Monday, February 29, 2016

  • 02/29/2016

Jordan Klepper, Mike Yard and Ron Funches create #PoliticalSuperheroes, defend newsworthy articles and make "Star Wars" more diverse in this Late-Night Showdown.

Ripped from today's headlines,it's Rapid Refresh!

(cheers and applause)

These are the seven topicspermitted on the Internet today.

First up Gay Star Wars. Gay Star Wars.

J.J. Abrams says he'd loveto see a gay character

in the upcoming Star Wars movie.

I don't think we're talkingabout Yoda. Uh, hubba hubba.

♪ Hey, how you doin',lil mama? ♪

♪ Let me whisper in your ear.

(laughter)

Maybe he means Yoda.

-(applause, whooping)-Wow!

That's actually the only song

that can make a wrinkled900-year-old troll

seem like a sexual being.

(laughter)

(like Yoda): Neglect the balls,you must not.

But for real,including gay characters means

a whole new generationof Star Wars fans.

Young fans will seethe real world reflected

in their favorite movie,and that is amazing.

That should absolutelybe something that happens,

and, like J.J. says,it's all about inclusivity,

and in a universe fullof giant dogs with crossbows

and crime lordsshaped like turds,

there have to be gay peopleand gay aliens,

or gay-lienswhen I search Pornhub...

-Uh...-(laughter)

So, comedians,what are other groups

the new Star Wars filmsare going to be inclusive of?

-Ron Funches.-Well, that's it,

not only are there gonna begay humans and aliens,

they're finally gonna come outas R2-D2-LBGTQ.

Yes. Points. Points.

(applause)

Yep. C-3PO-MG.

Uh... Mike.

They are finallygonna let Chewbacca admit

that he's a humanwho is a furry.

-Yeah. Points. Points.-(laughter, applause)

-Jordan. -I think they'llfinally pander to millennials

by havingKylo and his girlfriend

move into a studio apartment,refuse to get married,

-and then film a Web series.-Yeah. Points. Points.

-Where he just hastemper tantrums. -Yeah.

On to our next topic:Audio Quiz.

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:Audio Quiz.

-Ooh...-Ah, that's what I said.

Uh... this just resurfacedon Mashable.

The familyof some girl named Audrey

decided to post a messageto YouTube.

Here's a quick samplefor tonight's Audio Quiz.

Take a listen.

(high-pitched keening)

(laughter)

Comedians,what... the hell was that?

Ron Funches.

Oh, that is definitelya dog singing "Happy Birthday,"

and that mother (bleep)nailed it.

(laughter)

-(applause)-Now...

First of all, you're right.

-(laughter)-Uh...

Oh, I know itwhen I hear it, Chris.

Second of all...second of all,

here's how well he nailed it.

-(keening)-♪ Happy birthday to you.

(dog continues keening)

-Happy birthday.-(keening)

HARDWICK: Oh, my God.

Now... how do you get a dogto sing like that?

Well, you geta balding local football coach

to stand behind youand squeeze the dog's balls.

(laughter)

-I don't know, he look...-So now that you have that

in your minds,let's watch it again.

-(dog keening)-♪ Happy birthday to you.

(continues keening)

-Happy birthday.-(keening)

-(applause)-Much better. Way better.

It looked likehe found his spot.

-(laughter)-Where's that spot?

-The D-spot.-The D-spot.

-HARDWICK: Wait, what?-It's a dog. The D-spot.

HARDWICK (laughing):It's a...

You got to keep up with me,people. Come on.

HARDWICK:Holy (bleep).

-Hundred points to Mike for...-Wouldn't have a G-spot.

It's now timefor tonight's HashtagWars.

(cheering)

-(applause)-(Yard speaks indistinctly)

Tomorrow... a whopping 12 stateshold their primary elections

in what is commonly referred toas Super Tuesday!

Which I'm pretty sure isjust Clark Kent Tuesday

with its glasses off. Hey-yo.

So in honor of thissuper-powered voting...

You know, people at homechuckle at that

and they're mad at themselvesfor (bleep) chuckling at that.

And I'm mad for you.

So in honor ofthe super-powered voting day,

tonight's hashtag isPoliticalSuperheroes.

Examples might be:Make Krypton great again!

Or: Jeb Pool.

Or: Yes, All Wonder Women.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Mike.-BlackLivesMatter Panther.

Points. Ron.

Red Scalia.

Points. Mike.

-Robin Planned Parenthood.-Points.

-Jordan.-Joe Lieber-Man.

Points. Ron.

Flint Aquaman. He's sick.

(laughter)

Points.

-Jordan.-Uh, Martian O'Malley.

Points. Ron.

The Justice Leagueof Women Voters.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Ron Funches again.-And the League of Old White Men

Who Are in Chargeof Your Uterus.

-Points.-(laughter)

And, uh... now it's timeto play Is This News?

Is This News?

There's this form of attentionpolicing on social media

where people get upset abouta news site publishing a story

they don't find newsworthy,and they handle their outrage

in the mostproductive way possible:

by whimpering,bewildered, into the void,

"How or why is this news?"

