January 7, 2016 - Kim Jong-un's H-Bomb Test & Robotic Cops

  • 01/07/2016

North Korea's Kim Jong-un claims to have tested a hydrogen bomb, and Larry talks about Silicon Valley's crime-fighting robots with Hank Azaria, Mike Yard and Rory Albanese.

Yeah, baby!

Welcome to The Nightly Show.

I'm your host, Larry Wilmore,about to go into space

with Ben Carson, me and him,about to take a trip.

Lot of people don't know that.

I'm announcing it right nowon the show.

It's an inside joke.

You got to come see The Nightly Show...

-if you wanna...-(cheering, applause)

wanna get these jokes.

They all get it.

(laughing)

Oh, man, hey,tonight we're joined

by the manof a thousand voices--

Hank Azaria'sgonna be on the show.

-(cheering, applause)-Very funny.

And...

Funny and talented actorall in one package.

Um, oh, by the way,tonight some really good news

for people livingin the Big Apple.

New York CityMayor Bill de Blasio announced

a change in minimum wage.

NEWSMAN: Right now city workersmake at least $11.50 per hour,

but Mayor de Blasio announcedthey'll be making

a full $15 an hour by 2018.

2018, y'all!

-Yeah!-(whooping, applause)

2018!

Let me tell you something,$15 an hour

is gonna go a long wayin post-apocalyptic Trump-erica.

(laughter)

Could happen.Could happen.

(chuckling)

But look, this is big news.

So we thoughtwe'd talk to a city worker

and get her reaction to this.

So please welcomeNew York City crossing guard,

-Rosa Borquez.-Hi. -(cheering, applause)

Thank you, Larry.Hi, hi, hi.

Uh, so, Rosa,you must be excited

-about this wage increase.-Oh, absolutely.

The added incomeis gonna be life-changing.

My husband and kidsare so excited.

Yeah, I bet. What are yougonna spend it on first?

-New car? New computer?-Oh, no, no, no.

Actually something much better.

I can finally afford to live...

in North Delaware.

(whooping, applause)

Um... North Delaware?

-Well, where do you live now?-South Delaware.

-I'm moving 15 minutes up.-Wait, you live in Delaware?

But don't you workin New York City?

Well, yeah, but you don't getto liv in New York City

by working for New York City.

It's, like,a gajillion dollars a month

for a one-bedroom apartment--but, Larry,

with this raise I canfinally move closer to a state

that's adjacent to the state

that containsthe city I work in.

-I'm moving on up! Oh, yeah!-(whooping, applause)

-♪ Moving on up! -That's great.

For somebody's who's gettingthe raw end of the deal,

-you sound pretty excited.-Well, look, Larry,

when you are on the bottomof the economic strata,

nobody gives a (bleep)if you're unhappy.

-That's true.-I mean, look how long it took

just for people to start talkingabout the minimum wage.

So yeah, I'm happy.

I mean, I'm on TV.

♪ On the boob tube

♪ Basic cable

♪ All that I cannot afford

♪ Watching througha Best Buy window... ♪

You... you really seemto sing a lot.

Oh, yeah, Larry, my ultimatedream is to be on Broadway.

Oh, wow, really?Uh, you want to be in theater?

No, no, I wantto direct traffic on Broadway.

Oh. Rosa Borquez, everyone!

-(cheering, applause)-That's great, Rosa.

Now, our next story comesfrom North Korea,

the sun-splashed playgroundfor the rich.

The United States has a new

and powerful reason to worryabout North Korea.

The secretive nation claimsit successfully tested

its first hydrogen bomb.

Wow. Well,that definitely supersedes

my prior worryabout North Korea:

that Seth Rogen would makeanother movie about it.

(laughter)

This has been Larry Wilmore'sCatty Movie Comments

brought to you by Meow Mix.

Meow!

(cat meows)

(applause)

Rowr!

Now, these nuclear showdownsare often decided

by the personalitiesof the leaders involved.

During the Cuban Missile Crisis,

nuclear Armageddon was avoidedbecause President Kennedy

knew how to psychologicallywork Khrushchev.

