CC Presents: Greg Giraldo (2004)

  • 04/01/2004

Greg Giraldo finds optimistic new solutions for many of life's dangers and disappointments.

THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF SERIOUS

THINGS HAPPENING, YOU KNOW,

LIKE OF COURSE WARS AND

DISEASES.

EVERY DAY THERE'S A NEW DISEASE,

A NEW VIRAL OUTBREAK.

THERE'S-- YOU KNOW, IT'S A VERY

DANGEROUS WORLD WE LIVE IN,

RIGHT?

EVERY DAY THERE'S SOMETHING NEW.

THE WEST NILE VIRUS,

THE MONKEY POX THE SARS.

THE WEST NILE VIRUS, YOU KNOW

HOW THEY KNEW IT WAS COMING

BACK TO THE NEW YORK AREA?

THEY FOUND TWO BIRDS IN

WHITESTONE, QUEENS THAT WERE

INFECTED WITH THE VIRUS.

WHO FINDS THESE BIRDS?

[LAUGHTER]

I GREW UP IN QUEENS.

WE USED TO FIND DEAD BIRDS ALL

THE TIME.

WE DIDN'T TAKE 'EM IN FOR

AUTOPSIES.

YOU KNOW?

WE PICKED 'EM UP, AND WE THREW

'EM AT THE GAY KID.

THAT'S WHAT WE DID.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE WERE KIDS.

YOU KNOW WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW

WHAT GAY WAS AT THE TIME.

WE JUST KNEW HE RAN LIKE A GIRL

WHEN YOU THREW DEAD THINGS

AT HIM, SO WE DID IT.

I'M NOT PROUD OF IT.

THE MONKEY POX THE MONKEY POX.

THERE WERE PEOPLE IN THE

MIDWEST GETTING INFECTED WITH

THE MONKEY POX, BECAUSE THEY

WERE PLAYING WITH THEIR PET

PRAIRIE DOGS.

WHEN I HEARD YOU CAN GET A

DISEASE FROM PLAYING WITH YOUR

PRAIRIE DOG, I THOUGHT,

"WOW, WHAT A EUPHEMISM."

I THOUGHT PLAYING WITH MY

PRAIRIE DOG WAS THE BEST WAY TO

AVOID DISEASES.

WHO KNEW?

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY TRACKED IT DOWN WITHIN

TWO DAYS.

WITHIN TWO DAYS OF THE OUTBREAK,

THEY KNEW EXACTLY WHAT WAS

HAPPENING.

WITHIN TWO DAYS, THEY KNEW

EXACTLY WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

"WELL, OBVIOUSLY, THIS PRAIRIE

DOG HAD SHARED A CAGE WITH AN

AFRICAN RAT FROM NAMIBIA,

AND YOU COULD SEE FROM THE BILL

POX.

AND THAT'S OBVIOUSLY WHAT

HAPPENED.

WHY ARE THEY PUTTING THESE

GENIUS DETECTIVES ON THE MONKEY

POX CASE?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WHERE'S SADDAM HUSSEIN?

WHERE'S OSAMA BIN LADEN?

WHERE ARE THE WEAPONS OF MASS

DESTRUCTION?

WE CAN'T FIND ANY OF THAT,

BUT WE FIND A GOPHER WITH THE

SNIFFLES IN A TERRARIUM IN

MADISON, WISCONSIN.

NOW YOU, AH...

REMEMBER OSAMA BIN LADEN?

REMEMBER OSAMA BIN LADEN?

PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER 1.

WE GOTTA GET BIN LADEN.

WE GOTTA GET OSAMA BIN LADEN.

THEN THE NEW SEASON OF

"AMERICAN IDOL" CAME ON, AND

WE'RE LIKE, "AH, FORGET IT.

WHATEVER.

IT DOESN'T MATTER."

[LAUGHTER]

HOW DO WE NOT FIND HIM?

WHY IS THAT BEING SO

TRIVIALIZED?

THE FACT THAT WE CAN'T FIND HIM

IS A BIG DEAL, FOLKS,

RIGHT?

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DEMOCRATIZE

THE ENTIRE MIDDLE EAST,

BUT WE CAN'T FIND AN EIGHT FOOT

TALL TERRORIST WITH KIDNEY

FAILURE?

I MEAN THE DUDE'S GOT A BEAK

LIKE A TOUCAN.

HE'S GOTTA STAND OUT.

HE'S TETHERED TO A DIALYSIS

MACHINE THAT HE SOMEHOW DRAGS

AROUND FROM RECORDING SESSION

TO RECORDING SESSION.