So I'm gonna show you a tweet ofsomeone crying out in the dark

about a story they have deemedunfit for publication,

and for 250 points I want youto explain to them

why it is in fact newsworthy.First up,

"A water main breakis the lead story on the news.

One person is without water."

@AmericasBarbie asks,"Why is this news?"

-Ron Funches.-Uh, because it was Ariel

from The Little Mermaid.

Oh! Yeah, that'sreally important.

That's really important.

Jordan.

Uh, because that person is Jesus

and he has a wine tastingthis afternoon.

Yes, points.

Wait a minute...Oh, I'm a little...

I'm sorry, I didn't...

You have to bring your own wineto the wine tasting?

-Yeah. -Okay.

He's a giver, all right? He doesn't want to take.

Hey, guys, I broughtmy own wine. Oh, Jesus,

-you're the best.-I am.

Oh, great.Next up,

"Jeremy Corbynwon't name his cat

and insteadsimply calls it 'the cat'."

@SuneiaO_o says,"Why is this news?" Ron.

Uh, because that's a dog, Chris.

Points.Mike Yard.

Uh, because he named his son Sonand his daughter Lady Son.

Yeah, points.Points.

Easy to remember.

Next up, "Kylie Jenner is down

to get hit in the facewith a hot dog."

-@emmaenders asks,"Why is this news? -(man whoops)

Don't "woo" that.

I know why you're "woo"ing that,and that's not okay.

I brought a hot dog...Put the hot dog away!

Ron.

Why is this news?It... Because it means

she reads my letters, Chris.

Yes, points.Points.

Aah!

Jordan.

Uh, because she has to findsomething to do

that her sistershaven't already done.

Yeah, points.

Points.

Next, you guys,uh, there's a cat

who looks like Adam Driverthat got adopted. Uh...

-YARD: That's so weird.-Yeah, dude.

That's so crazy.

Wow.

That's amazing.

I... I don't even know why wehave to answer why this is news.

That's (bleep)...

YARD:It's totally news.

Why is this news, Ron Funches?

Uh, because that catkilled Han Solo.

All right, points.Points.

Finally, Mexicandrug lord El Chapo

had 'testicle implantfor erectile dysfunction'

while on the run.

@ogoeric asks,while laughing and crying,

"this is news because?"Jordan.

Well, because I thoughtI was donating my testicle

to a ball-less orphan.

Uh...

It hurts so much to see itin front of me like that.

Uh, points. Mike.

Because Mexican doctorsare so skilled

that they can perform surgerywhile the patient

-is still running.-Yeah, points.

Before the break,

we told you about the AnatomyAwards, the only red carpet

where no one asks the actresseswho they're wearing.

Uh, I asked you to writean acceptance speech of this one

as, uh, these Mr. Skin winners.Let's see what you wrote.

-Jordan, let's start with you.-(exhales)

I have to thank Mr. Jorgensen,my first acting coach,

who, at the age of seven,was the first person to tell me,

"You have a great dick."

-Thank you. Thank you. Thankyou. -Oh. You owe it all to him.

-Inspirational.-Mike Yard.

Uh, I just want to say toall the little boys out there,

someday you, too, can beobjectified by total strangers

and then be expectedto thank them for it.

-Yeah.-The dream is real, people.

-The dream is real.-All right.

Ronald Funches.

Now, I-I would liketo thank the academy.

But first I must say,I am appalled

that after 18 yearsthat we're still here

with no white actors nominatedfor Biggest Dick.

As we go to our next game,Who Would Win? Who Would Win?

Our show tonight will crownthe undisputed champion

of Comedy Centrallate night programming,

but I am wonderingwho is the champion

of Comedy Central'slate, late night programming.

Is it a rerun of Tosh.0? Or a Slap Chop infomercial?

Who knows?

Well, this is the typeof thought experiments they do

on the subreddit Who Would Win?,where redditors propose

other insane hypotheticalbattles, like this one

from Maxidaz,Donald Trump in an Iron Man suit

versus every illegalMexican immigrant.

Or...(chuckles)

or this onefrom chrisfromjersey,

Gary Busey on LSD with a crowbar

versus the entire castof Sesame Street.

-That's a good battle.-That's a good battle. -Yeah.

That would be a good fight.I want to see that.

-I want to watch that fight.-This is a bunch of fun,

so, comedians, I would like youto come up with

as many hypothetical showdownsas you can

in 60 seconds. And begin. Ron.

Oh, yo' mama versus Deez Nuts.

All right. Points. Mike.

Uh, Deez Nuts versus Doze Nuts.

-Points. Jordan.-Ooh.

Uh, Chris Brownversus Board of Education.

All right. Points. Mike.

The Republican Partyversus progress.

-Points. Jordan. -(cheeringand applause) -Come on!

-Points. -Uh, strong femalecharacters versus actual women.

Points. Jordan.

Uh, Bernie Sandersversus slippery sidewalk.

All right, points.