And in the '80s,the Cold War ended in large part

because of the warm relationshipbetween Reagan and Gorbachev.

Relationships matter, you guys.

All right, so what do we know

about North Korea supreme leaderKim Jong-un?

We don't know muchabout the leader.

He's erratic,uh, he's inexperienced.

Uh, the most, uh, contactwe've had with him

is through Dennis Rodman.

(sighs)

We're doomed.

The United Statesis the richest,

most advanced nation on Earth.

How is our survivalin the hands of this guy?

Hey, guys, hey,

Dennis Rodmanwas on Celebrity Apprentice,

so if Trump becomes president,

Rodman's probablyour secretary of state.

-(audience groans)-No, it's true.

At the least,the department of the interior.

You know I'm not lyingabout that.

So we thoughthe'd be the best person

to talk to about this issue,so please welcome

former NBA starand Kim Jong-un BFF,

-Dennis Rodman, everybody.-Hi, how you doing?

What's up, Larry?Uh, uh...

-Hey, Dennis.-H-Hey, Larry, how you doing?

-How... yeah.-Yeah. Okay, so, uh,

first off,why are you hanging out

-with a maniac like Kim Jong-un?-O-oh, uh,

-now, hold on, Wilmore.-Okay.

Okay, 'cause Kim Jong, uh, uh,gets a lot of criticism.

-Well, he... -But he-he'sactually a normal guy.

-What? -Uh, he'ssup-super chill. Super chill.

Now, super chill.

Really? I mean, the perceptionis he's a brutal dictator.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Uh, h-he's like a lion

with a-with a thorn in his paw.

And you-you take out that thorn

and, uh, he's a pussycat.

Uh, yeah.

-That analogy makes nosense at all. -Oh, uh, no.

Look, the reports arethat he's completely unstable.

Uh, uh, you take it from me,Den-Dennis Rodman.

He-he's stable. He is...stable. Stable.

Oh, yeah. Stable.Uh, uh-huh.

Why should I take it from you?

-Oh... -You seem likea horrible judge of stable.

-Oh...-Okay?

(grunting)

I'm just saying.

Look, w-what have you guys...What do you do together?

Uh, every day he-he...

-uh, he announcesit's his birthday. -Uh-huh?

We go to, uh,

Pyongyang Denny's.

-Yeah, yeah.-Denny's?

Uh-huh, yeah.We-we eat, uh, for free.

-Uh-huh.-Free Moons Over My Hammy.

Uh, so, h-how...how you gonna hate that guy?

-How you gonna hate that guy?-This...

because it's classicdictator behavior.

Aw, you... Larry, you just focuson the negatives.

Okay?

There's a lot-a lotof positives.

L-Like what?

Like every timehe walks in the room

people stand up and they cheer.

And they... Who-who would dothat if he wasn't a nice guy?

Yeah.Who would... Yeah.

-That...-(audience laughing, cheering)

-Yeah.-No, no, no.

Thank you. Thank you.

They're worriedhe's gonna kill them all.

You are... you are a...you are a conspiracy theorist.

-I'm not a con...-You are.

Dennis, can you tell usanything about

North Korea's,uh, policy about...

Are you crying?

Please stop crying.

Look, I really don't know...

You're having, like,a nervous breakdown.

Should... should you be handlingsensitive nuclear issues?

Oh, no, no! I can do this.I can do this.

I'm the little enginethat could.

I think I can, I think I can.

Choo-choo, choo-choo, choo-choo,choo-choo, choo-choo...

Dennis, stop it.Stop it, Dennis.

-(grunts)-You're not a train.

-Oh... Oh.-With all due respect,

what experience do you havewith diplomacy?

-Oh, you want credentials?-Yes.

That's what you... O-Okay.

-Once, in the same,uh, 24-hour period... -Okay.

Let me just say this-- I sleptwith Carmen Electra

and the entire cast of Coach.

Including...including Jerry Van Dyke.

Okay, all right.

-Uh-huh. -This has been a huge,colossal waste of my time.

I-I was promised... cake.(laughs)

You were promised what?I got...

(laughs)

Why... why are you laughing?

Because we're gonnaget nuked, Larry. (laughs)

Okay, all right.

