Michael Jackson Halloween

  • Season 2, Ep 6
  • 10/31/2012

Noah really gets into his Halloween costume, and white zombies attack.

- OH, HERE WE GO,WE GOT MORE.

HEY!

WHAT'S UP, TED AND ANNETTE?COME ON IN.

YES. FANGS FOR COMING.[laughs]

HAVE A BLOODY GOOD TIME.

AWESOME.OH! OH.

- [sings like Michael Jackson]♪ EE-HEE!

- THERE HE IS.WHAT'S UP, NOAH?

- ♪ SHAM ON! - MICHAEL JACKSON.

- ♪ [vocalizing] - OH, HERE IT IS.

- ♪ HEE-HEE! - YEAH, THAT'S WHAT HE DOES.

- ♪ HEE-HEE! - THAT'S MICHAEL JACKSON.

- ♪ HEE-HEE! - ALL RIGHT.

- ♪ HEE-EE HEE!

- GREAT!- OW!

- NICE.- ♪ HO!

♪ SHAM! - OH, THERE WE GO.

- ♪ SHAM! - THERE WE GO.

- ♪ SHAM! - ALL RIGHT, THREE'S THE CHARM.

- ♪ SHAM ON! - FOUR.

- HA!- ALL RIGHT, WELL--

- ♪ ANNIE, ARE YOU OKAY?

- OH! HE'S LEANING.HE'S LEANING.

- ♪ ARE YOU OKAY, ANNIE? - ALL RIGHT.

ARE YOU OKAY?- ♪ ANNIE

♪ ARE YOU OKAY, ANNIE?

♪ YOU'VE BEEN TOUCHED BYA SMOOTH CRIMINAL ♪

- VERY NICE.- HA!

- OH, HERE WE GO.- ♪ SHAMONE! HA!

- OH, MORE KICKS.- HA! CLOSER! CLOSER!

- MORE KICKS. YOU'RE--- CLOSE TO YOUR FACE!

- YOU--AH! YOU ALMOST HIT ME THERE.

- ♪ [vocalizing] - YOU'RE REALLY GETTING--

- ♪ SHAM ON! - NO MORE SHAMONES.

- ♪ [vocalizing]HOO HOO! ♪

- YOU WANT TO COME INSIDE?

- OH! HA! HA!

- THAT'S ANNOYING.THAT IS VERY ANNOY--

STOP. STOP! J--DON'T DO IT ANYMORE.

- HA!

♪ YO! SHAMONE! - GREAT.

JUST KEEP DOING THE SHAMONE.- OH!

- THAT'S THE ONE--- ♪ WHERE THE CHILDREN AT?

♪ HEE! HEE! - "WHERE THE CHILDREN AT?"

- ♪ JESUS JUICE! HO! - THAT'S IN BAD TASTE.

THIS ISN'T--- [growls]

- DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT THAT IS.

- THRILLER EYES.

♪ SHAMONE! - WHAT--WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- ♪ JAM IT ON!JAM IT ON! ♪

- NO, YOU'RE CUT OFFOF SHAMONES.

- I'M--OH, OKAY.HA!

- YOU ARE--HE DOESN'TSLAP HIS ASS LIKE THAT,

SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT--OKAY.

- ♪ NAH-NAH-NAH,NAH-NAH-NAH, NAH-NAH-NAH-NAH ♪

♪ NAH-NAH - NO, HE DOESN'T--

I'VE NEVER SEEN HIMHIT HIS ASS--

HEY. BUT NO--- O-OH!

[prolonged yell]- HEY--CAN WE JUST--HEY--

- [prolonged yell]- HEY, MAN--

- [prolonged yell]- HEY, STOP--STOP IT! STOP IT!

STOP IT!

THE [bleep] COSTUME'SAWFUL,

THE IMPRESSION IS STUPIDAND PLAYED OUT,

EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHERWAS MICHAEL JACKSON

THREE YEARS AGOWHEN HE DIED!

- HE DIED?

- OH.- WAIT--WAIT, HE DIED?

- OH, NOAH.

- [sighs]- OH, NOAH--

- ♪ BOO HOO

- WHAT?NO, WAIT--WAIT A SECOND.

DON'T SAD-MOONWALK AWAY.

- ♪ MM, BOO HOO

- YOU KNOW WHAT? LET--- ♪ BOO HOO!

- HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

[ominous music]

- [breathing heavily]ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP.

SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT'SCLOSE BY--WE'LL BE SAFE THERE.

- OKAY.- STAY CLOSE.

- [blows air]- I'LL GET YOU OUT OF HERE.

