Black, Sirof, Rothenberg, Wilson, Smith, Stout, Bowman

  • Season 2, Ep 0207
  • 05/24/2007

Yeah, I'm, uh, your host,which is, uh...

(laughter)which, uh, it's unusual

that they would make methe host,

'cause the host is supposedto be nice,

and I'm a ....

And then, the hosthas to smile a lot.

Uh, no.

Uh... that's...You know what it's like?

I got to...(goofy chuckling)

I don't need it.I don't need it!


You have, um, six, uh, reallygreat comics this evening,

and, uh, you're infor a really good time.

And for those of youwatching at home,

uh, don't even...don't even go

and try to t-t-touchyour little changer,

because you want to stayright here,

'cause any other channelthat you go to

will suck the life out of you.


I've, uh... I've been spendinga lot of time in casinos,

uh, because apparently I havea gambling problem, and...

But I have learnedsomething important

to pass on to you

about how to deal with-withcasinos when you're there.

Uh, go, get a hundred dollarsin quarters when you arrive,

and then go to your room,lock the door,

go to the bathroomand lock the door,

and then take the quarters andflush them one by one by one.

And the nice thing about that

is, every so oftenthe toilet'll back up

and you will feel like a winner!




That was really...

I know, the excitementis palpable.

(grunting):Uh, uh... uh!


Just recently, the biggest newshas been, uh,

the Veterans Administrationcan't get the proper care

to the troops who are returning,

and those who are disabledaren't getting their checks,

sometimes as longas for two years.

And-And, um, President Bush said

he was gonna establisha commission--

this'll be the 50th commissionto deal with this--

to study whythis isn't happening.

And-And, uh,

uh, I... can tell you,

uh, why it's not happening.

It's 'cause...

they're not mailing the checks!


And they don't have

enough doctors, ass (bleep)!

So take the moneyfrom the study... (blabbers)

and hire a doctor!


The V.A.-- in orderto get a disabled check

if you're disabled-- the V.A.

doesn't have computers!

It's paperwork!

What century am I in?!

Are you kidding me?!

How is it possible?!

I can access three millionvaginas in two minutes...



...and they

can't get the checkto the veteran on time?

the Democratsand the Republicans,

with alternative energy--that's working out really well.

I can guarantee,in your lifetime...

you ain't gonna see it.

I've waited 35 years for someform of alternative energy.

And we could have any kind ofalternative energy we want. Why?

'Cause we'rethe greatest country on Earth.

Except when it comesto getting (bleep) done.

We, uh, how... we could havefairy dust if we wanted it.

We have iPods, for God's sake.

We have iPods!

We made an iPod!

'Kay? And we can't have solarenergy, not even in Las Vegas,

where the sun is a footfrom your head?


Well, if you ask any congressmanwhy we don't have solar energy,

they go, "'Cause it's too hard.

It makes me squeeze my pee-peeso I don't poo-poo."


"We don't have solar energy

"'cause the sun goes awayeach day

and it doesn't tell youwhere it's going."


We could have any kindof energy we want.

All you have to do is gather upall those scientists

who know exactly, um,what they're after,

and-and, uh, and allthose graduate students

who've done nothingbut study it,

and you lock them intoa warehouse,

and you surround themwith the National Guard,

and you tell them they bettercome up with something

or we'll kill 'em.


That's my idea, and that's...



That's the kind of idea I havethat, uh, makes it impossible

for me to be Presidentof the United States.

not very fun times at all,

and, uh, actually,any newspaper in the country,

when you wake upand read it every morning,

it's just exhausting.

Especially the New York Times.

Anyone who's watching--any of you here--

if you read just the headlinesof the New York Times--

you don't even have to readthe article--

for a year, um...

uh, y-you'll actually geta-a hemorrhoid.


And I believe thatevery paper in the country

should have one headline

that, when you read it,it just... it changes your...

you laugh so hardyou can't stand it.

It has to be that way.

A headline-- what abouta headline like this?

"Hippo Eats Dwarf."


How good is that?

You read that headlineand you immediately

close the paper, and say, "Wow,it's gonna be a great day."


You don't even read the article,'cause you want

to think about it--Wow, I wonder how it happened?

