CC Presents: Gilbert Gottfried

  • 06/16/2002

Gilbert Gottfried imagines OJ Simpson's parenting strategy and what makes Jesus feel insecure.

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

GILBERT GOTTFRIED>> THAT WAS

JUST FOR CLIMBING DOWN THE

STAIRS.

ANYWAY...

YOU'RE A GREAT CROWD.

YOU'RE A GREAT CROWD.

JUST CALM DOWN.

I ENVY YOU I REALLY ENVY YOU,

TO BE ABLE TO COME HERE AND

SEE ME.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S SUCH A THRILL FOR YOU

BUT JUST DON'T GET GIDDY.

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T GET

GIDDY.

'CAUSE YOU GET GIDDY YOU'RE

GONNA TAKE SOMEONE'S EYE OUT.

THAT'S THE NATURAL PROGRESSION

OF GIDDY.

FIRST YOU GET GIDDY AND THEN YOU

TAKE SOMEONE'S EYE OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

ONCE WHEN I WAS AT LIFE'S LOWEST

EBB, AND I FELT LIKE NO ONE

WOULD EVER LOVE OR ACCEPT ME.

I THOUGHT I'D KILL MYSELF AND

I CHECKED INTO A MOTEL ROOM

IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND

I WAS LYING THERE IN THE DARK.

WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE

WAS A WARM GLOW OF LIGHT AND

I LOOKED UP AND CHRIST WAS

STANDING OVER ME LIKE THIS,

AND I LOOKED UP AT HIM AND HE

LOOKED DOWN AT ME AND FINALLY

HE SPOKE AND SAID, "GILBERT,

AM I FAT?"

(LAUGHTER)

I SAID, "I DON'T THINK SO.

I THINK YOU LOST WEIGHT".

HE SAID, "WELL, YA KNOW,

I'VE BEEN RUNNING."

AND I SAID TO HIM, "JESUS,

YOU WENT--"

PLEASE JEEZ!"

(LAUGHTER)

HE LIKES TO BE CALLED JEEZ.

ALL HIS FRIENDS CALL HIM JEEZ.

ON HIS LICENSE PLATE IT'S A

BUNCH OF G'S IN A ROW.

(LAUGHTER)

SO YOU READ IT, YOU GO "G, G. G.

JEEZ.

OH."

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T KNOW WHO HE HAS ON HIS

DASH BOARD...

(LAUGHTER APPLAUSE)

FOR A WHILE IT WAS LIKE

A MORPHIN POWER RANGER,

BUT IT LOOKED STUPID.

AND I SAID TO HIM, "JEEZ, G-Z,

G-Z BOY, I FEEL LIKE NO ONE WILL

EVER ACCEPT ME."

AND JESUS LOOKED AT ME AND SAID,

"YOU KNOW WHAT MY THEORY IS?

ACCEPT ME OR GO TO HELL."

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND THEN AS HE WAS WALKING OUT

HE TURNED TO ME AND SAID,

"HEY, I MIGHT NOT BE BACK

FOR A FEW THOUSAND YEAR.

YOU WANT ME TO DO ANYTHING,

LIKE END WAR?"

AND I SAID "NO, YOU'RE A GUEST,

GET OUTTA HERE."

"I CAN CURE A FEW DISEASES."

"NO, NO, GO, GO AND TAKE SOME

CAKE WITH YA.

(LAUGHTER)

I ALWAYS FEEL SORRY FOR--

I'VE ALWAYS FELT SORRY FOR

JESUS.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, NO MATTER WHAT

HE EVER DID, HE COULD NEVER LIVE

UP TO HIS FATHER.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU FIGURE, IF YOUR FATHER'S GOD

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO THAT'S

SO IMPRESSIVE?

SO JESUS WOULD MAKE THESE

LONG SPEECHES AND GO, "PUT YOUR

FAITH IN ME."

"YEAH, THAT'S NICE.

HOW'S YOUR FATHER DOING?"

(LAUGHTER)

"HE'S DOING OKAY.

I WILL GRANT YOU HAPPINESS."

"OH, THAT'S NICE.

YOU'LL TELL YOUR FATHER I SAID

HELLO, THOUGH?"

