Sommore, Larson, Caldwell, Smith, Mosey, Schultz, Wessling

  • 08/31/2006

What is the deal?What is the deal?

What is the deal, New York?

I'm gonna keep it realwith y'all.

I was so nervous, like, thewhole week leading up to this.

Because, first of all, you know,this is New York City.

I mean, you got to bringyour A game.

That's right.

You got to bring your A game.

Then, this islive for television.

Then, I'm on Comedy"I'm rich, bitch" Central.

Where they give black peoplemoney and we lose our mind.

So I'm like, I just go to...

First of all, I could notfigure out what to wear.

I'm not gonna lie-- I changedclothes at least seven times.

No, because there'sdifferent categories

that I could've fallen into.

First of all,I could've got sharp.

That's when, you know,you look good,

but, you know, you probably,somebody probably

seen that outfit beforeon somebody else.

Then, I could've got fly.

Then, when you're fly,that's when you're so up here,

you know, that y'all might noteven understand what I got on.

You know, I'm just, I'm up here.

You know, I'm up here.

I'm just fly.

Then, I could've got hot.

Now, hot is when you got onthe latest thing in the stores,

right off the rack.

You're just hot.

Or I could've just gothot to death.

Now, hot to death is when

you're sharp, fly and hotall into one.

When you're hot to death,when you're hot to death,

if you should die,when you get to heaven,

the angels will taketheir wings off and be like,

"Damn, you waskilling them bitches!"

But I think your clothesare very important.

Your appearance is important,

especially with women.

Because, believe it or not,you can save some money

by the way you present yourself.

I call itflexing your girl powers.

Like, the next timeyour car breaks down on you,

you got to go to the automechanic, rule number one

is take the baby seatout the back.

Don't go down therewith the baby seat in the back

with the Cheetosall in the baby seat.

Rule number two iswear a miniskirt.

I don't give a damnwhat size you are,

whether you're size two or 28,

wear a miniskirt.

And even if you got a manat the house and money is tight,

he's gonna understand.

He's gonna be like,"Wear the blue one, baby,

"wear the blue one.

"They gonna knock$20 off the bill

if you wear that blue one,I promise you."

Telling you.

Simple things you can do asa woman to flex your girl power.

Like, the next time

you're at the dentist's office,

and the dentist got youlaid back in the chair,

right as he's aboutto turn that chair around,

ever so gently,just stick your elbow out.

Gently graze the frontof them pants just a little bit.

Look up at himand wink your eye.

He ain't gonna charge youfor little stuff

like cleaning and fillings.

Look at my teeth.

You see that, right?

That's girl power right there,girl power.

and I believe insupporting women 100 percent.

That's why I'm cheeringfor Anna Nicole Smith right now.

Anna Nicole Smith isin a fight for a lawsuit

of $450 million

over her late, dead husband,90-year-old, inheritance.

Now, I really got behind her

once I seen a pictureof this man.

Have y'all seena picture of this man?

This man, this man is so old,he's see-through.

Now, you know you're oldwhen you outlived your skin.

Now, what I'm tryingto explain to y'all,

this man is the same complexion

as underneath my tongue,you know.

Now, I'm not a judgeof any sort,

but if you eversleep with this...

They got to give you something,that's all I'm saying.

You got to treat people fairly.

You got to be fair.

'Cause I just seea lot of stuff that goes on

that's just not fair,like Vice President Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney shot somebodyin the face.

And didn't nothing happen.

Nothing happened!

Now, am I right or am I wrong?

But when President Clintonshot somebody in the face...

Yeah!

Hello, New York City,how are you?

Yeah! Ah.

Wonderful.

It is so nice

to be back on the East Coast.

Actually, I'm from down South,from in Florida.

( woman screams )Hey, you know Ted?

I was, um...

Actually, I was just down there

visiting my family-- so cool.

I saw my grandmother, I did.

I love her.

I love her, I call her Grams.