YOU KNOW THAT'S GOTTA LEAVE

SOME SORT OF TRAIL IN THE SAND.

CAN'T WE TRACK THAT DOWN?

[APPLAUSE]

25-- $25 MILLION REWARD.

$25 MILLION REWARD AND

NO ONE'S TURNING HIM.

AND WE ACT LIKE, "GOD,

THEY ALL WANT US TO BE THERE.

THEY WANT US TO COME HELP."

$25 MILLION REWARD AND NOT ONE

OF THOSE BASTARDS IS TURNING

HIM IN, NOT ONE OF THEM.

AND $25 MILLION'S A LOT OF

MONEY IN NORTHERN PAKISTAN.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE NOT TURNING--

COULD YOU IMAGINE IF THERE

WAS A $25 MILLION REWARD FOR--

IMAGINE IF BIN LADEN WAS IN

THE UNITED STATES, AND THEY

OFFERED A $25 MILLION REWARD,

HOW MANY THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE

WOULD BE LINED UP AROUND THE

BLOCK TURNING PEOPLE IN,

ANYONE THAT REMOTELY LOOKED

LIKE HIM?

"I GOT HIM!

IT'S HIM!"

YOU KNOW?

PEOPLE TURNING THEMSELVES IN.

IT'S ME!"

PEOPLE LITERALLY DRAGGING

THEIR OWN KIDS IN, DRESSING

THEM UP TO LOOK LIKE BIN LADEN.

"THAT'S HIM, HE'S A MASTER OF

DISGUISE.

HE LOOKS A LOT TALLER ON CAMERA.

HE'S SITTING ON ANOTHER GUY'S

SHOULDERS."

[LAUGHTER]

WE NEED A GAME PLAN, FOLKS,

'CUZ THERE'S GONNA BE A LOT MORE

WARS, LET'S FACE IT.

AND THAT'S GONNA BE A BIG ISSUE.

WHAT DO WE DO WITH THE OF WARS?

'CUZ THERE'S A LOT MORE WARS

COMING.

IT'S NOT GONNA JUST BE IRAQ.

WE GOTTA LOT MORE.

WE GOTTA IRAN, SYRIA, NORWAY,

CANADA.

NORWAY CONTROLS THE WORLDS

REINDEER SUPPLY.

WE CAN'T HAVE THAT.

WE CAN'T HAVE OUR SHOPPING

MALL SANTA'S BEHOLDEN TO THESE

SCANDINAVIAN EXTREMISTS.

WE'RE TAKING NORWAY OUT.

IRAN.

WE'RE DEFINITELY GOING INTO

IRAN.

THEY HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS

ALREADY.

WHY AREN'T WE IN THERE?

WHY AREN'T IN IRAN NOW?

THE ONLY REASON WE'RE NOT IN

IRAN RIGHT NOW IS 'CUZ WE'RE

GOING ALPHABETICALLY AND

GEORGE BUSH CAN'T SPELL.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, I'M SAYING--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WE HAVE TO HAVE A GAME PLAN!

WE NEED A GAME PLAN WHEN

WE GO--

WE'RE GREAT AT BLOWING [BLEEP]

UP.

BUT THEN WHAT HAPPENS?

LOOK AT AFGHANISTAN, RIGHT,

WE HAD A BIG PLAN FOR

AFGHANISTAN, BUT THEN WE BLEW

EVERYTHING UP, WE LEFT.

AND NOW WHAT?

APPARENTLY THE WAR LORDS

AREN'T COOPERATING WITH OUR

GAME PLAN.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WE'RE SURPRISED BY THAT.

IT TURNS OUT THE WARLORDS ARE

PRICKS AFTER ALL.

WHO WOULD HAVE THUNK IT WITH

THE NAME "WARLORD" ATTACHED

TO THEIR TITLE AND ALL?

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE WARLORDS.

ONCE YOU'RE A WARLORD, YOU'RE

GONNA BE A WARLORD FOREVER.

YOU CAN'T DO SOMETHING ELSE.

YOU DON'T GO FROM WARLORD TO CAR

SALESMAN.

YOU DON'T OPEN YOUR OWN CAR LOT.

"I'M CRAZY ISHMAEL KAHN.

THE WAY I USED TO SLASH THE

EARS OFF MY RIVALS I NOW SLASH

PRICES OFF ALL NEW MITSUBISHI

GALLANTS."

IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S GONNA BE THERE--

LOOK, WE HAVE A LOT OF WARS

COMING, LET'S FACE IT.

LOOK AT ALL THE TROUBLE SPOTS

IN THE WORLD.

