TODAY, AND THIS LITTLE KID WAS
JUST FOLLOWING HIS MOTHER AROUND
JUST GOING, "MA, MA, MA, MA!
HEY, MA, MA...
I KNOW YOU HEAR ME.
HEY, MA, MA, MA..."
AND THE MOTHER, SHE'S JUST KEPT
WALKING AROUND.
I'M LIKE, "HOW CAN SHE DO THAT?"
'CAUSE WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID
MY MOTHER AIN'T PLAY THAT.
MY MOTHER WILL PLAY DEAD ON ME.
I MEAN, I WALK BEHIND HER,
"HEY, MA, MA, MA..."
IT WOULD JUST GET ON HER NERVES.
SHE WOULD GO, "OH, JUST TAKE ME
NOW, JESUS!"
AND SHE WOULD FALL OUT.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
BUT THAT'D BE GOOD, THOUGH,
IF YOU COULD ACTUALLY DO THAT AS
AN ADULT.
YOU GO TO WORK YOUR BOSS ALL IN
YOUR ASS.
YOU KNOW, "YOUR 15 MINUTES LATE.
WHERE'S THAT REPORT!"
"OH, JUST TAKE ME NOW!"
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I WENT TO UTAH EARLIER THIS
YEAR, SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH
TO SEE THE OLYMPICS.
I DON'T KNOW IF ANY OF Y'ALL
HAVE BEEN OUT THERE, UTAH?
BEEN THERE, YEAH.
UTAH APPARENTLY IS THE INDIAN
WORD FOR "AIN'T NO NIGGER'S
NOWHERE AROUND HERE,"
'CAUSE THERE AIN'T NO BLACK
FOLKS NOWHERE IN UTAH.
THEY AIN'T NEVER SEEN NONE.
THEY WAS BACKING INTO POLES,
RUNNING INTO STUFF.
LITTLE KIDS WAS POINTING AT ME
OUT THE WINDOW LIKE "MOMMY,
SASQUATCH RIGHT THERE!"
THAT'S MY CURSE, TOO, YOU KNOW,
LIKE I'M A BIG, YOU KNOW,
BLACK THUG, MEAN-LOOKING DUDE.
YOU KNOW, I'M FOR REAL.
IT MESSED UP MY WHOLE LIFE.
I CAN'T NORMAL STUFF, LIKE I
CAN'T RIDE IN THE ELEVATOR WITH
LIKE A LITTLE WHITE LADY.
I MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVEMENT,
SHE GOES SCREAMING AND PRESSING
THE RED BUTTON, LIKE "OH,
HE ABOUT TO ROB ME!"
WHICH ALWAYS SCARES THE HELL OUT
OF ME.
NOW I'M IN THE ELEVATOR LIKE A
DAMN MINSTREL TRYING TO CALM HER
DOWN.
"OH, NO, MISS LADY, MA'AM,
I JUST WANTS TO DO MY DANCE FOR
YOU.
♪ OH, WE WAS FIGHTING
♪ AND A PICKING AND A SKINNING
♪ AND A GRINNING
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I GOT THAT LOOK, TOO.
I GOT THAT WHOLE THUG, GANGSTER,
RAP, YOU KNOW, HIP-HOP, BAGGY
PANTS THING GOING ON.
AND I REALLY DON'T WANT THE
BAGGY PANTS.
I JUST CAN'T FIND NO DAMN PANTS
THAT FIT ME.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHO CAME UP WITH
THIS WHOLE BAGGY, OVERSIZED
CLOTHES THINGS.
I MEAN, AS SOON AS IT GOT HOT
I WENT TO GET SOME SHORTS.
THE DAMN THINGS CAME ALL THE WAY
DOWN TO MY SHINS.
I'M LIKE A GROWN MAN WITH
CAPRI PANTS ON NOW.
(APPLAUSE)
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?
I AIN'T A BLACK DUDE.
I AIN'T.
I AIN'T A BROTHER.
