CC Presents: Russ Meneve

  • 04/07/2005

I LIKE WHERE THIS CROWD IS

COMING FROM.

YOU GUYS ARE IN GOOD MOODS.

UNFORTUNATELY I'M NOT WITH YOU,

I JUST HAD A BAD BREAK UP.

YEAH, I BROKE UP WITH THIS GIRL

AH BY E-MAIL, IS THAT A BAD WAY

TO DO IT?

Female: YES!

Russ Meneve: I DON'T KNOW WHAT

MADE HER MORE MAD, THE FACT THAT

I DID IT BY E-MAIL OR THE FACT

THAT I CC'D MY NEW GIRLFRIEND,

WHO WANTED PROOF...

[LAUGHTER]

OF THE BREAK UP.

BUT I'M KIND OF A LONELY GUY.

I DIDN'T HAVE A VALENTINE'S

THIS YEAR.

MY BUDDY HAD TWO.

ANYBODY HAVE THAT ONE FRIEND

THAT GETS A VALENTINE'S DAY FOR

THEIR MOTHER?

DOESN'T THAT FREAK YOU OUT A

LITTLE BIT?

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE' "DUDE, TWO GIFTS?"

HE WAS LIKE, "YEAH, ONE'S FOR

MY MOM."

"OH, GREAT.

LOOK I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BREAK

THIS TO YA, BUT UH I HEARD SHE'S

BANGING YOUR DAD, SO...

[LAUGHTER]

SORRY TO RUIN VALENTINE'S FOR

YOU, PAL."

BUT UH, I DON'T KNOW.

I LIKE THOSE CURVY CHICKS.

YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT RIGHT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, SCOLIOSIS, YEAH, THAT IS

HOT.

[LAUGHTER]

I LIKE WHEN YOU KISS THEIR NECK

'CAUSE IT SENDS A CHILL DOWN,

AROUND, AND UP AND BACK DOWN

THEIR SPINE.

THEY LOVE THAT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND I DON'T LIKE 'EM TOO YOUNG

EITHER, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I DON'T

KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I WAS IN THE BAGEL STORE AND

THIS YOUNG GIRL WAS WORKING

BEHIND THE COUNTER.

REMEMBER THE TIMES WHEN SOMEBODY

DIDN'T HEAR WHAT YOU SAID THEY'D

SAY EXCUSE ME OR I DIDN'T CATCH

THAT?

THIS IS A NEW ONE OUT THERE,

HAVE YOU HEARD IT?

I WAS "YEAH, DO YOU HAVE ANY UH

ONION BAGELS LEFT?"

"WHA HAPPEN?"

[LAUGHTER]

THAT DOES NOT EVEN MAKE SENSE!

"WHAT HAPPENED?"

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE "WELL, I WAS HUNGRY

SO I CAME DOWN FOR A BAGEL...

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHAT HAPPO."

I WAS WATCHING GUINNESS

WORLD RECORDS.

THEY HAD THE FATTEST WOMAN

IN THE WORLD.

SHE WEIGHED 1200 POUNDS AND

THE GUY STAYED MARRIED TO HER.

CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?

"HONEY, DO YOU THINK I LOOK FAT

IN THIS?"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THE LIVING

ROOM?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

BUT I'M WITH HER.

I THINK I LIKE FOOD BETTER THAN

SEX.

WHO'S WITH ME ON THAT ONE?

[CHEERS]

OKAY A COUPLE OF LOSERS,

EXCELLENT.

NOW YOU KNOW I WAS WATCHING A

PORNO AND THIS PIZZA DELIVERY

GUY WAS JUST GIVING TO THIS

HOUSEWIFE AND ALL I COULD THINK

WAS, "AHHH, THAT PIZZA'S GETTING

COLD."

[LAUGHTER]

AT LEAST PUT IT THE OVEN,

HE'S BENDING YOU OVER THE STOVE

ANYWAY, CAN'T YA...?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I TELL YOU, I EVEN TALK DIRTY

TO FOOD SOMETIMES.

I'M LIKE, "AH FRESH COOKIES...

I WANT YOU INSIDE ME.

[APPLAUSE]

I'LL TELL YOU I WAS JUST EATING

AT ONE OF THOSE OUTDOOR CAFES

WITH THE TABLES ON THE STREET.