NORTH KOREA, THAT'S DEFINITELY

A TROU-- WE'RE DEFINITELY GOING

TO WAR NORTH KOREA.

THAT ANGRY LITTLE PSYCHO MIDGET,

THAT RULES NORTH KOREA.

ANYTIME YOU HAVE A SHORT LITTLE

MISERABLE BASTARD LIKE THAT

RUNNING AROUND A COUNTRY WITH

HIS HIGH HEEL SHOES AND HIS

BOUFFANT HAIR-DO, YOU KNOW WITH

HIS LITTLE, STUPID OLD LADY

GLAUCOMA GLASSES THAT HE WEARS--

HE'S ALL FURIOUS.

YOU KNOW HOW SHORT YOU HAVE

TO BE TO HAVE AN NAPOLEON

COMPLEX IN NORTH KOREA?

THIS--

[LAUGHTER]

THIS DUDE IS--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND LET'S FACE IT, FOLKS,

THESE WARS, YOU KNOW, THEY ARE

ABOUT OIL TO SOME EXTENT,

NO MATTER WHAT ANYBODY SAYS.

WE CARE ABOUT THAT PART OF THE

WORLD, 'CUZ IT'S IMPORTANT.

YOU KNOW, AND OIL IS FUELING

EVERYTHING THESE DAYS.

SOMEBODY SAID IF YOU DRIVE AN

SUV, YOU PUT MONEY INTO THE

HANDS OF TERRORISTS.

SO, I DON'T DRIVE AT ALL.

I JUST TAKE TAXIS.

THAT'LL SHOW 'EM.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T WANT MY MONEY ENDING UP

IN SOME FOREIGN COUNTRY.

[LAUGHTER]

WE NEED A WHOLE NEW ENERGY

SOURCE.

WHY ARE WE STILL RELYING ON OIL?

WE NEED A WHOLE NEW ENERGY

SOURCE.

WE NEED SOMETHING ELSE.

IT'S NOT GONNA BE

CONSERVATION, LET'S FACE IT.

AMERICANS ARE NOT GONNA

CONSERVE.

WE'RE NOT GONNA SHIFT TO SMALLER

WE CAN'T.

WE HAVE BIG, FAT KIDS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

YOU TRY WEDGING A CLAN OF THESE

MID-AMERICAN BEHEMOTHS AND THEIR

CHEETOS AND THEIR FUNIONS AND

THEIR GAME BOYS INTO THE BACK

SEAT OF A HONDA CIVIC.

IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.

YOU NEED THE TORQUE OF A BIG SUV

TO DRAG THESE FAT BASTARDS FROM

SOCCER PRACTICE TO SOCCER

PRACTICE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE BIG ISSUES?

LET'S SEE, THE ENVIRONMENT

OF COURSE.

I'M TELLING YOU I THINK THE

ENVIRONMENT'S GONNA BE A BIG

ISSUE.

I'M VERY CONCERNED ABOUT THE

ENVIRONMENT.

THE GLOBAL WARMING.

THAT'S WHY I'M VOTING FOR

DICK GEPHARDT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

[SUBDUED LAUGHTER]

I CAN SEE HE'S GONNA DO VERY

WELL.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HIS

POSITIONS ARE.

BUT YOU GOTTA FIGURE AN ALBINO

WITH NO EYEBROWS MUST BE

WORRIED ABOUT THE OZONE LAYER,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT DUDE HAS GOTTA BE

SWEATING IT BIG TIME,

'CUZ THIS ADMINISTRATION DOESN'T

CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT.

YOU KNOW SURPRISINGLY ENOUGH,

A TEXAS OIL MAN NOT THAT

CONCERNED ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT.

BUT LET'S FACE IT, THEY DON'T

GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT THE

ENVIRONMENT.

CHRISTINE TODD WHITMAN HAD TO

QUIT AS THE HEAD OF THE EPA.

YOU KNOW WHEN A GOVERNOR OF

NEW JERSEY DECIDES THE

ENVIRONMENT IS HOPELESS...

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GOTTA REALLY THINK THAT ONE

THROUGH.

I MEAN EVERY DAY THERE'S

SOMETHING NEW IN THE PAPER.

IF YOU REALLY CARED ABOUT THE

ENVIRONMENT, YOU HAVE TO ALMOST

BECOME SUCH A-- YOU HAVE TO USE

SUCH POWERS OF DENIAL TO GET

THROUGH IT, BECAUSE EVERY DAY

THERE'S NEW STORIES THAT COULD

JUST BLOW YOUR--

YESTERDAY IN THE PAPER THERE

WAS A STORY ABOUT BREAST MILK.

