A

POOPON THAT WE COULD USE TO GETON THIS BOAT?

>> NO.

>> CHRIS: APRIL IS SHAKING HERHEAD.

>> NO!

(APPLAUSE)

THEY WENT OVER THE OFFICIALPRINCESS FACEBOOK PAGE TO SEE

IF THEY HAD A STATEMENT FOR THELATEST FLOATING TOILET BUT NO,

THEY'RE GOING FULL STEAMERAHEAD.

HERE'S THE LAST POST.

DESCRIBE YOUR DREAM CRUISETO ALASKA IN THREE WORDS.

OKAY, THEY ASKED FOR IT. SOCOMEDIANS PLEASE DESCRIBE

THIS DREAM CRUISE IN THREEWORDS, JERRY MINNER.

>> FIRST OF ALL PUT THATCOFFEE DOWN.

SECOND, A, B, S, ALWAYS BE[BLEEP].

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> I CALL -->> CHRIS: MOSHE.

>> I CALL THIS CRUISE THELOVE BLOAT.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: POINTS. A GREATREFERENCE. POINTS.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

(APPLAUSE)

YES.

TODAY IS "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"CREATOR LORNE MICHAELS'

BIRTHDAY.

SO WHAT DOW GET THEMAN-- LISTEN, THEY'VE HAD

AMAZING CHARACTERS ON THE SHOW.

THEY HAVE HAD SOME CHARACTERSTHAT MAYBE DIDN'T PAN OUT AS

WELL.

SO WHAT DO WE GET THIS GUYFOR HIS BIRTHDAY.

I THINK WE NEED TO GIVE HIMSOME MORE FAILED SKETCH

CHARACTERS.

WHICH MAYBE THEY CAN SPININTO GOLD.

SO FEEL FREE TO USE SOME OFTHESE, LORNE, IF YOU WANT.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#REJECTEDSNLCHARACERS.

EXAMPLES COULD BE THE GEICOCAVEMAN LAWYER OR HANDS AN

DENNIS FRANZ, OR THEWESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH LADY.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO!

MOSHE.

>> NONRACIST BUCKWHEAT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

APRIL.

>> UNFROZEN CAVEMANGYNECOLOGIST.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. MOSHE.

>> DEBI DOWN SYNDROME.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JERRY.

>> JOHN WAYNE GACY'S WORLD.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. JERRY.

>> MR. BILL COSBY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

OH NO!

MOSHE.

>> THE CONEHEADS BUT THEY'REACTUAL CONE HEADS DUE TO A

CONGENITAL BIRTH DEFECT.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS. APRIL.

>> TWO WILD AND CRAZY GAYS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MOSHE.

>> HANS AND FRANZ NAZI WARCRIMINALS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. MOSHE.

>> ASIAN AMERICAN CASTMEMBER.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY

FLIGHT RISKS.

FLIGHT RISKS.

(APPLAUSE)

NOW WE ALL HATE FLYING BUT ITHAS A LOT OF IT HAS TO DO WITH

OTHER PASSENGERS.

FORMER FLIGHT ATTENDANT SEANCATHLEEN DECIDED TO ISSUE

HER OWN BRAND OF VIGILANTEJUSTICE BY CREATING A

FACEBOOK PAGE CALLEDPASSENGER SHAMING, WHICH IS

THANKFULLY WHAT IT SOUNDSLIKE.

PHOTOS SUBMITTED FROMFACEBOOK USERS OF THE MOST

INAPPROPRIATE AIRLINETRAVELERS BEHAVIOR.

SO I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A PICTUREFOR THE PASSENGER SHAMING

FACEBOOK, AND FOR 250 POINTS, IWANT YOU TO TELL ME THE REASON

THEY'RE FLYING.

OKAY.

FIRST ONE, LOOK AT THISWALKING 4LOKO POSTER.

(LAUGHTER)

IS THAT McCONNEGHEY?

JERRY MINOR.

>> YEAH, HE DON'T KNOW EITHER.

HE WOKE UP LIKE THIS.

YOLO.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

APRIL.

>> HE'S CLEARLY TRAVELING TOFLORIDA FOR A MEETING OF HIS

INTERNATIONAL METH CARTEL.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)

THAT'S DEFINETLY HAPPENING.

