TODAY, AND THIS LITTLE KID WAS

JUST FOLLOWING HIS MOTHER AROUND

JUST GOING, "MA, MA, MA, MA!

HEY, MA, MA...

I KNOW YOU HEAR ME.

HEY, MA, MA, MA..."

AND THE MOTHER, SHE'S JUST KEPT

WALKING AROUND.

I'M LIKE, "HOW CAN SHE DO THAT?"

'CAUSE WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID

MY MOTHER AIN'T PLAY THAT.

MY MOTHER WILL PLAY DEAD ON ME.

I MEAN, I WALK BEHIND HER,

"HEY, MA, MA, MA..."

IT WOULD JUST GET ON HER NERVES.

SHE WOULD GO, "OH, JUST TAKE ME

NOW, JESUS!"

AND SHE WOULD FALL OUT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT THAT'D BE GOOD, THOUGH,

IF YOU COULD ACTUALLY DO THAT AS

AN ADULT.

YOU GO TO WORK YOUR BOSS ALL IN

YOUR ASS.

YOU KNOW, "YOUR 15 MINUTES LATE.

WHERE'S THAT REPORT!"

"OH, JUST TAKE ME NOW!"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I WENT TO UTAH EARLIER THIS

YEAR, SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH

TO SEE THE OLYMPICS.

I DON'T KNOW IF ANY OF Y'ALL

HAVE BEEN OUT THERE, UTAH?

BEEN THERE, YEAH.

UTAH APPARENTLY IS THE INDIAN

WORD FOR "AIN'T NO NIGGER'S

NOWHERE AROUND HERE,"

'CAUSE THERE AIN'T NO BLACK

FOLKS NOWHERE IN UTAH.

THEY AIN'T NEVER SEEN NONE.

THEY WAS BACKING INTO POLES,

RUNNING INTO STUFF.

LITTLE KIDS WAS POINTING AT ME

OUT THE WINDOW LIKE "MOMMY,

SASQUATCH RIGHT THERE!"

THAT'S MY CURSE, TOO, YOU KNOW,

LIKE I'M A BIG, YOU KNOW,

BLACK THUG, MEAN-LOOKING DUDE.

YOU KNOW, I'M FOR REAL.

IT MESSED UP MY WHOLE LIFE.

I CAN'T NORMAL STUFF, LIKE I

CAN'T RIDE IN THE ELEVATOR WITH

LIKE A LITTLE WHITE LADY.

I MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVEMENT,

SHE GOES SCREAMING AND PRESSING

THE RED BUTTON, LIKE "OH,

HE ABOUT TO ROB ME!"

WHICH ALWAYS SCARES THE HELL OUT

OF ME.

NOW I'M IN THE ELEVATOR LIKE A

DAMN MINSTREL TRYING TO CALM HER

DOWN.

"OH, NO, MISS LADY, MA'AM,

I JUST WANTS TO DO MY DANCE FOR

YOU.

♪ OH, WE WAS FIGHTING

♪ AND A PICKING AND A SKINNING

♪ AND A GRINNING

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I GOT THAT LOOK, TOO.

I GOT THAT WHOLE THUG, GANGSTER,

RAP, YOU KNOW, HIP-HOP, BAGGY

PANTS THING GOING ON.

AND I REALLY DON'T WANT THE

BAGGY PANTS.

I JUST CAN'T FIND NO DAMN PANTS

THAT FIT ME.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHO CAME UP WITH

THIS WHOLE BAGGY, OVERSIZED

CLOTHES THINGS.

I MEAN, AS SOON AS IT GOT HOT

I WENT TO GET SOME SHORTS.

THE DAMN THINGS CAME ALL THE WAY

DOWN TO MY SHINS.

I'M LIKE A GROWN MAN WITH

CAPRI PANTS ON NOW.

(APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

I AIN'T A BLACK DUDE.

I AIN'T.

I AIN'T A BROTHER.

