Tuesday, December 2, 2014

  • 12/02/2014

W. Kamau Bell, Tom Rhodes and Greg Proops come up with racy British sex acts, list #StonerSports and guess which bizarre YouTube documentary videos are real.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

HEY YOU KNOW WHAT?

A MANLY SLAP ON THE BUTT TODEADSPIN FOR BRINGING US THIS

AMAZING LOCAL NEWS VIDEO.

IT'S COVERAGE OF A HIGH SCHOOLFOOTBALL STATE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

IN DETROIT.

THAT HONESTLY -- IT PLAYS LIKESOMETHING YOU'D SEE ON ADULT

SWIM AT LIKE, 4 A.M.

INEXPLICABLY YELLING, "REPORTER,TAKE IT AWAY!"

>> A FOOTBALL GAME AT FORDFEILD, FOR HIGH SCHOOL KID?

WHAT COULD BE BETTER THAN THAT.

>> RIGHT NOW, BABY!

YOU WILL KNOW WE CAME TO FORDFIELD!

>> HE HASN'T SLEPT IN PROBABLYSEVEN DAYS!

>> STATE CHAMPIONSHIPS!

>> YEAH!

>> LET'S GO!

>> AT FORD FIELD, JOE LANGDON,FOX 2 NEWS!

>> CHRIS: SO --

>> I LIKE THAT THEY GOT JASONSCHWARTZMAN FORM RUSHMORE

RIGHT THERE.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, RIGHT THERE,FROM RUSHMORE.

100 POINTS FOR THAT REFERENCE.

I'M PRETTY SURE ALL CHARLIELANGTON IS MISSING HERE IS

THE SUIT WITH ALL THE QUESTIONMARKS ON IT.

THE GOVERNMENT'S GIVING AWAYMONEY FOR FREE!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

IT'S FREE!

LOOK AT ALL THIS MONEY!

I THINK OUR FAVORITE MOMENT--AND WHAT'S DEFINETLY GOING TO

BRING HOME THE LOCAL NEWS EMMY--IS CAPTURING THIS YOUNG PLAYER

AT PEAK CONFIDENCE.

>> I THINK I GOT MY SWAGGERBACK!

OH! OH! OH! OH!

>> CHRIS: BUT HOW?

HOW.

AGAIN I ASK YOU HOW AS I POUNDMY HAND AGAINST THIS LECTERN.

HOW DID HE GET HIS SWAGGER BACK?

COMEDIANS, PUT YOURSELF INNUMBER 39'S CLEATS HERE AND TELL

US HOW YOU GOT YOUR SWAGGERBACK.

W. KAMAU BELL.

>> BY GOING TO THE BAHAMAS ANDHAVING A STEAMY AFFAIR WITH TAYE

DIGGS. YEAH!

>> CHRIS: OF COURSE! 100 POINTS.PERFECT

GREG.

>> I DON'T RECALL.

BUT I WOKE UP COVERED INBLING AND BITCHES.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

POINTS.

THANKS TO JEZEBEL, WE'VE LEARNEDTHAT UK HAS PASSED A LAW BANNING

A VIARTY OF UNGODLY B.D.S.M.ACTS IN THEIR PORNOGRAPHY

INCLUDING SPAIMPGING, FACESITTING AND AGGRESSIVE WHIPPING.

SORRY, BRITISH LADIES BUT THEFANTASY OF HAVING YOUR BOTTOM

SLAPPED BY BENJAMIN CUMBERBATCHAT THE TOP OF THE LONDON

EYE IS NOW STRICTLY TABU.

HERE IS A NOW-BANNED VIDEOSHOWING SOME AGGRESSIVE

WHIPPING.

OH, YEAH. GET IN THERE GIRL!YEAH.

USE BOTH HANDS. CUP THE BOWL!

MAKE IT CREAMY!

COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE ME SOMEOTHER BRITISH SEX ACTS THAT

HAVE BEEN BANNED.

KAMAU.

>> DOWNTON GRABBY.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS!

TOM RHODES.

>> BANGERS AND MASH.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR OUR HASHTAGWARS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

GREAT NEWS, VAPE-BRAINS!

AN ARTICLE IN THIS MONTH'S ISSUEOF "MEN'S FITNESS" SUGGESTS THAT

POT MIGHT ACTUALLY MAKE YOU ABETTER ATHLETE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )( LAUGHTER )

NOT IN REAL LIKE, JUST LIKE INNBA2K.

BECAUSE THE SCORE IS ALWAYS4-20 SOMEWHERE, MAN!

