Francisco, Byrne, Collins, Kennedy

  • Season 1, Ep 7
  • 10/28/2004

Pablo Francisco found a reason to actually like movie previews, and Ed Byrne ponders America's obsession with teeth.

(Paul Mecurio)NEVER BEEN A BETTERTIME TO BE A BLACKMAN IN THIS COUNTRY.

'CAUSE OF THEWAR ON TERRORISM,

WE'RE NOT RACIAL PROFILINGTHE BLACK MAN ANYMORE.

BLACK MAN'S OFF THE HOOK.

YOU HAVE BEEN MOVED UP THEFOOD CHAIN, MY BROTHER!

WE GOTTA FIND THETERRORISTS, RIGHT?

WHY CAN'T WEFIND THESE GUYS?

WHY CAN'T WEFIND BIN LADEN?

HE'S SIX-EIGHT.

CAN'T SOMEBODY JUSTSTAND ON A STOOL AND GO,

OH, YEAH, THERE HE IS.

I SEE HIM, HE'SRIGHT THERE.

YEAH, THE GUY WITH THEEIGHT-FOOT TURBAN,

THE TWELVE-FOOT BEARD,AND THE VIDEO CREW.

THAT GUY.

HE'S MAKING "JIHADGONE WILD 4."

THAT'S THE GUY.

EVERYONE WOULD HAVEYOU BELIEVE THAT

NORTH KOREA'S THE PROBLEM,'CAUSE THEY HAVE THE BOMB.

THEY SAID THEY'REGOING TO TEST THE BOMB,

TO HECK WITH THEREST OF THE WORLD.

NO, NORTH KOREA, THEYHAVE THE BOMB, THE BOMB.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!

WHO CARES IF NORTHKOREA HAS THE BOMB?

FOLKS, THEY'RE KOREA!

CAN WE BE HONESTWITH EACH OTHER?

HAVE YOU EVER OWNED ANYTHINGMADE IN KOREA THAT'S WORKED?

NO!

THEY'RE GONNA BEWHEELING THAT PIECEOF CRAP TO THE SILO.

(in Korean accent)HURRY, HURRY,HURRY, HURRY!

OH, NO, FALL APART!

NO WORLD DOMINATION TODAY!

THIS IS THEPROBLEM--"MADE IN KOREA."

YOU KNOW THOSE KOREANSHAVE THEIR OWN MARTIAL ART?

TAE KWON DO.

IT'S PERFECT IF YOU EVERGET ATTACKED BY A HYUNDAI.

NOW, KRAV MAGA PRIDESITSELF ON BEING THE MOST

EFFECTIVE SELF-DEFENSEMETHOD IN THE WORLD.

SOMEONE TRAINED ASA KRAV MAGA FIGHTER

CAN HANDLE ANY SITUATION.

QUESTIONS?

YEAH, WHAT IF A GUY'SCOMING AT YOU WITH A KNIFE?

WELL, WE HAVE MANYTECHNIQUES THAT DEAL WITH

DISARMING ALLKINDS OF WEAPONS.

BUT WHAT IF THE GUY HAS AKNIFE AND A MOUNTAIN LION?

WELL, THE ODDS OF BEINGATTACKED BY A MOUNTAIN LION

ARE EXTREMELY SLIM.

(Patrice)OKAY, LET'S SAYYOU'RE SCUBA DIVING

AND A KILLER DWARFSWIMS UP BEHIND YOU?

WELL, I SUPPOSE YOU COULDHIT HIM WITH A BACK KICK.

BUT WHAT IF THE DWARFHAS A SPEAR GUN?

WELL, THENI SUGGEST YOU FLEE THESITUATION IMMEDIATELY.

(Patrice)WAIT, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

SO A KRAV MAGA EVIDENTLYDOESN'T WORK AGAINST

KILLER DWARVESWITH SPEAR-GUNS.

THAT'S WEAK, THAT'S WEAK.

KRAV MAGA'S WEAK.

(Pablo Francisco)WHAT I REALLY LIKEABOUT THE MOVIES--

I LIKE THE PREVIEWSFOR SOME REASON.