THAT'S ALWAYS FUN RIGHT,

IN NICE WEATHER?

YEAH, THEN THAT HOMELESS GUY

WANDERS OVER TO YOUR TABLE.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, I'M TRYING TO

OVER EAT HERE, HUH."

I CAN'T DO IT WITH THIS GUY

SUCKING ON HIS FOOT IN FRONT OF

ME.

ONE GUY COMES UP HE DIPS HIS

WIENER IN MY SOUP.

WHAT DO YOU DO THERE?

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING,

FIVE SECOND RULE, BUT STILL

THAT'S ANNOYING, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

PLUS THERE ALL DRUNK OUT THERE,

YA KNOW?

YOU KNOW IT'S ILLEGAL TO DRINK

ON THE STREET IN THIS CITY?

BUT IF YOU ACTUALLY PUT IT IN

A LITTLE BROWN BAG, THE COPS

DON'T MESS WITH YA.

ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?

GREAT, WHAT'S NEXT?

GUYS HUMPING HEFTY BAG'S WITH

PROSTITUTES INSIDE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH.

HEY OFFICER, JUST TAKING OUT

THE TRASH."

[LAUGHTER]

HOW ANNOYING ARE THOSE THINGS ON

THE STREET RIGHT?

[BEEP] "WHAT'S UP, DUDE?"

YOU NOTICE IT'S NEVER AN

INTELLECT ON THAT PHONE?

YOU NEVER HEAR [BEEP] "THAT'S

RIGHT DOCTOR, YOU MAKE THE

INCISION BELOW THE LEFT CEREBRAL

CORTEX."

NO, IT'S ALWAYS [BEEP]

"HEY DUDE, I HEARD YOU HIT

THAT CHICK WITH THE FAT ASS

LAST NIGHT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS A GENIUS.

I ALMOST HAD A FIGHT WITH ONE

OF THESE GUYS.

GUYS, YOU EVER TRY TO TOUGH

YOUR WAY OUT OF A FIGHT AND IT

COMPLETELY BACKFIRE'S ON YOU?

YOU GO TO TEAR YOUR SHIRT LIKE

HULK HOGAN AND IT DOESN'T RIP

AT ALL.

NOW YOU'RE STANDING THERE WITH

A COMPLETELY STRETCHED OUT

SHIRT WITH FINGER MARKS IN IT.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I HAD TO FIGHT THIS GUY

'CAUSE HE WAS CALLING ME NAMES

FROM ACROSS THE STREET, RIGHT?

AND THEN HE CALLS ME CHICKEN,

SCREW THAT RIGHT?

SO TO PROVED I'M NOT CHICKEN,

I CROSSED THE ROAD TO GET TO

THE OTHER SIDE.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH,

I'M GONNA SNAP YOU IN HALF

[BLEEP] DAMN IT."

I'M GONNA HEAD BUTT YOU.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW.

WE GOTTA STOP THE RACISM AND

THE HATE, RIGHT?

[APPLAUSE]

I'LL TELL YA, I THINK THAT,

I THINK THE JEWS HAVE BEEN THE

BIGGEST VICTIMS OF RACISM OVER

TIME, DON'T YA THINK?

[APPLAUSE]

THAT'S HOW THEIR NAME-- YEAH--

THAT'S HOW THEIR NAME EVOLVED.

THEY CAN ONLY PARTIALLY ADMIT

TO THEIR HERITAGE, THEY'RE SO

AFRAID.

LIKE, "HEY TOM, ARE YOU A JEW?"

"HEY, EASY HUH?

I'M JEW...ISH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING]

PEOPLE SAY THE COPS ARE RACIST,

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

[APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

I THINK THE COPS ARE RACIST

EVERYWHERE, YOU KNOW WHY?

YOU EVER SEE A SHOOTING RANGE

IN A COP MOVIE?

WHAT COLOR'S THE GUY ON THAT

SHEET OF PAPER THAT THEY'RE

SHOOTING AT?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST PAINT A FUBU

JACKET ON HIM WHILE YOU'RE AT

IT, I MEAN REALLY.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S A MANLY JOB, YA KNOW?

I WISH I HAD A MANLY JOB LIKE

THAT, YOU WEAR PART OF YOUR

UNIFORM INTO BED TO TURN A

GIRL ON.

LIKE IF YOU'RE A COP, YOU COULD

WEAR YOUR HOLSTER NAKED, RIGHT?

