Sommore, Larson, Caldwell, Smith, Mosey, Schultz, Wessling

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 08/31/2006

John Wessling talks about being a stoned traffic reporter, and Jeff Caldwell discusses the pains of using an automated phone service.

( breathes heavily into mike )

You guys like being alive?

( laughter and scattered applause )

Me, too. Love it.

Always have.Ever since I was a little kid.

Wanted to be a hero.

That was my thing.

Used to go for bike ridesand pray

I'd go by a burning house,

and there'd be a woman outside,like, "My baby's inside!"

I'd run and be, like,"I got the baby."

Never happened.

( laughter )

But I'm still mentally preparedright here.

Like, if I goto a public restroom,

and I'm standing at the urinal,and a guy walks in

just to wash his hands--which is weird and shady--

( laughter )

I keep...

I keep an eye on that guy.

Right in the silver tubing,I watch that guy.

( laughter )

And I ask myself,"What are you gonna do?

"What are you gonna do

if this guy makes a moveright now?"

I know exactly what I'll do.

I'll take one step backlike this,

arch my back,get a nice rainbow,

get a rainbow,take out his eyes.

When he can't see,I go at the knee, grab his face,

shove it in the toilet,and then I yell at him,

"What did I tell you?"

Even thoughI never told him anything.

( laughter and applause )

Just so when I left,he'd be, like,

"Did that guy tell me something?

Should I have been listening?"

( laughter )

It's a crazy world.

You don't knowwhat's gonna happen.

The other day I pulled upto an intersection,

and there was a guy therebefore me going this way, right?

I'm going this way.

But there's a womancrossing in front of his car

that's like setting a pick,so, it's like...

Yeah. So it's likemy right of way.

I can go.

But then she does one these.Like, "Oh..."

She hurries along.

So now he goes,but I'm already out there,

and the guy gives me the bird.

And I don't roll that way.

( laughter )

So I banged a U-y.

And I follow the guy.

Three blocks.

The guy pulls over.

He goes,"What's your problem, bro?"

I go, "Why'd you flip me off?"

He goes, "Cause you cut me off."

I go, "You think thatnecessitates a ( bleep ) you?

And he goes,"You want to get out of the car

and fight about it?"

And I lean down in my glove box,and I go,

"Yeah, I've been dyingto cut somebody."

Guy drove off.( laughter )

Two things, you guys.

I didn't have anythingin my glove box.

And that story isn't even true.

( laughter and applause )

I thought of that afterwards.

I'm, like, "I should have saidI want to cut somebody."

( laughter )

You just don't... you don't knowwhat's gonna happen.

It's a crazy world.

sitting in my car,messing with the radio.

I got the hazards on.

You know, I'm messingwith the radio.

( laughter )

She liked that.

Messing with the radio,got the hazards on.

Door opens up, she gets in.

At least I think it's her.

I turn,and there's just some dude

sitting in my passenger's seat.

And I go, "Yeah, bro?"

And he goes, "Oh, my bad."

Gives me a fist bump,gets out of the car.

( laughter )

I drive a teal greenHonda Accord.

He went to the corner and gotinto a red Ford Explorer.

( laughter )


It's one of those situationsI could have back,

'cause I would have done itcompletely different.

Messing with the radio,guy gets in, door opens up.

"Huh? Huh?""Oh, my bad."

Gives a fist bump.

I would have gone,"You know what? It is your bad."

Grab him by the wrist,yanked him in.

I'm, like, "You're comingwith me right now.

"Two tickets, Gloria Estefan.

Miami Sound Machine.Revival tour, bro."

( laughter and applause )

"Rhythm's gonna get you.

What are you gonna doabout it?"

This week-- ViolenceAwareness Day, this week.

Anyone celebrating that?

I don't even knowwho knows about that day.

( laughter )

Does anyone, like,carry that out?

Like, come home.

"Yo, Tina, hey!

"I thought I told youto clean these pans, girl.

I would smack you if it wasn'tViolence Awareness Day."

( laughter )"You wait till 12:01.

You wait till 12:01."

It's crazy.

I understand it, but I...

I understandpeople think things,

but I just don't alwaysfollow them through.

You know what I mean? Like,sometimes I'll stand

in an intersection, and there'llbe, like, a guy next to me,

and I'll just think to myself,

"Does this guy have any ideaI could kill him right now?"

Any idea.( laughter )

Like, you walk by someone,like, loading their groceries

into the trunk of their car,and you're, like,

"Dude, could you make itany easier?

I'll slam it down, shove you,and I'm out."

( laughter )Wouldn't find that guy for days.

I don't follow it out,I just think about it.

( laughter )

That's why I'd be scaredto have kids in this...

You know what I mean,have kids in this world?

It's a... I hate when parentslet their kids run around.

You ever do that?

You're, like, having dinner,and a little kid comes up

to your table, and at first,

you're, like, "Hey, littlebuddy," and then

after a while, you're, like,"Get the hell out of here."

I hate that they just thinkthey can let their kids run.

This is what I would do,and I think we should all do.

Try this. Next time you seea little kid running around

like that, wait till the parentsaren't watching.

Wait till they're not watching.

Run up, grab the kid, and thenhide out of sight a little bit.

Not far, not far,just a little bit.

Wait till you see a little fearin their eyes.

Wait till you seea little fear in their eyes.

Then walk back over and go,"Here's your kid.

"Keep an eye on your kid.

"He almost got hit by a truck.I just saved his life."