Seth Green & Jamie Kennedy

  • Season 2, Ep 29
  • 03/23/2004

Birchum hires mourners for his father's funeral, and Marcia needs daycare for her wolf-child.

( phone ringing )

>> Thank you for calling the

Biltmore Coffee Plantation.

This is Tracy.

>> Yes, this is Ezekiel Magoo.

I am minister and head of the

Realm of Mohammed, offshoot of

the Nation of Islam.

And I am calling to complain to

you, sir, about the outrage that

you have set against the Black


Now I want to speak to a manager

because I am outraged.

>> Well, well, sir, you want to

talk to a manager...

>> Yes, I do want to talk to


I want to talk to the person

that is in charge of this place!

>> You're talking to the manager

right now.

>> Coffee Plantation!

>> Now if you would just not be

emotional and give me...

>> I have 400 years of emotion

on my back and so don't tell me

not to be emotional!

>> Sir?

>> The name of your restaurant

is offensive-- "Plantation."

Do I expect to come into your

coffee shop and be whipped on my


>> Why are you yelling at me

about the name?

>> Why don't you call it "Coffee

Concentration Camp"?

How about that?

No, because the Jews... the Jews

would be angry, wouldn't they?

If your coffee were not as

fantastic, I would never come

there, but it is good.

Now, are you okay with this


>> I'm not the person that you

are having an offensive problem


The phone number to the


>> Uh-huh.

>> ( touch tones )


>> ( mimicking ): 0-7-3-8.

>> Yes.

I-I've got-I've got a restaurant

to run.

>> Look, let's just calm down.

You're a little hostile now.

You're going a little crazy.

>> Well, no, 'cause you started


>> Just calm down, just calm


>> You started with "the anger

of 400 years."

>> Yes, but...

>> So I've got to go. Bye.

( phone disconnects )

( phone ringing )

>> Coffee Plantation.

>> Yes, is this the home office

for Coffee Plantation?

>> Yes, it is.

>> Now I called to complain

about the name of your company.

>> But there's nothing wrong

with the name, sir.

>> What do you mean, there's

nothing wrong with it?

Do you know what took place on


>> Yes.

>> People picked cotton.

>> But do you know that there

still are plantations for coffee

right now in different parts of

the world?

>> What?

>> And do you know what goes on

in those places?

>> You lying.

>> People get paid to work.

>> Are they beaten?

>> No.

>> Even sometimes?

>> Nope.

I'm from Africa.

>> I'm African-American.

>> Okay, I'm African-African.

>> So you're just okay with the

plantation thing?

>> We want to portray the people

working in the plantations

having fun, that's our idea.

>> Now, see, let me say this,

maybe 'cause you African, you

don't understand the history of

slavery, because you was over

there celebrating and having a

good time, 'cause you was fast

enough to get away from the

White slave catchers, but we

over here, we got caught and we

had to work on plantations that

wasn't so happy.

I mean, you know, maybe

sometimes it was happy, like a

wedding, but most of the time,

it was bad.

>> I'm telling you is, the

Coffee Plantation name is, it's

not Cotton Plantation or Slavery

Plantation, it's all about...

>> Okay, but look, how about

renaming it The Coffee Serving


>> ( chuckles ): Oh, that's not

a good name, sir.

>> Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Do you serve coffee?

>> Yes.

>> And is it a place?

>> Yes.

>> Thank you.

>> Sir, this name has been here

for 14 years.

We're not going to change the


>> You need to have some kind of

disclaimer then up there.

You need to put on the sign,

"Coffee Plantation" and then

maybe in parenthesis, "Not the

nigga-beating kind."

What's your name?

( steam hissing )

Captioned by

( phone rings )

>> Dixie Fitness. This is

Johnny. May I help you?

>> My name is Gene, uh, Gene

Winterbuck, and I'm calling to

find out a little bit about your


>> Okay. It's a fitness center.

>> Yes.

>> We have a full range of

Nautilus equipment,


>> Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, I'm

sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm really... uh, you're going

so quickly here.

I don't... I-I-I-I... all I

heard was ooh, ah, eee, zim,


Could you just, uh...

Let's list these one at a time.

>> Okay. We have a full range of

Nautilus equipment.

>> Okay, fantastic... and

that-that would be good again

for people who have use of their


>> Yes.

>> I'm in a situation, uh...

Let me explain to you.

I'm in a wheelchair.

>> Uh-huh.

>> I was in a horrible statue

accident out of Washington, and

I'm actually, uh... I'm

completely numb from the... from

the waist down, uh...

>> Mm-hmm.