I LIKE THAT GUY WITH THATDEEP VOICE, LIKE SMOKING,

LIKE, TEN PACKSOF CIGARETTES.

(in a dramatic voice)ONE MAN.

ONE WAY.

ONE DESIRE.

THEY WENT TOO FAR.

THEY BROKE ALL THE RULES.

ONE MAN.

KERMUTT THEFROG AS A PIMP.

WHERE'S MY MONEY?

WHERE IS IT?

WHAT A WEIRDVOICE--THAT...

THAT'S THE ONLY THINGTHAT GUY COULD DO FORA LIVING, YOU KNOW.

HE COULDN'T BE AMECHANIC OR ANYTHING.

HEY, HOW MUCH IS THATTRANSMISSION GONNA COST ME?

(in his deep voice)AN ARM... AND A LEG.

JUST IMAGINE HIM HAVINGSEX WITH SOMEBODY.

THAT WOULD BEHILARIOUS, YOU KNOW.

(in deep voice)OH, YEAH, THEDESIRE IN YOUR EYES.

THE PASSION BETWEENUS BURNS WITH FIRE.

OH, YEAH.

ONE WAY IN.

NO WAY OUT... OH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

HE ALWAYS CAN TAKESOMETHING STUPID ANDMAKE IT COOL, CAN'T HE?

HE'D ALWAYS BE LIKE...

(in deep voice)IN THE CITY, YOU MUSTFIGHT TO SURVIVE.

HE SOLD TORTILLAS ON THECORNER AND THE MOB WANTED IN.

I DON'T KNOWWHO THIS GUY IS,

BUT I WANT HIM ANDHIS TAMALES DEAD!

(in deep voice)HE HAD ONE CHANCE,

AND HIS CHANCEWAS TO FIGHT BACK.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.

LISTEN TO ME.

THESE ARE MY TORTILLAS

AND I'M NOT GOINGTO GIVE THEM UP.

LISTEN TO ME!

(in deep voice)IN A PLACE WHERE THEYDIDN'T KNOW HIS NAME.

MIJITO, WHO WERE THOSEMEN WHO CAME HERE?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

LISTEN TO ME,LISTEN TO ME.

KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.

THEY'RE TRYINGTO TAKE MY TORTILLAS!

(in deep voice)ONE MAN.

ONE SOLUTION.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGERTHIS SUMMER, IS...

NO!

(in deep voice)LITTLE TORTILLA BOY.

(Margaret Smith)AS IF THERE'S NOTENOUGH PAIN IN LIFE.

OUR YOUNGER WOMEN ARESIGNING UP FOR IT,

WITH THE PIERCINGAND ALL THAT.

I MEAN, THEY'REPIERCING EVERYTHING.

TONGUES, LIPS,NIPPLES, NAVELS...

PIERCING THEIR LABIANOW, THESE WOMEN.

YEAH, PIERCING THEIRLITTLE GEORGIA O'KEEFES.

YEAH, WHAT DO YOU--GETUP ONE DAY, YOU GO,

Y'KNOW, THE KIDSARE AT SCHOOL.

I THINK I'LL GO GETMY LEFT LABIA PIERCED.

THINKIN' GEEZ... HOWDO THEY GET THROUGHTHE METAL DETECTORS

AT THE AIRPORT?

I'M IRRITATED WHEN IHAVE TO TAKE MY BELT OFF,

LET ALONE MY LABIA EARRING.

THAT'S WHY WHEN I FLY,I WEAR THE CLIP-ONS.

(Patrice)AH, AFTER I GET MY TATTS,

I THINK I'M INTERESTEDIN SOME PIERCINGS.

YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUTGETTING YOUR PENIS PIERCED?

HEY, IF I WANT A BURNINGSENSATION DOWN THERE,

I'LL SLEEP WITHCOURTNEY LOVE.

(man)WHO'S NEXT?

HEY, HAS ANYONE EVER DIEDWHILE GETTING A TATTOO?

WHILE GETTING A TATTOO?

HEH HEH, NAH.