OR IF YOU'RE A CONSTRUCTION

WORKER YOU CAN WEAR YOUR HARD

HAT.

BUT IF YOU'RE A LOSER YOU CAN'T

DO THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE YOU'LL NEVER HEAR, "TOMMY,

RUB MY WHOLE BODY BUT FIRST PUT

THOSE CLEAR PLASTIC DELI GLOVES

ON, OH."

[LAUGHTER]

"OH YEAH, NOW MAKE ME A

SANDWICH, YOU FRIGGIN LOSER!"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YA KNOW LIKE THAT HAIR CLUB

FOR MEN GUY.

YOU EVER SEE HIM IN THOSE

COMMERCIALS?

YOU ALMOST WANT TO GET A HAIR

TRANSPLANT SO YOU CAN START

DOING ALL THAT COOL STUFF THE

GUY STARTS DOING ONCE HE GETS

IT.

LIKE BOATING, AND KAYAKING,

AND HORSEBACK RIDING AND SKIING.

THEY MAKE IT SEEM LIKE YOU CAN'T

DO THIS IF YOU DON'T HAVE HAIR.

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE SOME GUY'S SITTING HOME,

"OH, HI BOB, TENNIS?

WHAT FRIGGIN HAIR, I CAN'T

PLAY!"

[LAUGHTER]

"I CAN'T EVEN PLAY PING PONG

THAT'S HOW BALD I AM!

BOWLING?

MMM MMM... STILL CAN'T DO IT."

I WENT BOWLING A COUPLE OF DAYS

AGO.

YOU GUYS EVER GO, AT ALL?

ANYBODY GO...?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, ANYBODY, ANYBODY GO LIKE

ONCE A YEAR LIKE ME?

AND YOU TRY TO PUT THAT

PROFESSIONAL SPIN MOVE ON THE

BALL LIKE YOU SEE ON TELEVISION?

THAT ALWAYS WORKS OUT WELL,

RIGHT?

YOU HEAR A SNAP YOUR WHOLE

WRIST DISLOCATES.

MEANWHILE THE BALL JUMPED LIKE

EIGHT LANES AND KILLED A BABY.

[LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE THE BABIES ARE

UNPROTECTED OUT THERE, AM I

RIGHT?

HAVE YOU SEEN THE BABY KNAPSACK

WITH THE KID HANGING IN THE

FRONT?

COULD THAT POSSIBLY BE SAFE?

YEAH, THAT'S GOOD 'CAUSE WHEN

YOU TRIP, YOU WANNA BABY

AIRBAG...

[LAUGHTER]

TO BREAK THE FALL.

I WANT HAVE KIDS THOUGH,

YOU KNOW, BUT THERE'S SOME

THINGS I WANT DO FIRST WITH MY

LIFE, YA KNOW.

LIKE JUST ONCE I'D LIKE TO GO

INTO A NURSING HOME AND ARM

WRESTLE EVERYBODY WHILE WEARING

A SUPERMAN SUIT.

THAT'D BE FUN, RIGHT?

LIKE, SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE TO

FEEL POWERFUL.

LIKE, PUT A HITLER COSTUME ON

AND DRIVE AROUND IN A TAXI WITH

A VACANCY SIGN ON, WHILE

EVERYONE HAILS ME.

THAT WOULD BE KIND OF NICE,

RIGHT?

COULD YOU IMAGINE IF YOU HAILED

A CAB AND HITLER WAS IN THE

FRONT SEAT?

YOU'D BE LIKE, "HEY, TAKE...

OH, OH MY, OH MY GOD?"

[APPLAUSE]

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'S

A GOD THOUGH YA KNOW.

I'M ITALIAN MYSELF AND MY

FRIENDS ARE RELIGIOUS YA KNOW.

ITALIAN GUY'S DO THE MOST EVIL

STUFF IN THE WORLD YET THEY'RE

SO RELIGIOUS.

I'M DRIVING IN THE CAR WITH MY

FRIEND HE'S LIKE, "HEY RUSS,

CHECK THIS OUT.

LAST NIGHT ME AND NICKY,

WE HAD ALL THESE HOOKERS AND

COCAINE.