I'M NOT ONE Y'ALL ARE USED TO.

I GREW UP RICH.

YEAH, BOTH MY PARENTS WERE

DOCTORS.

WE WERE LOADED.

YEAH, I DON'T NOTHING ABOUT THIS

STRUGGLE.

I AIN'T NEVER HAD TO KEEP IT

REAL.

I AIN'T NEVER HAD NO PROBLEMS

I NEED TO RAP ABOUT.

WHEN WE HAD PROBLEMS, WE HAD A

POND IN THE BACKYARD.

I USED TO GO IN THE BACK

AND REFLECT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

MY LIFE WAS DIFFERENT.

IT WAS DIFFERENT.

JUST DID NOT APPLY TO ME.

THE ONLY APPLIES TO ME IS WHEN

PEOPLE THAT REALLY HURTS ME

FEELINGS IS WHEN THEY SAY I'M

FAT.

THAT'S IT.

AND-- WELL, I AM.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

AND I'M GONNA TELL YOU

SOMETHING.

I HAVE DEALT WITH IT.

I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING TO GET

BETTER.

I'M NOT WORKING OUT.

I'M NOT LIFTING NO WEIGHTS.

I'M NOT DOING TAI-BOE.

IT'S OVER WITH.

I'M IN SHAPE.

I'VE GOTTA SHAPE.

IT'S ROUND.

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT.

'CAUSE I CAN'T GET ONE,

BECAUSE I'M-- YOU KNOW.

IT AIN'T 'CAUSE--

IT'S JUST I CAN'T GET THROUGH

THE BEGINNING OF RELATIONSHIPS,

THE PART WHERE YOU ACTUALLY HAVE

TO ACT LIKE YOU LIKE SOMEBODY.

YOU KNOW THE PART WHERE IT'S

"I LOVE YOU.

YOU LOVE ME.

WE LOVE EACH OTHER."

"NO!"

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE THAT'S THE PART WHERE YOU

END UP DOING THINGS WITH WOMEN

YOU'VE NEVER HAD ANY INTENTIONS

ON DOING IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

YOU GET IN THE SHOWER; THEY GET

IN THE SHOWER WITH YOU.

WOMEN, HERE'S A LITTLE ADVICE ON

THE GETTING IN THE SHOWER WITH

MEN.

"NO, NO, NO!"

YOU KNOW WHY WE HATE IT"

'CAUSE WE'LL NEVER GET WET.

'CAUSE WE END UP IN THE BACK OF

THE SHOWER WHY Y'ALL UP UNDER

THE HOT WATER.

WE'RE IN THE BACK PUTTING

DRY SOAP ON.

NOW WE'RE ITCHING ALL DAY.

THEN WHEN WE GET UP UNDER THE

WATER, YOU LIKE "IT'S COLD."

WELL, HOW THE HELL YOU THINK

I FELT BACK THERE?"

AND THEN ALL YOU DO IS SPEND

YOUR WHOLE TIME IN THE BACK OF

THE SHOWER DANCING AROUND HER

AND THE ONLY THING GETTING WET

IS YOUR FEET.

AND SHE HAS THE NERVE TO SAY,

"WOULD YOU DO YOUR BACK?"

"I CAN'T EVEN GET MY FRONT!"

AND NOW YOU DODGING THE SHAMPOO

AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES,

WHICH FELL IN THE TUB.

NOW YOU RIVER DANCING IN THE

TUB.

(LAUGHTER)

I HATE THAT.

I'M NOT A BIG, POLITICAL GUY.

I'M NOT A BIG, POLITICAL GUY.

I JUST--

YOU KNOW, I SEE THAT WHOLE

MIDDLE EASTERN SITUATION IN

ONE WAY.

LET ME PUT IT LIKE THIS.

FIRST, LET ME SAY A DISCLAIMER.

I DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO GET

UPSET AT ME.

JEWISH PEOPLE, I--

HEY, I'M A NICE GUY.