YOU KNOW, THIS TOXIC, FIRE

RETARDANT CHEMICAL IS BEING

FOUND IN DANGEROUS LEVELS IN

WOMEN'S BREAST MILK.

THAT COULD MAKE YOU--

MY WIFE'S BREASTFEEDING BUT YOU

KNOW YOU GOTTA BE AN OPTIMIST.

AND I'M LIKE, WELL, MAYBE IT'S

MAKING MY CHILD FIRE PROOF.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU END UP HAVING TO BE AN

OPTIMIST, 'CUZ THE GLOBAL

WARMING IS REAL, FOLKS.

GLOBAL WARMING IS HAPPENING.

LOOK AT OUT WEST.

THEY'RE GOING THROUGH THE WORST

DROUGHT IN THEIR HISTORY.

IN VEGAS, THEY'RE RATIONING

WATER.

THEY'RE RATIONING WATER IN

VEGAS.

THAT'S GONNA KILL THEIR ECONOMY.

WHO'S GONNA HOLD A CONVENTION

IN A CITY WHERE ALL THE WHORES

ARE THIRSTY AND SWEATY AND DIRTY

AND DEHYDRATED?

[LAUGHTER]

NOBODY'S GONNA FLY ACROSS THE

COUNTRY FOR A THIRSTY WHORE,

FOLKS.

NOBODY WANTS THAT.

YOU KNOW, IT'LL BE LIKE...

AH-- HA-- HA--

[LAUGHTER]

SOCIAL SECURITY'S GONNA BE

A BIG ISSUE IN THIS ELECTION.

SOCIAL SECURITY IS DEFINITELY

GONNA BE A BIG ISSUE,

BECAUSE WE TREAT OUR OLD PEOPLE

HORRIBLY IN OUR COUNTRY.

WE NEED TO TREAT OUR OLD PEOPLE

THE WAY THEY DO IN EUROPE.

LEAVING THEM ALONE TO DIE IN THE

HEAT WHILE WE GO ON VACATION.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M NOT KIDDING.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED IN FRANCE.

15,000 PEOPLE DIED, 'CUZ THEY

ALL HAD TO SKIP THE COUNTRY

AND GO OUT TO THE RIVIERA

AND SUN THEMSELVES IN THEIR

BALL-HUGGER MAN THONGS.

THEY COULDN'T EVEN--

[LAUGHTER]

THEY COULDN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED

TO PICK UP THE CELL PHONE AND

CALL GRAND MAMA, TELL HER TO

TAKE THE SWEATER OFF,

IT'S 145 DEGREES OUT.

YOU GOTTA TREAT YOUR OLD PEOPLE

BETTER, RIGHT?

WHEN I GO ON VACATION, I LEAVE

MY GRANDMOTHER IN THE BASEMENT

WHERE IT'S COOLER.

YOU GOTTA DO THAT.

BIG BUCKET OF WATER, PLENTY OF

CAT FOOD TO HOLD HER OVER,

YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN GROAN IF YOU WANT,

BUT I DON'T MEAN THE CAN TYPE,

'CUZ SHE DOES HAVE THE

ARTHRITIS.

I MEAN THE EASY OPENING KIBBLE

BAG.

SO DON'T JUDGE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S ALWAYS THE BIG ISSUE.

WE NEED MORE MONEY FOR THE

SCHOOLS.

WE NEED TO SPEND MORE MONEY ON

THE KIDS.

YOU EVER THINK MAYBE THE DAMN

KIDS AREN'T WORTH IT?

YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

MAYBE IT'S NOT THE MONEY.

MAYBE WE DON'T NEED MORE MONEY

FOR THE SCHOOLS.

MAYBE SOME OF THE KIDS JUST

SUCK.

WELL, LIKE, WELL, HOW ABOUT

SOME OF THESE INNER CITY

SCHOOLS WHERE THE KIDS AREN'T

HAVE ENOUGH MONEY?

IS IT THE MONEY OR IS IT THE

FACT THAT IT'S HARD TO LEARN

WHEN A PACK OF LATIN KINGS IS

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO

BUY A SPRINKLER SYSTEM?

I GUESS THAT WOULD HELP.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MAYBE WE DON'T NEED MORE MONEY

FOR THE SCHOOLS.

MAYBE WE JUST NEED TO SET SOME

STANDARDS AND STOP CODDLING

THESE DAMN KIDS.

IT'S ALL ABOUT SELF-ESTEEM

IN THE SCHOOLS.

BUILD THEIR SELF-ESTEEM.