>> with some... some feeling in

my... around my taint, but,

uh... I-I'm interested in coming

down there, and, uh, getting

into a fitness program--

possibly with a personal


Do you provide that-that sort

of, uh...?

>> Yes, we do.

>> Are your trainers certified?

>> Yes, they are.

>> Does he have an, uh, an


>> What's an S.M.G.? You-you...

>> It's simi... it's similar to

a B.Y.O.B. or a, uh, C.A.T.

>> No.

>> They do not have that?

>> No.

>> That's something you might

want to look into, because

that's going to scare some

people away.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Or T-I-T?

>> Nope.

>> No T-I-T.

>> Nope-- not at this location,

but I... I would... at our

Beachmar location...

>> Yes?

>> Some of the trainers over

there might.

>> But you... not at this

situation, but at the other

situation, they might have, uh,

an-an S.U.C.K.I.T.?

>> Possibly.

>> Does he have a D.I.C., or

yourself-- are you certified

with a D.I.C... with a K option?

>> Nope. Instead-instead of

giving... instead of giving me

initials, give me the whole


>> Oh, okay. I'm just looking at

the, uh, at the, like,

the P.U.B.E.

>> Hey, we're from the old


We've been here 22 years.

I mean, we're... we're very


>> Is the P.R.A.N.K., uh... is

that in effect down there?

Is there a... is there something

like that on the wall?

Or the C.A.L.L.?

>> Which club are you looking


You may not have the right club.

>> No, I'm sorry, uh, Dix...

I know you're Dixie Fitness,

but, uh.. my neighbor across the

yard is screaming something in

my window.

She-she needs something.

I-I'm just going to tell her to

( bleep ) off.

Hold on one second.

Uh, Jinny, not now.

I'm with the fitness program.

Yes, hi. What about the, uh,

the A.B.C.D.E.F.G.


>> Yep.

>> Do you have that as well?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Or the H.A.N.G.U.P.?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> That's great. I'm going to,


I'm going to actually go punch

myself in the face.

>> Okay.

>> Take care.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Bye-bye.

( phone rings )

>> Hi, this is Missy, can I help


>> Missy, my name's Birchum.

You guys run a talent agency,


>> Uh-huh.

>> How much is the minimum,

for the... let's say two hours,

for some talent?

>> Like, well, what kind of job

is it?

>> Well, they wouldn't have to

be doing much; it's a funeral.

I'm not filming it or anything,

I'm just, uh...

Father passed away a couple of

days back.

Due to bury him on Monday.

He didn't have a lot of friends

out this part, and, uh, like to

sort of fill out the crowd a


>> Oh, okay.

>> How many can I get?

>> I know it's kind of short


>> Well, we represent 600

people, so...

>> Oh, do you?

>> ...we have a good talent


>> Yeah, well, let's not overdo


>> ( giggles )

>> I'm thinking about 20, 20


>> Okay.

>> Are they, are they decent


>> Well, yeah.

>> Because I-- here's the thing;

I don't want anybody smiling or

playing grab-ass during the

eulogy, you know what I'm


>> Oh, for sure, yeah-- I mean,

we would let them know that

this is a job, and what it was

that, you know, you're expecting

of them.

We'll let them know that.

>> Now, do you guys deal with

any stunt people?

>> Not really.

>> I'm not talking about

flipping a car or doing the

human torch, but if someone

could jump into the grave, that

would probably be a plus.

Of course, I'm willing to pay

extra for it.

>> We'd have to talk to one of

our guys that... obviously, you


>> All right. You guys handle

all ethnicities over there?

'Cause I'd like to show a

little diversity.

>> Yeah. Yeah, we do.

>> He wasn't a big fan of the

Blacks, but I don't want my

in-laws to know about this, you

know what I'm saying?

>> Okay.

>> You deal with Asians?

>> Uh, yes, we do.

>> You do, huh?

>> And Native Americans, and


>> Hispanics? Okay, you got

Mexicans, you got the Asians,

got the Indians, what else?

>> Do you want them to all be

guys, or do you want there to

be some ladies in there?

>> Oh, no, I'd like some ladies.

>> Okay.

>> These young gals-- do they do

any nude modeling?

>> No.

>> No. Nah, that wouldn't be

appropriate at the funeral,


>> Definitely not.

>> Right, but... nothing

wrong with a bikini, though.

>> Yeah, they own bikinis.

>> Yeah, all right.

Tell the gals under 30 to

wear a bikini to the funeral.

>> Okay.

>> And, uh, nubile young blondes

in French-cut or thong-back.