Yeah.

It's not short for anything.

It's 'cause, you know,she deals coke.

And, uh...( laughs )

It's true.

I was actually down therefor my little cousin.

He had his Bar Mitzvah.

Yeah, any other Jews beside me?

Jews?

Yeah.

What's up, He-bro?How you doing, He-bro?

Hell yeah. Come on.

Jews, keeping it Israel.

Yeah.

You see,

that was like "keeping it real."

You know?

But I added the "Is",

making it "Hebe".

( sighs )

See, Jews, Jews, we do nothave cool music, do we?

No. The Bar Mitzvah proved it.

Other religions do,Christians do.

You got Christian rockthat is awesome.

Christian rock,it's in the name.

It's Christian and it rocks.

Striper, hell yeah, my friend.

Yeah.

Seriously, 60 Minutes had thisbig piece on Christian rock.

They showed the guy onstage.

He's like,"Are you ready to rock?!"

And the crowd's screaming.

( imitates crowd noise )

You know?

Then he's like, "Is Jesus Christin your heart?!"

( imitates crowd noise )

That's great.

See, you're never gonna seeJewish rock.

What's Jewish rock?

"Are you ready to rock?!"

"Mm, no, no, not really, no.

"No, not really, no, no.

"We just ate, we're very full.

( sighs )

"We had deli-- delicious, mm.

"You know, you rock,you go rock.

We're just gonna sit and watchfor a little while. Yeah."

"Uh, okay.

Uh, did everybodyuse your coupon?!"

( imitates crowd noise )

Yeah.

Reality TV'sgetting out of control.

I'll tell you a show I hate--

it's on MTV,it's called Pimp My Ride.

You guys know that show?

Ah, hate that show.

Tell you what, if you don't knowwhat pimping a ride is,

basically it meansto fix up a car, right?

So you'd thinkthat'd be a paint job,

overhaul the engine,some new tires.

Yeah, no, not on MTV.

"'Cause on MTV, when wepimp your ride, what we do

"is we take thispiece of ( bleep ) car

"and put in all thisunnecessary crap

"that should never be in a car.

"Yo, we got a Playstationin your steering wheel,

"we got smoke machinesin the speakers,

"we got rubber duckiesshooting out the exhaust pipe.

Yeah!"

Then some kid comes in like,

"Oh, damn, you pimped my ride!"

Gets in, drives away,that's the end of the show.

What they never showis the aftermath, you know?

Yeah. When the kidtakes this car

that's now worthabout $200,000,

yeah, when he now takes it backto the ( bleep ) neighborhood

that you know he really livesin, yeah, where he suddenly gets

a gun shoved in his faceat a red light.

And he's like, "But I justgot my ride pimped!"

"Well, now you're gettingyour ride jacked.

Out the car, bitch, let's go."

"I guess I'll bepimping the bus."

( giggles )

You guys are so cool.

So I guess a lot of yougot my MySpace bulletin,

so thanks for showing upto the show.

MySpace, anybody hereon MySpace?

MySpace? Yeah. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I'm sure you knowwhat MySpace is.

It's this big Web sitewhere you can go,

you can meet peopleand network-- it's very cool.

And before MySpace,the big website for that

was called Friendster, right?

But then MySpace came along,I liked it better,

I went over to MySpace.

But I still keep gettinge-mails from Friendster.

You know, like,they still send you e-mails.

"Hey, it's Friendster,haven't seen you in a while.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

"Friendster, check us out,we're good, yeah."

Friendster is likethat really annoying ex

that just can't accept therelationship's over, you know?

It's like, you wantto sit them down and go,

"Hey, look, we had a good time,

"but it's over,you need to move on.

"Listen, we're alwaysgonna be Friendsters.

Just right now, I need MySpace."

Ah! Clever!

Clever.

Oh, so adorable.

I'm single. Shocker.

( chuckles )

I'll tell you,I will never understand

so many things about women.