"HOW ABOUT ETERNAL LIFE?"

"YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S CUTE,

BUT YOUR FATHER, YOU'LL TELL HIM

MY NAME?

YEAH."

(LAUGHTER)

AT THE LAST SUPPER, HOW COME

NO ONE SAT AT THE OTHER SIDE

OF THE TABLE?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WHY DID EVERYONE HAVE TO SQUEEZE

IN LIKE THIS?

THINKING THEY COULD'VE MOVED

LIKE ONE PERSON OVER THERE.

IT'S JUST AS WELL THEY DIDN'T

HAVE PEOPLE ON THAT SIDE.

IT WOULD HAVE LOOKED STUPID

TO HAVE PEOPLE IN THE PICTURE

LIKE THIS.

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK ORIGINALLY THERE WERE

PEOPLE ON THE OTHER SIDE

BUT THOSE WERE THE ONES GOING,

"YOU KNOW, THE AIR-CONDITIONER

HITS ME RIGHT ON THE BACK

OF THE NECK."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

A MIDGET PUTTING A DIME

IN A PAYPHONE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

GILBERT GOTTFRIED>> A CANNIBAL

FROM EVERY OLD JUNGLE FILM.

(LAUGHTER)

IRONSIDE.

(LAUGHTER)

IRONSIDE TAKING A NAP.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

MICKEY MOUSE ON ACID,

"OH, GOD, I'M FREAKING OUT!

OH, NOOOO, I'M HAVIN'

A BAD TRIP!"

(LAUGHTER)

A CANNIBAL STICKING HIS

TONGUE OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

LET'S TURN TO THE OLD TESTAMENT.

IF YOU HAVE THE OLD TESTAMENT

AT HOME, IF YOU FLIP THE CORNER

PAGES, YOU CAN SEE JESUS RIDING

A HORSE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND HE WAS GOOD.

FLIPS HIS HAT UP AND DOWN.

ON THE OTHER SIDE THERE'S

A FAT LADY WITH A HOOLA-HOOP.

BACK THEN EVERYONE THOUGHT

THE FAT LADY WITH THE HOOLA-HOOP

WOULD BECOME FAMOUS.

NO ONE THOUGHT JESUS WAS GOING

ANYWHERE.

AND THE FAT LADY WITH THE

HOOLA-HOOP HAD BETTER

MANAGEMENT.

TODAY YOU'D WAKE UP IN THE

MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO GO TO THE

BATHROOM, STUB YOUR TOE AND GO,

"OWWW, FAT LADY WITH A

HOOLA-HOOP!

OHHH, YOU FAT LADY WITH A

HOOLA-HOOP!"

(LAUGHTER)

I WISH SOMETIMES THAT I COULD

LOSE MY TEMPER THE WAY THAT

CHARLTON HESTON DID IN THE

ORIGINAL PLANET OF THE APES.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT SCENE WHERE HE SAID,

"TAKE YOUR PAWS OFF ME,

YOU DAMN DIRTY APES!"

AND HE DID THAT AFTER THEY

THREW A NET ON HIM.

IT'S LIKE BEFORE THEN EVERYTHING

WAS OKAY.

SOMETHING ABOUT MONKEY'S

THROWING A NET ON HIM,

THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT!

NOW I'M ANGRY!

BEFORE THEN, HE LANDS ON A

PLANET OF TALKING MONKEYS,

THEY CHASE AFTER HIM, THEY SHOOT

AT HIM, THEY KILL THE OTHER

TWO GUYS, STUFF THEM, NAIL 'EM

TO A WALL.

THAT'S FINE.

BUT THEN THEY THROW A NET ON HIM

AND IT'S LIKE ALL RIGHT,

ALL RIGHT, I'VE PUT UP WITH

ENOUGH.

IT'S WHEN YOU LOOK BACK ON THAT

MOVIE IT'S JUST A RUBBER MONKEY

MASK IN A JUMP SUIT.

AND THEY ALL HAD THOSE RUBBER

MONKEY MOUTHS.

WHERE THEY'D SPEAK AND IN THE

MIDDLE OF WHAT THEY WERE SAYING,

THE MOUTH WOULD GO...