OH, HOLD ON A MINUTE, WE'RE

PASSING A CHURCH, LET ME JUST

GET THAT RIGHT THERE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

YOU EVER PRAY TO GOD FOR YOUR

PROBLEMS AND THEN YOU REALIZE

HE'S NOT HELPING PEOPLE THAT

HAVE WAY WORSE PROBLEMS THAN

YOU DO AND ARE WAY MORE

RELIGIOUS THAN YOU ARE?

I'VE BEEN HAVING THIS VOICE

PROBLEM FOR LIKE A YEAR AND I

WAS IN MY APARTMENT AND I WAS

LIKE, "GOD, PLEASE HELP MY

VOICE."

AND THEN THE POPE WAS ON TV.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE POPE LATELY?

HE'S SITTIN' THERE ALL

EMACIATED, HE'S TRYING TO READ,

HE'S LIKE...

[MUMBLING]

[TAKES DEEP BREATH]

[MUMBLING CONTINUES]

I AM LIKE "I AM SCREWED!

THERE IS NO WAY HE IS GOING TO

HELP ME EVER!

I'M SITTING THERE PRAYING,

I'M LIKE, "GOD, I KNOW I

HAVEN'T BEEN TO CHURCH IN LIKE

10 YEARS AND I PUT MY ARM AROUND

OLD PEOPLE AND I TAP THEIR

SHOULDER SO THEY LOOK THE OTHER

WAY AND I RUSH DOWN SUBWAY

STAIRS YELLING HOLD IT, SO

PEOPLE RUN IN BACK OF ME AND...

[LAUGHTER]

I'M JUST A BAD PERSON."

[APPLAUSE]

YOU EVER HAVE THE HOMELESS GUY

GIVE YOU THE SPEECH AND HE WALKS

PAST YOU WITH A CUP?

AND YOU'RE COINCIDENTALLY

GOING INTO YOUR POCKET BUT NOT

GIVE HIM MONEY?

THAT'S KIND OF AWKWARD MOMENT,

RIGHT?

I WAS LIKE, "AH DUDE, DUDE,

I WAS JUST CHANGING THE SONG

ON MY $600 iPOD, SORRY ABOUT

THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

SORRY, DUDE.

YOU GOTTA GET ONE, IT ROCKS."

[APPLAUSE]

I TOOK SOME DRUGS A COUPLE OF

DAYS AGO.

MY BUDDIES WANTED TO PLAY

FOOTBALL AND I KNEW MY THROWING

ARM WAS GOING TO WAY OFF SO I

TOOK THAT LEVITRA.

YA KNOW THAT DRUG THAT HELPS

THAT GUY THROW THE FOOTBALL

THROUGH THE TIRE IN THE

COMMERCIAL?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, YEAH.

LONG STORY SHORT, I GOT TACKLED

AND MY PENIS SNAPPED IN HALF.

[LAUGHTER]

POOR PENIS.

THOUGH MY PENIS IS NOT THAT

BIG, I CAN ADMIT IT.

YEAH, I KNOW HOW I KNOW IT'S

NOT THAT BIG.

THIS IS KIND OF A SCARY STORY,

READY FOR THIS?

'CAUSE ONE TIME I WAS NUDE

SUNBATHING AND A BIRD TRIED TO

EAT IT, AH THAT'S NOT GOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS EVEN IN ASIA WHEN IT

HAPPENED SO TO PICK OUT MY PENIS

AMONGST...

[LAUGHTER]

BUT GIRLS LIKE BIG WIENERS,

RIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT IT SAID UNDERNEATH

MY SNAPPLE CAP TODAY ANYWAY

BUT...

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

PLUS I'M KIND OF IMMATURE.

I GOT ACCUSED OF BEING SEXUALLY

IMMATURE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT

MEANS, ALL RIGHT GRANTED,

WHEN I'M ABOUT TO [BLEEP] I GO

LIKE THIS OVER MY PENIS LIKE

SPIDERMAN...

[WEB EXCRETING]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH!

BUT YOU GOTTA USE THAT

PROTECTION, RIGHT?

I SAW A CONDOM LAYING IN THE

STREET ON THE WAY DOWN HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU

SEE A CONDOM LAYING IN THE

STREET?

IS THERE SOMEBODY SO RECKLESS,

THEY'LL HAVE SEX IN THE STREET

YET RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO PUT

A CONDOM ON BEFORE THEY DO IT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHO IS THIS MIXED UP MYSTERY

MAN?