STAPH INFECTION USUALLY TAKESAT LEAST A YEAR TO KILL YA.

AH, THANKS FORREASSURING ME.

FIRST I'M GONNA GETAN AFRICAN AMERICANTRIBAL BAND...

MAYBE AN IRISHLEPRECHAUN...

AND THEN I'LL GET"TOO FUNK TO DRUCK"

TATTOOED ON MYSHOULDER, BABY.

YEAH, I'LL BETHE BLACK TOMMY LEE.

GULP!

AAAAAOOOOHHHHHH!

(Pete Correale)I DON'T DATE.

YOU KNOW WHY I DON'T DATE?

I'M SINGLE NOW, I LIKE IT.

'CAUSE I CAN'TFIGHT, YOU KNOW?

AND I'M SO AFRAID OF GETTINGBEAT UP IN FRONT OF A WOMAN.

THAT FREAKS MEOUT, YOU KNOW?

AND THE LAST WOMAN IDATED, SHE WAS LIKE,

WOULD YOU FIGHT FOR ME?

I WAS LIKE, I DON'T EVENFIGHT FOR MYSELF, SWEETHEART.

YOU CAN RUN WITH ME,'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I DO.

WE CAN HOLD HANDS WHILE WERUN--KEEP IT ROMANTIC--

BUT YOU GOTTA KEEPUP, 'CAUSE I BOOK.

I'M NOT GONNA GETMY ASS KICKED 'CAUSEYOU BROKE A HEEL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DATE LOUD ITALIANWOMEN FROM LONG ISLAND,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'MTALKING ABOUT?

WITH THE HAIRSPRAYAND THE NAILS...

RA-RA-RA-RA-RA-RA-RA.

THEY NEVER SHUT UP!

YOU TRY TO TELLTHEM TO BE QUIET,

THEY'RE GONNA TALKLOUDER AND FASTER.

MY DAD'S A COP.

DON'T TALK TO MELIKE THAT--DA DA.

I WAS AT THIS RESTAURANTDRIVE-THRU, RIGHT?

I HAD THISGUID-ETTE IN THE CAR

WITH THE HAIRSPRAY ANDTHE NAILS, RIGHT?

AND THE COUPLE IN FRONT OFUS ARE TAKING TOO LONG.

SHE'S GETTINGREALLY PISSED OFF.

SHE'S CHOMPING ON THEGUM, DOING THE NAILS.

(smacking her gum loudly)

WHAT THE--AEH-AEH-AEH-AEH.

LEANS ON MY HORN...

HUGE GUY GETS OUTOF THE OTHER CAR.

I'M LIKE, NOW I'M GONNA GETMY ASS KICKED BECAUSE OF YOU.

LOOK ATTHE SIZE OF GUY.

JUST GO TALK TOHIM... NA-NA-NA.

I GET OUT OF THE CAR.

I MEET THE GUYHALFWAY, RIGHT?

HE COMES UP TO ME AND GOES,"YOU GOT A PROBLEM, PAL?"

I GO, YEAH, I GOT A PROBLEM!

(whispers)LISTEN, MAN, I DIDN'THONK THE HORN.

IT WAS HER.

I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEMWITH YOU AT ALL.

HE GOES, "THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I DIDN'T WANT TO GET OUTOF MY CAR, SHE MADE ME."

MAN, THE ONLY THINGMORE ANNOYING

THAN LOUDMOUTH GIRLSARE WIMPY GUYS.

YEAH, I AGREE.

THANK GOD I'M NOTONE OF THOSE WUSSIES.

YEAH, RIGHT.

YOU'RE THE POSTERBOY FOR WHAT PRISONERS

REFER TO AS "THEIR BITCH."

YOU WANT A PIECEOF ME, OPRAH?

OH, YOU DON'TWANT TO GO THERE.

I GOT SIX POUNDS AND THREEOUNCES ON YOU, BITCH.

YEAH, AND FIVEOF 'EM ARE LIPS!

WHAT?

BRING IT ON.

I GUESS WE'LL, UH, HAVETO CALL IT A DRAW.