Dennis Rodman, everyone.We'll be right back.

This makes no sense.What are you saying?

Welcome back.

Now, you guys knowI'm a huge blerd, right?

And one blerdy thing I loveis robots.

I mean, I really love them.

You know what I mean, right?

I mean, you've probablyseen the headlines, so...

That little droidhas a lot of love to give.

That's all I'm gonna say,you guys.

All right, so you can imagine

how excited I gotwhen I saw this.

WOMAN: There's a new fleet of crime-fighting robots

that look a bit like R2-D2.

Crime-fighting robots?

The future is here, you guys.

And they don't looklike enormous crime-fighting

butt plugs at all.

Not at all.

All right.

How do these... how dothese Paul Cy-Blarts work?

These are autonomousdata machines.

They roam around autonomously24/7.

And, as you said, they can see,feel, hear, and smell.

But can they love?

Seriously, you guys.

This is a disasterwaiting to happen.

Have you guys seen any movie?

This rarely ends well, right?

All right, but I'm willingto give these things a chance.

Uh, now, to see them in action,

we sent our own Rory Albaneseout to Silicon Valley

to do a little live tech demofor us.

Rory, are you there?

(cheering and applause)

Hey. Larry, I got to tell you,

this thing is incredible.Check it out.

-I mean, this is the futureof law enforcement. -Wow.

And-and you got to watch itinteract with a citizen.

-Hello, Robot.-Greetings, citizen!

I'm here to help youin any way I can!

Your safety and well-beingis my number one priority.

Oh, my God. Thank you, Robot.

I am programmedto protect and serve.

How (bleep) cool is that, Larry?

Oh, my God.That's amazing, Rory.

-Right? This is the thing, too.-That's very cool.

They have a patented policeinstinct chip in every unit.

So they respond just likereal police, only better.

Really? It... You know,it just seems so decent.

I know, right?

-Yo, yo, this lab is crazy.-Right? What's up, Mike?

Drop your weapon! Dropyour weapon! Drop your weapon!

-(siren wailing) -No, wait,wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Time-out. I just walked in here.What's-what's going on?

-Suspicion matrix overloaded!-Oh!

-Hoodie detected! Hoodiedetected! -What? I didn't...

-Use of force imminent.-What's going on, guys?

No, Robot. Listen, listen,listen. I'm with the show.

I'm a friend.

-Remain calm,or you will be detained. -I...

Yeah, Mike, hold on. In itsdefense, you should calm down.

-But I am calm! -Mike,calm down. It might bust a cap.

Why are you saying I'm not calm?I'm (bleep) calm!

What, I can't walk in frontof a robot? What's going on?

Robot, Robot, Robot,look, look, he's on the show.

-He's my friend. -Come on.-Oh... Okay.

-Thank you. -Trustworthyvocal signature recognized.

-Standing down.-Thank you.

-(bleep) WALL-E-looking (bleep).-Yeah.

-Oh. -The hell is that?-Oh, my God. -Fair. That's fair.

-I mean, come on. -That's fair.-Wait a second.

It listened to the white guy?

-Yeah. I didn't program it. I...-Looks like they got

a little too accurate withthat police instinct chip, Rory.

Look, it's early going here,Larry.

You know, they'll havea software update or something

-to make it a little less,you know, um... -Uh-huh.

Less what? Racist as hell?

-That's what I would say.-Angry shouting detected!

-What? Come on! -Oh, boy.Here we go. That's not...

-Tasing sequence initiated!-Come on! Don't do it!

-Tasing!-Please, no! Wait, wait, wait!

-Mike, stop making it mad.-I'm not doing anything!

-Y-You're yelling at it. Oh, myGod. -Oh, (bleep)! Oh, oh, oh!

-Don't Tase him. -Ow!Uh, son-son of a... -Look,

-this is gonna happen, Larry.-Mike, get away!

-We're-we're working outthe kinks. -Oh, my God, I knew

this couldn't end well!We'll be right back!

-You saw what he did!-Robot, come on.

-Mike! Oh, my God!-(cheering and applause)

Welcome back!I'm here with my panel.