THAT MUST BE SOME SCENE, HUH?

"JOEY, WE CAN'T THERE'S TOO

MANY PEOPLE."

"SHUT UP, BITCH, GET IN THE

DUMPSTER.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE GETTING IT STRAY DOGGIE

STYLE TONIGHT."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"STRAY DOGGIE STYLE?

WHAT'S THAT?"

"WELL BABY, IT'S THE SAME THING

AS DOGGIE STYLE EXCEPT YOU'RE

IN A DUMPSTER."

[LAUGHTER]

WORLD, RIGHT, LESS WAR?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BUT GOD BLESS OUR SOLDIERS

FIGHTING FOR US 'CAUSE I'LL

TELL YOU RIGHT NOW I COULD

NEVER GO TO WAR MYSELF.

I'M SUCH A WOOS.

IF I EVER GOT CAUGHT I WOULD

BE THE WORST POW.

[FOREIGN ACCENT] "YOU WILL

TELL US WHERE THE SECRET

LOCATION IS."

"HEY, I'M NOT TELLING YOU GUYS

ANYTHING."

"THESE ARE THE EXACT

COORDINATES RIGHT HERE AND

WILL YOU GUYS BE NEEDING ANY

ORAL SEX WHILE I'M HERE?"

[LAUGHTER]

BUT WE CAUGHT THAT SADDAM.

THAT'S GOOD RIGHT?

YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HE WAS LOOKING GOOD WHEN WE

GOT HIM.

I THOUGHT THEY PULLED SANTA

OUT OF A CRACK HOUSE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THEY STILL WANT HIM TO

MAKE A STATEMENT OF SURRENDER

BACK TO IRAQ.

IMAGINE THE AMERICAN INFLUENCE

ON THAT STATEMENT.

WE'LL PROBABLY HAVE PRODUCT

PLACEMENT IN THERE BECAUSE

WE'RE SUCH CAPITALISTIC PIGS.

[FOREIGN ACCENT] "PEOPLE OF

IRAQ, SURRENDER YOUR ARMS.

I'VE BEEN CAPTURED, THE COUNTRY

IS IN FIRE AND RUIN BUT THERE

IS SOME POSITIVE NEWS.

THANKS TO GEIKO, I AM GETTING

A HUGE BREAK ON MY CAR

INSURANCE."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BUT DID YOU GUYS SEE THE FIRST

GUY THEY WANTED TO PUT IN

THERE IN THE INTERIM GOVERNMENT

AFTER SADDAM?

YOU KNOW WHAT THE FIRST GUY'S

NAME WAS?

DR. HUSSEIN AL SHARISTARY.

IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT

HUSSEIN IS NOT THE NEW GUYS

NAME?

IMAGINE AFTER WORLD WAR II,

SO ENDS THE HORRIBLE REGIME OF

ADOLF HITLER.

HIS SUCCESSOR, ADOLF SCMITLER...

[LAUGHTER]

BEST KNOWN FOR HIS BOUT WITH

BRONCHITIS NOVEL, "MY COUGH"...

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WILL TAKE OFFICE NEXT WEEK.

BUSH IS DOING HIS BEST...

YOU KNOW IT'S HARD TO WATCH

PRESIDENT BUSH SPEAK THOUGH,

ISN'T IT?

ISN'T IT HARD?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

ESPECIALLY WHEN HE'S TRYING TO

READ OFF OF THAT TELEPROMPTER

AND INSERT THE APPROPRIATE

FACIAL EXPRESSION INTO EACH

LINE.

YOU SEE HIM TRYING TO BALANCE

THAT?

HE'S LIKE "THE PEOPLE OF

ERA-Q ARE FREE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

A LOT OF THESE COUNTRIES DON'T

LIKE US.

IT'S NOT JUST THE MIDDLE EAST,

WHO ELSE?

WE DROPPED THOSE BOMBS ON JAPAN

NOW THEY'RE USING THEIR SUPER

HOT DOG EATING POWERS AGAINST

US, HOW ANNOYING IS THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

AND RUSSIA NEVER LIKED US,

BUT WHO CARES, WHAT DID RUSSIA

EVER GIVE US, THAT STINKING

DRESSING?

WE HAD KETCHUP AND MAYONNAISE

THE WHOLE TIME PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT I'LL TELL YOU I WENT OUT

WITH A RUSSIAN GIRL.

