I Just Got Voodoo'd

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 10/26/2010

Three cooks battle it out on "Top Meth," and a star ballet dancer's physique causes trouble.

I HAVE TO ADMITI'M KIND OF NERVOUS.

DON'T BE.

- BUT YOU KNOW THE DEAL THOUGH, RIGHT?- WHAT DEAL?

OH, HE'S BLIND,

BUT HE DOESN'T THINKANYONE KNOWS,

SO JUST KIND OFGO WITH IT.

WHAT?SERIOUSLY.

ALL RIGHT, HOW ARE YA?

DO YOU HAVE-- AH.HEH.

GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE.

- GOOD MORNING, SIR.- MORNING, SIR.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?HAPPY TUESDAY.

OH! OH.

SORRY. PHIL!

PHIL, GOOD TOSEE YOU, BUDDY.

YOU GOT SOME LITTLE CRUMBON YOUR CHEEK THERE.I GOT IT FOR YOU.

ALL RIGHT.HAPPY TUESDAY,HAPPY TUESDAY.

( vocalizing )

NOW WHERE ISTHE NEW GUY?

RIGHT HERE, SIR.

TED, WELCOME TOTHE TEAM, BUDDY.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

TED, HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU

YOU LOOK EXACTLYLIKE BRAD PITT?

UH, OF COURSE.ALL THE TIME.

ALL THE TIME, RIGHT? IT'S WEIRD.

I THOUGHT I WALKEDINTO A FIGHT CLUB.

I LOVE SITTING DOWNIN A SMOOTH WAY

AND JUST EASINGINTO IT.

( sighs )

LET'S STARTTHE PRESENTATION.

ABSOLUTELY, SIR.

AS YOU CAN SEE,WE HAD GREAT RETURNS

LAST QUARTERIN THE CAPITAL SECTOR.

PROFITS ROSE BY THAT MUCH THERE.

ALL RIGHT. YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD GRAPH.

COSTS FELL BECAUSEOF THAT GRAPHIC

ILLUSTRATEDRIGHT THERE.

INTERESTING.THAT'S A PRETTY BIGSPIKE RIGHT THERE.

( imitates changing slides )

THIS IS THE OUTCOMEFOR THE SECOND QUARTER.

NOW, UH,SOMETHING'S OFF HERE.

AM I RIGHTABOUT THAT OR--?

GREAT CATCH,MR. HODGES.

LET ME JUST FIX THAT.

( groaning )

FEELS BAD.

YES.YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, PRECIOUS,THAT WAS GREAT.

UM, NOW REMEMBER,WE'VE GOTTA GET TOTHE FIFTH LEVEL HERE,

WHICH IS YOURLITERACY CLASS.

AND I NEED YOU TO REALLYEMOTIONALLY DIAL IN ON THIS.

- OKAY.- THIS IS GONNA BE A BIG VIDEO GAME.

THE "PRECIOUS" VIDEO GAMEIS GOING AGAINST "HALO 6,"

SO THAT'S A LOTOF COMPETITION, ALL RIGHT?

SO DIAL IN THE GHETTO.

ROLL PLAYBACK.

HERE WE GO.

ALL RIGHT,ROLL PLAYBACK, JERRY!

- GOD DAMN IT!- ( suspenseful music playing )

ALL RIGHT,YOU'RE ON LEVEL ONE.YOU'RE CLIMBING.

UH-OH, A BEER MUGIS FLYING AT YOU.

- WAVE YOUR ARMS. AND DUCK, WHOA!- LIKE THIS?

YEAH, GREAT.NOW TAKE YOUR BABY.

USE YOUR BABY.

THERE'S YOUR BABY YOU MADE, YEAH.

NOW TO GET TO LEVEL TWO,

YOU GOTTA GET DOWNTHE STAIRS, ALL RIGHT?

DODGE A T.V. SET.

OH MY GOD, A T.V. SET ALMOST HIT YOU.

OKAY, WHOA!

OKAY, NOW START WAVING YOUR ARMS.