MAKE THEM FEEL GOOD ABOUT

THEMSELVES.

FIRST OF ALL, IF EVERYBODY

GROWS UP WITH HIGH

SELF-ESTEEM, WHO'S GOING TO

DANCE IN OUR STRIP CLUBS?

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN THERE?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO OUR

PORNO INDUSTRY?

THESE WOMEN DON'T JUST GROW

ON TREES.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU NEED A LOT OF DRUNK DADDIES

MISSING A LOT OF DANCE

RECITALS BEFORE HE DECIDES

HE'S GOING TO BLOW A GOAT ON

THE INTERNET FOR 50 BUCKS

A POP.

AND IF THAT--

[LAUGHTER]

AND IF THAT DRIES UP...

[APPLAUSE]

LOOK AT WHAT THEY'RE DOING

WITH DODGE BALL.

THEY TOOK DODGE BALL OUT OF

THE SCHOOLS.

DODGE BALL IS BAD FOR THE KIDS

BECAUSE IT FORCES THE STRONG

TO TARGET THE WEAK.

WELL, THAT'S PART OF GROWING

UP.

PART OF GROWING UP IS LEARNING

YOUR STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES.

WHAT BETTER WAY TO FIGURE OUT

THAN HAND-EYE COORDINATION

AIN'T YOUR THING LIKE GETTING

DRILLED IN THE MOUTH WITH A

RED RUBBER BALL?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'VE ONLY GOT TO GET BEANED

IN THE FACE SO MANY TIMES BEFORE

YOU FIGURE OUT I BETTER HIT THE

BOOKS BECAUSE THIS IS NOT

WORKING OUT.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE WAS THIS SCHOOL IN

NEW YORK WHERE THEY TRIED TO BAN

MOTHER'S DAY.

THEY WANTED TO BAN MOTHER'S DAY

ARTWORK WOULD BE UPSETTING TO

CHILDREN FROM NON-TRADITIONAL

FAMILIES.

THAT'S WHAT IT'S COME TO.

MOTHER'S DAY IS CONTROVERSIAL.

WHY DON'T WE GET RID OF EVERY

HOLIDAY?

LET'S GET RID OF THANKSGIVING,

RIGHT?

THAT ARTWORK HAS TO BE UPSETTING

TO CHILDREN WHO ARE MISSING

FINGERS.

THAT HAS TO SUCK.

[LAUGHTER]

EVERY YEAR, EVERYBODY ELSE HAS

THAT PERFECT LITTLE TURKEY

TRACER CARD, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S NOT BAD ENOUGH YOUR

FATHER MAKES YOU WORK THE DELI

SLICER.

NOW YOU'VE GOT A TURKEY THAT

LOOKS LIKE ITS TAIL FEATHERS

WERE BLOWN OFF.

WHAT KIND OF GARBAGE HOLIDAY--

[KIDS VOICE] HEY,

HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

MY TURKEY LOOKS LIKE IT LIVES

NEAR A NUCLEAR PLANT.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

Greg Giraldo: WELL, I DON'T

KNOW IF THESE WILL BE ISSUES

OR NOT, BUT YOU KNOW, THERE'S

A LOT OF BIO-ETHICAL ISSUES,

CLONING, STEM CELL RESEARCH,

YOU KNOW.

NOBODY CARES ANYMORE NOW WE'RE

IN A BIG WAR, BUT CLONING

IS GOING TO HAPPEN, LET'S FACE

IT.

LET'S FACE IT.

CLONING IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

I JUST DON'T TRUST THE PEOPLE

DOING THE CLONING.

FIRST OF ALL, WE'VE GOT THIS

GUY IN ITALY, A FERTILITY

DOCTOR, ANTINORI.

HE'S SUPPOSEDLY CLONING BABIES.

AND YOU KNOW, LAST YEAR HE

HELPED A 72-YEAR-OLD WOMAN

GIVE BIRTH TO A BABY BOY.

A 72-YEAR-OLD WOMAN GIVING

BIRTH TO A BABY BOY.

NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT MAKES

A KID GAY, BUT I WOULD HAVE

TO THINK THAT SUCKING ON A

72-YEAR-OLD TITTY WOULD HAVE

TO BE A FACTOR.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE CAN HAVE THE NATURE VERSUS

NURTURE ARGUMENT LATER IF YOU

WANT, BUT YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIT

IT'S AT LEAST PLAUSIBLE THAT

IF YOUR INTRODUCTION TO

WOMANHOOD IS A CRINKLED-UP

72-YEAR-OLD [BLEEP], THERE'S A

GOOD CHANCE YOU'LL BE SITTING

ON A [BLEEP] AT SOME POINT IN

YOUR FUTURE.