I'M NOT ONE Y'ALL ARE USED TO.
I GREW UP RICH.
YEAH, BOTH MY PARENTS WERE
DOCTORS.
WE WERE LOADED.
YEAH, I DON'T NOTHING ABOUT THIS
STRUGGLE.
I AIN'T NEVER HAD TO KEEP IT
REAL.
I AIN'T NEVER HAD NO PROBLEMS
I NEED TO RAP ABOUT.
WHEN WE HAD PROBLEMS, WE HAD A
POND IN THE BACKYARD.
I USED TO GO IN THE BACK
AND REFLECT.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
MY LIFE WAS DIFFERENT.
IT WAS DIFFERENT.
JUST DID NOT APPLY TO ME.
THE ONLY APPLIES TO ME IS WHEN
PEOPLE THAT REALLY HURTS ME
FEELINGS IS WHEN THEY SAY I'M
FAT.
THAT'S IT.
AND-- WELL, I AM.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
AND I'M GONNA TELL YOU
SOMETHING.
I HAVE DEALT WITH IT.
I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING TO GET
BETTER.
I'M NOT WORKING OUT.
I'M NOT LIFTING NO WEIGHTS.
I'M NOT DOING TAI-BOE.
IT'S OVER WITH.
I'M IN SHAPE.
I'VE GOTTA SHAPE.
IT'S ROUND.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT.
'CAUSE I CAN'T GET ONE,
BECAUSE I'M-- YOU KNOW.
IT AIN'T 'CAUSE--
IT'S JUST I CAN'T GET THROUGH
THE BEGINNING OF RELATIONSHIPS,
THE PART WHERE YOU ACTUALLY HAVE
TO ACT LIKE YOU LIKE SOMEBODY.
YOU KNOW THE PART WHERE IT'S
"I LOVE YOU.
YOU LOVE ME.
WE LOVE EACH OTHER."
"NO!"
YOU KNOW WHY?
'CAUSE THAT'S THE PART WHERE YOU
END UP DOING THINGS WITH WOMEN
YOU'VE NEVER HAD ANY INTENTIONS
ON DOING IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
YOU GET IN THE SHOWER; THEY GET
IN THE SHOWER WITH YOU.
WOMEN, HERE'S A LITTLE ADVICE ON
THE GETTING IN THE SHOWER WITH
MEN.
"NO, NO, NO!"
YOU KNOW WHY WE HATE IT"
'CAUSE WE'LL NEVER GET WET.
'CAUSE WE END UP IN THE BACK OF
THE SHOWER WHY Y'ALL UP UNDER
THE HOT WATER.
WE'RE IN THE BACK PUTTING
DRY SOAP ON.
NOW WE'RE ITCHING ALL DAY.
THEN WHEN WE GET UP UNDER THE
WATER, YOU LIKE "IT'S COLD."
WELL, HOW THE HELL YOU THINK
I FELT BACK THERE?"
AND THEN ALL YOU DO IS SPEND
YOUR WHOLE TIME IN THE BACK OF
THE SHOWER DANCING AROUND HER
AND THE ONLY THING GETTING WET
IS YOUR FEET.
AND SHE HAS THE NERVE TO SAY,
"WOULD YOU DO YOUR BACK?"
"I CAN'T EVEN GET MY FRONT!"
AND NOW YOU DODGING THE SHAMPOO
AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES,
WHICH FELL IN THE TUB.
NOW YOU RIVER DANCING IN THE
TUB.
(LAUGHTER)
I HATE THAT.
I'M NOT A BIG, POLITICAL GUY.
I'M NOT A BIG, POLITICAL GUY.
I JUST--
YOU KNOW, I SEE THAT WHOLE
MIDDLE EASTERN SITUATION IN
ONE WAY.
LET ME PUT IT LIKE THIS.
FIRST, LET ME SAY A DISCLAIMER.
I DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO GET
UPSET AT ME.
JEWISH PEOPLE, I--
HEY, I'M A NICE GUY.