NOW HERE YOU HAVE TO GOTO THE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE.

SO ON THE WAY YOU GOTTACARJACK SOME GUY

AND SHOOT A HOOKER, OKAY?

BUT THAT DIDN'T HAPPENIN THE MOVIE.

OH, IT DIDN'T?'CAUSE I DON'T CARE.I DIDN'T SEE THAT MOVIE.

ALL RIGHT, OKAY, NEXT IS LEVEL THREE.

YOU'VE GOT TO GETTO THE FREE CLINICFOR YOUR PREGNANCY TEST.

YOU'RE HAVING ANOTHER BABYOUT OF YOUR VAGINA.

- HERE'S A CROSSBOW.- WHAT'S THIS FOR?

IN ORDER TO GET TOTHE CLINIC YOU GOTTAKILL OSAMA BIN LADEN.

WHY BIN LADEN?

BECAUSE HE PLAYSYOUR DAD CARL

IN THE VIDEO GAMEVERSION OF THE MOVIE.

I MEAN, JESUS CHRIST.

COME ON, MORE ENERGY.SHOW ME PRECIOUS!

WHERE IS PRECIOUS,THE GIRL EVERYBODY LOVES?ALL RIGHT?

NOW COME ON, YOU'RE BEING CHASED

BY A T. REX IN A PARKING STRUCTURE.

FIGHT HIM OFF WITHYOUR FRYING PAN, OKAY?

- ( pan clangs )- GET THAT T. REX. "GET OUTTA HERE, T. REX."

- ( music stops )- THIS IS STUPID.

LOOK, DO ME A FAVOR, OKAY,AND JUST WAVE YOUR ARMS AROUND.

WAVE THOSE BIG PILLOWSAND MAKE SOME MONEY.

- MAKE EVERYONE MONEY.- THAT'S ENOUGH, LITTLE MAN.

I'M ABOUT THIS CLOSETO SLAPPING THE --OUTTA YOU.

HI, LOOK WHO SHOWED UP--PRECIOUS.

PERFECT.CAN YOU KEEP THAT?

AND WE'LL DO IT AGAIN.THAT WAS GREAT.THAT WAS GREAT.

UM, I LIKE THAT SASSTHAT YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW.

THAT'S WHATI WANNA SEE, OKAY?

THAT INTENSITYJUST GOT YOU ANOTHER JOB.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?"BIG MAMA'S HOUSE"THE VIDEO GAME.

OKAY, SO ONE IMPORTANT THINGABOUT THIS NEW JOB--

CAN YOU FART OUTTHE BIRTHDAY CANDLESON A BIRTHDAY CAKE?

IS YOUR FACEA BIRTHDAY CAKE?

Announcer: ON THE SEASON FINALE OF THIS YEAR'S HOTTEST SHOW,

"TOP METH," IT'S DOWN TO OUR FINAL THREE COOKS.

AND LET'S SAY THE LAB IS GETTING HOT.

MAN, I AIN'TNO DAMN HARRY POTTER.

THIS SOMEWHITE PEOPLE BULL.

HEY, MAN, WHY DON'T YOUGO ON "TOP CRACK" THEN?

BECAUSE I'M GONNA WINTHIS SHOW RIGHT HERE.

"TOP CRACK"?I GOT YOUR TOP CRACKRIGHT HERE.

- BOOM, BOY.- OH, -- YOU, OBAMA.

I'MA HURT THIS WHITE BOY.SOMEBODY BRING ME BACK MY GUN.

Announcer: CASSIE REMAINS COMPLETELY STRUNG OUT.

WE'RE OUT OF INGREDIENTS,SO I HAD TO -- THAT GUY

TO GET THE BATTERIESFROM HIS WALKMAN.

THESE AAs ARE REALLYGONNA SPICE UP MY BATCH.( shudders )

Announcer: AS THE COOKS ARE PUSHED TO THEIR LIMITS, PANIC SETS IN.

Wayne's voice: I GUESS THE SECRET INGREDIENT IS CILANTRO,

WHICH IS SOME LEAFY-ASS --.