LET'S BE HONEST.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M NOT JUDGING.

I'M SAYING IT'S POSSIBLE.

THEN, OF COURSE, YOU HAVE THE

YOU HAVE THE JAPANESE.

THEY'RE CLONING.

JAPANESE SCIENTISTS, THEY JUST

FOUND A 20,000-YEAR-OLD MAMMOTH

IN THE ICE IN SIBERIA AND

THEY'RE ABOUT TO CLONE IT.

THAT'S GREAT BECAUSE THERE'S

NOTHING THE WORLD NEEDS MORE

RIGHT NOW THAN A GIANT, HAIRY

ELEPHANT.

I'VE ALWAYS SAID THAT.

AND FIRST OF ALL, YOU'D THINK

THE JAPANESE OF ALL PEOPLE WOULD

WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH

PREHISTORIC ANIMALS AFTER

WHAT HAPPENED WITH GODZILLA,

YOU KNOW WHAT I

THE RALIANS, THEY'RE A DOOMSDAY

CULT.

THEY BELIEVE ALL HUMANS ARE

CLONES OF EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL'S

AND THAT THESE

EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL'S ARE GOING

TO COME BACK FROM OUTER SPACE

AND TAKE US INTO OUTER SPACES

ONE DAY, WHICH SOUNDS INSANE,

BUT IS IT ANY CRAZIER THAN ALL

THE REST OF OUR RELIGIONS?

I MEAN, I WAS RAISED CATHOLIC,

THE VIRGIN MARY?

[LAUGHTER]

WE HAVE A WHOLE RELIGION BASED

ON A WOMAN WHO REALLY STUCK TO

HER STORY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW I'M SAYING THAT THERE'S

A LEAP OF FAITH THERE, TOO.

LOOK AT ALL THE RELIGIONS.

LOOK AT THE JEWS.

LOOK AT THE INSANE THINGS THAT

JEWS BELIEVE.

THE JEWS BELIEVE

BARBRA STREISAND'S WORTH

1,000 BUCKS A TICKET.

IF THAT'S NOT CRAZY--

[LAUGHTER]

THEY BELIEVE YOU HAVE TO BE

CIRCUMCISED AS PART OF THE

RELIGION.

HOW IS THAT CONSISTENT WITH THE

REST OF JUDEO-CHRISTIAN FAITH?

GOD MADE MAN IN HIS IMAGE.

EXCEPT FOR THE [BLEEP] PART.

HE SCREWED THAT UP LET ME TELL

YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WE HAVE TO FIX.

I'VE BEEN TO A LOT OF THESE

CIRCUMCISIONS.

THEY ACTUALLY INVITE YOU TO GO,

WHICH IS GREAT.

YOU GET TO WATCH A CIRCUMCISION,

EAT BAGELS.

IT'S REALLY--

IT'S A VERY FUN EVENT.

WHAT DO PEOPLE WEAR TO A

CIRCUMCISION?

I JUST WORE A TIE WITH THE END

SNIPPED OFF.

I'M LIKE, WELL, THIS LOOK GOOD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALL THE RELIGIONS ARE INSANE.

LOOK AT THE ISLAMIC EXTREMISTS.

THE ISLAMIC EXTREMISTS BELIEVE

THAT IF YOU KILL IN THE NAME OF

ALLAH, YOU GET 72 VIRGINS.

SEVENTY-TWO VIRGINS.

DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO ANYONE?

AND IT'S AN ANCIENT RELIGION.

MAYBE IT WAS MISINTERPRETED.

MAYBE IT'S NOT 72 VIRGINS.

MAYBE IT'S A 7'2" PERSIAN.

THAT MAKES JUST AS MUCH SENSE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GET IN THE AFTERLIFE,

THERE'S SOME GIANT IRANIAN DUDE.

"WELCOME.

[LAUGHTER]

NOT VIRGIN, PERSIAN, BABY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW THE CHRISTIAN RIGHT

IS NO BETTER.

YOU KNOW, THE CHRISTIAN

EXTREMISTS ARE JUST AS BAD AS

ANYBODY ELSE.

PAT ROBERTSON, JERRY FALWELL,

THEY BLAMED 9/11 ON THE GAYS

AND THE LESBIANS AND THE PAGANS.

THE PAGANS?

I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS THE

PAGANS, BUT IT WAS ALL KINDS OF

OTHER PEOPLE INVOLVED AS WELL.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY SAID 9/11 WAS EVIDENCE

THAT GOD IS ANGRY WITH US.

