All Over the Map

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 11/16/2014

Jeff Dunham performs stand-up across five continents, accompanied by Achmed the Dead Terrorist, Peanut, Jose Jalapeno, Bubba J and Walter.

-It took place in London.

-Oh yeah, OK.

Yeah.

You know, I datedher for a while.

-You dated Mary Poppins?

-Yes, I did.

-No.

-Yeah, I did.

We were very young.

-Oh really?

-I was the first guy to getinto her chim chim cher-ee.

[laughter]

Kinda ruined things whenin the moment of passion

she started screamingsome weird word.

It was like superCalifornia refrigerator

x the delicious lotion.

Something like that.

-Uh, I love this countrybecause just about everything

Did you know thatpeople in Scotland

by 40 bottles ofwhiskey every second?

-This is my favoritecountry ever.

Do they NASCAR in the uck?

-In the what?

-In the uck?

-The-- oh, UK.

-Oh, you can spell.

-But Glasgow is, uh-- you toldme it was confusing for you?

-Yeah, it is.

-Why?

-Yesterday at lunchmy waitress asked me

if I wanted sometatties and neeps.

[laughter]

When I said yes, insteadof taking off her top,

she brought me food.

[laughter]

[applause]

It was the worst stripclub I'd ever been to.

-Tatties and neeps areserved with haggis.

-Well, he didn'tshow me that either.

-We've been talkingabout Scotland a bit.

-We have.

-You know where we are?

-Well, we have going so manyplaces I have lost track.

And, uh, we-- uh.

What's with all the Jews?

-We're in Israel.

-That's so funny.

Yeah, OK.

Israel.

Yeah, that's really funny.

We're in-- what?

-We're in Tel Aviv.

[whimper]

-As in Israeli Army?

[laughter]

Holy crap.

Well, I'm already dead.

What the hell?

[applause]

-Achmed, trust me.