- [snarling]

all: [screaming]

[screaming and whimpering]

- OH, MY GOD!- OH, MY GOD!

- THEY GOT BRAD!- [whimpers]

- THEY GOT BRAD!THEY GOT BRAD!

- HEY, THEY DIDN'T GET US!THEY DIDN'T GET US!

- [whimpers]- OKAY? WE'RE STILL ALIVE.

- YEAH, RIGHT.- KEEP IT TOGETHER.

- YEAH, OKAY.- WE GOTTA MAKE IT

TO THAT SHERIFF'S STATION.- RIGHT.

OH, MY GOD.

- [gasps]

- [screaming]

- WE GOTTA GO THROUGH 'EM.JUST STAY TOGETHER,

KEEP MOVING,AND DON'T GET BIT.

GO!

- [whimpering]

- ARE YOU GETTING THIS?- YEAH, WHAT IS UP?

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.LET'S GO.

- THIS ISSOME CRAZY [bleep].

IT'S--WHAT?

- UM--

- OH.- AIN'T THAT SOME [bleep]?

- THESE ARE SOME RACISTMOTHER-[bleep] ZOMBIES!

- WHY WOULD YOU EVENLOCK THE DOOR?

I MEAN, THE WINDOW'S BROKEN,AND--

- [gasps]- OKAY.

- OH! OH, HELL, NO.

- THAT'S--- NO, NO, NO.

OH, COME ON!

- WHAT IS THAT?

- THEY SERIOUSLYWOULDN'T LET HER EAT US.

- THAT'S--- HEY, GUYS.

ISN'T THIS GREAT?

THESE RACIST ZOMBIESARE LEAVING US ALONE.

COME ON,WE'RE HAVING A PARTY.

[funk music]

- THE BEER IS HERE!

[cheering]

AND LOOK WHO I BROUGHT.COME ON, MAN.

[cheering]

[ominous music]

OK BUT DO I LOOK IN THE CAMERA?

NO? OH, AT YOU?ALL RIGHT. [chuckles]

LIKE ON TELEVISION,ALL RIGHT.

[magical sparking]

[booming]

- NOW, KNOCK IT OFF!

ALL THE STUPID-ASS GRAB-ASSAND TOUCHY-FEELY BULL[bleep]!

GOD DAMN!I TOLD YOU THEY WAS ROTTEN.

- I AM BARNABUS JACKSON,PRINCIPAL HERE AT CLORTHO'S,

UH, VINCE CLORTHO HIGH.UH--

- [grunts]- THIS STATION'S

JUST A FORMALITY,BUT--

- HERE'S A BUNCH OF STUFF THATWE CONFISCATED JUST THIS WEEK.

- STUFF--WE DON'T HAVETO SHOW THEM THAT.

- HERE'S A WANDWITH A SILENCER ON IT.

WHY?BUT I ASK AGAIN, WHY?

ONE OUT OF FIVE GIRLSIN THIS SCHOOL

IS PREGNANTWITH A DEMON BABY!

- WELL--- ONE OUT OF FIVE!

- OKAY.[laughs]

THE BABIES ARE EVIL,

BUT THE MOTHERS,THEY'RE GOOD KIDS.

AS WE SAY AT CLORTHO'S,"THERE'S NEVER A PORTAL

THAT CANNOT BE OPENEDWITH INGENUITY AND RESPECT."

[can spraying]- NOW--

- [scoffs]

HOW YOU GON' BE USINGAN INVISIBLE CLOAK,

WHEN I CAN SEEYOU'RE TAGGING THE DAMN WALL?

- [laughs]

- DIME BAG OF PIXIE DUST.

- [scoffs]- CONTRABAND.

- SEE,HERE'S THE THING,

THE KIDS KNOWTHAT THE ONLY WAY TO FLY IS--

- WIZARD PEPPER.- UNBELIEVABLE.

GET YOUR ASSOUT MY OFFICE.

I WILL TURN YOUINTO A SPIDER!

THEY'RE GOOD KIDS.

[school bell ringing]HOGWARTS AND CLORTHO'S,

CLORTHO'S AND HOGWARTS,THEY GO HAND-IN-HAND,

THE BEST TOP TWOWIZARDING SCHOOLS THERE ARE.

BUT YOU KNOW,OUT OF THESE TWO SCHOOLS,

WE EACH HAVE A STRIKE.

WE DO SCORE A LITTLE BIT LOWERON STANDARDIZED TESTS

THAN HOGWARTS,BUT THERE IS A CULTURAL BIAS.

