Na'im Lynn

  • 05/18/2012

Na'im Lynn describes how to secure a South African bride, the benefits of an alcohol colonic and why racism is counterproductive.

[loud cheers]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like that.I like that.

So, ya'llin a good mood, right?CROWD: Yeah!

I'm in a great, great mood,great mood.

Having a good yearso far. Uh, got my

RushCard in the mailthe other day.

Uh, went out and boughtthis jacket. It's on now.

It's on and popping,on and popping!

I'm happy to be in 2012, man.2011 was a bad year for me.

It was a bad year.Nothing good about that year.

Everything was bad, ended offbad. Christmas was terrible.

You know, my,my nephew's got mad at me

because they asked forAngry Birds for Christmas.

And, uh, I got them threebitches from Philadelphia.

I didn't know what the hellthey was talking about, man.

I'm just happyand I feel good. I feel good.

My New Years resolutionis over already.

I said, this year I wasgoing to stop drinking.

And that's alcohol right there.

I said was going to go ahead andgive up alcohol, you know,

because, uh, alcoholis like... sheesh,

it didn't work.Alcohol is one of

the best things ever invented.People, if you drink,

never quit.Drink until it kill you.

Just keep drinking.

I thought I wasbecoming an alcoholic

because I drink every day.I am nowhere near an alcoholic.

They got real alcoholics outhere, people. Real alcoholics.

They got this new thingcalled alcohol colonic.

This is where people are puttingliquor in their ass.

This ain't even no joke.This is some serious stuff.

People are taking shots ofPatrón to the booty hole.

And I know you're thinking,why would somebody

put liquor in their ass?Well, they do it because

it gets you drunk immediately.And no five, six drinks

trying to get drunk.One to the ass, and you're done.

Dude in the club like,"Ah..."

(panting): "Just trying toget wasted tonight."

"Man, I only got ten dollars."

"About to just takea shot to the ass."

The other benefit ofalcohol colonic is that

you can pass a breathalyzer.

Yeah.

Mm-hm. Cops pull you over like,

"You've been drinking?""I ain't been drinking nothing!"

"Well, g-g-give me the test!Give it to me!"

(blowing)

"Told you."

That's sick that peopleactually do that, right?

Crazy thing is, somebody in hereright now, like,

"Hm..."

(chuckles)They'll go home and do it wrong,

pour a bottleof Heineken on their ass.

I always like performing infront of mix crowds. Yeah.

(crowd cheers)

Yeah, ya'll didn't have to clapfor that but, you know.

Anybody in here racistby round of applause?

That's crazy man.You can't be racist these days.

You need every race, everynationality in this country.

Everybody serves a purpose.That's why our country is great.

Yeah.

I live in L.A.There's a lot of Mexicans.

People, some peoplehate Mexicans.

How can you hate Mexicans?If it weren't for Mexicans,

there wouldn't beno Mexican food.

You ever had guacamole?Guacamole is delicious.

How can you hate Asians, people?If it weren't for Asians,

where would you ya'll ladies getyour fake ass purses from?

Got your fake bags on...

Definitely can't hate blackpeople, you need us.

Black peopleare important, right?

CROWD: Yeah!Yeah...

Black people, black peopleinvented peanut butter.

Yeah, you didn't even know that.Did you, sir? Uh-uh.

If it weren't for peanut butter,people would be

walkin' aroundeating jelly sandwiches, man.

You need peanut butter.

You definitely can'thate white people,

'cause you need crackersfor the peanut butter.

Now, I feel very comfortableusing that word

in front of a roomfull of white people,

because I know the truedefinition of it. See...

We stupid, we think cracker,like, you think

you insulting somebody bycalling them a cracker.

'Cause they likea saltine or something. No.

Cracker came fromthe slavery times,

they used to crack that whipon our ass. Yeah.

I wish I was a white manand a black person

called me a cracker. I'd belike, "You damn right, boy."

Got your cracker right here.

I'm feeling good though, man.

Like, I'm in a, I'm in a great,great space in life.

Yeah, I'm 33 years old, no kids.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm a catch.I'm a catch.

People keep telling meI'm gonna be an old dad.

And I really don't care.I think you're supposed to wait

till you ready tosit your ass down

in order to have some kids.You know what I mean?

They say it's good to have themearly. I don't believe that.

Your 20s and your 30sare your best years.

You have a kid in your 20s,they're not grown

until you in your 40s.Now, you the old dude

in the club, trying torelive everything.

You in there requesting songsthey don't play no more.

(groans)

"Yo, you gonna play'Can't Touch This,' or what?"

Man, I ran into this girllast week from high school

that used to be in special ed.

She had her 11 year-old sonwith her. She said,

"Yeah, this ismy son right here."