Oh, look, he's hiding behind

a banyan tree.

Here comes the hippo.

Run, little man, run!

Oh, all that's leftare his tiny shoes.


I told you,I'm a strange choice as a host.


Let me smile.


All right, headed your way,

amazing comicson the show tonight.

Right now you got me.

The geek. How's it going?

Yeah, the geek-- I heardthe whispers. (bleep) you guys.

Not cool. I can hear you.

That's all right,I know I'm a geek.

I'm okay with it.

Let's look at the facts--I'm six feet tall,

120 pounds, can't seewithout the welding goggles.

(laughter)Not to mention,

I'm a grown man and completelyobsessed with Star Wars.

I'm a geek.

But you know what?I'm not a nerd.

And there is a difference.Allow me to explain.

You see, a geek is the kindof person that'll stand in line

to see the midnight premiereof the new Harry Potter movie.

(woman whoops)That's me.Yeah, that's how I roll.

What's up, ladies?

(laughter)Now, a nerd isthe kind of person who goes

to the midnight premiereof the new Harry Potter movie

dressed like Harry Potter.

And that (bleep)is pathetic, right?

What's up with those losers?

I don't get the wholedressing-up thing.

Yeah, I like Star Wars-- I don't need

to put on a Darth Vader costumeto prove it.

I'm a big fan of Buddy Holly--

you don't see me dressing uplike the guy.

(laughter)'Cause that would be sad, right?

I consider myself to be

a pretty smart guy-- I gotthe glasses and everything.

But I'm easily confused--I'll give you

an example of whatI'm talking about.

I keep seeing this commercialon television,

it just baffles me--maybe you've seen it.

It's an ad for Ex-Lax--it's about this chick,

she's all bummed out'cause she's constipated

and can't hang outwith her friends.

That makes no sense,right, ladies?

You're constipated, so you can't hang out with your fr...?

I'm trying to picture myselfin that situation.

I'm, like, "Phil,what's happening, dude?

"Uh, nope, can't kick it today.

I got to stay homeand not take a (bleep)."


"Yup, kind of an all-day projectI'm working on over here."

It makes no...

Look at you guys-- most of youare not (bleep)

right now, and you're fine.

about four years ago.

Anyone else herethrow away their lives young?

I joke, but I'm a romanticat heart, I really am.

As a matter of fact,our anniversary

is coming up pretty soon--I'm still trying

to figure outwhat to do for her.

I want to think of somethingreally cool,

'cause I'm trying to toplast year's present.

Last year I did somethingreally special.

I took our wedding rings,and I had them engraved.

"Jacob and Sherry,always and forever."

WOMAN: Aw...Well, that's what hers says.

Mine says "No fat chicks."

So, ladies...

consider yourselves warned.

It's a joke. I love fat chicks.

Where the fat girls at tonight?Make some noise, big ladies.


That's cool. I saw some of you.

But that's all right,you're embarrassed.

No problem.Talk to me after the show.

I can't be with a skinny girl.

Look at me--we'd start a fire.

Not sexy.

And illegal.

And pretty unsafe.

My wife and I hada long talk recently.

We decided we don't wantto have any kids.

And then we decidedwe probably should've

had that talk before we had one.


We had our first two years ago.

On New Year's Eve.

New Year's Eve--that's her real birthday.

That's a rockin' birthday,right, man?

Yeah, kind of (bleep)any New Year's plans

I might've had for the restof my life, but whatever.

Kids can be selfish.

And we didn't even plan it;it wasn't a planned pregnancy.

And my wife,she still blames me.

She's always, like, "You didn'tpull out that one time.

Remember,you forgot to pull out?"

I'm, like, "You know what?

"You didn't pull away, bitch.

"You saw that look on my face--

"you know exactlywhat that means.

"Either I've gotan ice cream headache

"or it's baby time.

"You need to start taking alittle bit more responsibility

for your actions, girlfriend."

It's disappointing-- you know,you think you know somebody.

You guys married?

Nope? Just (bleep)?Right on.

Anyone here married? Anybody?

(whooping, clapping)Cool, all right.

I'm still having a specificissue adjusting to married life.