First up, Nightly Show contributor, Rory Albanese.

(cheering and applause)

And Nightly Show contributor,Mike Yard.

(cheering and applause)

And his new animated series Bordertown airs Sunday

at 8:30 on Fox--actor, Hank Azaria.

-(cheering and applause)-Yeah.

For everyone at home,join our conversation right now

on Twitter, @NightlyShow,using the hashtag, #Tonightly.

So, earlier in the show,we were talking about these new

robot cops. So here's my question. Is this the best way

to handleour issues with law enforcement,

to take away the human element?

-Well, that-that confused me,because given -Uh-huh.

how people have been treatedthis last year, I thought

we've already removedthe human element.

-YARD: True story. Exactly.-So then you see what I...

True story. I tell you, I...

I don't care.As-as much problems as I've had

with the police, and I...and, you know...

and how they treat us, I wouldmuch rather deal with people

-than a machine,I'll tell you that. -Yeah.

Yeah, 'cause you can lookinto a person's eyes and see if,

you know, they got a little bitof asshole in 'em.

I don't know...

And so you knowhow to deal with 'em, right?

I don't know how to readrobot eyes. I'm sorry.

I-I've never had a cop bean asshole to me,

so I don't knowwhat you're talking about.

I don't know why they hadto make 'em all white.

Why can't there be anyof the black robots?

Why? Would black cops treat usbetter than white cops?

-(audience awwing)-Don't "aw." Don't "aw."

Let me tell you, I had a...

I had a black cop... I hada black cop stop my brother,

-right, and pull my brotherover. -Yeah.

My brother's car was fine.

The cop said that they thoughtthe car was stolen.

-My brother gave himthe registration, -Right.

and he started searchingthe car. So I was like,

"Why are you searching thecar? All you need to do is look

at the registration. It'll tellyou if it's a stolen car."

-Logic. -Right? So, the whitecop started cursing at me.

The black cop pulled me overand was like, "Hey, man.

"Listen, why don't you,you know, just let 'em do...

-"just let 'em dowhat they got to do. -Oh, man.

You know how they are."I was like, "(bleep),

they are like thatbecause of you!"

-(cheering and applause)-I...

Technology, I'm not gonna sayit scares me,

but I do think that a lot of it,

like, all the social thingsand everything--

it feels like it takes us away

from a lot of human involvementanymore.

I mean, people go on first datesand have their phone out.

How (bleep) is that

where you pay more attentionto your phone on a first date!

Well, you might have a...you might have, like,

-a better date potential,you know, on your phone. -Yeah.

You know what I mean?You got to keep...

-You got to keep your optionsopen. -AZARIA: Good point.

You know what they're doing?They're checking the Web page.

-"This is not you."-Yeah.

WILMORE:Exactly.

-I don't know.-Exactly.

-Where the hell is this guy?-(laughing): Yeah.

Where are those pecs?

People don't know how to dealwith people anymore.

It's like we keep trying to takepeople out of the equation.

Yeah, but there's some peopleI don't want to deal with it.

Like, I would love themto just have vending machines

-or robots at, like, themovie theater. -WILMORE: Yeah?

Instead of havingto, like, explain popcorn

to the personbehind the counter.

You know what I mean? Like...

That's like a...that's a... that's a science

that seems way too complicated

-for human interaction.-WILMORE: Yeah.

Like, I just want a soda.Just have a button,

-and then a soda will come out.-YARD: It's sad.

The lady'd be like,"Did you say cherry Coke?"

-Yeah. -Like, "No.Nobody drinks cherry Coke."

-I'm kind of...-It's sad, man. It's...

It's weird, 'cause I'm torn,'cause I like all the stuff.

I like gadgets.

But I love those dayswhen you could just be gone,

-and nobody could reach you.-ALBANESE: Off the grid.

-You can do that. -I mean,off the grid was awesome.

That's backwhen you were, like, doing

what kind of shady (bleep)?Just curious.

-(laughter)-Well...

You could be in your cab

and just writing lettersto people, you know?

-Yeah.-You know, when people call you,

you don't have to answer.You can hit "ignore."

-They have that button.-Can you do that, though?