THEY'RE ALWAYS TOUTING HOW MUCH

BETTER THEIR COUNTRY IS,

MEANWHILE THEY'RE LIVING HERE.

HOW ANNOYING IS THAT?

SHE WAS LIKE "RUSSIA'S BETTER

'CAUSE YOU AMERICAN'S ARE

BLAH BLAH BLAH AND RUSSIA'S

VEH VEH VEH..."

"YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT, WHY DON'T

YOU GO BACK TO RUSSIA, WHERE

YOU HAVE TO PEE ON EACH OTHER

FOR HEAT?

WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT,

ALL RIGHT?"

YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"DO I HAVE TO SIT YOU DOWN TO

WATCH ROCKY IV AGAIN TO SHOW

YOU WHO THE SUPERIOR RACE IS?"

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

Russ Meneve: BUT NEW YORKERS

IN HERE, WE HAVE TO COME

TOGETHER AFTER 9/11, RIGHT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I LIVE UH...

I LIVE IN THE CITY.

DID ANYBODY GET THAT

RIDICULOUSLY BELATED PHONE CALL

FROM ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS AFTER

IT HAPPENED?

NEW YORKERS KNOW WHAT I'M

TALKING ABOUT.

I GOT A CALL SIX DAYS AFTER IT

HAPPENED FROM A GOOD FRIEND.

HE'S LIKE "HEY DUDE, I JUST

CALLED TO SEE IF YOU WERE OKAY."

"HEY THANKS, IT HAPPENED A WEEK

AGO!

I'M IN THE RUBBLE, SEND HELP.

HOW'S THAT FOR ANSWER STUPID,

HUH?"

[LAUGHTER]

WE ALL THOUGHT THE SAME THING

ON 9/11, RIGHT?

THOSE [BLEEP] DAMN

WRIGHT BROTHERS, I KNEW THIS WAS

GONNA HAPPEN!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO BUT THAT GOES TO SHOW,

NO MATTER WHAT YOU INVENT

SOMEBODY'S GOING TO TRY TO USE

IT FOR EVIL, RIGHT?

LIKE I ASSURE YOU THE INVENTOR

OF THE SKI MASK, HAD THE BEST

OF INTENTIONS.

[LAUGHTER]

HE JUST WANTED TO KEEP YOUR

HEAD WARM ON A BRISK SKI SLOPE

THAT'S ALL HE WANTED.

WHO KNEW 80% WOULD BE USED FOR

ARMED ROBBERY AND RAPE.

WHO KNEW THAT?

HE EVEN PUT THAT CUTE LITTLE

FURRY BALL ON TOP, RIGHT?

YOU CAN'T USE THAT HAT FOR EVIL

WITH THAT CUTE LITTLE BALL UP

THERE.

YOU GOTTA CUT IT OFF OR MAKE

THE BALL EVIL.

PUT SOME DARK HAIR AND A HITLER

MOUSTACHE ON THE BALL OR SOME

DARK MEAN EYES AND ANOTHER

LITTLE SKI MASK OVER THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER THINK WHAT THE THOUGHT

WAS BEHIND THAT HAT WITH THAT

BALL UP THERE?

"HEY, GUY'S LOOK AT MY HAT,

IT KEEPS MY HEAD WARM AND IN

CASE I DROP DEAD, THE CAT HAS

SOMETHING TO PLAY WITH UNTIL

HELP ARRIVES."

[LAUGHTER]

"GOOD IDEA, BOB."

IMAGINE FINDING A DEAD BODY

LIKE THAT AND THE CATS LIKE...

[LAUGHTER]

BALL WORKS!

BUT I DON'T LIKE CATS VERY MUCH,

YOU KNOW.

CATS HAVE NINE LIVES BUT WHAT

THEY DON'T TELL YOU IS THE

MICROWAVE WIPES OUT ALL NINE

AT ONCE.

YEAH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[WHISTLES]

I FOUND OUT THE HARD WAY.

POOR PATCHES, HE WENT DOWN.

BUT I DON'T TRUST THESE AN

YOU KNOW.

I WAS WATCHING A SHOW ON SHARK

ATTACKS EVER WATCH THESE SHARK

SHOWS?

OH, MY GOD THEY'RE GREAT.