POINTS FOR THAT, NEXT ONE.

WHO HASN'T SAT IN A FLIGHT NEXTTO THIS PERSON.

>> OH MY GOODNESS.

>> CHRIS: OH BROTHER.

MOSHE.

>> TO EAT ANOTHER THAI CHILDBRIDE.

>> CHRIS: YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)

POINTS.

>> DID HE PUT A PILLOWCASEOVER HIS HEAD TO COVER HIS

EYES, I GUESS?

I MEAN -- HE'S UNCOVERED THEPART YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE.

>> HE'S A MEMBER OF THEKU KLUX CLOWN.

>> CHRIS: YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)

APRIL?

>> HE IS TRAVELING BECAUSEHE'S GOT TO MAKE IT TO A JOB

INTERVIEW AS SOUS CHEF AT GUYFIERI'S NEW RESTAURANT.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: POINTS.>> HE'S A PROFESSIONAL.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

THIS ONE, BECAUSE YOU CANNEVER BE TOO SAFE.

NEVER-- BE TOO SAFE.

>> APRIL.

>> HE'S ONLY FLYING BECAUSEHE HAS YET TO TURN INTO A

BUTTERFLY.

>> YES.

POINTS.>> HE'S BEING PRACTICAL.

>> CHRIS: JERRY.

>> YEAH, THEY MAKE SHAQ BUY APARTICULAR FOR HIS CONDOM.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NEXT ONE, HOW ABOUT THISFIRST CLASS TRAVELER.

APRIL.

>> YOU GUYS, HE JUST WANTSTO MAKE IT HOME IN TIME TO

OD WITH HIS FAMILY FORCHRISTMAS.

THAT'S SAD.

>> FUNNY.

>>CHRIS: POINTS. YEP.

AND FINALLY, THIS PERSON.

JERRY?

>> HE'S GOING TO TAKE OFFICEAS THE MAYOR OF FUNKY TOWN.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT

GAME, NORMAL DAY IN RUSSUA.

NORMAL DAY IN RUSSIA.

A NORMAL DAY IN RUSSIA IS ASYBREDDIT DEDICATED EXCLUSIVELY

TO VIDEOS AND LIFE IN RUSSIADEPICTED A TERRIFYING

DYSTOPIAN LANDSCAPE THATSOMETIMES HAS BEARS.

SO I WANT TO TELL YOU THENAME OF THE REDDIT POST AND

FOR 250 POINTS I WANT YOU TOTELL ME WHAT WE SEE WHEN WE

CLICK ON IT, ALL RIGHT.

FIRST ONE, THE THREAT CALLEDROUTINE TRAFFIC STOP IN

RUSSIA.

WILL WE SEE A SOVIET ERATANK CRUSHING A PRIUS THAT

ROLLED THROUGH A STOP SIGNOR AN IMPATIENT TRAFFIC COP

PUNCHES IN THE DRIVERS SIDEWINDOW.

YES, JERRY.

>> TRAFFIC COP PUNCHES INTHE WINDOW.

>> CHRIS: MAN, I HOPE SO LET'SFIND OUT.

>> OH!>> OH MY GOD!

(LAUGHTER)

>> MAN.

>> CHRIS: IT DOESN'T DIMINISH.

>> IT'S NOT-- >> CHRIS: NEXT ONE.

THIS POST IS CALLEDTAKING OUT THE TRASH.

WILL WE SEE AN EDMONTONERLYMAN CASUALLY DUMPING HIS

WASTE BASKET INTO THEOUT OFA BEAR AR A TREE CRUSHING A

WOMAN AS HE THROWS AWAY GARBAGE.

MOSHE.

>> THE TREE, IT'S GOTTA BETHE TREE.

>> CHRIS: GOT TO BE THE TREE.

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> OH!

>> CHRIS: IT'S ALL GOOD.

>> SHE IS JUST CHILLING! OH MYGOD!

>> CHRIS: STILL GOT A JOB TO DO.

>> IT'S ALL GOOD.

>> THAT LADY.

SEND THAT LADY OUT TO FIGHTCRIME OR SOMETHING.

THAT'S LIKE BRUCE WILLISUNBREAKABLE STUFF, LIKE --

>> IN SOVIET RUSSIA GARBAGETAKES YOU.