I LIKE Y'ALL.

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST

YOU.

BUT I LOOK AT IT LIKE ISRAEL

BEEN A COUNTRY 50 YEARS, RIGHT?

50?

YOU THINK THEY COULD HAVE PICKED

A BETTER PLACE TO PUT THEIR

COUNTRY.

NOT RIGHT SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF

30 MUSLIM COUNTRIES.

THAT'S LIKE ME GOING TO A

KLU KLUX KLAN MEETING AND

GETTING MAD ABOUT:

"Y'ALL AIN'T GOT NO FRUIT PUNCH

IN HERE?

AND WHY EVERYBODY IN HERE GOT ON

SHEETS BUT ME?

WHAT'S THE NAME OF THIS CLUB,

'THE BURNING CROSS'?

I AIN'T NEVER COMING BACK HERE?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THERE'S SOME REAL, UNDERLYING

RACIST THINGS GOING ON AROUND

HERE.

I JUST CAN'T PUT MY FINGER ON

IT."

(LAUGHTER)

I'M TODD LYNN, Y'ALL.

WOW, I HAVE TO SAY I AM VERY

EXCITED TO BE HERE.

I DON'T ALWAYS GET TO WORK

PLACES THAT ARE THIS NICE.

I JUST DID A SHOW AT A COUNTRY

AND WESTERN BAR.

AND THIS IS TRUE.

I'D BEEN ON STAGE LIKE A MINUTE

AND A HALF WHEN I HEARD,

"NEVER COME HERE AGAIN."

AND I THOUGHT, "OH, MY GOD,

DID I JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD?"

(LAUGHTER)

SO, BEFORE THAT I WAS IN

KENTUCKY WORKING WHERE I DID

TWO SHOWS AT A WOMEN'S PRISON,

AND I'M NOT SURE, BUT I THINK

I MIGHT BE MARRIED.

HERE'S AN INTERESTING LITTLE

FACT I LEARNED WHILE I WAS IN

KENTUCKY.

IN THE TOWN OF MIDDLESBORO,

KENTUCKY, THE LEADER OF THE KLAN

IN THAT TOWN, HIS NAME IS

JERRY BERRY.

YES, HE'S JERRY BERRY.

SERIOUSLY, HOW POWERFUL CAN YOU

POSSIBLY BE WHEN YOU HAVE THE

SAME NAME AS AN OTTER PUP.

I HAVE TO BE HONEST, THOUGH.

I'M A LITTLE BIT JEALOUS OF

JERRY BERRY.

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE YOU KNOW NOBODY EVER

MESSES HIS NAME UP.

UNLIKE ME WHO FOR SOME REASON

NOBODY EVER GETS MY NAME RIGHT.

IT'S VERY EASY.

BUT I CAN LOOK RIGHT AT SOMEONE

AND GO, "HI, I'M BECKY."

"WELL, HOW YOU DOIN', BETTY."

LIKE "NO, IT'S BECKY."

"I'M SORRY, DEBBIE."

(LAUGHTER)

SO, I RECENTLY DID A LITTLE

U.S.O. TOUR.

A LITTLE U.S.O. TOUR.

I WENT OVERSEAS AND DID SHOWS

FOR THE MILITARY, AND IT WAS MY

FIRST TIME TO EVER BE OUT OF THE

COUNTRY.

I'D NEVER GONE BEFORE.

AND I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS,

BUT I'VE ALWAYS TRIED TO BE A

GOOD AMERICAN CITIZEN.

SO, I HAVE MADE IT A POINT TO

NOT LEARN ANY OTHER LANGUAGE

BUT ENGLISH.

AND-- YES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALSO, I WAS IN ITALY.

THIS IS INTERESTING AND AN

IMPORTANT FACT THAT YOU SHOULD

KNOW ABOUT ITALY.

THOSE ARE THE PUSHIEST PEOPLE

YOU'LL EVER MEET IN YOUR WHOLE

LIFE.

