CC Presents: Loni Love

  • Season 11, Ep 12
  • 02/22/2007

Loni Love describes three of her great loves: the 99-cent store, her body and the 1980s.

GIVE IT UP FOR NEW YORK.I LOVE NEW YORK.

- YES! YES! YES! YES! - [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I DON'T APPRECIATE WHAT THEY BEEN DOING TO NEW YORK,

YOU KNOW, THIS TERRORIST CRAP.

NOW, YOU CAN'T GET ON THE AIRPLANE WITH NO TOOTHPASTE,

NO DEODORANT, NO COLOGNE,

I THINK THE FRENCH HAS SOMETHINGTO DO WITH THIS. ALL RIGHT?

I AIN'T SCARED OF NO TERRORISTS.

AND DON'T Y'ALL BE SCARED OF NO TERRORISTS NEW YORK.

TERRORISTS ALWAYS TRYING TO SCARE US,

SAY THEY GONNA BLOW UP THE MALLS.

BLOW UP THE MALLS. I AIN'T GOT NO MONEY NO DAMN WAY.

BUT YOU LET 'EM PUT A PLANE IN THE 99-CENT STORE--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WILL CASH IN ALL MY FREQUENT FLYER MILES

IF THEY PUT A PLANE IN THE 99-CENT STORE.

AND GO OVER THERE TO AFGHANISTAN

AND STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF AFGHANISTAN AND SHOUT OUT,

"WHO THE HELL BLEW UP THE 99-CENT STORE?"

A SACCA-BACCA-LOCK... [SNORING].WHATEVER YOUR DAMN NAME IS.

YOU'RE NAME TOO LONG.I'M GONNA CALL YOU BOB.

99-CENT STORE IS MY STORE. YOU GET EVERYTHING FOR 99 CENT.

THAT'S GENIUS. YOU GET WATER FOR 99 CENT, CONDOMS FOR 99 CENT.

YOU GOTTA GET SOME CONDOMS FROM THE 99-CENT STORE,

- YOU BETTER USE 4 OF 'EM OKAY?- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE GOTTA FIND THE PERSON THAT DID THIS TO OUR COUNTRY.

HUH, IT'S BEEN FIVE YEARS. WHERE THE HELL BIN LADIN, HUH?

EVERY MONTH HE PUT OUT A VIDEO LIKE HE PUFF DADDY OR BEYONCE.

YOU AIN'T NO DAMN BEYONCE, OKAY?

YOU SEE THE VIDEOS, "BIN LADIN'S GREATEST HITS,"

"BIN LADIN'S CHRISTMAS VIDEO."

"BIN LADIN GONE WILD." HE'S SHOWING HIS TITTIES.

- SOME BULL-[BLEEP]. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

UNITED STATES ARMY CAN'T FIND BIN LADIN.

I GOT TWO COUSINS IN DETROIT THAT CAN FIND HIM. ALL RIGHT?

WE GO STRAIGHT GHETTO; MY TWO COUSINS, RAY RAY AND SKILLET.

WE PROMISE MY COUSIN SKILLET A WOMAN AND SOME WEED.

HE'LL GANG BANG ALL THE WAY TO AFGHANISTAN

AND GET THAT MAN FOR US. MAKE NO DAMN SENSE.

YOU KNOW EVERYBODY WORRIED HOW WE GONNA END THIS WAR IN IRAQ.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU.IT'S VERY, VERY SIMPLE.

DON'T SENDTHE SOLDIERS OVER THERE.

SEND PARIS HILTON AND NICOLE RICHIE.

SEND THEM TWO DINGBATS. "THE SIMPLE LIFE IN IRAQ".

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY WON'T EVEN KNOW THEY IN IRAQ.

THEY'LL THINK THEY IN NEW ORLEANS SOMEWHERE,

THEM TWO DINGBATS.

THEY WOULD DRIVE THE TERRORISTS MAD.

AND I'VE BEEN TO AFGHANISTAN. IT'S NOT FUN OVER THERE.

THE WOMEN OVER THERE GOT A WHOLEDIFFERENT TYPE OF LIFESTYLE,

THEY WEARING SCARVES AND VEILS AND BURKAS ON THEIR HEADS.