(LAUGHTER)

THE MONKEY WOULD BE GIVING

A LONG IMPASSIONED SPEECH

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE MOUTH

WOULD GO...

(LAUGHTER)

SOMETIMES ONE MONKEY WOULD BE

TALKING AND THE OTHER MONKEY

WOULD GO...

(LAUGHTER)

SOMETIMES TWO MONKEYS WOULD BE

YELLING AT EACH OTHER AND WAY

IN THE BACK A MONKEY WOULD GO...

AND YOU HAVE TO IGNORE THE FACT

THAT WHEN IT OPENS IT'S MOUTH

THERE WAS ANOTHER MOUTH

UNDERNEATH.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S LIKE "PLEASE IGNORE

THIS MOUTH.

DO NOT LOOK AT THIS MOUTH.

ONLY LOOK AT THE RUBBER MONKEY

MOUTH."

THEN ALSO IN THE MOVIE THEY

HAD THAT LIKE RED-HAIRED GORILLA

WITH THE ENGLISH ACCENT

THAT WAS THEIR LEADER.

THEY NEVER EXPLAINED IF THERE'S

NO ENGLAND IN THE PICTURE,

HOW DID HE GET THAT ACCENT?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU'D THINK, AT LEAST ONE OF THE

MONKEYS WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE

GOING, "WHY'S HE TALKING THAT

WAY?"

(LAUGHTER)

I'M REALLY GLAD THAT

O.J. SIMPSON HAS CUSTODY

OF THE KIDS.

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK O.J. WILL MAKE A GREAT

FATHER.

SEE THE AVERAGE PARENT SAYS,

"DO YOUR HOMEWORK."

AND THE KIDS ARE LIKE,

"YEAH, I'LL DO IT AFTER I GET

THROUGH WATCHING TV."

O.J. SAYS, "DO YOUR HOMEWORK,

IT'S LIKE, "YES!

I'M DOING IT RIGHT NOW!

AND I'M DOING NEXT YEARS

HOMEWORK, ALSO!

I'M WRITING MY GRADUATION SPEECH

FOR COLLEGE!"

YOU KNOW, THE AVERAGE PARENT

SAYS CLEAN YOUR ROOM, IT'S LIKE

"MAYBE TOMORROW I'LL CLEAN IT."

O.J. SAYS CLEAN YOUR ROOM,

IT'S LIKE, "YES, AND

I'M PAINTING IT!"

I'M ADDING A SUN DECK!"

(LAUGHTER)

THEY TALK THAT WAY.

EVERY TIME YOU OPEN THE PAPER

NOW THERE SEEMS TO BE ANOTHER

CELEBRITY GETTING ARRESTED

FOR MASTURBATION.

FIRST IT WAS PEE-WEE HERMAN,

AND THEN GEORGE MICHAEL.

IF MASTURBATION IS A CRIME,

I SHOULD BE ON DEATH ROW.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I SHOULDA BEEN EXECUTED

YEARS AGO.

TO THINK THAT BY AGE TWELVE

I WAS ALREADY AL CAPONE.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S LIKE RIGHT NOW,

MY RIGHT HAND IS LIKE SUPERMAN.

PUT A PIECE OF CHARCOAL IN IT

AND I COULD CRUSH IT INTO A

DIAMOND.

IT'S LIKE IF A POLICEMAN CAME

TO ARREST ME THEY'D SAY, "OKAY,

NOW WHEN YOU GO CLOSE TO HIM,

MAKE SURE YOU DON'T GET NEAR HIS

RIGHT ARM.

IT'S EXTREMELY POWERFUL."

THE COPS WOULD BE COMING

AFTER ME AND I'D BE, "STAY BACK!

I'LL CRUSH ALL OF YOU!"

(LAUGHTER)

HOW EXACTLY DO THEY PROVE

THAT YOU'VE BEEN MASTURBATING?

DO THEY DUST FOR PRINTS?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SOMETIMES I LIKE TO GO CLOTHES

SHOPPING WITH COLISTA FLOCKHART.

WHENEVER WE GO OUT SHOPPING

TOGETHER, SHE COMES OUT OF

THE CHANGING ROOM EACH TIME

WITH A DIFFERENT OUTFIT AND GOES

"DOES THIS DRESS MAKE MY

SPINAL CHORD LOOK BIG?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

FINALLY, I GOT A LITTLE WORRIED

AND I TOOK HER TO THE DOCTOR

FOR A CHECK-UP.