Like, you ever seen, like,the single girls are all like,

"I just wish I couldfind me a nice guy.

"Why can't I find a nice guy?

I want a nice guy!"

Bull ( bleep ).

No, you don't.

This is what I realizedabout women.

Women don't wanta nice guy right away.

See, I am a nice guy,right from the...

You know, I'm likeready-made cookies.

I'm Flips Ahoy--out of the box, ready to date.

Thanks for remembering my name.

Women don't want that.

Women, I found this out,you love challenges.

That's why women areconstantly looking for jerks,

constantly lookingfor Mr. Wrong.

'Cause what they like to dois take Mr. Wrong,

break him downinto a pile of nothing,

and slowly rebuild him

as their Mr. Right.

Yes.

"Yeah, it's true."

You ladies are very goodat changing men.

I give you credit, 'cause youdo it in such small increments.

And men-- we're so stupid.

We don't realize it's happeneduntil it's too late.

Yeah. You'll see itall the time.

It's the little things.

A girl will be talkingto her man, and she's, like,

( falsetto ):"Hey, hey, hey, you, hey.

"Hey!

"You know...

"You know how you alwayswear your hair?

"You knowhow you always wear it?

"It's kind of long and shaggy.

"You should cut it!

"You should...

I think it looks betterwhen it's really short."

"Really? It's betterwhen it's short?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

( audience laughter )

"Oh...

( imitating woman's high-pitched whining )

( high voice ): "You know...

( laughter )

"You know how you alwayswear those T-shirts?

"You know those old,ratty T-shirts?

"You should wear nice shirts...like button...

I think you look goodin buttoned shirts."

"Really? I look goodin buttoned shirts?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

( whining )

( laughter )

( whining )

"You know...

( laughter )

"You know how you have allof those opinions

and how you thinkfor yourself all the time?"

"Yeah."

And then you win, ladies.

You change us, and you inviteall your friends over.

You're, like, "Girls, ta-dah!

I did it! I did it!"

( applause )

"We're number one!

"Who's number one? Me.

Who's number two? You."

( laughing )

And then what always happens?

"I want to break up."

"Why?"

"You've changed."

( laughter and applause )

( breathes heavily into mike )

You guys like being alive?

( laughter and scattered applause )

Me, too. Love it.

Always have.Ever since I was a little kid.

Wanted to be a hero.

That was my thing.

Used to go for bike ridesand pray

I'd go by a burning house,

and there'd be a woman outside,like, "My baby's inside!"

I'd run and be, like,"I got the baby."

Never happened.

( laughter )

But I'm still mentally preparedright here.

Like, if I goto a public restroom,

and I'm standing at the urinal,and a guy walks in

just to wash his hands--which is weird and shady--

( laughter )

I keep...

I keep an eye on that guy.

Right in the silver tubing,I watch that guy.

( laughter )

And I ask myself,"What are you gonna do?

"What are you gonna do

if this guy makes a moveright now?"

I know exactly what I'll do.

I'll take one step backlike this,

arch my back,get a nice rainbow,

get a rainbow,take out his eyes.

When he can't see,I go at the knee, grab his face,

shove it in the toilet,and then I yell at him,

"What did I tell you?"

Even thoughI never told him anything.

( laughter and applause )

Just so when I left,he'd be, like,

"Did that guy tell me something?

Should I have been listening?"

( laughter )

It's a crazy world.

You don't knowwhat's gonna happen.

The other day I pulled upto an intersection,

and there was a guy therebefore me going this way, right?

I'm going this way.

But there's a womancrossing in front of his car

that's like setting a pick,so, it's like...

Yeah. So it's likemy right of way.

I can go.

But then she does one these.Like, "Oh..."

She hurries along.

So now he goes,but I'm already out there,

and the guy gives me the bird.

And I don't roll that way.

( laughter )

So I banged a U-y.

And I follow the guy.

Three blocks.