I LIKE Y'ALL.
I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST
YOU.
BUT I LOOK AT IT LIKE ISRAEL
BEEN A COUNTRY 50 YEARS, RIGHT?
50?
YOU THINK THEY COULD HAVE PICKED
A BETTER PLACE TO PUT THEIR
COUNTRY.
NOT RIGHT SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF
30 MUSLIM COUNTRIES.
THAT'S LIKE ME GOING TO A
KLU KLUX KLAN MEETING AND
GETTING MAD ABOUT:
"Y'ALL AIN'T GOT NO FRUIT PUNCH
IN HERE?
AND WHY EVERYBODY IN HERE GOT ON
SHEETS BUT ME?
WHAT'S THE NAME OF THIS CLUB,
'THE BURNING CROSS'?
I AIN'T NEVER COMING BACK HERE?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THERE'S SOME REAL, UNDERLYING
RACIST THINGS GOING ON AROUND
HERE.
I JUST CAN'T PUT MY FINGER ON
IT."
(LAUGHTER)
I'M TODD LYNN, Y'ALL.
WOW, I HAVE TO SAY I AM VERY
EXCITED TO BE HERE.
I DON'T ALWAYS GET TO WORK
PLACES THAT ARE THIS NICE.
I JUST DID A SHOW AT A COUNTRY
AND WESTERN BAR.
AND THIS IS TRUE.
I'D BEEN ON STAGE LIKE A MINUTE
AND A HALF WHEN I HEARD,
"NEVER COME HERE AGAIN."
AND I THOUGHT, "OH, MY GOD,
DID I JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD?"
(LAUGHTER)
SO, BEFORE THAT I WAS IN
KENTUCKY WORKING WHERE I DID
TWO SHOWS AT A WOMEN'S PRISON,
AND I'M NOT SURE, BUT I THINK
I MIGHT BE MARRIED.
HERE'S AN INTERESTING LITTLE
FACT I LEARNED WHILE I WAS IN
KENTUCKY.
IN THE TOWN OF MIDDLESBORO,
KENTUCKY, THE LEADER OF THE KLAN
IN THAT TOWN, HIS NAME IS
JERRY BERRY.
YES, HE'S JERRY BERRY.
SERIOUSLY, HOW POWERFUL CAN YOU
POSSIBLY BE WHEN YOU HAVE THE
SAME NAME AS AN OTTER PUP.
I HAVE TO BE HONEST, THOUGH.
I'M A LITTLE BIT JEALOUS OF
JERRY BERRY.
YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE YOU KNOW NOBODY EVER
MESSES HIS NAME UP.
UNLIKE ME WHO FOR SOME REASON
NOBODY EVER GETS MY NAME RIGHT.
IT'S VERY EASY.
BUT I CAN LOOK RIGHT AT SOMEONE
AND GO, "HI, I'M BECKY."
"WELL, HOW YOU DOIN', BETTY."
LIKE "NO, IT'S BECKY."
"I'M SORRY, DEBBIE."
(LAUGHTER)
SO, I RECENTLY DID A LITTLE
U.S.O. TOUR.
A LITTLE U.S.O. TOUR.
I WENT OVERSEAS AND DID SHOWS
FOR THE MILITARY, AND IT WAS MY
FIRST TIME TO EVER BE OUT OF THE
COUNTRY.
I'D NEVER GONE BEFORE.
AND I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS,
BUT I'VE ALWAYS TRIED TO BE A
GOOD AMERICAN CITIZEN.
SO, I HAVE MADE IT A POINT TO
NOT LEARN ANY OTHER LANGUAGE
BUT ENGLISH.
AND-- YES.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
ALSO, I WAS IN ITALY.
THIS IS INTERESTING AND AN
IMPORTANT FACT THAT YOU SHOULD
KNOW ABOUT ITALY.
THOSE ARE THE PUSHIEST PEOPLE
YOU'LL EVER MEET IN YOUR WHOLE
LIFE.