PHYSICALLY PUSHY.

THEY WILL KNOCK YOU TO THE

GROUND.

YEAH, LET ME TELL YOU THIS.

WALKING IN ROME IS LIKE BOARDING

A FLIGHT ON SOUTHWEST.

MY MOM GOT REALLY SCARED, TOO,

WHEN I WENT TO ITALY.

MY MOTHER ACTUALLY CALLED ME AND

SAID THIS TO ME, SHE GOES,

"NOW, BETTY, YOU LISTEN TO ME."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND WHISTLES)

SHE SAID, "WHEN YOU GO TO THAT

COUNTRY, YOU DON'T GO ANYWHERE

BY YOURSELF BECAUSE IN ITALY,

KIDNAPPING IS THE SECOND GROSS

NATIONAL PRODUCT."

SHE REALLY SAID THAT.

I SAID, "OH, YEAH, WHAT'S THE

FIRST?"

AND SHE GOES, "OLIVES."

"WELL, ALL RIGHT, MOM, WHY DON'T

YOU GO AHEAD AND TAKE THAT

LITTLE PINK PILL NOW AND GO LAY

ON THE COUCH?"

SO, I JUST GOT BACK, I WENT ON A

LITTLE RAFTING TRIP, WHITEWATER

RAFTING.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER DONE

THAT.

IT'S HORRIBLE.

YEAH, IT'S TERRIFYING.

IT WAS JUST A HORRIBLE THING.

ME AND MY BOYFRIEND AND HIS DAD

WENT.

AND HIS DAD'S LIKE 90.

HEY, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

HE CAN BARELY FUNCTION ON

DRY LAND, SO, LET'S PUT HIM IN A

LITTLE, RUBBER BOAT AND WATCH

HIM SMASH INTO ROCKS.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, NOT ONLY WAS JUST THE TRIP

ITSELF LIKE THE RAFTING IS SCARY

BUT IT WAS JUST HORRIBLE.

MY BOYFRIEND'S REALLY BOSSY.

AND THE WHOLE TIME HE'S IN THE

BACK OF THE RAFT GOING, "STROKE.

STROKE."

AND I'M SCREAMING, "I AM!"

"NO, MY DAD IS HAVING A STROKE!"

THAT'S IT FOR ME, YOU GUYS.

MY FATHER'S A PALESTINIAN.

MY MOTHER'S A MORMON.

I'M A PALESTINIAN/MORMON.

WHERE'S MY PEOPLE?

WHERE ARE YOU?

YEAH?

GOOD TURN OUT.

NOT BAD.

I DON'T KNOW, MAN, PROBLEMS IN

THE MIDDLE EAST.

PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS.

LIKE BABIES FIGHTING OVER

ONE TOY.

YOU KNOW IF YOU GIVE TWO BABIES

ONE TOY, THEY'LL FIGHT OVER IT.

"QUIT TOUCHING MY HOLY LAND!"

"YOU QUIT TOUCHING IT!"

"IT'S MINE!"

QUIT FIGHTING OVER IT.

LET'S LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH

THE FACT THAT WE HAVE TO LIVE

TOGETHER, SIMPLE AS THAT.

EVERYBODY'S GOD'S CHOSEN PEOPLE.

THE JEWS ARE THE CHOSEN PEOPLE.

THE MUSLIMS ARE THE CHOSEN

PEOPLE.

MEANWHILE, THE CHINESE ARE IN

THE YEAR 6000.

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS OVER IN THE MIDDLE EAST IN

NOVEMBER AND I'M HANGING OUT

WITH A COUSIN AND HE'S DRIVING

US AROUND SHOWING US THE CITY

AND CAIRO AND YOU KNOW, ARABS

ARE ALL ANTI-AMERICAN RIGHT NOW

BASICALLY.

AND I WITNESSED IT FIRSTHAND.

