Cops and Bottoms

  • Season 3, Ep 11
  • 03/31/2015

Steve realizes his dream of becoming a police officer, and Woody attracts international attention when he develops a hemorrhoid that looks like Jesus.

- NICE AND QUIETWITH NO WORK TO DO.

JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT.

- [sighs]

IT'S SO BORING HERE.

ALL MY FINELY TUNEDCRIME-FIGHTING SKILLS

ARE GOING TO WASTE.

FINALLY, A LITTLE ACTION.

[siren wails]

FREEZE,YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

- I JUST MISSED THE TRASH CAN.I WAS ABOUT TO PICK IT UP.

- SHUT UP, SCUMBAG.

WE'VE GOTA, UH, 371-261.

- YOU GOTA LITTER BUG RAPIST?

- OH, A RAPIST TOO, HUH?

PROCEEDINGWITH EXTREME PREJUDICE.

whack!- OW, OW, OW!

- STEVE!

- [high-pitched]OW, OW, OW!

OW!

I SHOULD'VE KNOWNI COULDN'T BE A COP.

I'M SORRYI COULDN'T MAKE YOU PROUD, DAD.

- YOU MAKE ME PROUDEVERY DAY, SON.

- [screams]

DAD?

- YOU'RE A BRICKLEBERRY RANGERJUST LIKE I WAS.

WHAT MORE COULD A FATHER ASK?

- DIDN'T YOU EVERGET BORED HERE?

- IF I DID,I'D JUST GO BEHIND A BUSH

AND MASTURBATE.

- OKAY.

- SON, BE PROUD OF YOURSELFAND WHAT YOU ARE,

A BRICKLEBERRYPARK RANGER.

NOW, GET OUT THEREAND TAKE YOUR PARK BACK,

AND IF YOU NEED ME,

I'LL BE JACKING OFFBEHIND THAT BUSH.

- YES, SIR.

[dramatic music]

I WAS WRONGFOR NOT APPRECIATING MY JOB.

SURE, BEING A PARK RANGERCAN BE BORING AND LAME

AND PUT YOU AT A HIGH RISKFOR LYME DISEASE.

- NOW YOU GOT MEWANTING TO QUIT.

- OH, SORRY.FOG BRAIN.

YOU KNOWI HAVE LYME DISEASE.

NOW, I'VE GOT A PLANTO GET THESE A-HOLES

OUT OF OUR PARK.

- SORRY, I WAS ZONING OUT.I HAVE LYME DISEASE.

- WE KNOW.WE ALL GOT LYME DISEASE.

[hard rock music]

- IT'S A GOOD THINGETHEL KEPT THAT SIGN

FROM MIDDLE SCHOOL.

- I MUST HAVEA SECRET ADMIRER

WHO REMEMBEREDMY BIRTHDAY.

[screams]

A CUBE OF WOLVES,MY ONLY FEAR!

- ARE YOU SURETHIS WILL WORK?

- YEAH, YOU'VE BEEN WEARING THEMFOR TEN STRAIGHT DAYS.

[all coughing]

- FEELS LIKEMY LUNGS ARE MELTING.