REALLY.

ALL THE EVIDENCE YOU NEED THAT

GOD IS ANGRY WITH US IS

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE'S CAREER,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[LAUGHTER]

AND NOW PAT ROBERTSON'S ASKING

HIS FOLLOWERS TO PRAY FOR THE

RETIREMENT OF SUPREME COURT

JUDGES.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO PRAY FOR

ANYONE TO RETIRE, WHY NOT

BEN AFFLECK, YOU KNOW WHAT

I MEAN?

SERIOUSLY.

YOU KNOW, THE RIGHTISTS SAY,

"WELL, AMERICA'S LOST ITS

MORAL COMPASS."

WE'VE LOST OUR MORAL COMPASSES.

WE'RE AN EVIL, CORRUPT PLACE.

ARE WE REALLY?

MAYBE WE ARE OR MAYBE IT'S JUST

THAT ALL THE EVIL'S IN OUR FACES

NOW BECAUSE IT BECOMES OBVIOUS

AND EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT IT.

LOOK AT THOMAS JEFFERSON.

THE GUY HAD ILLEGITIMATE KIDS IN

THE 1700s AND THEY CAUGHT HIM

LAST YEAR.

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN, IF YOU CHEAT ON YOUR

WIFE AND YOU COVER IT UP FOR

200 YEARS, YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH

THINKING YOU'RE HOME FREE,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[LAUGHTER]

EVERYTHING'S RIGHT IN YOUR FACE.

THAT IS TRUE.

EVERYBODY'S JUST OPEN ABOUT

EVERY EVIL THING THEY DO.

PEOPLE USED TO DO EVIL [BLEEP]

ALL THE TIME, BUT THEY KEPT IT

QUIET.

NOW IT'S LIKE--

THERE WAS A TIME IN OUR HISTORY

WHERE IF YOU GOT PREGNANT AND

YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHO THE FATHER

WAS, YOU THOUGHT, "WOW, I'M A

WHORE.

[LAUGHTER]

I SHOULD HAVE KEPT BETTER TRACK.

HOW DID I LOSE TRACK?

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

I SHOULD HAVE KEPT A SIGN-IN

PAGE OR A JOURNAL OR SOMETHING."

AND YOU'D MAKE UP A LIE TO TELL

THE KID, "YOUR FATHER WAS A

HERO.

HE DIED IN THE WAR."

AND THEN THE KID WILL GROW UP

AND THINK, "WAIT A MINUTE.

WE NEVER WENT TO WAR WITH

HOLLAND IN THE '70s.

WHAT KIND OF GARBAGE LIE WAS

THAT?"

BUT AT LEAST YOU TRIED.

YOU CAN GO ON THE MAURY

POVICH SHOW AND SPIN A BIG

WHEEL TO SEE WHICH TOOTHLESS

MULLET HEAD WAS YOUR BABY DADDY.

[LAUGHTER]

"I SCREWED ALL Y'ALL.

ALL Y'ALL MY BABY DADDY.

I SCREWED ALL OF YOU, YOU,

AND YOU, AND YOU.

HE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU WITH

THE NO TEETH AND THE DROOL

AND THE BALD HEAD."

HE'S LIKE "YOU DID ME IN MY

BUTT.

YOU CAN'T GET PREGNANT THAT

WAY."

[LAUGHTER]

OF COURSE THE MADONNA THING.

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE WERE

CRITICIZING THAT, THE MADONNA.

YOU KNOW THAT WAS SO CORRUPT.

MADONNA KISSING BRITNEY ON

NATIONAL TELEVISION.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST.

TO ME, IT WAS LIKE WATCHING MY

GRANDMOTHER KISS MY BABY SISTER.

AND BY THAT, I MEAN HOT AS HELL.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WAS PRETTY DAMN HOT,

ALTHOUGH IT'S MADONNA.

YOU'D THINK SHE COULD HAVE

AMPED IT UP A LITTLE BIT.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S DOING THE SAME

TRICKS THAT DRUNKEN SORORITY

GIRLS USE ON SPRING BREAK FOR

SHOCK VALUE.

I MEAN, IT'S MADONNA.

THE LEAST SHE COULD HAVE DONE

OLSEN TWINS.

WAS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

[A

TO BE A BIG ISSUE.

I THINK THE PATRIOT ACT, WHERE

WE'RE SUSPENDING ALL SORTS OF

CIVIL LIBERTIES TO FIGHT

TERRORISM.

I THINK THE PATRIOT ACT WILL

MATTER A LOT TO PEOPLE ONCE THEY

FIGURE OUT THAT IT DOESN'T ONLY

APPLY TO ARABS.

