Cold War 2

  • Season 2, Ep 4
  • 10/17/2015

A knight redresses an embarrassing mistake, a couple frets over renting a new apartment, and a grown man lives in his mother's womb.

(man) Now announcingSir Ian of Patrick.

Sir Ian!

Oh, my heart doth smileupon your triumphant return.

My liege,I come bearing splendid news.

The chimera is real?

Oh, very real.

I knew you were the knightfor the quest.

Please, spare no detail.

I did exactly as I was told,Your Majesty.

I entered the ruins.

[gasps]Go on.

- I tracked down my prey.- Go on!

- I removed my armor.- And then?

And then...♪ I [bleep] the chimera

♪ Chicka, chicka, wah, wah

♪ Waka, chicka, chicka--

W-wait!

Did I hear that right?

Let it be knownthat Sir Ian of Patrick, me,

made sweet love-- sex--to the chimera.

All six holes.

[crowd gasps]

Sir Ian,

your quest was to slaythe chimera.

Yes. Lay the chimera.And I-- I did it.

No, no, no, no!

Slay, you blistering idiot!

Slay the evil beast!

I sent you there to kill it!

Are you serious?

Oh, I thought you said,"Lay the chimera."

Lay?Lay the chimera?

What does that even mean?

You said you wanted meto take the chimera down,

so I took the chimera down.

- [laughter]- Silence!

Did you really havecarnal knowledge of the chimera?

How does that even work?

You hold the scorpion t--

No, no, no, no, no, no.I-- I don't want to know.

Go back at once

Go back?

- Like, back, back?- Yes!

You will go back and slaythe vile beast at once

or you will suffer under theyoke for your unnatural deeds.

Your Highness, no!Don't make me go back there.

You will kill it!Not thrill it!

[dramatic music]

You and youand you and you...

you, you, and you.

Ahh!

Oh, just do it!

Just kill me!

I don't have time for this.[bleep] this.

Hey.Where are you going?

Finish what you started!

(Sir Ian)Oh.

- Lovely day.- [grunts]

Yah!

- Ah! Run, Janine!- Oh, no you don't.

[grunts]

Great chimera,

it is I,Sir Ian of Patrick.

[laughs]Oh, my goodness.

Baby, is that you?

Ooh, it's so good to see you--

Silence, beast!

Beast?Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who you calling "beast"?

You wasn't calling me beast whenI had my finger in your ass.

Shh!That was a mistake.

That's all it was.How many have you told of this?

Mistake?Uh-uh.

Boy, you been inside me.

[bleats]

We had a good time,but that's over now.

It's done.

What was all that bullshit aboutmeeting your parents?

I am here to slay you,

to send you backto the bowels of hell

from whence you have come.

Uh--Oh.

I don't let no mantalk to me like this.

You don't walk up in herewith your sword and shield,

acting like you all bad.

- [bleats]- You ain't nothing!

I-it's--it's not--

It's not you, it's me.

Look me in my eye and tell me

you don't want this pussy.

[bleats]

Do it!Tell me.

Say it, and I will let youslay me.

I--I--

I--Ahh.

I did it again.

[coins clink]

[militaristic music]

So I said, "Listen, comrade,

"eat the borsht orput it back in pot.

Don't foot pussyaround it, bro."

Well? Don't keep me onthe edge of my seat, Yuri.

Did he eat the borshtor what?

Of course he no eat borsht.

He is real Yankee jerk-off.

Ugh!I hate those guys.

[phone rings]

All hail the greatand noble Mother Russia

and her virile leader,Vladimir Putin.

This is TripTank.How can I help you?

Yo, yo, TripTank, yo!

Hey, I got to givesome shout-outs.

I want to give some shout-outs.

Shout-out to Pookie,Ray Ray,

Earl, Craig,my mama.

Uh, this is a TV show.We don't really do shout-outs.

(man on phone)Shut your ass up, sir!

I got to give a shout-outto Santa Claus,

the Easter Bunny,unicorns.

Um, again, we don't really--

Sir, if you don't shutyour bitch-ass up

while I do these shout-outs,though!