CAN YOU IMAGINE ME OVER THERE IN AFGHANISTAN RIGHT NOW?

WELCOME TO THE LOVE LOUNGE IN AFGHANISTAN.

- HOW Y'ALL DOING TONIGHT? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS HOW THE WOMANWAS WALKING OVER THERE.

Y'ALL CAN'T SEE NOTHING. WHERE THE 99-CENT CAVE AT?

Y'ALL GOT A 99-CENT CAVE? I KNOW Y'ALL DO.

CAN YOU IMAGINE?

THIS IS HOW WOMEN ACTUALLY WALK AROUND IN THAT COUNTRY.

ARE THEY THAT DAMN UGLY THAT THEY GOTTA BE COVERED UP?

I MEAN CAN YOU IMAGINE THE TELEVISION

OVER THERE IN AFGHANISTAN? AFGHANISTAN'S NEXT TOP MODEL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AFGHAN GIRLS GONE WILD. WHEW!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS WAR Y'ALL.

2007, 2008, WE GET TO ELECT A NEW PRESIDENT.

AND IT'S ABOUT TIME.

AND I THINK IT'S TIMEFOR A FEMALE CANDIDATE.

I THINK IT'S TIMEFOR A FEMALE PRESIDENT.

I'M GONNA SAY IT, YES! YES. YES. YES.

TAMPONS IN THE WHITE HOUSE THAT'S WHAT I SAY.

THERE HAVE BEEN 50 OTHER COUNTRIES

THAT HAVE FEMALE LEADERS. IF UNITED STATES CAN HAVE

GEORGE BUSH AS PRESIDENT, ANYBODY CAN BE PRESIDENT.

- ALL RIGHT? YES. YES. YES. - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU EVER LOOK AT HIS MAMA BARBARA BUSH?

BARBARA BUSH IS A MAN. I DON'T CARE WHAT Y'ALL SAY.

SHE LOOK JUST LIKE THE QUAKER OATS MAN.

- NOW YOU-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GO HOME AND LOOK AT THE QUAKER OATS BOX.

THAT IS THE PRESIDENT'S MAMA ON THAT BOX.

THEY DEALING IN OIL AND OATMEAL, ALL RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHEN I'M INSIDE THE U.S. WHEN I'M OUTSIDE THE U.S. I DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM.

WE GOT ENOUGH PROBLEMS AS A COUNTRY YOU KNOW?

I WAS OVER IN FRANCE. FRENCHMAN GONNA WALK UP TO ME--

HE SAID, "YOU KNOW, YOUR PRESIDENT IS AN IDIOT."

I SAID, "MY PRESIDENT IS AN IDIOT?

"HOLD ON. HE MIGHT BE AN IDIOT,

"BUT HE THE AMERICAN IDIOT, NOT THE FRENCH IDIOT.

"'CAUSE I READ IN 1941 HOW YOUR COUNTRY WAS CROWNED LIKE A BITCH.

DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY PRESIDENT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS ROLLING MY NECK.

YOU KNOW-- I TRY NOT TO ROLL MY NECK. I REALLY TRY,

'CAUSE THEY SAY IT'S STEREOTYPICAL AND EVERYTHING. YOU KNOW?

I WANNA HOLD IT. I SAID, "I'M NOT GONNA ROLL MY NECK."

I GOT IN AN ARGUMENT WITH MY BOYFRIEND.

ALMOST BROKE MY DAMN NECK. YOU DON'T SIT YOUR RUH--.

BUT ROLLIN' MY NECK GET IT DONE.YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

BUT I'M NOT GONNA LET NOBODY TALK ABOUT MY DAMN PRESIDENT.

HE MY PRESIDENT, ALL RIGHT? YOU KNOW-- HE CANNOT HELP IT.

HE GRADUATED COLLEGE A C-AVERAGE.

YOU GOTTA GRADE HIM ON A CURVE EVERY DAMN THING HE DO.

THAT MAN GIVE ME HOPE.

