• Season 4, Ep 5
  • 10/25/2016

Charles Ponzi gets a scheme named after him, Sadie the Goat head butts strangers and takes their money, and Lord Gordon Gordon swindles a robber baron.

Hello,I'm Hillary Anne Matthews.

And today we're going to talkabout Sadie Farrell,

AKA Sadie the Goat.

[dramatic music]

So the year is 1860-ish.

We're in Manhattan, in the Lower East Side,

which is a grizzly locale.

So Sadie pitched a male accomplice.

And she was like,

hey, dude, what if

a guy comes out of a bar

and I will run up to him

and just head-butt him in the stomach

and disorient him?

And he was like, cool.

I will take a slingshot

and from a distance, knock him out.

And that's how she earnedthe nickname "Sadie the Goat."

Because news flash:goats head-butt things.

And Sadie is just running at them

and head-butting them in the stomach.


[imitates popping]

And they made a lot of money.

They--like a decent living.

Like, it was likean honorable living.

You know, it wasn't likea super fancy,

really intense living.

- Wait.- It was like--

- It wasn't fancy?

- It wasn't fancy.- The way they were living...

- No.- Off head-butting people?

Okay.- So...

additionally, simultaneously,

there was a bar called the Hole in the Wall.

And there was a bouncer. Her name was Gallus Mag.

And Gallus Mag was 6-feet tall.

And additionally, she was a

badass bitch,for real and for truly.

One day, our girl, Sadie the Goat,

comes into the Hole in the Wall bar,

and she, like, encounters Gallus Mag.

And here's the thing about Gallus Mag:

she was British.

Here's the thing about Sadie the Goat:

she was Irish.

Here's the thing about that time period:

white-on-white racism.

So Sadie the Goat, who was,like, a very mouthy individual

was like, umm,

the thing about British people is that, like,

they, like, are-- like, always like,

"Ugh. Big Ben..." - [chuckling]

- "Is, like, a big clock."

And Gallus Mag was like,

please dial back what you're saying.

And Sadie the Goat was just like,

well, additionally, beans on toast!

Gallus Mag was like,

you're being too crazy.

So she took Sadie the Goatby the ear

and she dragged her to the door.

And Sadie the Goat was like, [squeals]




- [chuckling]

- So Gallus Mag chomps off

her mo-effing ear.

And she puts it into a jar of alcohol.

And it was like such a great trophy that she labels it,

"Sadie the Ears."Nope.

"Sadie the Goat's Ear."

And she put it on her trophy case.

At this point,Sadie the Goat is very em--


And she then witnesses

this gang called the Charlton Street Gang.

And they're tryingto commandeer

a small ship.

But they're doing a very, very bad job.

So she's like, you guys,

you're doing not a good job,

and because of me,

I can make you do a very good job.

And if you want to work together,

we can be more successful.

And they're like,okay, listen.

Sadie the Goat, if that is your real name,

we--we're on board.

So they start cruisingup and down the Hudson.

And they are just, like,

stealing things and pillaging small towns.

And she was like, [chuckles]

Obviously I need to start kidnapping people hardcore.

So she's kidnapping peopleand she's like,

I don't care if your loved ones love you enough

to pay your ransom. Like,

I am gonna make you walk the plank right now.

And he's like, no, I'm so sorry I back-talked you.

And she was like,I'm Sadie the Goat!

And then she, like,

drops him off the plank

and he splashes into the river like...

[imitates splashing]

- [laughs]

- So they get the policeinvolved.

And they lie in wait,and they're like,

okay, we're gonna get Sadie the Goat.

And when Sadie andthe gang members disembark,

they ambushed them.

And they really did some damage

'cause they were shooting a lot of guns.

And so Sadie and her gentlemen

suffered enough casualties that, at the end of it,

Sadie was like,

yo, I got to pack it in.

So Sadie the Goat

returns to the Fourth Ward.

And she went to go visit Gallus Mag.

And she was like, hi.

Listen, I know I was, like, super crazy,

and, like, I'm so sorry for that.

It was my bad.

And Gallus Mag is like,

I have something for you.

And Sadie's like, what could it be?

And Gallus Mag presents her

with Sadie's ear.

[calm orchestral music]

And Sadie the Goat is like,

regardless of whatever is between our legs,

we are--mmm--

really down to clown, and, like, we are, like,

really down to, like, really tear shit up.

And, like, I will head-butt you in the stomach

and I will chomp your ear off

and, like, thank you for being a friend.

That's how we gotthe "Golden Girls" soundtrack

song, Derek Waters.

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

- ♪ If you threw a party

- [laughs]

Keep going. - I--I don't know...

- Yeah, neither do me.

[cheesy upbeat music]

One baby carrot.

Probably not whatSadie the Goat used, but...

- All right, wait.What--what am I supposed to do?

Oh, oh, how many en--


[slow-motion ricochet]

- Sadie the Goat!


I'm Rich Fulcher,and today we're gonna talk about

Lord Gordon-Gordon.

Lord Gordon-Gordon was initially

a guy named Hubert Hamilton.

He was swindling all these jewelers in London.

He stole about $100,000from them.

And he's like, come on, mother-sucker!

He was not only a con man.

He took it to the next level.

Hubert Hamilton moved to New York

and changed his name to Lord Gordon-Gordon.

Which is like, what?

So his whole scam was

he's pretending that he's Scottish royalty.

He wore a kilt and that was one of his big selling points.

He's like, I'm wearing a kilt, ya [bleep], ya.

Oh, by the way I'm a collateral relative

of a Lord Byron and cousin of the Campbells.

This guy is like"Catch Me If You Can"

meets "20/20".

- I love that.

I can't--I wantto know about that.

- Lord Gord--[burps]

Oh.Lord Gordon-Gordon

is introduced to this guy named Horace Greeley,

who was an editor of the "New York Tribune."

And so Horace Greeley said, hey, listen.

My friend Jay Gould, this guy--[hiccups]

Guy is the top of the New York business community.

Jay Gould was

one of the biggest robber barons.

But-- [hiccups]

he's got a problem with the Erie Railroad.

So Horace--


Greeley comes to Jay Gould and says,

hey, I think I know a guy who can help you out

with your Erie-- [hiccups]

Railroad problem.

His name is Lord Gordon-Gordon, which--

[hiccups] Go with me, it's great.

He's, like, a real lord. He--

[hiccups] Wears a kilt.

Underneath his kilt is his dick and balls.

- [chuckling]

- [laughs]

So the thing isthis guy

has convlin--



Jay Gould was-- [hiccups]

so paranoid about Erie Railroad being taken over.

So Lord Gord--[hiccups]

Gordon-Gordontook advantage of it,

and said, hey, I own, like,

the major-- [hiccups]

Majority of stock. [hiccups]


And Jay Gould says,

shit, you--you--you [bleep]!

The board of directors are [bleep] me around

so if you could help me around.

Gordon-Gordon said,

I can help you-- [hiccupping]

but I need some money to do this.

And Jay Gould gave him

$160,000 in cash-- [hiccups]

And the rest in stock.

Lord Gordon-Gordon tries to sell the stock.

When Jay Gould realizedhe had been swindled,

he's like, he's [bleep] stealing from me!


Oh, [bleep] actual-- [squealing]

Mother[bleep]! God damn mother[bleep]!