-I can never...-I do it all the time. Nope.

I mean if it... You know, sorry,but if it's... Sometimes...

-WILMORE: Right. Yeah.-If it's my mom, then, yeah.

YARD:Oh, (bleep).

But, um, I love you, Mom.I love you, Mom. I just...

WILMORE: Do you ever feel...do you ever feel guilty

like you haveto return an e-mail right away

or a text,or that kind of thing?

No, it's more the opposite,like I have to...

-WILMORE: Uh-huh.-When stuff comes in

that makes you angry,not firing off right away...

WILMORE:Oh, that's good.

-It's more the Zen of, like,take a beat, relax. -Yeah.

You don't haveto answer right now.

YARD: And that's the problemwith phones is

that you are so emotional,you answer immediately.

And the next thing you know,you're (bleep).

(laughter)

-You know, I... -You and I havesuch a different life.

You go home,and your (bleep) is outside

...deal with it.

When the cops pull me over,

they're like,"Have a nice day, sir."

You know, but... Thank you.

I've never had a cop tell meto have a nice day.

This is howour conversations usually end.

"Now get the (bleep)out of here."

WILMORE:(bleep)...

I always wonderif all the connectivity

-actually makes us more alone.-YARD: Well, you know...

-Well, it dependson what you're doing. -Yeah.

You know?You know what I mean?

-I mean, like with porn, forexample, uh... -WILMORE: Yeah?

No. Like, for ten minutes,you feel very connected.

-Ten... ten minutes.Good for you, sir. -You.

-AZARIA: Yeah.-Good for you.

WILMORE:I know. Ten minutes.

-Wow.-Made a lot of women happy...

(laughter and applause)

WILMORE: There's... there'sa lot of story in your...

YARD:I know.

YARD: Are you reallylistening to the...?

What, are you really watchingthe whole thing? Ten minutes?

YARD:He's following the story line.

I didn't say sex.I said porn. I mean, uh...

Is she gonna sleep with 'em?I don't know.

Spoiler alert. Yeah,she probably gonna (bleep).

I love that porn takes over

every technologythat ever existed.

AZARIA:I know. Right?

I mean, the first technologywas cave painting,

and it was porn.

Start from the bottom and buildyour way back up.

-Yeah.-That's the way it is.

Listen, some people, though,

you wouldn't knowthat they're lonely,

'cause you lookat their Facebook page.

-Yeah.-They are busy.

-Some people are very, very busyonline. -Yeah.

-That's it, though. Online.-AZARIA: Uh-huh.

-You check the calendar,they're everywhere. -Yeah.

-"I'm here." "I'm there."-Yeah.

And you go there,they're not there.

Yeah, I don't like allthat checking in at places, too.

Yeah. I don't need to knoweverything you're up.

"I just took my shoes off."

(Bleep)!I don't care about your shoes!

-I got to check in. -Yeah. -"Ijust ate a cookie. Delicious!"

-I got cookies.-AZARIA: I have a buddy

-who really... he really does.-YARD: Everything, right?

He really takes a photographof his food.

-ALBANESE: Really?-YARD: That's the... Yeah.

-And "I know everybody." Why?Why? Why? Why? -I have no idea.

Who gives a (bleep)?

WILMORE:I have no idea.

ALBANESE: It's just to rub itin the face of poor people.

-You know what I mean?-That's it.

It's like, "Check it out.I'm eating well!" Aah...

-WILMORE: Yeah. -That's how evilwe are as Americans, right?

We eat so much, we take picturesof it. "Look at my (bleep)."

-And like... -But if you had aregular camera, you would never,

-like, put the lens on...-(laughter)

-ALBANESE: Yeah. Yeah.-YARD: Right.

-(Wilmore mutters)-YARD: Could you imagine that?

-No, you got to getunder the... Yeah. -Yes.

Exactly. That's why...

that's why nobody took dick picsback in the day, you know.

-ALBANESE: Too much work.-YARD: Took forever.

-You had to put in the water.-Yeah, you got to...

-You got to hang it up.-Hang it up.

Oh, that's gonna be a nice one.