"I homeschool him."

I said, "What's up, little man?"

He licked the back of my hand.

"Oh, yeah, you'rejust like your mother."

Another reason I don't havekids, people, is because

I'm not married yet.

I'm trying to do it thequote, unquote, right way.

Yeah, yeah, you don't haveto clap because

I don't thinkit's going to happen.

I don't thinkit's going to happen, see?

See, women would be ready to getmarried when they're like 25.

Men, we're ready to get marriedwhen we lose a leg or something.

Like, "Damn, look at thisright here. (groans)"

"Who going to want melike this, man?!"

"I guess I'm stuckwith your ass."

"Let me get down onthis one knee I got left."

Fellas, learn tocompliment your women.

Tell her nice thingseven if you don't mean it.

Tell her nice stuff. "Look atyou babe, look at you."

"Look at your ass,it's getting big. I like that."

Now, when you complimenta women, they can't

just accept the compliment.They gotta make

the compliment make sense."You know what,

the elevator was out of worktoday and I took the stairs."

"So, that's probably why my assis looking like this right now."

But I hate whenwomen get mad at guys

for not keepingthe relationship spicy.

Ya'll can do stuff too, man. Itdon't gotta be us all the time.

I had this one girl,she was on point with that.

She used to call me at work,talkin' dirty to me.

She called me one day,she said, uh,

"What time ya'll comin' home?"

I said, "Ya'll"?

She said,"Yeah, you and that dick."

I was like, Goddamn...

I said, "We on our way."

I got to the door, she had twooven mitts on. She was like,

"Mmm... give methat hot sausage."

"Mm... you wantthe hot sausage?"

I'll tell youone thing about men, ladies.

We cheat. That's what we do.We cheat.

And, uh, when we do cheat,it has nothing do with you.

Stop beating yourself up,talking about

"What's wrong with me,what'd I do?"

There's nothing wrong with youother than the fact

that you don't havemore than one vagina.

Everybody made a big dealabout Tiger Woods

because he was cheatingwith 17 women.

Listen, 17 womenis better than one women.

Because you can'tkeep up with 17 women.

You don't care about them.

Ladies, when your man gotone women on the side,

that's whenyour ass is in trouble.

Because that's hisother girlfriend.

Whatever you gotfor Christmas, that bitch

got that (bleep) in white.

The point I'm trying to make is,

"The more women your mancheat on you with,

the more he love you."

Yeah, we're nasty though.You got to

understand that about men.We're nasty.

We are disgusting by nature.

I'll give you a secret, ladies,about men real quick.

If you ever go overto a man's house

and you go in his bathroom, andhis body wash is on the sink

instead of in the shower...

He just washed his dick inthe sink before you got there.

He didn't take a full shower.

He shoe-shinedthem nuts up real fast.

He like, "Yeah, that'll do."

Nothing is nasty to a man.

We do anything.Nothing is nasty to us

until we bust a nut.Then after we bust a nut,

then we feel disgusted.

Before, we'll do anything. Wegot a thing in your (bleep).

"Mm...! Take that...(moaning)"

"(spits) (moaning)"

You got a foot in your mouth.(growls)

(growls)

Soon as you bust a nut,"(spits) what the..."

(whining)

"Oh, no..."

(moaning) You gotdo-do on your finger.

(sobbing)

Ah...

Oh, no...

What the hell is wrong with me?

what I'm looking for, you know.

Like everything is plasticout there.

They got fake ass, fake breasts,fake hair, fake lips.

You'd be like you're having sex

with Mr. Potato Head out there,man.

I hate, I hate breast implants.

I hate that.

Like, give me the real thing,man.

Don't you hate that?

'Cause it take away the funof the titty,

you know what I'm saying?

When a woman lay downon her back,

her breasts are supposedto fall onto her armpits.

(laughter)

That's the titty with alittle history to it, you know?

Fall to the armpit,get a little deodorant on it.

(laughter)

You suck it,your tongue gets dry.

(laughter)

What the hell is that, Degree?

(laughter)

I hate that.

I take, I take the small, saggybreasts over implants.

You ever see small,saggy breasts, like

this so messed up.

Like, how did thishappen to you?

Yeah, ever see that, sir?Small and saggy?

Like they got two coin purseson the chest.

(laughter)

You put money in her bra.

She put money in the titty.

Like I was saying before,you know,

I like natural women, no breastimplants, none of that stuff.

Like, weaveis definitely a no-no.

It's a no-no.

I know white and black womenwearing weaves.

You know, weave is...

You're lying. It's a lie.

You're trying to fool me.

What if I had dick weave?

You wouldn't like that.

(laughter)

I be using the same excuseas y'all use.

Like, nah, nah, nah, nah.