Maybe you can help me, sir--are you having trouble

finding time to masturbate?

I'll take that as a yes.

And I appreciate your honesty,I really do.

A lot of guys give me this"I don't need to masturbate"--

especially the married guys--"I don't need to masturbate,"

which is bull (bleep), right?

I've never masturbated'cause I needed to,

I do it 'cause I want to.

Masturbation is a choice,it's a lifestyle choice.

Just like being gayor handicapped.

But once you're married...

(laughter)once you're married, there'sno window anymore, right?

'Cause she's always (bleep)there.

Well, I came up with what Ithought was a pretty good idea.

I'm, like, I'm gonna start(bleep) in the shower.

Genius, I figured.She'll never catch me in there.

And it was working outpretty well, too,

until they took awaymy gym membership, but...

(laughter)I made some friends for lifeat that gym.

And that's something Curvescan never take away from me.

You guys have been great.My name's Jacob Sirof.

Good night.

Oh, my God, hi.

You. Wow.

This is awesome, this is exci...

I love coming to New York,

except I-I missedtherapy this week to be here

and it's like a problem for me.

I'm kinda off.Like, I have some issues

I need to get off my chest.

For instance...

I think my wifeis unsatisfied in bed,

because she said to me,

"I'm unsatisfied in bed,"

and I pick upon those things, you know?

It was the specificwords she chose

that kinda got my attention.

And I asked her why,

and she told methat I rush in too much.

Which is ridiculous becauseI have a system of foreplay

that's really smooth.

Okay, check this out.

We get into the bedroom.

I dim the lights.

And we start offwith a little bit of (bleep).

Know what I'm talking about?

You know, just to kindaget in the mood.

You need that.

And then...

We're done.


Thank you. I know, it's hot.


which has brought meto some interesting places.

The biggest example of that is

when I was in my 20s,

I moved to San Franciscoand went through a gay phase.


before you jumpto any conclusions,

when I say "gay phase,"

I mean I datedand slept with men.

So relax.

Okay, this isexactly what happened.

Yeah, I moved to San Franciscowith my best friend.

Shortly after we got there,

Timmy told methat he was into guys

so I started hanging out,like in the gay neighborhood,

which, as you know,this is, you know, Chelsea,

it's kind of a hipand exciting place,

and this is whatI didn't expect.

I got hit on a lot.

Gay men willmake you feel pretty.

Dude, I-I felt like a rock star.

Because, unlike women,who... they never

look you in the eye,and they wait

for you to makethe first move,

guys just, like, lock on you.

The first guy I sawin San Francisco was like...


Even his dog is sitting there...


I'm like,

"Oh, my God, man,I feel attractive."

I got to ride on a float.

Man, I found a facialmoisturizer that worked.

The only thing is,as it turns out,

if you wanna be a partof the gay club,

you gotta be attracted to men.

I-I-I didn't think about that.

Basically, my point is,

there's a lot of gay things,

you know, that we all enjoy.

We can all do the "YMCA"every once in a while.

But you needto consider the things

that only gay people like.




That... see, that's whereyou'll find your answer.

Now, if there's any guys in here

who are confusedabout their sexuality,

do the ball test.

Just say to yourself,


how do I feel about them?"

And believe me,the answers will come,

because there is no middleground with balls.

There is no "I can livewith some balls

every Wednesday or Friday."

No, it's yes or no.

I-I-I want to address,like, the one question

that everybody seems to have.

Like, there's one act,

in regard to my walkon the gay side,

that everybody wantsto know if I did. Okay?

And I will answerthat question for you.

In the form of a poem.

The poem is entitled,



(deep breath)Ahh...


"Dude, I'm serious.

"I changed my mind.


"Don't pretend likeyou can't hear me.

You lied to me."

Okay, it's a work in progress.

Let, let me just say this.

I-I have likethe deepest respect

for men-- and women--

that are into that.

Like wow.

I don't get it.

I-I started to cry.

It's true. And looking back,

that was the embarrassingthing, you know.

That I was sucha (bleep) about it.

I just wanted to getthis out in the open--

I see we got a lotof couples are here,

and I just want to lety'all know, I hate couples.