I'M OVER THERE AND I'M DRIVING

AROUND WITH HIM, AND HE'S JUST

LIKE "BELIEVE ME, COUSIN,

AMERICA, AMERICA, VERY BAD,

VERY BAD.

THEY WEAK, VERY WEAK.

WEAK AND YOU KNOW AMERICA,

THEY THINK THEY OWN EVERYTHING.

I MEAN, LET'S COME ON.

THEY WILL FALL.

AMERICA JUST A PAPER TIGER.

THEY WILL FOLD.

YEAH.

YEAH, YOU HUNGRY?

YOU WANT SOMETHING TO EAT?

WE HAVE MCDONALD'S, BURGER KING,

PIZZA HUT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH, WE GOT APPLEBY'S.

YOU LIKE APPLEBY'S?

OKAY, WE GOT T.A.I. FRIDAY'S.

YOU LIKE THAT?"

(LAUGHTER)

"T-- WHAT?

T.A.I.--"

"'THANK ALLAH IT'S FRIDAY'.

IT'S GOOD.

IT'S REALLY, REALLY GOOD."

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

LET'S GIVE ARABS CREDIT FOR

ONE THING AT LEAST, YEAH?

ARABIC NUMERALS.

WHERE WOULD BE WITHOUT ARABIC

NUMERALS.

ROMAN NUMERALS?

NO.

PRINCE IS NOT GONNA WRITE A SONG

CALLED: "WE'RE GONNA PARTY DOWN

LIKE IT'S MCMDXXVII."

YOU CAN'T DANCE TO THAT.

I DON'T REMEMBER THEM TEACHING

ROMAN NUMERALS IN SCHOOL.

I WAS JUST SLEEPING DURING

THAT PART, I GUESS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

DID YOU GUYS LEARN 'EM?

I'M MUST HAVE BEEN SLEEPING

'CAUSE I WAS ALWAYS SMOKING

GRASS IN SCHOOL, TOO LAZY

TO DROP OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

INCIDENTALLY...

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

'CAUSE IF I DROP OUT OF SCHOOL,

WHERE AM I GONNA FIND DRUGS?

SCHOOLS ARE FULL OF DRUGS, MAN.

IT'S TRUE.

YOU CAN SAY DRUGS KEPT ME IN

SCHOOL.

(LAUGHTER)

I WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE.

I KNOW WHERE THE KID'S LOCKER

IS, YOU KNOW.

I'M NOT GONNA FACE THE MARKET

ON THE STREET.

THERE'S NO CUSTOMER SERVICE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DIDN'T STAY THERE TO MUSCLE

THROUGH HEMINGWAY.

THEY TRY TO FORCE YOU TO READ

HEMINGWAY.

BORING, SLOW.

DETAILS; DETAILS; DETAILS.

YOU EVER READ IT?

"OLD MAN & THE SEA."

HOW ABOUT THE OLD MAN IN THE

BOOK?

WHERE YOU GOING?

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

IT'S JUST STEP BY--

HE NEVER GETS A STEP.

GO!

"HE DROVE HIS CAR UP A

SHADY HILL AND PARKED.

THE WIND WAS LAYING THROUGH THE

EMERALD TREES, THE LONG GREEN

GRASS.

HE USED THE HANDLE ON THE DOOR

TO OPEN THE DOOR."

(LAUGHTER)

TWO CHAPTERS IN, I FEEL LIKE

WRAPPING MY LIPS AROUND THE END

OF A SHOTGUN.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT, MY NAME'S ARON.

BUT I'M ALL RIGHT WITH IT,

'CAUSE WE WEREN'T A GOOD MATCH,

YOU KNOW.

I'M A GEMINI.

SHE WAS A WHORE?

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S RIGHT.

YEAH.

I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY TO DATE

RIGHT NOW ANYWAY.