The guy pulls over.

He goes,"What's your problem, bro?"

I go, "Why'd you flip me off?"

He goes, "Cause you cut me off."

I go, "You think thatnecessitates a ( bleep ) you?

And he goes,"You want to get out of the car

and fight about it?"

And I lean down in my glove box,and I go,

"Yeah, I've been dyingto cut somebody."

Guy drove off.( laughter )

Two things, you guys.

I didn't have anythingin my glove box.

And that story isn't even true.

( laughter and applause )

I thought of that afterwards.

I'm, like, "I should have saidI want to cut somebody."

( laughter )

You just don't... you don't knowwhat's gonna happen.

It's a crazy world.

sitting in my car,messing with the radio.

I got the hazards on.

You know, I'm messingwith the radio.

( laughter )

She liked that.

Messing with the radio,got the hazards on.

Door opens up, she gets in.

At least I think it's her.

I turn,and there's just some dude

sitting in my passenger's seat.

And I go, "Yeah, bro?"

And he goes, "Oh, my bad."

Gives me a fist bump,gets out of the car.

( laughter )

I drive a teal greenHonda Accord.

He went to the corner and gotinto a red Ford Explorer.

( laughter )

Crazy.

It's one of those situationsI could have back,

'cause I would have done itcompletely different.

Messing with the radio,guy gets in, door opens up.

"Huh? Huh?""Oh, my bad."

Gives a fist bump.

I would have gone,"You know what? It is your bad."

Grab him by the wrist,yanked him in.

I'm, like, "You're comingwith me right now.

"Two tickets, Gloria Estefan.

Miami Sound Machine.Revival tour, bro."

( laughter and applause )

"Rhythm's gonna get you.

What are you gonna doabout it?"

This week-- ViolenceAwareness Day, this week.

Anyone celebrating that?

I don't even knowwho knows about that day.

( laughter )

Does anyone, like,carry that out?

Like, come home.

"Yo, Tina, hey!

"I thought I told youto clean these pans, girl.

I would smack you if it wasn'tViolence Awareness Day."

( laughter )"You wait till 12:01.

You wait till 12:01."

It's crazy.

I understand it, but I...

I understandpeople think things,

but I just don't alwaysfollow them through.

You know what I mean? Like,sometimes I'll stand

in an intersection, and there'llbe, like, a guy next to me,

and I'll just think to myself,

"Does this guy have any ideaI could kill him right now?"

Any idea.( laughter )

Like, you walk by someone,like, loading their groceries

into the trunk of their car,and you're, like,

"Dude, could you make itany easier?

I'll slam it down, shove you,and I'm out."

( laughter )Wouldn't find that guy for days.

I don't follow it out,I just think about it.

( laughter )

That's why I'd be scaredto have kids in this...

You know what I mean,have kids in this world?

It's a... I hate when parentslet their kids run around.

You ever do that?

You're, like, having dinner,and a little kid comes up

to your table, and at first,

you're, like, "Hey, littlebuddy," and then

after a while, you're, like,"Get the hell out of here."

I hate that they just thinkthey can let their kids run.

This is what I would do,and I think we should all do.

Try this. Next time you seea little kid running around

like that, wait till the parentsaren't watching.

Wait till they're not watching.

Run up, grab the kid, and thenhide out of sight a little bit.

Not far, not far,just a little bit.

Wait till you see a little fearin their eyes.

Wait till you seea little fear in their eyes.

Then walk back over and go,"Here's your kid.

"Keep an eye on your kid.

"He almost got hit by a truck.I just saved his life."

I just got hit on bythe most disgusting guy

I've ever met in my entire life.

What I'm excited about is,I've come up with

a great wayto get out of it.

What I do is I just takeadvantage of my height.

I let the guy talk a little,

and then I just saysomething like...

( with deep voice ):"So, do you like surprises"?

( laughter )

( laughter and applause )

Thank you for laughingso hard at that.