Bikinis, no one-pieces, right?

>> Okay, and what was your name


>> Name's Birchum.

>> Birchum.

>> Yeah. You do any acting


>> No, can't say I do.

>> This'd be an easy 100 bucks

for you.

>> ( chuckles ): How do you

spell Birchum?

>> How do you look in a thong-


>> That's very inappropriate,


>> How dare you attack the


You understand the pain I'm in?

>> Excuse me?

>> Have you ever lost a parent?

>> Sir, I'll have Dani call you

and she'll handle this.

>> No child should have to

bury his parent.

>> No, they shouldn't.

>> You've never known the pain

of having to hire girls in

bikinis to grieve at their

funerals, have you?

Seriously, what do you look like

in a thong-back?

( hangs up )

( dial tone )

( organ music plays )

( lid creaking )

( grunting )

( man grunts )

( deep voice ): Waa. Waa.


( phone ringing )

>> This is D.J.

How may I help you?

>> Hi, D.J.

Are there any men that work in

your department?

>> Um, not at the moment, but

there are from time to time.

>> Well, here's the thing.

I have kind of a delicate

request and I don't want to

offend any woman.

Don't think me lascivious in any

way, but my wife is a little


>> Okay.

>> It is our anniversary and I

want to buy her something sexy

and more often than not, we can

only shop in children's

departments, other than having

things custom-made.

>> Uh-huh.

>> And she is-she is small.

She is about three foot five.

>> Okay, yeah.

>> Which causes some conflict

when we go to amusement parks,

she can't get on a lot of the


>> Oh, I hadn't thought about

that, yeah...

>> It does, and we've been

together 15 years and let me

just say we know every inch of

each other.

>> That's great.

>> You know, she's got a lot of

sadness in her life.

>> Yeah, it would be rough.

>> But her favorite food is,

like, cotton candy and

gingerbread houses.

>> Sweets. Me, too.

I have a sugar tooth.

>> So I want to do something

really nice for her on our

anniversary about finding her

good clothing.

What do you have?

>> We have some really cute

stuff, but I wouldn't say so far

as sexy.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Because it is manufactured

for children, a lot of the


>> It's hard for us to go

shopping, you know, 'cause

little people, they have trouble

standing for more than 20

minutes at a time.

( kissing )

And a lot of times I piggyback

her and people are like, "Hey,

look, there goes Luke Skywalker

and Yoda" and that's very

offensive to her.

>> Yeah, I can imagine.

>> Yeah, she's a sexy, mature

woman that I love dearly and I

just want to give her a hard

night of passion on our

anniversary, you know what I'm


>> Yeah.

>> Hey, what about, like,

costumes or something like


Y'all sell outfits?

I mean, she's into role playing

a little bit.

>> No.

>> Like... something like a

fuzzy bunny or maybe I could, I

don't know, dress her up like a

bowling ball.

>> We don't have anything like


>> You know, on Halloween, I put

her in a pumpkin shell.

>> That's cute.

I was that for Halloween one


>> You see, there's no real

reason, it's just funny.

>> Yeah.

>> What about suits, like that

Tattoo from the Fantasy Island?

>> No.

>> Like a nice pantsuit or


>> Um...

>> Are you married?

>> Engaged.

>> Oh, you are?

Hey, congratulations.

That's one of the most beautiful


Man, the day that I proposed to

my wife, I had to lay down on

the ground 'cause I couldn't get

down on one knee-- I'm still

bigger than her on one knee.

You guys do any kind of


>> I'm at work right now, I

can't talk about that.

>> You should try a little, uh,

lesbian little person action, it

might satisfy you in a way you

never imagined.

>> I've never tried anything

like that.

>> Yeah, of course not.

That's why I say you should.

I mean, your husband, you guys,

I'm sure, when you get married,

it's the right thing to do is

take care of your husband.

>> I agree.

>> I give her the oral sex

anytime she wants it.

>> Well, she's lucky.

>> And I'll tell you what, her

private parts taste like maple


>> Oh, that's good.

>> So, you want to get in on


You want to try... try the tiny


>> Um, I've got to get going.

I have quite a line here, so...

>> Listen, I'll send her in, you


>> Okay.

>> You might miss her, though,

'cause she's practically


>> Oh, we're always walking

around, I'm sure we'll catch


We got little one-year-olds we


>> With big nets or just with

your bare hands?

>> All right, um, I have to get

you going.

>> All right, once you go

midget, you'll always have

digits... up your butt.

>> Okay.

>> I'll see you later.

>> Okay, thank you.

( phone disconnects )