IT SUCKS TO BE POOR WHEN YOU'RE

A WHITE MALE ESPECIALLY,

I NOTICED, 'CAUSE YOU GOT NO ONE

TO BLAME, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

CLEARLY IT'S MY FAULT THAT THIS

HAPPENED.

I SLEEP ON A PULLOUT COUCH.

THAT'S MY BED.

IT'S EMBARRASSING.

YOU TRY TO BRING A GIRL OVER.

YOU WINE AND DINE HER.

"WANT SOME CANDLES, BABY?"

"ALL RIGHT, SOME CANDLES.

"WANT SOME MUSIC?"

"ALL RIGHT."

"YOU KNOW I THINK YOU'RE REAL

SPECIAL.

MAYBE TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT

OR WE COULD, UM...

CAN YOU GET UP A SEC?"

"YEAH."

(SQUEAKING SOUNDS)

(LAUGHTER)

"YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT?"

YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

YEAH.

YEAH.

I NEED A COOLER JOB.

I WANT TO BE LIKE A FIREMAN.

GIRLS LOVE FIREMEN.

YOU KNOW?

YOU GOT TO BE REALLY BRAVE TO DO

THAT.

I'M TOO MUCH OF A WHOOS I THINK,

'CAUSE THEY BREAK INTO BUILDINGS

LIKE "ME FIRST!"

I'D BE LIKE "I'LL CHECK THE

HOSE.

YOU GUYS GO IN.

I'M GONNA CHECK THE--"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"IT'S AWFUL SMOKY IN THERE.

YOU PROBABLY SHOULD LET IT BURN

ITSELF OUT.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

"I'M GONNA GET A FRESCA.

DO YOU GUYS--

DOES ANYBODY-- NO?"

I DON'T KNOW.

A LITTLE BIT OF A WHOOS.

IT'S DANGEROUS WHEN YOU HAVE A

GIRL, TOO, 'CAUSE THAT'S A

LIABILITY.

THIS IS SOMETHING I LEARNED

THE HARD WAY.

LIKE IF YOU'RE OUT WITH A WOMAN

AND SHE GETS PHYSICALLY

THREATENED BY A GUY, YOU HAVE

TO FIGHT THAT GUY EVEN IF YOUR

WOMAN HAS A BETTER CHANCE OF

WINNING.

IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER.

I WAS IN A BAR WITH THIS GIRL,

AND THIS GUY STARTED BLOWING

SMOKE IN OUR DIRECTION WHICH

I HATE, BUT HE WAS REALLY,

REALLY BIG.

SO I THOUGHT, "HEY, WHAT'S

CANCER?

YOU KNOW?

LET'S NOT MAKE A BIG TO-DO."

BUT THIS GIRL I WAS WITH GOES

OVER TO PICK A FIGHT, 'CAUSE SHE

KNEW HE'S NOT GONNA KICK HER

ASS.

HE'S GONNA KICK MY ASS.

SO SHE GOES OVER THERE ALL COCKY

LIKE "HA-HA-HA-HA.

HEY, ASS(BLEEP)...

(LAUGHTER)

WHY DON'T YOU BLOW THAT

SOMEWHERE ELSE, OH, MY GOD."

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

AND HE WAS LIKE "PHEW, WHATEVER,

WHORE."

AND I WAS LIKE "OH, MY GOD,

I LOVE THIS SONG."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'VE BEEN TAKING THIS

SELF-DEFENSE CLASS NOW,

SO I COULD PROTECT A LADY.

IT'S ACTUALLY NOT A SELF-DEFENSE

CLASS PER Sé.

IT'S A RAPE PREVENTION CLASS

THAT I'M IN.

IT WAS CHEAPER AND I THOUGHT

YOU KNOW.

(APPLAUSE)

YEAH...

AS LONG AS I'M SAFE.

SO, IF THAT GUY CAME UP TO ME

AGAIN AND WAS LIKE "YOU WANNA

DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?"

I'D JUST BE LIKE "NO!

NO!

NO!"

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)