PHYSICALLY PUSHY.
THEY WILL KNOCK YOU TO THE
GROUND.
YEAH, LET ME TELL YOU THIS.
WALKING IN ROME IS LIKE BOARDING
A FLIGHT ON SOUTHWEST.
MY MOM GOT REALLY SCARED, TOO,
WHEN I WENT TO ITALY.
MY MOTHER ACTUALLY CALLED ME AND
SAID THIS TO ME, SHE GOES,
"NOW, BETTY, YOU LISTEN TO ME."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS AND WHISTLES)
SHE SAID, "WHEN YOU GO TO THAT
COUNTRY, YOU DON'T GO ANYWHERE
BY YOURSELF BECAUSE IN ITALY,
KIDNAPPING IS THE SECOND GROSS
NATIONAL PRODUCT."
SHE REALLY SAID THAT.
I SAID, "OH, YEAH, WHAT'S THE
FIRST?"
AND SHE GOES, "OLIVES."
"WELL, ALL RIGHT, MOM, WHY DON'T
YOU GO AHEAD AND TAKE THAT
LITTLE PINK PILL NOW AND GO LAY
ON THE COUCH?"
SO, I JUST GOT BACK, I WENT ON A
LITTLE RAFTING TRIP, WHITEWATER
RAFTING.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER DONE
THAT.
IT'S HORRIBLE.
YEAH, IT'S TERRIFYING.
IT WAS JUST A HORRIBLE THING.
ME AND MY BOYFRIEND AND HIS DAD
WENT.
AND HIS DAD'S LIKE 90.
HEY, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
HE CAN BARELY FUNCTION ON
DRY LAND, SO, LET'S PUT HIM IN A
LITTLE, RUBBER BOAT AND WATCH
HIM SMASH INTO ROCKS.
(LAUGHTER)
YEAH, NOT ONLY WAS JUST THE TRIP
ITSELF LIKE THE RAFTING IS SCARY
BUT IT WAS JUST HORRIBLE.
MY BOYFRIEND'S REALLY BOSSY.
AND THE WHOLE TIME HE'S IN THE
BACK OF THE RAFT GOING, "STROKE.
STROKE."
AND I'M SCREAMING, "I AM!"
"NO, MY DAD IS HAVING A STROKE!"
THAT'S IT FOR ME, YOU GUYS.
MY FATHER'S A PALESTINIAN.
MY MOTHER'S A MORMON.
I'M A PALESTINIAN/MORMON.
WHERE'S MY PEOPLE?
WHERE ARE YOU?
YEAH?
GOOD TURN OUT.
NOT BAD.
I DON'T KNOW, MAN, PROBLEMS IN
THE MIDDLE EAST.
PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS.
LIKE BABIES FIGHTING OVER
ONE TOY.
YOU KNOW IF YOU GIVE TWO BABIES
ONE TOY, THEY'LL FIGHT OVER IT.
"QUIT TOUCHING MY HOLY LAND!"
"YOU QUIT TOUCHING IT!"
"IT'S MINE!"
QUIT FIGHTING OVER IT.
LET'S LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH
THE FACT THAT WE HAVE TO LIVE
TOGETHER, SIMPLE AS THAT.
EVERYBODY'S GOD'S CHOSEN PEOPLE.
THE JEWS ARE THE CHOSEN PEOPLE.
THE MUSLIMS ARE THE CHOSEN
PEOPLE.
MEANWHILE, THE CHINESE ARE IN
THE YEAR 6000.
(LAUGHTER)
I WAS OVER IN THE MIDDLE EAST IN
NOVEMBER AND I'M HANGING OUT
WITH A COUSIN AND HE'S DRIVING
US AROUND SHOWING US THE CITY
AND CAIRO AND YOU KNOW, ARABS
ARE ALL ANTI-AMERICAN RIGHT NOW
BASICALLY.
AND I WITNESSED IT FIRSTHAND.