THEY DON'T ACTUALLY X-RAY HER

THE NURSE STANDS BEHIND HER

WITH A FLASH LIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

"OH, YEAH, THAT LOOKS PRETTY

NORMAL."

LAST TIME THEY GOT A LITTLE

WORRIED THEY FOUND A SUSPICIOUS

LUMP, THEN THEY SAID,

"IT'S OKAY.

SHE SWALLOWED A RAISIN.

(LAUGHTER)

I VISITED DR. KEVORKIAN ONCE

AND HE SAID, "HOW ARE YOU?"

I WENT "FINE, FINE!

(LAUGHTER)

"I DON'T KNOW, TO ME YOU LOOK

A LITTLE PALE?"

"I FEEL GREAT!"

GILBERT GOTTFRIED>> ONCE, I WAS

ON A CAMPING TRIP, AND I GOT

SEPARATED FROM MY PARTY.

AND THEN I WAS LOOKING AROUND,

IT WAS GETTING COLD AND DARK

AND I LOOKED AND THERE WAS A

GIANT SIGN THAT SAID, "WARNING,

YOU HAVE ENTERED THE LAND

OF THREE-NAME PEOPLE."

I WAS ABOUT TO RUN WHEN

SARAH MICHELLE GELLER CAME OUT

AND SAID "THIS IS THE LAND

OF THE THREE-NAME PEOPLE."

HOW MANY NAMES DO YOU HAVE?"

AND THEN JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

CAME OUT AND SAID "THIS IS THE

LAND OF THE THREE-NAME PEOPLE.

HOW MANY NAMES DO YOU HAVE?"

AND I SAID, "I HAVE BUT

TWO NAMES."

AND THEN RAY DON CHUNG AND

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN CAME OUT

SCREAMING, "DEATH TO THE

TWO-NAME BOY!"

AND I STARTED TO RUN AWAY.

WHEN SARAH JESSICA PARKER,

MARY LOUISE PARKER AND

JULIA LOUIS DREYFUS CAME OUT

SCREAMING, "DEATH TO THE

TWO-NAME BOY!"

AND THEN EDWARD JAMES ALMOS,

HARRY DEAN STANTON,

BILLY BOB THORTON,

JAMES EARL JONES

AND CHARLES NELSON REILLY

CAME OUT SCREAMING, "DEATH

TO THE TWO-NAME BOY!"

AND THEN MARK PAUL GOSSLER,

TIFFANI-AMBER THIESSEN,

AND BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN CAME OUT

AND GRABBED ME AND SAID,

"DEATH TO THE TWO-NAME BOY!"

AND THEN A GROUP OF GENTILES

CAME OUT AND SAID, "IS THIS

DEATH TO THE JEW-NAME BOY?"

AND I SAID "NO, TWO NAME."

AND THEY SAID, "OH, SORRY

FOR INTERRUPTING."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND THEY JUST...

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

AND THEN MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN,

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS,

DAVID OGDEN STIERS,

DAVID ALAN GRIER,

AND DAVID HYDE PIERCE CAME OUT

SCREAMING, "DEATH TO THE

TWO-NAME BOY!"

AND THEN JUST ABOUT EVERYONE

WHO HAS EVER BEEN A CAST MEMBER

ON THE COSBY SHOW CAME OUT

SCREAMING, "DEATH TO THE

TWO-NAME BOY!"

AND THEN LEE VAN CLEEF,

LEE TAYLOR YOUNG,

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH,

SHERYL LEE RALPH,

ROSCOE LEE BROWN,

GINA LEE NOLAN, RACHEL LEE COOK,

JOHNNY LEE MILLER,

TOMMY LEE JONES,

RICKY LEE JONES,

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

AND DAVID LEE ROTH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND I PULLED MYSELF AWAY.

AND I RAN AND RAN AND RAN.

"SO YOU DID A LOT OF RUNNING?"

"NO, I RAN AND RAN."

"SO YOU DID QUITE A BIT A--"

"NO, I RAN FOR DAYS AND DAYS

AND DAYS.