That's great, thank you.

I don't know, I have a hard timemeeting people.

We got single people in thecrowd here? Single people?

( cheering )Yeah? Whoo!

Our lives suck.Okay, um...

Yeah, it's hard.

I've tried this on-line datingthing, and it's so weird.

The worst thingabout on-line dating is,

everybody putsthe same hobbies down.

You know what the most popularhobby in New York City is?

"Hiking and biking."

( laughter )

We live in New York;where the ( bleep ) do you hike?

( laughter, applause )

Are you, like, repelling downthe side of your building

in the morning?

Like, I don't getthis whole thing.

And then everybody likeslong walks on the beach.

"I like long walkson the beach."

Got to be a long walk,can't just be a walk,

has to be a long-ass walk.

( laughter )

You go to the beach right now,

there's like 50,000 peoplefrom eHarmony.

( laughter )

And they're just walking...

and walking...

and walking...

It's really sad--hurricane season takes out

like 13,000 members every year.

( laughter )

And the problem is, like, Ican't put my real hobbies down

because my real hobbiesare like,

"I like to go to dive bars,get drunk,

and make outwith Puerto Rican guys."

( laughter and cheering )

Ah... boricuas.

I don't know.

I don't mind if a guy wantsto be on-line just to get laid.

That's fine, just be honest.

Say, "I would liketo get laid," you know,

but I find guyswriting things like,

( with smoky voice ):"I'm tired of the bar scene."

( laughter )

"I'm just looking for somethingreal and substantial.

Here's a pictureof my ( bleep )."

( laughter )

This one guy put,

"I prefer womenwho like candlelight dinners."

He had to specify this.

"I prefer womenwho like candlelight dinners."

And I don't know a lot of women

who don likecandlelight dinners.

And I thought, maybe he hada bad experience.

You know, like,maybe he made the dinner,

and then he lit the candles...

and then she walked inand was like,

"What the ( bleep )?!"

( laughter )

"You said we were goinghiking and biking!"

( laughter )

Whoo!

Or maybe she was likea burn victim.

( laughter )

That's something I don't like.

( cheering and applause )

What is with that?

I saw this little girl, um,she had sweatpants on

that had the word "juicy"written across her ass,

like right across her ass.

She was like seven years old.

She's, like, walkingwith her father.

I think any father that allowstheir seven-year-old daughter

to wear sweatpants with the word"juicy" written across her ass

should be put in prisonfor child endangerment.

( applause )

Yeah.

Thank you.

And his orange jumpsuitshould have the word "juicy"

written right across the ass.

( applause )

Over the weekend, you know,

these people wereprotesting the war.

Like, a lot, like, it's a big...

You know, it sucks, right, so...

People were like, "This sucks."

And, um...( laughter )

The thing is, like, I thinkpeople need to kind of, like,

punch up their protestinga little bit.

Because, like,their chants were, like,

kind of, you know, just boring,they were like,

"Two, four, six, eight, downwith anger, down with hate.

"One, three, five, nine,occupation is a crime."

And I was like, okay.

You know, like,the cause is good, but, like,

odd numbers are just not coolto protest to.

( laughter )

Cause, like, two, four, six,eight rhymes with what?

"Hate.""Discriminate."

Or "irate."Right?

One, three, five, nine...

Never mind that there'sno seven in there...

( laughter )

Why they take that...

I don't understand that,it just...

It's not really tough, you know?

It's not tough.

And then people are like,"What do we want?"

"Our troops to come home."

"When do we want it?"

"Now," right?

It's always now--

I just think that'sreally unreasonable.

I mean, you know, it's like...

Should be like,"What do we want?"

"Our troops to come home."

"When do we want it?"

"Well, it shouldn't takemore than a year, really."

( laughter )

And then I hate when, like,women who look like men

protest anythingon behalf of women.

( applause and laughter )

I hate that.