SMELLS LIKE GODDAMN AIDS,BUT HOPEFULLY IT'LL BRING OUT

THE PAINT THINNER REAL GOOD.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I SUCKED MY OWN --ON EASTER.

Announcer: THE RECIPE BETTER BE STRONG

BECAUSE THESE JUDGES HAVE A HIGH TOLERANCE.

FEELS LIKE RAT --.

NAH, MAN, I CUTTHAT LITHIUM WITHMY OWN DOOKIE.

- ( blows raspberry )- I CAN FEEL THE DOOKIE RIGHT HERE, ASS--.

( sniffing )AIN'T NO DOOKIE IN THIS.

YOU GOING THROUGHTO THE NEXT ROUND.

THAT'S WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT, MAN!

I'MA SUCK MY -- IN FRONTOF MY WHOLE FAMILY.

HOLD UP.WHAT ABOUTCASSIE'S BATCH?

( explodes )

HER LAB BLEW UP.DISQUALIFIED!

I WIN!

HI. HAVE YOUOR SOMEONE YOU LOVEBEEN PLAGUED BY VOODOO?

IF SO, CALL ME,MERV FARENZ...

( echoing )VOODOO LAWYER.

I'VE SEEN IT HAPPEN200 TIMES.

YOU AND YOUR LADY FRIEND,

YOU GO TO NEW ORLEANSFOR SPRING BREAK ON A WHIM.

YOU ORDER SOME DRINKSLIKE PEOPLE DO.

YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION. YOU'RE IN LOVE.

( people gasp )

OOPS, YOU'VE SPILLED YOUR DRINKON A HIGH VOODOO PRIEST.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

YOU'RE BARFING SNAKES.

- ( screaming )- ( hissing )

- ( dings )- THEY OPEN EVERY TIME.

VOODOO SEASONIS ALMOST UPON US,

SO DON'T WAIT TO GETYOURSELF CHECKED OUT.

RIGHT NOW YOU'RE ASKING,"MERV, HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH

ABOUT HELPINGVOODOO PEOPLE?"

WELL, I'LL TELL YOUIF YOU GIVE ME TWO SECONDS.

WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE,I DECIDED TO SPEND A SUMMERIN THE AMAZON.

I LOVED ADVENTURE.

IT WAS THERE THAT I GOT VOODOOED.

OH!( crying )

Merv's voice: I SPENT THE WHOLE TRIP CRYING SPIDERS.

( muttering )OH NO, I'M CRYING SPIDERS.

( sobbing )

WHY DID I GET VOODOOED?

Merv's voice: BUT INSTEAD OF LEAVING, I DECIDED TO LEARN.

DOES IT HAVE TO LOOKLIKE THE PERSON?

JUST A CRUDE REPRESENTATIONIS OKAY?

I GOTTA TELL YOU,YOU'RE A LIFESAVER.THIS IS GREAT STUFF.

HOW DO I WANNA SETSOMEBODY ON FIRE?

LIKE, IF I WANTED TO BURNSOMEBODY OR SOMETHING?

OH, JUST A LIGHTER?I SEE.

OH, SO THAT'S LIKEWE HAVE AT HOME.

PUSH IT DOWNLIKE THAT AND AROUND.

DOING A CRAZY-- GO INTOA CRAZY TRANCE, RIGHT?

OH, I DON'T HAVETHE THINGS, BUT--YEAH, OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

YEAH YEAH YEAH,I GET YOU.

GREAT!THANK YOU.

AND I BROUGHTTHAT KNOWLEDGE BACK HERE.

SO IF YOU'RE SUFFERINGFROM TINY SHRUNKEN HEAD,

PLANT HANDS, SNAKE PUBES,CORK FOOT,

OR ANY OTHER VOODOO AFFLICTION,DON'T HESITATE TO CALL.

I'M URINATING MAGGOTS!WHAT THE HELL?

HAVE A SEAT, BUDDY.WE'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

Merv's voice: MERV FARENZ, VOODOO LAWYER.