THAT'S...

THAT'S...

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

LET'S FACE IT BECAUSE ONCE IT

APPLIES TO YOU, IT'LL MATTER

A LITTLE BIT MORE.

LIKE WE'RE GOING TO CHECK

EVERYONE'S COMPUTER RECORDS.

REALLY?

YOU'RE GOING TO CHECK MY

COMPUTER RECORDS?

IS THAT IMPORTANT?

I DON'T THINK THE GOVERNMENT

NEEDS TO KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT

TEEN ASIAN SLUTS IN ORDER

TO FIGHT TERRORISM.

[LAUGHTER]

EVERY TIME WE CATCH A TERRORIST,

HE'S ALWAYS A MASTERMIND.

THEY ARE ALWAYS TERRORIST

MASTERMINDS.

HE'S A MASTERMIND.

THAT'S MAYBE A LITTLE FLATTERING

A TERM TO APPLY TO THESE DUDES,

DON'T YOU THINK?

REALLY, MASTERMIND?

"OKAY.

YOU TAKE BOMB, RIGHT...

[LAUGHTER]

AND YOU PUT IN BACKPACK.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THEN YOU GET ON BUS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]]

"THEN YOU BLOW YOURSELF UP."

"WHY DO I HAVE TO BLOW MYSELF

UP?

WHAT-- DON'T YOU HAVE REMOTE

CONTROL OR SOMETHING?"

"WHO'S THE FRIGGIN' MASTERMIND

HERE?!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GET ALL MY NEWS FROM THE

FOX NEWS CHANN BECAUSE THE

FOX NEWS CHANN IS FAIR AND

BALANCED.

[SCATTERED BOO'S]

THEY'RE FAIR AND BALANCED!

THEY CAN BARELY SAY THEY'RE FAIR

AND BALANCED THEMSELVES.

I MEAN, IT'S A RI--

YOU KNOW, LOOK, IF YOU'RE

CONSERVATIVE, JUST ADMIT IT.

STOP LYING, STOP SAYING YOU'RE

FAIR AND BALANCED.

THEY CAN'T EVEN SAY IT.

IT'S LIKE, " FOX NEWS--

FAIR AND BALANCED."

[BREAKS OUT INTO LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE SO NOT FAIR IT'S CRAZY.

LIKE, "SUPREME COURT TO HEAR

CHALLENGES TO MICHIGAN'S

AFFIRMATIVE ACTION POLICIES.

APPARENTLY, THE DARKIES HAVE

GOTTEN THEMSELVES SOME LAWYERS."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I LOVE THE DEBATES.

CAN THEY BE MORE MISMATCHED?

THE DEBATES ARE, "ARGUING IN

FAVOR OF STRENGTHENING SANCTIONS

AGAINST NORTH KOREA,

FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE

HENRY KISSINGER.

ARGUING AGAINST,

LORENZO LAMAS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK A LOT OF THE MEDIA

OUTLETS ARE IRRESPONSIBLE.

IT'S ALL SHOCK VALUE.

IT'S ALL RATINGS.

YOU THINK THEY CAN STOP PUTTING

THESE EXPERTS ON THE NEWS WITH

THEIR DOOMSDAY SCENARIOS OF HOW

THE TERRORISTS MIGHT ATTACK US

BECAUSE YOU GET THE SENSE THAT

THEY'RE COMING UP WITH IDEAS

THAT THESE PEOPLE HAVEN'T

THOUGHT OF THEMSELVES.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU KNOW, WOLF,

VERY FEW PEOPLE KNOW THIS,

BUT THERE'S ACTUALLY AN

INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT ATOMIC

SUBSTATION LOCATED RIGHT IN

OCALA, FLORIDA NOW.

IT WOULDN'T BE HARD FOR THEM

TO FIND.

I'LL SHOW YOU RIGHT HERE ON

THE MAP EXACTLY WHERE IT IS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALL IT WOULD TAKE IS A VERY

SMALL EXPLOSIVE CHARGE PLACED

IN THIS EXACT SPOT RIGHT HERE.

I MEAN, EVEN A FIRECRACKER

WOULD DO IT, WOLF, OR A BOTTLE

ROCKET.

I MEAN, THEY CAN SMEAR AN

EGG McMUFFIN RIGHT IN THIS

SPOT AND IT WOULD DO IT.

THERE'S ONLY ONE SECURITY

GUARD THERE.

HIS NAME'S BOB AND HE'S A BIT

OF A BOOZER.

SO IMAGINE THE HAVOC THAT CAN

BE

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