( applause )

It's never likesome beautiful woman--

like myself, uh-huh.

No, it's like never...( laughter )

No, it's never like some reallyhot chick who's like, "Women!"

It's always some dumpy chickwith a mullet, you know?

( laughter )And she's like,

( with deep voice ):I think it's awful

that men treat womenas sexual objects.

We're going to spellthe word "women"

"w-o-m-y-n, becausewe don't want "men" in there!

( laughter )

Um...

Men aren't really going in there,

so I don't know what the, uh...

You probably have to worktomorrow, many of you.

I, uh... I used to have a job,a real job.

I used to be a civil engineer,but, you know... well.

( light applause )

That rarely gets applause.

Thank you. Yeah.

People begin to talk afteryour third bridge falls down.

They, uh...( laughter )

They say, you know, it may notbe just the drinking anymore.

( laughter )

"This kid may not have it."

Guilty. You got me.Fair enough.

You know you're not mechanicalenough to be an engineer

when you use a screwdriverand you have to say,

"Lefty loosy, righty tighty."

( laughter )

I was not good with computers,I remain not good.

I had to call up the techsupport guy this week,

get some help withthe home computer.

He starts asking me questions.

"What kind of operating systemhave you got there, sir?"

"Oh, uh..."

"Electricity, I think,it's, uh..."

( laughter )

"Yeah, I been plugging inmy wall,

I been having some luckwith that."

( laughter )

"I don't know, I called you,do you remember?"

"I, uh...

"just want to knowwhy the printer sucks in

40 sheets at a time,that's..."

Kind of cuts your efficiency,

we have to pinchthe other 39 sheets,

and let the one go throughand do it again--

it's embarrassing.

I riffle, it does no good.

Stuff doesn't work.

I tried to call Information.

It's not a person anymore,

it's a computer tryingto decipher what I say,

and that technology is notfinished quite yet.

( laughter )

Lost my credit card, took likefour times to get the number.

"What listing?"

"American Express."

"The toll free numberfor America West Airlines is..."

( laughter )

( growls )

What if you need somethingimportant in a hurry?

"Suicide Hotline."

"The number forSusan Huntly is..."

( laughter )

"Susan, you don't know me..."

( laughter )

"...but I'm really down."

"Put on a pot of coffee, Sue,we're going to talk this out."

"Hello? Hello, Susan?Hello? Don't hang up!"

( laughter )

the great productsthe scientists give us--

Anti-bacterial soap.

Yeah, I kind of thoughtthat was understood

as part of our contractwith soap, that, uh...

Maybe it was putting a dentin the germs--

what the hell have I beenwashing my hands with

all these years?

Bacteria neutral?Virus friendly? Uh...

( laughter )

We have great medicines,you see them advertised on TV.

I notice the people in the adfor the herpes medicine

always seem to be kayaking.

Yeah...( laughter )

Ah...

Uh...

I'm not an epidemiologist,

but maybe we oughtto take a look at

these rental kayaks, huh?

( laughter )

( applause )

Think I found the vector.

Got to spray them outlike we do bowling shoes.

But, uh...

Oh, but they're so active.

"I'm not letting herpeskeep me down."

( laughter )

"Rowing for the waterfallto end this loneliness."

( laughter )

"Susan Huntly? Yeah, I'm reallydoing it this time."

( laughter )

Oh, they're great medicines,terrific stuff.

My wife's birth control pillsalso prevent acne.

Yeah.

Coincidently,when I was a teenager,

acne was my form ofbirth control, so, uh...

( laughter )

Oh, yeah...

Dependable?You betcha.

Yeah, about...

about 100% effective,as I recall.

Good old acne.

But, uh, despite all these

wonderful medicinesthat we have,

we're not a very fit nation.

Our portions area little out of control.

I ate at a Mexican placerecently.

The burrito was likea rolled up Sunday paper, um...

( laughter )

"Burrito loco" indeed, sir.