THE WAY HE MISPRONOUNCE WORDS I COULD BE A STAR. YES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,HE IS A VERY SMART MAN.

HE PUT SMART PEOPLE AROUND HIM.

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU HAVE A DEFICIENCY,

PUT SMART PEOPLE AROUND YOU.

YOUR VICE PRESIDENT, HE'S A SMART MAN.

YOUR VICE PRESIDENT IS A GANGSTER

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THATALL RIGHT?

ANYBODY THAT CAN SHOOT SOMEBODY IN THE FACE AND THEN THAT PERSON

APOLOGIZE TO HIMTHAT'S GANGSTER.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YEAH, HE GOT SOME UNDERCOVER GANGSTERS, TOO. CONDOLEEZZA RICE?

THAT'S AN UNDERCOVER GANGSTER RIGHT THERE.

YEAH, DON'T BE FOOLED BY CONDOLEEZZA.

SHE'S NICE ANDSMILING AND EVERYTHING.

WHEN SHE GETS IN FRONT OF THOSE CAMERAS,

"THE UNITED STATES WILL NOT PROLIFERATE THIS TYPE OF ACTION."

BUT WHEN SHE GET FROM BEHIND THOSE CAMERAS AND GET IN WITH THEM,

"LET ME TELL YOU ONE MOTHER-[BLEEP] THING, OKAY?

"WE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

WE WILL PLUCK YOUR ASS UP. OKAY?"

SHE BE ROLLIN' HER NECK,YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW WHAT THE THING IS, I LIKE CONDOLEEZZA RICE.

SHE'S A SMART WOMAN. SHE KNOW 4 OR 5 LANGUAGES.

PLUS HER NAME SOUND LIKEA SIDE DISH AT KFC.

[LAUGHTER]

- THINK ABOUT IT. - [APPLAUSE]

"I HAVE A FOUR PIECE AND A CONDOLEEZZA RICE. THANK YOU."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THINK ABOUT THE NAMES IN HIS ADMINISTRATION.

THEY ALL SOUND A LITTLE FUNNY.

WHAT THE HELL IS A SCOOTER LIBBY, ALL RIGHT?

DONALD RUMSFELD.THAT SOUND LIKE A DRINK

THAT WILL [BLEEP] YOU UP, DON'T IT?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I'VE HAD FOUR DONALD RUMSFELDS TO CLEAN OUT MY COLIN POWELL.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

THE '80s WAS MY TIME. I LOVED THE '80s.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - YES. YES.

ONLY THING JACKED UP ABOUT THE '80s WAS THE FASHIONS.

REMEMBER SPANDEX PANTS,RUBBER AND NYLON.

WHO PUT THAT TOGETHER? ALL THAT MOISTURE,

WE HAD YEAST INFECTIONS FOR DAYS.

AND I HAD A PAIR OF WHITE SPANDEX PANTS.

I LOOKED LIKE A WALKIN' BURRITO.

BUT THE '80s WAS MY TIME Y'ALL,I LOVED THE '80s.

I WAS IN SCHOOL IN THE '80s. I HAD GOOD CREDIT IN THE '80s.

AND MICHAEL JACKSON WAS BLACK IN THE '80s Y'ALL THAT'S--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CELEBRITIES ARE OUT OF CONTROL THOUGH REALLY.

TOM CRUISE, HE OUTTA CONTROL, AIN'T HE?

- YEAH, TOM'S LOSING IT. - [APPLAUSE]

TELLING PEOPLE NOT TO TAKE THEY MEDICINE.

WE SICK PEOPLENEED OUR MEDICINE, TOM.

YOU EVER HAD A YEAST INFECTION? [BLEEP] YOU.

YOU BETTER TAKE YOUR OINTMENT. CAUSE YOU KNOW, AMERICANS--

WE LIKE TO TAKE SOME PILLS. I KNOW I DO.

I GET DEPRESSED I TAKE MY HAPPY PILL.

THEN I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP. I TAKE MY SLEEPING PILL.

THEN I WAKE UP-- I'M HUNGRY-- TAKE MY DIET PILL.

DIET PILL DON'T WORK, I'M DEPRESSED ALL OVER AGAIN.