Uh, okay.

I got to give a shout-outto the bread!

We can't forget about the bread.

Oh, this glazed ham.

Got to give a shout-outto this ham.

Uh, turkey.

Are you justmaking a sandwich now?

(man on phone)Shout-out!

(man)Hmm. wow.

Well, here's the apartment.

Do you meanthe burned out warehouse?

[laughs]No.

That burned out warehouseis way out of your price range.

- This is the apartment.- That's a toilet.

Actually,it's a junior studio

in a very up-and-comingpart of town.

1,400 a month.

But it's a toilet.

Pre-war,original handle.

Right.

Can you excuse usfor just a second?

I don't want to live ina toilet.

I know, but $1,400is a pretty good deal.

Can you tell us a little bitmore about the place?

Like I said,great location,

burned out warehouse adjacent,

beautiful natural lightfrom the fires--

The neighborhood getsa lot of fires.

- Ah!- Wow. See?

Oh--Anything else?

- No pets allowed.- Okay.

- It's a 4 1/2 month lease.- Okay.

The previous tenantwas murdered.

Wait,someone was murdered here?

- What about utilities?- Seriously?

Utilities aren't even includedin the toilet rent?

No.I mean there are no utilities.

That's why the listing said"rustic charm."

It's quaint.

[gasps]The simple life, honey.

But why would we pay $1,400to live in a toilet?

Look,if you're not interested,

I'm sure there are plentyof other people

who would loveto rent the place.

Oh, my God.What a cute junior studio.

I wonder if it's pre-war.

Honey, I think we got tomake a decision quick!

But it's a toilet!

- Honey, honey--- For $1,400 a month!

Honey, honey,give me the checkbook.

It's a toilet!

Is there any wayyou would maybe

come down on price?

No.

In fact, in the time it's takenus to have this conversation,

the rent has gone up by--Whoa! $100!

- $1,500!- Oh, my God, that's--

Look, if we wait any longer,we're gonna lose this.

Please, honey, we gotto jump on this!

Of course, I will need firstmonth, last month, middle month,

and security deposit up front.

Okay.

Plus, the standard broker feeof 23--

I mean, 32%.

- That is 10,000--- Plus gratuity. [coughs]

- Oh, my God--- No, no, no.

- Honey, honey, please.- Okay. Okay. Fine!

Live in a toilet.

[laughing]Okay. Great!

We'll take it! We'll take it!We'll take it!

Fantastic!

Whoa, hold your horses,hotshot.

All renters must be approvedby the co-op board.

[musical flourish]

(men)♪ There once was a baby

♪ Who never left his womb

♪ Now he's 34and not going anywhere soon ♪

♪ It's Ma and Frankie

That's me.[chuckles]

Let's get a cat, Frankie.

Cats are gay, Ma.

I want a cobra.

A what?No, no, no.

We're not getting a cob--[belches]

Did you shave,like I asked you?

- Yeah.- Frankie, don't lie to me.

I'm not lying.

Don't try and pull a fast onein my stomach.

I only get heartburnwhen you're growing a beard.

So you believe your stomachover your own son?

No.

Now, be careful.Don't cut yourself.

And make sure you get it all.

Come on, it makes melook like an action star.

You don't need a beard to looklike an action star, my boy.

Now shave it.

- Ma.- My womb, my rules.

You know, I'm getting tiredof all your rules.

Yeah, well, find a new placeto live,

then you can growall the beards you want.

What'd you just say, Ma?

- Nothing.- I heard you.

You said I should findsomewhere else to live.

No, I didn't.

Swear on Grandpa's grave!

I didn't mean it, Frankie.

Yes, you did.Fine, I'll move out.

No, don't!Don't leave.

Frankie!

Frankie?

I didn't mean it either, Ma.I love it in here.

You can stayas long as you want.

Thanks, Ma.

Shave the whole damn thing,Frankie.

Ah, crap, Ma!Can't I keep the 'stache?

Frankie!

Fine.

(Frankie)I need more shaving cream.

(men)♪ It's Ma and Frankie