Is this an entree or a childbeing smuggled in a tortilla?

( laughter )

Es muy grande.

We got the pizza peoplein this country

not content to shove cheeseright into the crust,

they say we got to have people

dip it in someranch dressing, too.

Yeah.

Pizza gets so dry.

( laughter )

Two slices, I got gout--it's a little rich.

( laughter )

before I destroy you.

Thank you very much.That's very sweet.

Beautiful, New York.I love New York.

New York-- of course, one ofthe many cities in America now

where they have the crazysmoking ordinances,

and I understand.

Look, I understandyou can't smoke cigarettes

in a hospital room,

I understand that it's badfor you, blahty, blahty, blah.

But, America, we're beginningto make it illegal in bars.

I mean, who is concernedabout their health in a bar?

Exactly what's the complainton this one?

"Excuse me.

"Mr. Bartender, man,

"I am trying to get drunk

"so I can drive home

"and have unprotected sex

"with some skankI just met tonight.

"This guy's blowing smokein my face.

Some more deep-fried cheese,when you get a chance."

Can't we...

Can't we as a countryhave one place

where they don't tell uswhat to do?

As adults in America,the land of the free,

the government tells uswhat to do 24 hours a day.

I say that, as adults,we have earned one sanctuary

from their laws, one Thunderdomewhere you can go

where there are no rules,

and that placeshould be the bar.

And you know what?

If you don't likeliving under no rules,

here's a crazy idea:Don't go to the bar!

You see, the waymy theory works,

the way my theory works is this.

Personally, I don't likeBed Bath & Beyond.

I don't like what goes onat Bed Bath & Beyond.

So you know what I do about it?

That's right, I don't go there.

You know what I don'tdo about it?

I don't picketBed Bath & Beyond.

I don't putBed Bath & Beyond

in an axis of evil

with Linens 'n Thingsand the Baby Gap.

I just don't goto Bed Bath & Beyond.

If you don't like the smokein the smoky bar,

don't go to the smoky bar.

Personally, I don't likeloud, screaming children.

But I don't walk intoChuck E. Cheese and say,

"Will you kidsshut the hell up?!

"Good God!

"I am trying to watcha ceramic bear play the banjo

"and sing John Denver tuneswhile an animatronic muskrat

"blows into a jug and I whack amole in the head with a mallet.

And you're screwing upmy bachelor party!"

Look, don't worry, America,

we're gonna be okay.

I just read this today--absolutely true.

The state of Kansas,the state of Kansas

is going to be the first state

to have state-sanctionedcasino gambling.

And Kansas, nowI know what you're saying.

"Aug, like we neededanother reason to visit Kansas."

'Cause apparently,Kansas needs money,

so they're gonnaopen these casinos.

"And then that tax revenue,well, brother, that's just like

"planting a big, old,fat money seed.

"And then a money treewill grow,

"and we'll just shake the moneyleaves out of the money tree,

"because obviously this taxrevenue is only coming from

"people that can afford it.

"I mean, my God,poor people would never gamble.

"They're great with money.

That's why they're poor!"

You know what?

Hey, hey, government.

Kansas, instead of opening upall these new casinos,

can't we just eliminatethe middle man,

go straight to the trailer park,crack some guy in the knee

with a tire iron,and then empty his Velcro wallet

out of all the money he made

working the swing shiftat the rendering plant?

"But don't worry, think ofwhat it'll do for the economy.

"Think of all the new businesses

"that will open uparound the casino.

"Think of all the new...

"pawn shops

"and check-cashing servicesand plasma centers

"and methadone clinics,

"glorious methadone clinicsas far as the eye can see.

"And think of allthe new repo work

"that people will be getting,but don't worry,

"because we'll put the extratax money into social programs,

so you'll have a place to liveafter we tow your house!"

But, you know, I guess if youdon't like the casino, don't go.

Sure, yeah.

It comes down to this,it comes down to this.