THEN YOU GOT MADONNA. MADONNA TRYING TO MAKE US CHANGE OUR RELIGION.

SHE ALL ABOUT KABALA. KABALA YOU KNOW?

LOOK, ONE KABALALIAS.

LOOK AT THAT WEIRD MOTHER-[BLEEP].

I AIN'T JOINING KABALA.I AIN'T JOINING NOTHIN'

I CAN'T SPELL, OKAY? YOU SPELL KABALA.

YOU CAN'T EVEN SPELL IT,CAN YOU?

I CAN'T SPELL THAT GOOD BUT I CAN COUNT ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO MONEY.

I SEE $100 DRESS ON SALE FOR 25% OFF. I KNOW THAT'S $75.

GO IN ON A SUPER SATURDAY BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 8:00 AND 10:00

AND GET AN ADDITIONAL 10% OFF.

THAT'S 68.50.ADD TAX OF 0.8265, THAT'S $5.65.

GIVE ME A GRAND TOTAL OF $74.05.GIVE THE CASHIER $100 BILL.

BETTER GET $25.95 BACK IN CHANGE. I KNOW HOW TO COUNT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EVERY YEAR SHE COME WITH HER LIST OF FAVORITE THINGS.

I CAN'T BUY NOTHING ON THAT DAMN LIST.

I MEAN HOW MANY OF USREALLY CAN BUY SOMETHINGON HER DAMN LIST?

AND THEN SHE TRY TO MAKEA LITTLE CHEAP LIST.

WE DON'T WANT THAT [BLEEP] ON YOUR CHEAP LIST, OPRAH.

THE RAPPERS ARE OUT OF CONTROL.

RAPPERS HAVE GOTTEN AN ACADEMY AWARD

FOR A SONG CALLED,"IT'S HARD OUT HERE FOR A PIMP."

IT AIN'T HARD OUT HERE FOR NO DAMN PIMP.

IT'S HARD OUT HEREFOR THE DAMN PIMPETTES,FOR THE PROSTITUTES.

FOR THE COMEDIANS UP HERE TRYING TO MAKE Y'ALL LAUGH.

- THAT'S WHO IT'S HARD FOR. - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THEN YOU GOT MEL GIBSON.

MEL GIBSON OUT OF CONTROL, AIN'T HE?

MEL GIBSON WAS [BLEEP] UP, WASN'T HE?

[SLURRING] "I OWN MALIBU!" AND THEN EVERYBODY SAY,

"DON'T MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT, HE WAS DRUNK."

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. ANYBODY THAT'S BEEN DRUNK

KNOW THAT DRUNKS SAY WHAT THEY MEAN DON'T THEY?

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - YES. YES.

I'VE HAD MANY A MAN CALL ME FAT ASS WHILE HE WAS DRUNK.

- ALL RIGHT? - [LAUGHTER]

BUT SEE HE KNEW WHO TO PICK ON SEE.

'CAUSE IF HE WOULD'VE PICKED ON THE GAY PEOPLE,

THE GAY PEOPLE WOULD HAVE HAD A DAMN PARADE

AT HIS HOUSE WITH FIRE SHOOTIN' OUT THEY ASSES.

AND THE VILLAGE PEOPLE-- YOU DON'T WANT TO [BLEEP] WITH THE GAY PEOPLE.

AND YOU DON'T WANT TO MESS WITH THE BLACK PEOPLE.

'CAUSE IF HE WOULD HAVE TALKED ABOUT THE BLACK PEOPLE,

JESSE JACKSON WOULD HAVE BEEN OUT THERE SPEAKING FOR ALL OF US

WITH HIS HAND OUT. ALL RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

THE RELIGIOUS PEOPLE ARE OUT OF CONTROL.

YOU KNOW THE LADY WAS AT THE MEXICAN RESTAURANT.

SAW THE IMAGE OF CHRISTON A FLOUR TORTILLA.

CHRIST NOT COMING BACK AT TACO BELL Y'ALL.

- I'M SORRY. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I KNOW I'VE BEEN CUSSING A LOT TONIGHT.