THERE'S ALWAYS LIKE A SHARK

EXPERT IDIOT ON EVERY SHOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS GUY SAID?

THERE WERE 79 UNPROVOKED SHARK

ATTACKS LAST YEAR.

"UNPROVOKED."

DO WE NEED THAT WORD IN THERE?

ARE THERE PEOPLE PROVOKING SHARK

ATTACKS?

IS THERE SOME DICK FROM JERSEY

IN THE WATER, "HEY SHARK, YOUR

FREAKIN' LOOKIN' AT ME?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YOU GOT A PROBLEM OR SOMETHING?

I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU TO BITE,

RIGHT HERE!"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

BUT YOU KNEW THESE ANIMALS

WOULD TURN ON US 'CAUSE WE'RE

EATING THEM, RIGHT?

LOOK AT THE LOBSTER, HE IS THE

TASTIEST ANIMAL AND HE HAS NO

LINE OF DEFENSE.

WHAT DOES HE HAVE THIS, THIS IS

RIGHT HERE?

"OH, LOOK OUT, I'M A BIG SCARY

LOBSTER, I CAN'T BE STOPPED!"

UNLESS OF COURSE YOU HAVE A

RUBBER BAND ON YOU!

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW YOU SUCK AS ANIMAL

WHEN YOU CAN BE SHUT DOWN WITH

OFFICE SUPPLIES, AM I RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND THE COW, THAT'S THE WORST

OF IT, RIGHT?

LOOK AT THE CHEESEBURGER.

NOT ONLY HAVE WE MADE HIM INTO

A SANDWICH BUT WE'VE USED HIS

OWN MILK AS A TOPPING.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

YEAH.

[APPLAUSE]

YOU EVER THINK WHAT MILK IS TO

THE COW?

THAT'S WHAT THEY FEED THEIR

BABIES, WE JUST DRINK IT WE

DON'T CARE.

SIR, IMAGINE COMING HOME FROM

WORK ONE NIGHT, YOU WALK IN

THE BEDROOM, TWO COWS ARE

HOLDING DOWN YOUR PREGNANT

WIFE AND SUCKING HER NIPPLES.

THE SECOND YOU GOT DONE BEATING

OFF, YOU'D SHOOT THOSE COWS,

RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MAYBE JUST A PERSONAL FANTASY

OF MINE MAYBE SO ANYWAY...

I DON'T KNOW I THINK I NEED

THERAPY MYSELF, YOU KNOW.

'CAUSE I THINK I'M BIPOLAR.

'CAUSE WHEN I GET DRUNK,

I DRESS UP AS A WHITE ARCTIC

BEAR AND I HAVE SEX WITH MEN

AND WOMEN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WAIT THAT'S NOT BIPOLAR,

HOLD ON A SECOND.

EITHER WAY I SHOULD SEE A

THERAPIST FOR THAT, RIGHT?

YOU GUY'S EVER GO TO THERAPY

BEFORE?

ISN'T IT AMAZING HOW QUICKLY

THAT COMPASSION SHUTS OFF WHEN

THE TIME IS UP?

YOU THINK THEY REALLY CARE FOR

A COUPLE OF SECONDS, RIGHT?

"OH, THAT'S SO SAD.

YOU WERE CRYING, NAKED,

CHAINED TO THE TREE AND...

WHOA, LOOK AT THE TIME SESSION'S

OVER."

THEN TRYING TO TALK TO THEM

AFTER IS LIKE TRYING TO TALK

TO WILLY WONKA AT THE END OF

THE MOVIE, RIGHT?

"BUT I THOUGHT I WAS HAVING A

BREAK THROUGH?"

"I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW.

I HAD TO GO 'CAUSE HAD A BAD

BREAK UP.

I BROKE UP WITH MY 95 YEAR-OLD

GIRLFRIEND WHO I MISS A LOT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN LAUGH ALL YOU WANT BUT

SHE WAS GREAT.

AND SHE USED TO WANT ME TO TALK

DIRTY TO HER IN BED.

I WOULD DO IT, I WAS LIKE,

"YEAH, BITCH I'M GOING TO FILL

YOU LIKE A PRESCRIPTION,

YOU LIKE THAT YEAH!

I'M GONNA RIDE YOU LIKE A BUS

TO ATLANTIC CITY, LET'S GO!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, GOD I'M GONNA...

OH BINGO!

ALL RIGHT!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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