That's right.As a matter of fact,

(bleep) y'all,I hope y'all break up.


That's right, I hate newcouples, that's what I hate.

Old couples I respect.

You been with somebodyten years, I respect that.

It's the new love I don't like,with all the car door opening

and kissing and touching

and dating, 'cause that's bull(bleep). You know.

Everybody here know real loveis when you don't give a damn

about each other,you know what I'm talking about?

You saw your parents.

Real love is when you live

in a house with somebody

and y'all don't even speak,just be walking,

"Look at this stupid,can't even...

Don't clean upafter yourself or nothing."

"You gonna pick the kids up?"

"Bitch, I did it yesterday!"

That's love.


My grandparents been togetherover 60 years.

Don't clap--they hate each other.

Every time my grandmammawalk in a room, my granddaddy

be like, "(bleep) damn it,she's still alive."


Get me around oneof them new couples,

you know, when your friends

when they get a newrelationship, and when they get

on your nerves, 'cause I don'tgive a damn what you talk about,

somehow they're gonna flip it

into a conversationabout their new love.

That's how my roommate--I swear,

you could not make this up.

We was watching the news.

I'm like, "Look at thesetornadoes, man.

"That's terrible, man.

"These people lostall their stuff.

My heart goes out to them."

And he was like, "Boy, that'swhy I'm glad I'm with Pam."

I was like, "What the (bleep)does that have to do...?"

"...with a trailer park,you selfish..."

And they have sexall the time, you know.

That's what new couples do.They just do it

all the..."You want to do it?"


You know.They don't know no better.

Do you know how hard it isto watch the Lakers game

when you hear somebodyin the other room having sex?

I'm sitting there tryingto watch the Lakers game.

All I hear is...


I'm like, "(bleep ) damnhe is in that (mumbling)."

I'm trying to watch the game,

but I'm turning the TV downso I can listen, like...

I caught myself repeatingeverything the girl said.

She's like, "Oh, Daddy!"

I was like, "Oh, Daddy."

I'm watching the gamein rhythm with them, like,

"This game is good as hell,boy, I tell you."


By the time they was finished,I was sitting on the couch

sweating and smokinga cigarette like...

Pam walked by, I was like,"You gonna call us?"


I love that girlright there, you know.

The real reasonI hate couples is that

me and my lady just broke up,so, you know...(sympathetic moans)

No, don't "aww..." It wasn'ta bad breakup.

We was at different pointsin our life,

you know.It was time to move on.

There was a littleage difference.

You know. She was, um...

19, I'm (mumbles).

Oh (bleep), y'all, it was love.Don't judge me.

We was just at different points.

I'm at the point in my life

where I want to sit at home,watch Law and Order,

do some grownup-folk stuff,you know what I'm talking about?

You know, and she wantedto hang out with her friends,

party every night,stay out till 2:00, 3:00, 4:00,

getting drunk, come home, try towake me up out of good sleep

trying to have sex.


And I knew it wastime to break up

when I was getting madabout getting laid.

That's when a relationshipis over, you know.

She's out in the clubpartying with the girls.

I'm at home in the bedwaiting on her like,

"Watch her come backand try and touch me.

"I'm gonna cuss her ass out.


"I'm sick of this (bleep).

"You ain't gonna keep using me.

I am somebody, (bleep) damn it.I'm not gonna wait no..."

That's why, I hear the truck

pull up, I knowshe coming home.

I'll be like this--"Shh-shh. Watch this.

"I'm gonna act like I'm asleep.

"You better nottouch me either.

"Watch this. Watch this.

Here she comes. Shh-shh-shh."

That's it. She justcome in the room drunk

walk right by me,don't even touch me,

just get into bed.That's when I get confused

and mad and be like,"Where the (bleep) was you at

"that you don't wannatouch nobody?

You cheating on me?"

Man, I'm sleepy, man,

I ain't gettingno sleep. I'm tired.

I can't be up herelong, you know.

Gotta get some... I gotta getsome sleep, you know,

'cause you all knowsleep is important,

especially when we start gettinga little older, you know.

You know sleep is importantwhen you start talking

to your friendsabout it like it's sex.

It'll be Sunday morning.

Your friend's like,"Man, what you do last night?"