I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZETO THE RELIGIOUS PEOPLE.

I SEE IT'S A LOT OF NICE LOOKIN' PEOPLE.

I CAN TELL Y'ALL RELIGIOUS. I AM TRYING TO CHANGE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I-- I AM. I'VE BEEN READIN' MY BIBLE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT,

JESUS WAS BLACK. THAT'S RIGHT, JESUS WAS BLACK.

TELL YOU WHERE, JOHN, CHAPTER 13,

VERSE 19, THEY ASKED HIM, "ARE YOU THE SON OF GOD?"

HE SAID, "I BE HE." THAT WAS EBONICS SEE.

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - THINK ABOUT IT.

TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE,NOAH WAS A MEXICAN.

- [LAUGHTER]- THAT'S RIGHT.

WHO ELSE COULD BUILD A BOAT 13,000 FEET LONG,

14,000 FEET HIGH IN ONE DAY?THAT'S A MEXICAN.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WHO ELSE GONNAPUT ALL THOSE PEOPLE ANDANIMALS IN ONE VEHICLE?

- THAT'S A MEXICAN. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SKINNY PEOPLE ARE OUT OF CONTROL.

YOU SKINNY PEOPLE LEAVE US FAT PEOPLE ALONE.

JUST 'CAUSE WE WANT TO EAT A LITTLE EXTRA Y'ALL ALWAYS

- [BLEEP] WITH US. - [LAUGHTER]

SKINNY PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS ASKIN' DUMB QUESTIONS TO THE FAT PEOPLE.

"YOU GONNA EAT ALL OF THAT?" "YES I AM."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I THOUGHT YOU WAS ON A DIET." "THAT WAS TWO HOURS AGO.

SHUT THE HELL UP." I SAY JUST LOVE YOURSELF.

IF YOU OVER 150 POUNDS,GIVE YOURSELF A HAND.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- THAT'S RIGHT.

OR DO LIKE I DO,JUST WEAR DARK CLOTHES.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M GLAD MY SKIN IS DARK,

'CAUSE IF I WAS A WHITE GIRL, I WOULD LOOK 10 POUNDS HEAVIER.

- BLACK IS BACK. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Y'ALL AIN'T NEVER GOTTAWORRY ABOUT ME LOSING

A WHOLE LOT OF WEIGHT, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE I SEE WHAT THEY DID TO STAR JONES DAMN IT.

SHE LOST WEIGHT AND HER JOB. [BLEEP] THAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU BETTA EAT A DAMN DOUGHNUT STAR.

EVEN IN EVERYTHING THAT WE DO. EVEN IN SPORTS.

YOU KNOW-- THE WMBA-- DON'T NOBODY SUPPORT THE WMBA.

I WENT TO A WMBA GAME, WASN'T NOBODY THERE

BUT SOME LESBIANS, AND SOME CLOWNS, AND SOME KIDS.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON UP IN HERE?

I WAS GOING TO THE GAME TO LOOK FOR SOME MEN. YOU KNOW?

I DON'T WANT NO DAMN LESBIANS UP IN HERE.

AND YOU KNOW-- I KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

THEY NEED TO CHANGETHE NAMES OF THE TEAMS.

THEY GOT BORING TEAM NAMES.

THEY GOT THE L.A. SPARKS, THE HOUSTON COMETS.

THAT DON'T ENTICE THE MEN.

LET'S CHANGE THE NAMES OF THE TEAMS TO ENTICE THE MEN.

- TENNESSEE TITTIES. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE ALABAMA ASSES. THE L.A. LICKERS.

SOMETHING LIKE THAT. SEE-- SEE LOOK AT THE MEN.

I'M GOING TO SEE THE TITTIES AND THE ASSES TOMORROW.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THEY HAVE A LOT OF LESBIANS. AND THAT'S FINE, BUT I COULD

NOT BE NO DAMN LESBIAN.I LOVE ME SOME MEN.

ESPECIALLY THESE NEW YORK MEN; THEM ITALIANS, OH MY GOD.

- OH YES. ROCCO. - [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I LOVE ME SOME-- I COULD NOT BE A LESBIAN.