SO IN HONOR OF THIS EXCITINGSCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH,

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#STONERSPORTS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE THE HALFSMOKED PIPE.

OR CHEESE CURLING.

OR THE UNEVEN PARALLELPARKING.

( LAUGHTER )

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BIN BEGIN.

TOM RHODES.

>> HOW MANY SKITTLES CAN EACHNOSTRIL HOLD?

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

THE ANSWER IS 7.

YES, KAMAU.

>> FINDING ALBUMS THAT SYNC UPTO THE WIZARD OF OZ.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

YES, KAMAU.

>> MARCH GLADNESS.

>> CHRIS: OH, POINTS. GREGPROOPS.

>> 100-YARD DAB.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

TOM RHODES.

>> HIDE AND GO, OH, LOOK,DORITOS.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS. GREGPROOPS.

>> WAKING UP WITH DICKS DRAWN ONYOUR FACE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

TOM.

>> REMEMBERING YOUR PASSWORD.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

GREG.

>> THE BONG JUMP.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS, PERFECT.

BUT RIGHT NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY"AMERICAN APPAREL."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

PEOPLE, I HAVE GAZED INTO THECOLD ABYSS OF EMPTINESS, AND AN

AMERICAN APPAREL MODEL WASSTARING RIGHT BACK AT ME.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU ASLIDESHOW OF SOME OF THESE

DEAD-EYED HIPSTERS FROM AMERICANAPPAREL'S BLOG, AND FOR 250

POINT I WOULD LIKE YOU TO GIVEME THEIR INNER MONOLOGUE.

I FEEL LIKE IT'S USUALLY LIKE,"WHAT JUST HAPPENED?"

FIRST ONE, THIS PERKY PET OWNER.

THIS PERKY PET OWNER.

VERY EXCITED TO BE WHERE SHE ISRIGHT NOW.

TOM RHODES.

>> I'M HOLDING THIS LITTLE DOGTO DISTRACT FRUTHE FACT THAT

THESE PANTS WILL BE OUT OF STYLEBEFORE YOU EVEN LEAVE THE

STORE.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

I'M NOT SAYING YOU NEED GLASSES,BUT THAT'S A RABBIT.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

>> I'M HOLDING THIS LITTLERABBIT TO DISTRACT YOU FROM THE

FACT THAT --

>> I WILL GIVE YOU THERETROACTIVE--

>> OH!>> CHRIS: THAT'S SO SWEET.

>> SEE, HARMONY IS POSSIBLE.

( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE, THESE FURRYFRIENDS.

THESE FURRY FRIENDS.

YES, GREG.

>> A FEW MORE PHOTOS, AND THENWE KILL OUR PARENTS.

( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

I'M SURE GREG IS REFERRING TOTHE FAMOUS MENENDEZ TRIAL THAT

ALL THE KIDS ARE TALKING ABOUTTHESE DAYS.

( LAUGHTER )

>> IF ONLY THE MENENDEZ BROTHERSHAD BEEN IN PEARL JAM.

>> CHRIS: OH 100 MORE POINT FORGREG PROOPS.

( APPLAUSE )

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

THIS MODEST MAITRE D'.

YES, TOM.

>> IF ONLY MY MOM'S EX-BOYFRIENDCOULD SEE ME NOW.

( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS:POINTS.

LAST ONE, THIS PURE-BRED POSER.

I GET IT.

YOU'RE A DOG!

KAMAU.

>> DAMN YOU, WHITE PEOPLE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: YEP.

YEP.

POINTS.

YUP, ONLY IN AMERICA WE PUT ADOG IN A ( BLEEP ) ZIP-UP

HOODIE.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,"BARCROFT TV."

"BARCROFT TV."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

IF YOU DON'T KNOW,BARCROFT TV IS A YOUTUBE CHANNEL

WITH TENS OF MILLIONS OF VIEWSTHAT SPECIALIZES IN REALLY

BIZARRE HUMAN INTEREST STORIESTOLD TO YOU BY AN INCREDIBLY

EARNEST BRITISH NARRATOR.

OR NAR-A-TOR, AS THEY DON'T SAY

BASICALLY, THEY MAKE EXPOSEƉS OFGIANT TUMORS AND SELF-TANNER

ADDICTS SOUND LIKE A PBSDOCUMENTARY ABOUT THE MAGNA

CARTA.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A STILLFROM ONE OF THEIR VIDEOS AND

I'M GONNA READ YOU TWO OPTIONS.

YOU TELL ME WHAT THE VIDEO ISACTUALLY ABOUT. OKAY.

FIRST ONE, THIS IS KYLE JONES.