You be like, "Man, I gotsome sleep last night."



"Man, I tore that bed up.

"I slept in every position.

"I slept so good

"my bed called me at work today.

"Talking about,'Come home, take a nap.'"

Thank you very much, Gotham.

I'm out of here.

♪ (cheering, applause)

I get to be the token chickon the show.

(laughter)I do.

People are weirdabout women comics.

I told this guy the other nightthat I was a comedian.

He was, like,"What are you, gay?"

I was, like, "Holy (bleep), no,

I don't even likelicking stamps."


Maybe, if they wereself-adhesive or something.


(scattered laughter)

My mom called the other day,she called the other day,

and we got to reminiscing aboutwhat a ray of sunshine I was

when I was 16 years old, right?

My parents would take mecamping-- that was their thing

they liked to do.

I'm an only child--there was just more time

for us to stare at each other.

And they never took me, like,wilderness camping.

They never did that--they always took me

to some campgroundsomewhere, and...

I don't know if you guyshave ever been

to a campground or not,but it's pretty much

a bunch of people who don't live in a trailer park

yet like to vacation there.


Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

A lot of Spuds McKenzieT-shirts.


A lot of drunken retireeseverywhere.

I used to try to fit in,that's what I did.

I just tried... I just kind ofhung out with everybody else

in some lot somewhere,like, "What?!

"Ed caught 40 bluegill?


"Oh, well, pass the dirtyketchup-- this is livin'!

"Yeah. I wonder whatthe poor people are doing.

I don't even know." Yeah.

Yeah. The only thing I likedabout camping was the fact that

you could be drunkand have dirty feet,

and you still had a pretty goodchance of hooking up.

(laughter)I like that, you know.

That's a good vacation. Right?

Give me my good flip-flops--we're going to the rec center.

That is a...that is a good time.

The last show I did,

it was a benefit showfor cheerleaders.

Ha! Holy (bleep), right?

What are we raising money for,less pants or more ...?

Which is it? Right?

Couldn't we have just hireda band?


They later told me thatthe cheerleaders were actually

having a benefit showfor cancer. Okay?

Not a particular type of cancer,just cancer.

Which is great, 'cause it'sjust like cheerleaders

to think they can cure cancerby spelling it real loud.

Right? Right?

Give me a "K"!I love those girls.

I love 'em.

Yeah. I usuallyjust blow pot smoke at 'em

till they cry, but... turns out

that's illegal.

Can't do that. Mm-hmm.

I don't really have anythingagainst cheerleaders, though,

I guess, you know.

I don't even knowwhat they do, really.

I think they make

a lot of signsout of glitter and glue.

Right? There's a lot of eyelinerand puffy paint.

It's like a slutty kindergarten,that's what it's like.


I don't really get along withgirls to begin with, though.

Right? Okay.

Like, I got one good girlfriend,

and the rest are pretty muchthe sacrificial lambs.

I'll talk about 'emall day long.

I don't give a (bleep).I do not care.

I used to workin an office, though.

So I got really good

at fake liking girls.

I got good at that, you know?

Just come in every day, like,

"Hey, Cathy, how's it going?"

Hope you chokeon that fork, bitch.


I hated every single one of 'em.

Yeah. They started it.

(laughter)Well, they did.

They hated me first,'cause I wouldn't go

to their stupid happy hoursand ladies' nights

and candle parties.

God! I don't even like you--why would I go over

to your house and order (bleep)from your imaginary store?


I don't want to do that.

They got me to go toa dance club with them one time.

That's gay.

All girls do at dance clubsis complain about it

the whole time they're there.

Like, every five minutes,they were back at the table,

like, "Oh, my God!

"There's some guy out there,and he's totally dancing on me

like this."

"Oh, yeah? Yeah?

Well, you might want to quitdancing like this, then."



I hated that job.

I made Web sites there.

That's what I did. Yeah.

Which, in termsof artistic integrity

is, like, one notch aboveair-brushing wilderness scenes

on the sideof Ford Conversion vans.


I had the worst boss ever there.

Worst. His name was Lou.

Which, ironically,

spelled backwards is...