WE MAY NOT HAVEA HUGE ENDOWMENT

LIKE THEY GETOVER AT HOGWARTS,

AND YES,SOME OF THE TEACHERS

HAVE TO BUY THEIR OWNNEWT'S EYES OR BAT WINGS OR--

- ONE KID GOT TRANSFORMEDINTO A CAT.

THEY CAN'T EVEN AFFORDTO CHANGE HIM BACK.

- THIS YOUNG MAN'S NAMEIS JAMAR.

NORMALLY, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWEDTO TOUCH THE STUDENTS LIKE THIS

WHEN THEY'REIN HUMAN FORM,

BUT WHEN THEY'RE A CAT,WE JUST HAVE AT IT.

SPORTS.

EVERYBODY LOVES SPORTS.

IT'S TRUE.- NOT EVERYBODY.

- THE HALLWAYSARE A-BLUSTER

WITH THE CONVERSATIONOF OUR QUIDDITCH TEAM.

- HALF THE TEAMIS BACK HERE RIDING MOPS.

WE GOT TWO LITTLE [bleep]ON SWIFFERS.

- LESTER!

WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE,THE AVERAGE CLORTHO STUDENT--

[squeaking]UH, SAY--

THIS MOTHER--

[laughs]

SOMETIMES THE KIDSTHINK IT'S CUTE

TO TURN THEMSELVESINTO A RAT,

[laughs]SNEAK INTO MY OFFICE,

PLAY A LITTLE JOKEON ME.

WHO IS THAT?TYRONE, IS THAT--IS THAT--?

NO,THAT'S AN ACTUAL RAT.

SO IM DOING THIS LIKE AIRLINE FOOD DIET.

- YEAH.- IT'S, LIKE, ALL I EAT,

AND I'VE LOST,LIKE, 16 POUNDS.

- OH, MY GOD, AMY.- YEAH.

- I ALMOST FORGOT TO TELL YOU.- WHAT?

- WE GOT A NEW RECEPTIONISTAT WORK.

- EW! NO WAY.- YEAH.

SO I'M IN THE COMMON AREA ALONE,MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS...

- YEAH--OH,SHE SAID SOMETHING TO YOU?

- SHE CAME UP TO ME,AND NO JOKE, SHE'S LIKE,

"HI, I'M SANDY.I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET YET."

- [gasps]SHE SAID THAT TO YOU?

- LIKE, NO, AMY,I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING YOU.

SHE'S CRAZY.- UM, YEAH!

- NO, LIKE, I'M SCARED,LIKE, CRAZY,

LIKE, GET THIS BITCHAWAY FROM ME,

SHE'S SOCIOPATHICALLYBAT [bleep] CRAZY.

- OH, MY GOD,THAT TOTALLY REMINDS ME,

I HAVE A NEW NEIGHBOR.- EW, YEAH?

- SHE COMES OVER TO MY HOUSE,SHE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

WITH, LIKE,A PACKAGE UNDER HER ARM.

- UM, STALKER MUCH?- UM, YEAH.

AND SHE LOOKS ME IN THE EYE,AND SHE SAYS TO ME,

"UM, EXCUSE ME,I THINK THE POSTMAN

DROPPED THIS PACKAGE OFFAT MY HOUSE BY ACCIDENT."

- [gasps] SHE SAID THAT TO YOU?- [gasps] YEAH.

- CRAZY BITCH!- I MEAN, LIKE,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO MOVEBECAUSE THIS BITCH IS

NUTBURGERS-MCLOONEYTUNES,

STAND-AT-THE-FOOT-OF-MY-BEDWITH-A-KNIFE CRAZY.

- OH, MY GOD,THAT TOTALLY REMINDS ME!

- OH, YEAH.- YOU REMEMBER THAT GIRL

AT STARBUCKS?- THE CRAZY ONE?

- NO, A DIFFERENT ONE.SHE'S NEW.

- I HAVEN'T MET HER YET.- WELL, SHE'S CRAZY.

- UH-HUH.- SHE GIVES ME MY CHANGE,

AND THEN SHE'S LIKE,"THANKS, BYE."

- [gasps]SHE SMILED AT YOU LIKE THAT?

- HOW CRAZY IS THAT?- THAT'S, LIKE--

THAT'S, LIKE,INSANE-IN-THE-MEMBRANE CRAZY.

LIKE, THIS IS THE MEMBRANE,SHE'S INSIDE OF IT,

'CAUSE THAT'S INSANE.- NO, I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING YOU,

AMY, THAT'S CRAZY LIKE, IT-PUTS-THE-LOTION-IN-THE-BASKET,

OR-ELSE-IT-GETS-THE-HOSE-AGAIN,CRAY-TO-THE-MOTHER[bleep] CRAY!