"SO, AH, WHAT, A WEEK?"

"NO, I RAN AND THEN I COLLAPSED.

AND WHEN I WOKE UP A GIRL

WAS LEANING OVER ME AND I SAID,

"WHAT IS THY NAME, YOUNG WENCH?"

AND SHE SAID, "MADONNA."

(LAUGHTER)

AND I SAID, "YOU ONLY HAVE

ONE NAME?

I HAVE TWO."

AND AT THAT POINT PRINCE

CAME OUT AND SADE AND VANITY

AND APPALONEA AND BRANDY

AND TOPAL AND CHER AND KONTAFLAS

AND FABIAN AND TIFFANY AND CHARO

AND TWIGGY AND LIBERACE AND

JEWEL AND STING AND THEY SAID,

"IN THE LAND OF THE ONE-NAME

BOY, THE TWO-NAME BOY

SHALL RULE!"

AND WE DANCED AND CELEBRATED.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND THEN I COLLAPSED 'CAUSE IT

WAS A PRETTY LONG WEEK

ALL-IN-ALL.

AND WHEN I WOKE UP LEANING

OVER ME WAS MICHAEL J. FOX,

GEORGE C. SCOTT, DAVID E. KELLY,

MARY J. BLIDGE, E. G. MARSHALL,

C. THOMAS HOWELL,

M. EMMET WALSH, G.T. WALSH,

LEE J. COBB, JAMES L. BROOKS,

G. D. SPRADLEND

AND EDWARD G. ROBINSON,

S.J. PERLMAN, H. G. WELLS,

JOHN C. REILLY, E.F. HUTTON,

J.P. MORGAN,

AND SAMUEL L. JACKSON SCREAMING,

"DEATH TO THE MAN WITHOUT

THE PRETENTIOUS INITIALS!"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GILBERT GOTTFRIED>> I ALWAYS

FELT BAD FOR MOTHER TERESA.

MOTHER TERESA LIVED HER

WHOLE LIFE HELPING STARVING

CHILDREN AND DYING VILLAGES

BUT SHE COULD NEVER BE DECLARED

A SAINT 'CAUSE SHE NEVER

ACTUALLY PERFORMED A MIRACLE.

AND IT WAS LIKE TOWARDS THE END

SHE WAS LIKE DESPERATE

TO PERFORM A MIRACLE.

SO SHE WOULD GO UP TO STARVING

CHILDREN AND GO, "WHAT'S THAT

BEHIND YOUR EAR?

IT'S A QUARTER!"

(LAUGHTER)

MY IMITATION OF DAVEY JONES

FROM THE MONKEYS.

(LAUGHTER)

A POLISH SYMBOL PLAYER.

(LAUGHTER)

JERRY SEINFELD AS HAMLET.

(LAUGHTER)

(IMITATING JERRY SEINFELD)

TO BE OR NOT TO BE...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD BE

OR NOT?

SOME PEOPLE BE.

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE THAT BE?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

ELMER FUDD IN APOCALYPSE NOW.

(IMITATING ELMER FUDD)

"OH, DA, HAWAW, DA HAWAW.

I KIWWED THE WITTLE VIETNAMESE,

HEEE-HEE-HEE."

(APPLAUSE)

YOSEMITE SAM WHEN HE'S CHASED

BUGS BUNNY OFF A CLIFF AND

HE'S STANDING THERE IN MID-AIR

NOT REALIZING TILL LATER THAT

HE'S ABOUT TO FALL.

(IMITATING YOSEMITE SAM)

"A-HEE-A-HOO, A, HA, A, HEE,

A, HU, A-EEEEEWWWW."

(LAUGHTER)

BOB DYLAN WHEN HE'S CHASED

BUGS BUNNY OFF A CLIFF AND

HE'S STANDING THERE IN MID-AIR

NOT AWARE TILL LATER THAT

HE'S ABOUT TO FALL.

(IMITATING BOB DYLAN)

"A-HEE-A-HOO, A HAA-AA-HEE-A-HOO

A-HAA-AE-EEWWW.

THANK YOU.

GOOD NIGHT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

CAPTIONED BY

mCCaptioning Services.

Loading...