>> YEAH.

>>CHRIS: I THINK-- I THINKSOMEONE NEEDS TO ADD I AM GROOT.

NEXT ONE, THIS POST ISCALLED HEY, CHECK OUT HOW

DEEP THIS SNOW IS.

WILL WE SEE A TUNNEL IN THESNOW THAT SEEMS TO GO ON

FOREVER UNTIL AN ANGRY WOLFAPPEARS ON A MAN JUMPING OFF

A FOUR-STORY BUILDING INTO ASNOW DRIFT JUST TO SCARE HIS

NEIGHBOR. -- YES JERRY.

>> HE IS GOING TO JUMP OFFTHAT BUILDING INTO A SNOW

DRIFT.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

LET US FIND OUT, COMERADS.

>> OH DAMN.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: WHOA!

>> I GUESS RUSSIA IS SO FARHINE THEY'RE JUST NOW

GETTING JACKASS. JUST NOWGETTING JACKASS ON TV.

>> CHRIS: 100 POINTS FOR APRILRICHARDSON FOR THAT.

AS WE JUMP TO OUR NEXT GAME.

DOES ANYBODY ELSE-- THESUBREDDIT, DOES ANYBODY ELSE,

IS A PLACE FOR PEOPLE TO POSTTHEIR WEIRD HABITS, CONFESSIONS

OR SEXUAL PROCLIVITIES TO SEEIF ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE IS

OCD, GUILT RIDDELLED ORDERANGED AS THEY MIGHT BE.

FOR EXAMPLE SOME REAL, DOESANYBODY ELSE POSTER LIKE,

DOES ANYBODY ELSE LIKE TOKEEP A SCAB FOR A LITTLE

WHILE AFTER YOU PICK IT.

OR DOES ANYBODY ELSE GETNAKED WHEN THEY GIVE THEIR

DOG A SHOWER?

I MEAN, COME ON, NO ONEWOULD ACTUALLY DO THAT,

RIGHT WHO WOULD ACTUALLY DOTHAT.

>> OH.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: ACTUALLY -- THIS --

I THINK-- I THINK THIS ALSOAPPEARED ON THE SUB REDDIT

r/GUESS WHAT I JUST PULLED OUTOF MY ASS.

>> DON'T TALK ABOUT PABLO LIKETHAT.

SHOUT OUT TO PABLO, MY DAWG.

>> CHRIS: I WOULD LIKE YOU TOGIVE ME AS MANY OF YOUR WEIRD

DAEs AS YOU CAN.

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS OP THECLOCK AND GO.

MOSHE.

>> DOES ANYONE ELSE MASTURBATETO RERUNS OF SINGLED OUT,

SHIPMATES, AND TALKING DEAD?

>>CHRIS: YES.

I DO. POINTS.

APRIL.

>> DOES ANYBODY ELSE TAKEOFF THEIR PANTS AS SOON AS

THEY WALK IN THE DOOR?

>> CHRIS: YES.

(APPLAUSE)

>> HOME, HOME IS WHERE THE PANTSAREN'T.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

MOSHE.

>> DOES ANYBODY ELSE NOTKNOW WHICH GOLDEN GIRL THEY

WOULD [BLEEP] FIRST?

>> CHRIS: YEAH, BLANCHDEVEREAUX, RIGHT OFF THE BAT.

POINTS. YES, MOSHE.

>> DISANYONE ELSE PLAN ONCIRCUMCISING THEIR CHILDREN

NO MATTER WHAT GENDER THEYARE.

>> CHRIS: YES POINTS. APRIL --OH, JERRY.

>> DOES ANYBODY ELSE MISSGILL MORE GIRLS.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, OKAY, POINTS.JERRY MINOR.

>> IS ANYBODY ELSE TURNED ON BYX-RATED SIMPSONS CARTOONS.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS. MOSHE.

>> AN BEEHIVES LIKE MARCHSIMPSON.

>> CHRIS: YES.>> YES, YES, YES.

>> DOES ANYBODY ELSE WONDERWHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE

YOUNGEST DAUGHTER ON FAMILYMATTERS.

I DID, I RESEARCHED IT.

SHE DID PORN.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.