- YEAH, LIKE, IF JAY-ZHAD A SISTER,

HER NAMEWOULD BE "CRAY."

- HEY!

YOU LADIESWANT TO MEET CHANNING TATUM?

- [gasps]

IS HE REALLY IN THERE?- ARE YOU SERIOUS?

OH, CHANNING!- [gasps] OH, MY GOD, CHANNING!

- CHANNING,WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN A VAN?

- THIS IS EFFING CRAZY.I DON'T SEE YOU, CHANNING.

WHY ARE YOU HIDING?- WHY ARE YOU IN HERE?

- CHANNING, ARE YOU, LIKE,IN A LITTLE BALL

IN THE FRONT SEAT?- HELLO?

IT SMELLS LIKE MILDEWIN HERE.

- I BET--- OW! SHARP, JAGGED, RUSTY EDGE.

- IS THAT A MEAT HOOK?- CHANNING--

SO UH YOUR OFFICE IS ALL THE WAYDOWN AT THE END.

- MM-HMM.

- YOU HAVE YOUR OWN ATTACHEDBATHROOM, BY THE WAY.

OH, UM, HERE'S ONEOF OUR BEST RESEARCHERS.

DICK?- HEY.

- AH, HELLO THERE.

[dramatic music]WHAT'S UP, DUDE?

GLAD TO SEETHERE'S ANOTHER BROTHER

IN THIS STUFFY PLACE.

- SO, UH, THIS IS GONNA BEYOUR ASSISTANT, GENEVIEVE.

[dramatic music]- WHAT IS THIS?

- IT'S THE SHINING, MAN.

ALL BLACK PEOPLEHAVE THE SHINING.

YOU NEVER SHINED WITHANOTHER BLACK PERSON BEFORE?

- NO, I GREW UP

IN A WHITE NEIGHBORHOODAND THEN WENT TO DARTMOUTH.

I'VE METOTHER BLACK PEOPLE BEFORE,

BUT NOT LIKE THIS.

- YOU GOTTA GET SHINED ATBY ANOTHER BLACK PERSON FIRST,

AND THEN YOU GET IT.IT'S KINDA LIKE FACEBOOK.

[dramatic music]- WHAT UP, DUDES?

- SO EVERY BLACK PERSONHAS THIS?

IS KOBE LISTENING?

- [voice of Kobe Bryant]YO, WHAT UP?

- WOW! DENZEL WASHINGTON?

- [voice of Denzel Washington]I'M HERE, I'M PRESENT,

AND I WILL ALWAYSBE AROUND.

- LIL JON?

- [voice of Lil Jon]YEAH!

- [voice of Barack Obama]EXCUSE ME, LIL JON.

WELCOME, RAY.

I'M GLAD TO HAVE YOUON BOARD.

- OH, [bleep]!WHAT'S UP, BARACK OBAMA?

AHEM!

[chuckles]

WOULDN'T THAT BE SOMETHINGIF BARACK OBAMA JUST SHOWED UP?

- YOUR START-UP PAPERWORK'SRIGHT OVER HERE.

[dramatic music]- MAN, YOU GOTTA BE

MORE CAREFUL.

LEARN TO USE THE SHINING.

TUNE IN AND OUT OF IT.OTHERWISE,

YOU WON'T BE ABLETO SORT OUT WHO'S TALKING.

- AND I'M SICK OF THESEGODDAMN SNAKES...

- JUST GIVE METHE BASKETBALL!

- ON THIS GODDAMN PLANE!

- HERE, YO, COCO, WHATYOU WANT TO DRINK, GIRL?

- LEO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- DRINK SOME COLT 45MALT LIQUOR.

[overlapping voices]- WOMEN DIG CHOCOLATE!

- IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

[dramatic music]- RAY!

LISTEN FOR MORGAN.MORGAN FREEMAN.

HE WILL GUIDE YOU.

- [voice of Morgan Freeman]LISTEN TO MY VOICE, RAY.

NOW, JUST STAY CALMAND FOCUS ON THAT WHITE MAN.

- [exhales]

EVERYTHING'SGOING TO BE OKAY.

- ONCE YOU FINISH UPTHIS PAPERWORK,

BRING IT TO JENNIFERIN MY OFFICE.

- [voice of Morgan Freeman]NOW, PICK UP THAT LETTER OPENER,

AND KILL THAT WHITE MAN.