NOW IF YOU'RE A LESBIAN, THAT'S YOUR DAMN BUSINESS.

DON'T COME TRYING TO RECRUIT ME AFTER THE SHOW.

DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS WITH THE LESBIANS.

THEY ALWAYS TRYING TO HIT ON ME.

SAY, "UH-UH GIRL, YOU LIKE [BLEEP], I LIKE [BLEEP],

- ALL RIGHT?" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LIKE ME SOME MAN.

THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT. EVERYBODY WANT TO BE IN LOVE,

AND THERE'S THREE WAYS THATYOU KNOW A MAN LOVE YOU, LADIES.

NUMBER ONE, IF A MAN HAND YOU THE REMOTE CONTROL TO THE TV,

THAT MAN LOVE YOU, ALL RIGHT? YEAH, THINK ABOUT IT.

NUMBER TWO, IF A MAN SEE YOU SITTIN' ON THE TOILET,

AND DON'T RUNSCREAMIN' DOWN THE HALL,

THAT MAN LOVE YOU, ALL RIGHT?

NUMBER THREE,

IF A MAN SIT AND WATCH OPRAH WINFREY SHOW WITH YOU...

- [APPLAUSE] - THAT MAN IS GAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S A BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN MAN RIGHT THERE.

DID YOU SEE BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN?

JOHN WAYNE AND CLINT EASTWOOD TAKING IT UP THE [BLEEP].

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN WAS VERY SUCCESSFUL.

NOW THEY GONNA HAVE A WHOLE STRING OF BROKEBACK MOVIES.

"BROKEBACK PLANTATION."

TWO BIG SWEATY NEGRO SLAVES

PICKIN' COTTON, FALL IN LOVE,

AND TAKE IT UP THE [BLEEP]. "BROKEBACK PLANTATION."

"OOOH LEROY, I WISH I COULD QUIT YOU."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"BROKEBACK GARDENERS."

TWO BIG SWEATY MEXICAN LEAF BLOWERS.

BLOWING LEAVES AND EACH OTHER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"OOOH PEDRO, I WISH I COULD QUIT YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

OH BUT EVERYBODY WANT TO BE IN LOVE.

AND I DON'T MIND BEING IN LOVE. I JUST DON'T DATE MEN UNDER 25.

UH-UH. UH-UH,'CAUSE I CAN'T PRONOUNCETHEIR DAMN NAMES.

I MET ONE MAN.HIS NAME WAS TREVANCIO.

"BITCH I DON'T DATE NOTHIN' I CAN'T SPELL. ALL RIGHT?

SEE I LIKE THE OLDER MEN, YOU KNOW, OLD PLAYERS.

SOME LIKE THAT RIGHT THERE. SEE. THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN'--

LOOK AT THAT-- LOOK-- LOOK--HE BEEN STARING AT ME ALL NIGHT.

LOOK, HE GONNA EAT ME UP LIKE A DOUGHNUT, AIN'T YA?

- LOOK AT YA. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU AIN'T HAD NONESINCE THE WAR, HAVE YA?

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

SEE HE GOT BENEFITS. YOU STILL GOT YOUR TEETH.

YOU CAN TAKE 'EM OUT, TOO. I LIKE THAT, TOO.

- WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - MY NAME IS AL, BABY.

- Loni: AL.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- Loni: AL.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW SIT YOUR ASS DOWN BEFORE YOU GET A HEART ATTACK NOW.

I PUT IT ON YOU. I LIKE YOU THOUGH, AL.

YOU WANNA COME UP TO THE LOVE LOUNGE WITH ME?

Al: YEAH.

Loni: I'M ALMOST DONE,SO JUST COME ON WITH ME.

IT'S THE LOVE LOUNGE. Y'ALL BEEN AT THE LOVE LOUNGE.

AND I WANNA TELL Y'ALL SOMETHING.

IT'S BETTER TO EAT SOUPWITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE,

THEN STEAK WITH SOMEONE YOU HATE.

COME ON AL, LET'S GET ON OUT OF HERE. LONI LOVE Y'ALL. THANKS.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

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