DOES HE: DATE A 91-YEAR-OLD ORMAKE HIS OWN EROTIC ACTION

FIGURES?

KAMAU?

>> I REALLY HOPE IT'S DATE'S91-YEAR-OLD.

>> CHRIS: OH MY GOD.

>> I JUST WANNA THINK ABOUT IT.AHHHHH.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, LET'S FINDOUT.

>> BABY-FACED KYLE JONES,LADIES' MAN --

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: NOW, KAMAU, WHAT'S HETHINKING?

>> BREAK THAT HIP, BROTHER.BREAK THAT HIP.

>> CHRIS: DO YOU DATE HER ORCARBONDATE HER? I'M NOT

100 PERCENT SURE.

>> OH!

( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

DOES THIS FUN COUPLE DRINK EACHOTHER'S BLOOD OR PERFORM A

SATANIC CLOWN SHOW FOR THECHILDREN OF GOTHS.

GREG PROOPS.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY THEY PERFORMA SATANIC CLOWN SHOW FOR THE

CHILDREN OF GOTHS.

>> I'D PAY TO SEE THAT. >> EXACTLY.

>> CHRIS: THAT'S GOT TO BE WHATIT IS.

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> YOU WOULD BE FORGIVEN FORTHINKING-- BUT THE GLASSES

ACTUALLY CONTAIN BLOOD.

>> MOST BLOOD HAS COPPERY IRONTASTE TO IT.

>> YOU WILL NEVER, EVER FINDFOOTAGE OF BLACK PEOPLE ANYWHERE

DRINKING EACH OTHER'S BLOOD.

YOU WILL NEVER FIND IT.

YOU WILL NEVER FIND IT.

YOU CAN GOOGLE FOREVER.

THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

DAMN YOU, WHITE PEOPLE!

DAMN YOU!

>> LAST ONE, DOES THIS WOMANSPECIALIZE IN MASSAGE FOR

REPTILES OR EXTREME YOGA FORBABIES?

TOM?

>> EXTREME YOGA FOR BABYIES.

>> CHRIS: LET'S SEE EXTREME YOGAFOR BABIES.

>> NO!

NO!

NO!

>> CHRIS: GREG, YOU LOOKPERPLEXED.

>> WELL I WOULD HAVE RATHER SEENTHE BLOOD FOOTAGE AGAIN.

>> CHRIS: I THINK THIS GUY'SINNER MONOLOGUE IS, "WHATEVER,

IF YOU DROP IT WE CAN JUST MAKEANOTHER ONE."

( LAUGHTER )

AS WE GO TO OUR NEW GAME,"ORANGE

IS THE NEW MIKE."

"ORANGE IS THE NEW MIKE."

ALL RIGHT, GUYS. YOU CAN ALL GETA FULL NIGHT'S SLEEP TONOGHT.

IT'S FINALLY HAPPENED.

2014'S TOP BABY NAMES HAVE BEENRELEASED AND ACCORDING TO

BABYCENTER.COM, ONE OF THEHOTTEST TRENDS IS THE "NETFLIX

EFFECT"-- NAMING BABIES AFTERCHARACTERS ON SHOWS WE

BINGEWATCH, LIKE "ORANGE IS THENEW BLACK."

"SEE, SEE, IF DADDY HAD DONE TOMOMMY WHAT THOSE TWO WOMEN WERE

DOING IN THE SHOWER,YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE AND MOMMY

WOULD SMILE MORE. NOW RUN ALONG,CRAZY EYES."

SO, COMEDIANS, GIVE US SOME MORETV-INSPIRED NAMES FOR YOUR

BABIES.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK.

AND GO. YES, KAMAU.

>> BLACKISH BELL.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

>> MY KIDS ARE MIXED.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, YOU CAN.

GREG.

>> BREAKING TAD.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

GREG AGAIN.

>> WHO'S CHILD ARE YOU, ANYWAY?

>> CHRIS: HEY!

AND SELF-REFERENTIAL.

POINTS.

TOM.

>> ICE ROAD TRUCKER.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

KAMAU.

>> DUCK DYNASTY HOMOPHOB BELL.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

>> THESE ARE THE TWINS --DEADLIEST AND CATCH.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. GREG.

>> LITTLE BIG BANG.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

TOM RHODES.

>> GIRL FONZI.

>> CHRIS: YES. POINTS.

GIRL FONZI.

AAAY.

POINTS.

TOM.

>> KID IN THE HALL.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

KAMAU.

>> BLUE IVY METH BELL.

>> CHRIS: YES.