(applause)I know.

a prologue to whatI'm about to do here tonight,

I have to tell you,

when I'm on stage,I enjoy a, uh,

very specific type of laugh...

much more thanany other type of laugh.

My favorite laughin the whole wide world

is this laugh.

(quiet, sustained groan)

(quiet chuckle)

It's kind of a..."I support this, but not...

uh, publicly."


It's the same kind of laughthat I'm sure happens,

like, if you see someone,anyone,

like, fall down the stairs.


At the battered women's shelter.

Did you feel the difference?That's the laugh!

I love that laugh.

What happens with that laugh is,uh, is, like,

down here in this placeof sadness and human empathy,

you go, "Oh,somebody's getting hurt?

That's not good."


And then up in this place...of, like, logic and context,

you go, "Well, that's, uh...

perfect... somehow."

"I would like to laugh

"out loud at that,but I think other people here

might judge me."

So I guess what I'm saying is

that during my portionof the show,

or if you ever see stand-upcomedy ever again in your lives,

if you find yourself, um,angry or... or offended

by a joke, what's happening is,what's happening is

you're coming too muchfrom this place

down here... and that up here,


you're stupid.

So please, do the work, crowd,that's all I'm asking.

You have a job, too.

Do you think it takes less timefor a midget to freeze to death

than an average-sizehuman being? Does it?

It takes less time to thaw,I'll give you that. Uh...

Because they fitin the microwave.

But nonetheless...

(laughter)People think I have

I think America has

a sick sense of humor,I think we always have.

Do you realize thatwhen we were attacked

at Pearl Harbor, the USS Arizona was bombed by the Japanese

at exactly 8:15 in the morning.

So when we dropped

the atomic bomb on Japan,

we dropped it exactly at 8:15.

Now, that's not just vengeance,all right?

That is sharpened mockery.

And I think the Japaneseare smart people,

stereotypically so.


And I know there was someoneon the island that morning...

they caught the irony.


Just some guy going to work,and then all of a sudden...

(chuckles):What is that?




Oh, America...!



Boy, is there eggon my face. Wow.

No, I'm melting. Ooh.


Oh, really? Down here.

There was a man gettingon my flight.

He only had one arm, just one.

This arm right herecompletely gone.

And I'm watching him get on theplane, and all I could think was

"Please let me sit next to him."


And I did.

Wrong side.

And believe me when I tell youhe fought for the armrest!

He fought for it!

We're quick to label.

We're very quick to labelas a country.

Like you steala few office supplies,

now all of a suddenyou're "unemployed."

You refused to pay for sex,now you're that "broke honky."

You forget to pull outone time

and now you're the "father."

I mean, really?

the only racial slur I useonstage.

That's the only one...

For whatever reason, like, a lotof white comics think it's

somehow, like, hipor edgy to get onstage

and use the "N" word.

I don't like that word.I've never liked that word.

I don't ever use it.

I don't even feel comfortablesaying "vinegar."


(laughter continues)

Take your time,explain it to a friend.

I don't care.

I feel like some people laughedand some people just went,

"That's good liberal thinking.We're never...

We're not using that word."

Our next presidentmight be black,

I think that's great.

Next president could be a woman,again, awesome.

I do think this country'svery hesitant

to elect a black presidentbecause of that old saying...

"Once you go black,you never go back."

And I think we're hesitantto elect a woman president

because of the even oldersaying, um... oh...

"A woman couldnever be president."


I hope you had a good time,everybody.

Hello, hello.

I, uh... move that over here.


I'm-I'm notobsessive-compulsive,

but I knowif that isn't right there,

uh, something really bad's goingto happen, so I...

Uh, one, two, three,one, two, three, one, two...

All right.

How long does Dick Clarkneed to be on TV?

Anybody, uh... is thereany time limit

that, uh, that's enoughfor Dick Clark?

You know, I remember sitting

in my grandfather's living room.

My grandfather-- who's beendead for 25 years--

I remember sittingin his living room

watching TV and him saying,

"That (bleep) damn Dick Clark'sbeen on TV for a hundred years."

But there he is. He needs it.

Did anybody here watch New Year's Rockin' Eve

out of a senseof morbid curiosity, as I did?

It's terrible.