I'M OVER THERE AND I'M DRIVING
AROUND WITH HIM, AND HE'S JUST
LIKE "BELIEVE ME, COUSIN,
AMERICA, AMERICA, VERY BAD,
VERY BAD.
THEY WEAK, VERY WEAK.
WEAK AND YOU KNOW AMERICA,
THEY THINK THEY OWN EVERYTHING.
I MEAN, LET'S COME ON.
THEY WILL FALL.
AMERICA JUST A PAPER TIGER.
THEY WILL FOLD.
YEAH.
YEAH, YOU HUNGRY?
YOU WANT SOMETHING TO EAT?
WE HAVE MCDONALD'S, BURGER KING,
PIZZA HUT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YEAH, WE GOT APPLEBY'S.
YOU LIKE APPLEBY'S?
OKAY, WE GOT T.A.I. FRIDAY'S.
YOU LIKE THAT?"
(LAUGHTER)
"T-- WHAT?
T.A.I.--"
"'THANK ALLAH IT'S FRIDAY'.
IT'S GOOD.
IT'S REALLY, REALLY GOOD."
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
LET'S GIVE ARABS CREDIT FOR
ONE THING AT LEAST, YEAH?
ARABIC NUMERALS.
WHERE WOULD BE WITHOUT ARABIC
NUMERALS.
ROMAN NUMERALS?
NO.
PRINCE IS NOT GONNA WRITE A SONG
CALLED: "WE'RE GONNA PARTY DOWN
LIKE IT'S MCMDXXVII."
YOU CAN'T DANCE TO THAT.
I DON'T REMEMBER THEM TEACHING
ROMAN NUMERALS IN SCHOOL.
I WAS JUST SLEEPING DURING
THAT PART, I GUESS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
DID YOU GUYS LEARN 'EM?
I'M MUST HAVE BEEN SLEEPING
'CAUSE I WAS ALWAYS SMOKING
GRASS IN SCHOOL, TOO LAZY
TO DROP OUT.
(LAUGHTER)
INCIDENTALLY...
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
'CAUSE IF I DROP OUT OF SCHOOL,
WHERE AM I GONNA FIND DRUGS?
SCHOOLS ARE FULL OF DRUGS, MAN.
IT'S TRUE.
YOU CAN SAY DRUGS KEPT ME IN
SCHOOL.
(LAUGHTER)
I WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE.
I KNOW WHERE THE KID'S LOCKER
IS, YOU KNOW.
I'M NOT GONNA FACE THE MARKET
ON THE STREET.
THERE'S NO CUSTOMER SERVICE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I DIDN'T STAY THERE TO MUSCLE
THROUGH HEMINGWAY.
THEY TRY TO FORCE YOU TO READ
HEMINGWAY.
BORING, SLOW.
DETAILS; DETAILS; DETAILS.
YOU EVER READ IT?
"OLD MAN & THE SEA."
HOW ABOUT THE OLD MAN IN THE
BOOK?
WHERE YOU GOING?
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT'S JUST STEP BY--
HE NEVER GETS A STEP.
GO!
"HE DROVE HIS CAR UP A
SHADY HILL AND PARKED.
THE WIND WAS LAYING THROUGH THE
EMERALD TREES, THE LONG GREEN
GRASS.
HE USED THE HANDLE ON THE DOOR
TO OPEN THE DOOR."
(LAUGHTER)
TWO CHAPTERS IN, I FEEL LIKE
WRAPPING MY LIPS AROUND THE END
OF A SHOTGUN.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
ALL RIGHT, MY NAME'S ARON.
BUT I'M ALL RIGHT WITH IT,
'CAUSE WE WEREN'T A GOOD MATCH,
YOU KNOW.
I'M A GEMINI.
SHE WAS A WHORE?
(LAUGHTER)
THAT'S RIGHT.
YEAH.
I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY TO DATE
RIGHT NOW ANYWAY.