When we call drinking a sin,when we call smoking a sin,

when we call gambling a sin,

it takes the responsibilityoff the people doing it.

When we call drinking a sin,

it's like sayingthat the problem is the booze.

America, don't blame the booze.

Here's the thing.

No matter what your problemsin life are, I assure you,

it is not the booze's fault.

Let's get this straightonce and for all.

Okay, you know what?

If you're a jackasswhen you're drinking,

it's becauseyou're a jackass, okay?

That's what's going on there.

There ain't no magical equation

of add liquid, make jackass.

No.

In the insurance game,

it's what they calla preexisting condition.

My name's John.Everyone say, "Hi, John."

ALL:Hi, John.

Hello, Gotham.

This is cool, man.

I'm from Texas originally.

It's okay, let thatsit for a second.

But I'm like you,I'm a Democrat from Texas.

Which is pretty damn rare.

There's more gay Sasquatchthan there are Democrats

in Texas.

We don't get a lot of coverage.

We're actuallykind of like the team

that plays againstthe Globetrotters.

We're just really goodat getting our ass kicked

and looking like hippies,so all the rednecks love it.

But I...

My first job out of collegewas a lot of fun.

I was a traffic reporter.

And when you're a young stoner,right out of college,

there is no better jobthan getting paid to fly around

in a helicopte, telling peoplewhich way to go.

I was like...( puffs )

"Turn left, dude, turn left.

( laughs )"I was lying, dude.

"There's no wreck.

( giggles )"Look at you, you're late

and so little."

But I always thought,one of these days,

they will make marijuana legal.

And when it happens,

there will be a first day.

And that's the day I want to be

back in the chopperdoing traffic.

"Uh, taking a good lookat the traffic on the first day

"of the legalizationof marijuana.

"Absolutely no traffic problemswhatsoever.

"Everyone's going real slowand taking care of each other.

"Joints are flying fromcar to car on the expressway.

"Road rage isa thing of the past.

"There are a lot of peoplebacked up on the on-ramp

"afraid to get on the freeway.

But go for it, bro,it's merge day."

couple months ago--very excited.

I'm a non-cigarette smoker.

And I'll tell you,I'll tell you what did it.

It was Canada.

You ever seen the warning labelsfor cigarettes in Canada?

They don't mess around.

Here in America, our littlewarning label is written, like,

"May cause birth defect."

In Canada,they show the birth defect.

You know, it's like, "Holy crap,I don't want a Flipper baby.

( bleep ) that.

I talked to my dadthe other day.

Dad hates thatI'm a stand-up comic.

But it's his fault.

Did the funniest thingI ever saw in my life.

Did the splitsgetting out of the shower.

Let that sink in--fat man, wet floor.

People, I can't write a jokebetter than that.

I'm downstairs,all I can hear is...

( imitates thud, screaming )

I get up there,he's spread-eagled on the floor,

all wet, fat, naked and fat.

'Cause he is fat twice.

And I get up there, I'm like,"Dad, are you all right?

Are you all right?"

And he's like,"Look over there."

"What happened, Daddy?"

"I'm pretty suremy nut went that way.

"Yep, the other one'sin my butt.

"I found it.

Go looking for the other."

My dad's favoritelittle sound...

And I don't know if you guysknow anyone from Texas.

You'll hear thisevery time you go to the South.

( grunting and whistling )

That's likethe redneck excited sound.

You hear that, run,

'cause there'sa hate crime coming.

You know what I'm saying?

( grunting and whistling )"He's different, let's get him,

put our wiener in him."( grunting and whistling )

And I heard it my whole lifegrowing up.

( grunting and whistling, bleep )

What the hellis that sound, you know?

But then they'll do itno matter what.

You get any rednecksall together

they're all...( grunting and whistling )

Like, "Hey, ( bleep ),look at that truck, man.

"That's the F-250with the power stroke diesel.

That's a good truck."

( grunting and whistling )

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