You're all terrible people,and so am I.

We needed to seehow he would do it

because we knew he had a stroke!

So we wanted to seewhat would he do.

And there was a big controversybecause they

had to airbrush him in a picturenext to Ryan Seacrest.

Everybody, "Oh, my God!That's not Dick Clark!

He's airbrushed in there!"

He had a stroke,and then his publicist

came out,he's gonna do some spin.

He said, "Don't worryabout Dick Clark.

He's spent the last yearretraining himself how to talk."

I think that's evidence

that you've punchedyour show-business ticket.


Train yourself how to talk.

And there he wasin the countdown,

and they threw it to him.

And I tell you what,I'm sorry I watched it

because New Year's Eveis that one little time

when you getto suspend disbelief

that next year's gonna be crap!

You forget about it!

You look at the person,"Happy New Year."

You kiss 'em,you have a moment of happiness.

I don't want to be remindedat that precise moment

of my own mortality!

They threw it over.You hear the countdown?

They went, "Here's Dick Clarkfor the final countdown."

(garbled):"Five, four, three...

"two, one.

Happy New Year, Ryan Seafish!"

Oh, my God, oh, my God,here comes my stroke.


I-I don't care.

Uh-uh-uh,give him a reality show.

Make it amusing.

That's why I watch TV,to be amused.

You give him a reality show

where you, you train a monkeyhow to do basic household tasks,

and then you train Dick Clarkhow to do the same ones

and they race to see whoaccomplishes it first.

You call it, Monkey See, Dick Do. Like that.

it'd be entertaining.

That's what television's for.I can't get any information.

You watch the news,it's not news.

It's not meant to enlighten youor educate you.

It's a... it's a delivery systemfor commercials.

It's all decided by peoplesitting in study groups

and focus groups, and they sitwith green and red buttons.

Green: Anna Nicole, love it,love it, love it.

Mm, Darfur, mm, no,no, no, no, no, no.

So that's how they decide it.

How they can sell adult diapersand PoliGrip

and whatever the hellthey're selling.

You can't get any information.

I can't even getthe newspaper anymore

and get information.That's where I used to get it.

Now they have to editorializeeverything.

They have to sex it up!

Because they have stockholdersas well.

Editorializing in a headline.

I don't want to see a headlinethat says,

"Brutal Dictator Hanged."

Screw you.

"Dictator Hanged" is all I need.

Give me the restof the information.

I'll decidewhether he's brutal or not.

I don't need thatin the newspaper.

I saw another one,"Mountain Climber Found.

Tragic Results."


Not to me.


If you're out climbing mountainsin this day and age,

you're a (bleep) head.

Mountain climbing, it's anarchaic pursuit, uh, uh, that

used to be necessary becausepeople had to chart maps and

tell us what was up on top ofthat mountain. We didn't know.

People say, "Well, I climb itbecause it's there,

like Sir Edmund Hillary." Well,I tell you what. He was smart.

If he would have had ahelicopter, he would have flown

up there, he'd have lookedaround, he would have come back

down and said, "Hey, there isn'tany (bleep) we need up there."

And that would have beenthe end of it.

You have too much moneyand too much time

if you're climbing mountains.

And not only that, nowthey don't even have

to be goodat climbing mountains.

You used to have to study andthink, "What will happen to me

"if I get into an avalanche orif I'm caught in this blizzard

that's so badthat I can't move?"

Now they have beacons, they justgo, "♪ La, la-la, la-la

Oh, it's snowing. Somebody comeget me. Come get me!"


People say, "Oh, I do it out ofrespect for the mountain."

Yeah, I'm sure the mountainloves you

and your granola bar wrappers,your defecation every 15 feet.

Oh, I'm sure the mountain missesyou when you go away.

You got some amateurs up thereand they're wandering around.

Selfish bastards,they're up there

they get lost,and the snow came,

they turned on their beacon.

And then the rescue people,who are supposed to save people

who have been caught in someterrible circumstance,

accidental or from nature,they're not available.

Now they have to climbthe mountain and look for you.

And in the meantime,I'm driving around drunk,

I run into a telephone pole.

There's nobody there that knowshow to run the Jaws of Life!