IT SUCKS TO BE POOR WHEN YOU'RE
A WHITE MALE ESPECIALLY,
I NOTICED, 'CAUSE YOU GOT NO ONE
TO BLAME, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
CLEARLY IT'S MY FAULT THAT THIS
HAPPENED.
I SLEEP ON A PULLOUT COUCH.
THAT'S MY BED.
IT'S EMBARRASSING.
YOU TRY TO BRING A GIRL OVER.
YOU WINE AND DINE HER.
"WANT SOME CANDLES, BABY?"
"ALL RIGHT, SOME CANDLES.
"WANT SOME MUSIC?"
"ALL RIGHT."
"YOU KNOW I THINK YOU'RE REAL
SPECIAL.
MAYBE TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT
OR WE COULD, UM...
CAN YOU GET UP A SEC?"
"YEAH."
(SQUEAKING SOUNDS)
(LAUGHTER)
"YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT?"
YEAH.
(APPLAUSE)
YEAH.
YEAH.
YEAH.
I NEED A COOLER JOB.
I WANT TO BE LIKE A FIREMAN.
GIRLS LOVE FIREMEN.
YOU KNOW?
YOU GOT TO BE REALLY BRAVE TO DO
THAT.
I'M TOO MUCH OF A WHOOS I THINK,
'CAUSE THEY BREAK INTO BUILDINGS
LIKE "ME FIRST!"
I'D BE LIKE "I'LL CHECK THE
HOSE.
YOU GUYS GO IN.
I'M GONNA CHECK THE--"
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
"IT'S AWFUL SMOKY IN THERE.
YOU PROBABLY SHOULD LET IT BURN
ITSELF OUT.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
"I'M GONNA GET A FRESCA.
DO YOU GUYS--
DOES ANYBODY-- NO?"
I DON'T KNOW.
A LITTLE BIT OF A WHOOS.
IT'S DANGEROUS WHEN YOU HAVE A
GIRL, TOO, 'CAUSE THAT'S A
LIABILITY.
THIS IS SOMETHING I LEARNED
THE HARD WAY.
LIKE IF YOU'RE OUT WITH A WOMAN
AND SHE GETS PHYSICALLY
THREATENED BY A GUY, YOU HAVE
TO FIGHT THAT GUY EVEN IF YOUR
WOMAN HAS A BETTER CHANCE OF
WINNING.
IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER.
I WAS IN A BAR WITH THIS GIRL,
AND THIS GUY STARTED BLOWING
SMOKE IN OUR DIRECTION WHICH
I HATE, BUT HE WAS REALLY,
REALLY BIG.
SO I THOUGHT, "HEY, WHAT'S
CANCER?
YOU KNOW?
LET'S NOT MAKE A BIG TO-DO."
BUT THIS GIRL I WAS WITH GOES
OVER TO PICK A FIGHT, 'CAUSE SHE
KNEW HE'S NOT GONNA KICK HER
ASS.
HE'S GONNA KICK MY ASS.
SO SHE GOES OVER THERE ALL COCKY
LIKE "HA-HA-HA-HA.
HEY, ASS(BLEEP)...
(LAUGHTER)
WHY DON'T YOU BLOW THAT
SOMEWHERE ELSE, OH, MY GOD."
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
AND HE WAS LIKE "PHEW, WHATEVER,
WHORE."
AND I WAS LIKE "OH, MY GOD,
I LOVE THIS SONG."
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I'VE BEEN TAKING THIS
SELF-DEFENSE CLASS NOW,
SO I COULD PROTECT A LADY.
IT'S ACTUALLY NOT A SELF-DEFENSE
CLASS PER Sé.
IT'S A RAPE PREVENTION CLASS
THAT I'M IN.
IT WAS CHEAPER AND I THOUGHT
YOU KNOW.
(APPLAUSE)
YEAH...
AS LONG AS I'M SAFE.
SO, IF THAT GUY CAME UP TO ME
AGAIN AND WAS LIKE "YOU WANNA
DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?"
I'D JUST BE LIKE "NO!
NO!
NO!"
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