-(laughing): Yeah.-(laughter and applause)

-Or they...-Yeah, look at this.

-I think that's a good one.-The third one from the left.

-What do you think?-The third one.

And then of course...and then of course,

to send it,you know, got to put it

-in the envelope.-Exactly.

Mail it,write out the address.

-WILMORE: Exactly.-It's too much work.

-Too much work. -AZARIA:although, I still just,

you know, for old time sakes,

I do oil paintingsof my dick.

-WILMORE: Ooh! Wow.-ALBANESE: That's classy.

YARD:That's a classy man right there.

-Come on, ladies.-That's art. That's art.

-That... that is a renaissanceman right there. -Yeah.

ALBANESE:That's why you are who you are.

Exactly. All right, we'll beright back right after this.

ANNOUNCER: Grab some free tickets

to attend an upcoming taping of The Nightly Show.

Thanks to my panelistsRory Albanese,

Mike Yard and Hank Azaria.

We're almost out of time,but before we go,

I'm gonna keep it 100,so tonight's question from...

-(music plays)-Thank you.

...Xmas Jason Flaxen, I think.

He asks, "I got aKeep It 100 question.

"Who would you rather haveas president--

"Donald Trumpor Vladimir Putin?

#Tonightly."

Oh, come on, man.

I mean, I can't evenhypothetically

imagine a President Trump.

-Wait. Hold on! Hold on!Hold on! -Oh! Oh! Oh!

-Um...-YARD: Taking too long.

-I...-YARD: Too long!

All right, you got to give meweak tea, 'cause I can't do it!

-YARD: Aah!-I can't do it.

-Come on!-I can't do it! I can't pick!

I got to get the weak tea!I can't pick!

Okay, I'm here with Hank Azaria,

and it's time for the gamewe like to call Keep It 100.

Keep It One...Hundred, Hundred, Hundred.

You know how it works, Hank?You got to keep this 100% real.

If you do, you get a sticker.If not, you get some weak tea.

-I get a sticker?-Yep.

Okay. Well,that's very strong motivation.

-Yeah. See?-(laughter)

Hey, people like these.This is very valuable.

-It's a lovely sticker. -I cangive you the weak tea right now.

(laughter)

-Okay. Keep It 100.-(laughing): I know...

I'm just Keeping It 100.

You do a lot of voiceson The Simpsons.

Very talented man right here.

-(cheering, applause)-So funny.

-So... -That's true.Am I Keeping It 100?

-Yes, you're Keeping It 100.-That's all true.

So let's play Fuck, Marry,Kill-- the Simpsons edition.

-Oh, God.-Okay. All right.

And, uh...(chuckles)

And, uh, I'll namethree Simpsons characters

you do the voices for,and you tell me who you'd fuck,

who you'd marry,and who you'd kill.

That I do the voices for? Ihave to fuck one of the voices?

Yes, exactly. That's right.

It's very...This is very difficult.

Chief Wiggum...

Apu...

and the Comic Book Guy.

Who do you fuck, who doyou marry, who do you kill?

-It's a very easy Keep It 100.-God. Wow.

-Um...-Let me know if you need...

(a la Comic Book Guy): I supposeI would fuck Comic Book Guy.

-Really? You would fuck...-Yeah, because he's got...

he's got big tits.

WILMORE:Oh, my God.

Well?

(a la Chief Wiggum):Chief Wiggum also has big tits,

but I... I think the ComicBook Guy's tits are bigger.

YARD:Damn.

WILMORE:And so you would marry...

Hmm. Uh..(chuckles)

I would... Is it Apu? Who'sthe... Who-who are the three?

-Apu and Chief Wiggum?-Yeah. Yes.

(a la Apu):I would marry Apu.

Because he hasa wonderful, steady job,

and he's already goteight children.

So I know I can count on himto be a wonderful, uh,

supporter and husband.

-I think he kept it 300,you guys, right? -I think he...

-I think he kept it 300.-(cheering and applause)

Very good, man. Very good!

-Here, you get three stickers.There you go. -Oh, I get three.

-You get three.That's how it works. -Wow.

-Sometimes you get three.-That's enough to...

We'll be right back! Right back!

Nice!