Lewis Black proposes new headlines for newspaper articles, and Ryan Stout describes Americans' sick sense of humor.
Yeah, I'm, uh, your host,which is, uh...
(laughter)which, uh, it's unusual
that they would make methe host,
'cause the host is supposedto be nice,
and I'm a ....
And then, the hosthas to smile a lot.
Uh... that's...You know what it's like?
I got to...(goofy chuckling)
I don't need it.I don't need it!
You have, um, six, uh, reallygreat comics this evening,
and, uh, you're infor a really good time.
And for those of youwatching at home,
uh, don't even...don't even go
and try to t-t-touchyour little changer,
because you want to stayright here,
'cause any other channelthat you go to
will suck the life out of you.
I've, uh... I've been spendinga lot of time in casinos,
uh, because apparently I havea gambling problem, and...
But I have learnedsomething important
to pass on to you
about how to deal with-withcasinos when you're there.
Uh, go, get a hundred dollarsin quarters when you arrive,
and then go to your room,lock the door,
go to the bathroomand lock the door,
and then take the quarters andflush them one by one by one.
And the nice thing about that
is, every so oftenthe toilet'll back up
and you will feel like a winner!
That was really...
I know, the excitementis palpable.
(grunting):Uh, uh... uh!
Just recently, the biggest newshas been, uh,
the Veterans Administrationcan't get the proper care
to the troops who are returning,
and those who are disabledaren't getting their checks,
sometimes as longas for two years.
And-And, um, President Bush said
he was gonna establisha commission--
this'll be the 50th commissionto deal with this--
to study whythis isn't happening.
uh, I... can tell you,
uh, why it's not happening.
they're not mailing the checks!
And they don't have
enough doctors, ass (bleep)!
So take the moneyfrom the study... (blabbers)
and hire a doctor!
The V.A.-- in orderto get a disabled check
if you're disabled-- the V.A.
doesn't have computers!
What century am I in?!
Are you kidding me?!
How is it possible?!
I can access three millionvaginas in two minutes...
can't get the checkto the veteran on time?
the Democratsand the Republicans,
with alternative energy--that's working out really well.
I can guarantee,in your lifetime...
you ain't gonna see it.
I've waited 35 years for someform of alternative energy.
And we could have any kind ofalternative energy we want. Why?
'Cause we'rethe greatest country on Earth.
Except when it comesto getting (bleep) done.
We, uh, how... we could havefairy dust if we wanted it.
We have iPods, for God's sake.
We have iPods!
We made an iPod!
'Kay? And we can't have solarenergy, not even in Las Vegas,
where the sun is a footfrom your head?
Well, if you ask any congressmanwhy we don't have solar energy,
they go, "'Cause it's too hard.
It makes me squeeze my pee-peeso I don't poo-poo."
"We don't have solar energy
"'cause the sun goes awayeach day
and it doesn't tell youwhere it's going."
We could have any kindof energy we want.
All you have to do is gather upall those scientists
who know exactly, um,what they're after,
and-and, uh, and allthose graduate students
who've done nothingbut study it,
and you lock them intoa warehouse,
and you surround themwith the National Guard,
and you tell them they bettercome up with something
or we'll kill 'em.
That's my idea, and that's...
That's the kind of idea I havethat, uh, makes it impossible
for me to be Presidentof the United States.
not very fun times at all,
and, uh, actually,any newspaper in the country,
when you wake upand read it every morning,
it's just exhausting.
Especially the New York Times.
Anyone who's watching--any of you here--
if you read just the headlinesof the New York Times--
you don't even have to readthe article--
for a year, um...
uh, y-you'll actually geta-a hemorrhoid.
And I believe thatevery paper in the country
should have one headline
that, when you read it,it just... it changes your...
you laugh so hardyou can't stand it.
It has to be that way.
A headline-- what abouta headline like this?
"Hippo Eats Dwarf."
How good is that?
You read that headlineand you immediately
close the paper, and say, "Wow,it's gonna be a great day."
You don't even read the article,'cause you want
to think about it--Wow, I wonder how it happened?
Oh, look, he's hiding behind
a banyan tree.
Here comes the hippo.
Run, little man, run!
Oh, all that's leftare his tiny shoes.
I told you,I'm a strange choice as a host.
Let me smile.
All right, headed your way,
a prologue to whatI'm about to do here tonight,
I have to tell you,
when I'm on stage,I enjoy a, uh,
very specific type of laugh...
much more thanany other type of laugh.
My favorite laughin the whole wide world
is this laugh.
(quiet, sustained groan)
It's kind of a..."I support this, but not...
It's the same kind of laughthat I'm sure happens,
like, if you see someone,anyone,
like, fall down the stairs.
At the battered women's shelter.
Did you feel the difference?That's the laugh!
I love that laugh.
What happens with that laugh is,uh, is, like,
down here in this placeof sadness and human empathy,
you go, "Oh,somebody's getting hurt?
That's not good."
And then up in this place...of, like, logic and context,
you go, "Well, that's, uh...
"I would like to laugh
"out loud at that,but I think other people here
might judge me."
So I guess what I'm saying is
that during my portionof the show,
or if you ever see stand-upcomedy ever again in your lives,
if you find yourself, um,angry or... or offended
by a joke, what's happening is,what's happening is
you're coming too muchfrom this place
down here... and that up here,
So please, do the work, crowd,that's all I'm asking.
You have a job, too.
Do you think it takes less timefor a midget to freeze to death
than an average-sizehuman being? Does it?
It takes less time to thaw,I'll give you that. Uh...
Because they fitin the microwave.
(laughter)People think I have
I think America has
a sick sense of humor,I think we always have.
Do you realize thatwhen we were attacked
at Pearl Harbor, the USS Arizona was bombed by the Japanese
at exactly 8:15 in the morning.
So when we dropped
the atomic bomb on Japan,
we dropped it exactly at 8:15.
Now, that's not just vengeance,all right?
That is sharpened mockery.
And I think the Japaneseare smart people,
And I know there was someoneon the island that morning...
they caught the irony.
Just some guy going to work,and then all of a sudden...
(chuckles):What is that?
Boy, is there eggon my face. Wow.
No, I'm melting. Ooh.
Oh, really? Down here.
There was a man gettingon my flight.
He only had one arm, just one.
This arm right herecompletely gone.
And I'm watching him get on theplane, and all I could think was
"Please let me sit next to him."
And I did.
And believe me when I tell youhe fought for the armrest!
He fought for it!
We're quick to label.
We're very quick to labelas a country.
Like you steala few office supplies,
now all of a suddenyou're "unemployed."
You refused to pay for sex,now you're that "broke honky."
You forget to pull outone time
and now you're the "father."
I mean, really?
the only racial slur I useonstage.
That's the only one...
For whatever reason, like, a lotof white comics think it's
somehow, like, hipor edgy to get onstage
and use the "N" word.
I don't like that word.I've never liked that word.
I don't ever use it.
I don't even feel comfortablesaying "vinegar."
Take your time,explain it to a friend.
I don't care.
I feel like some people laughedand some people just went,
"That's good liberal thinking.We're never...
We're not using that word."
Our next presidentmight be black,
I think that's great.
Next president could be a woman,again, awesome.
I do think this country'svery hesitant
to elect a black presidentbecause of that old saying...
"Once you go black,you never go back."
And I think we're hesitantto elect a woman president
because of the even oldersaying, um... oh...
"A woman couldnever be president."
I hope you had a good time,everybody.