My dick is the same limp.

I just add this for thickness.

(laughter)

Nah, nah, nah,this is human dick.

(laughter)

(chuckles)

They're kidding with that.

"This is human hair."

Yeah, I know,different kind of human.

You got Indian hairand Nigerian sideburns.

My woman has to have ass.That is a necessity right there.

(audience cheering)

Yeah.

Black men love that donkey.

We love that ass.

Only thing a black man lovesmore than a woman with ass?

Is a white woman with ass.

Oh, my God.

Where do these come from?

When a black man walk inwith a white woman with ass,

other black men look at him

like he got on a pair ofsneakers he never seen before.

(laughter and applause)

"Where'd you get them from?"

"Ah, these ain't even out yet."

so I decided I'm gonnatake me a little trip.

So I'm gonna go somewhere else

for a few different reasons,you know.

I said I wanted to go somewhere'cause I need some new material,

I need some stuff to talk about,

'cause I was getting, like,real nasty at one time.

My mother was like,"Why do you gotta be so nasty?"

'Cause I was talking abouttossing a salad and everything.

Like it was... You know,and I had to explain to my mom

that as a comedian, you can onlytalk about what you're doing.

And at that time, I happenedto be tossing a lot of salad.

You know, city to city,

I was finding some saladto toss.

That's just eating (bleep)

in case you didn't knowwhat I'm talking about.

So... let me step awayfrom the ass

and let me take a trip, right?

So, I decided to go to Africa.

Now, Africa is great place.

One of the reasons whyI decided to go there

is because a lot of comedianswent to Africa.

Richard Pryor went to Africa.

He came back,he talked about it.

Jamie Foxx went to Africa,came back,

talked about life-changingexperience.

Dave Chappelle went to Africa.

I don't know what the hellhe was doing out there.

But I said, "I'm gonna goto Africa."

Now, before I went to Africa,

people kept telling meto be careful,

make sure you wear condomsbecause they got AIDS out there

and all that stuff.

I'm, like, "Look, man,have you been to Baltimore?

"It's AIDS everywhere.What are you talking about?

You got to wear a condomeverywhere."

So when I first got there,

I was afraid to have sexat first,

but not because of the disease.

I was afraid because, you know,the stereotype is

that black men are well-endowed.

Now, I am a watered-downblack man as you can see.

There has been some mixing.

Now, I'm figuring this mustbe the birthplace

of the big dick.I'm going to Africa.

I got over there,I was in the bathroom.

This dude looked over,he was like,

"Oh, you are not from here."

But the women werebeautiful, man.

They are, oh, man, you know,I said, like, ass?

Everybody has ass in Africa.Everybody.

I was, like, "Excuse me, sir,no disrespect

"but you got an ass, sir.You got a big ol' ass, brother.

"Go ahead and walk awayfrom me real quick.

Let me look at that thing."

(chuckles)

I went to two citieswhile I was there.

I went to Johannesburgand I went to Cape Town.

Now, Cape Town is a cool city.

Like, they like Americans.They love us, you know.

All they got to do is hearyour voice

and they all over you.

I'm just walking aroundtalking for no reason.

I'm, like, "Hey, hey, one, two,three, four, five,

"six, seven, eight, nine, ten...

"11, 12.

Yeah, yeah, I'm American,yes, yes."

Johannesburg? They don't care.

They don't carewhere you are from

if you're not from there.

They don't care aboutno damn Americans.

I was in, I was in this fastfood restaurant, right?

And I had on the feet shoes.You know the feet shoes,

like, where the toe go

into each individual spacelike a gorilla?

And this lady was, like,

"Oh, okay, where did you getyour shoes?"

I was, like, "Ah, you know,I'm from the States."

She said, "I don't carewhere you are from!

Where are the shoes?!"

I'm, like, "Man, they gota Footlocker out here?"

(chuckles)They were rude, man.

So the last thingthat I wanted to do

while I was in South Africa ismeet a woman.

I was at Portsmouth.

I said, "I can't find whatI like here in the States.

I'm gonna find mea nice African woman."

Now this is the thing aboutwomen in South Africa.

If you wantto marry one of them,

they have this thing called"lobola."

Lobola is like a dowry,

which means you have

to pay their father in orderto marry them.

Now, they don't take cash.You got to pay in cows.

Now, this is crazy to me.

I'm, like, "Cows? Where am Igonna get a damn cow from?"

You know, back home, you wantto hook up with something,

you go to the barbershop,you know.

I'm in the barbershop like"Who got some cows in here?"

They're like, "I got twogorillas, but we out of cows.

Damn, I hope you don't mind."

So I wantto respect the culture.

I said, "Let me go talkto her father

and understand about the cows,"you know.

'Cause this how it works:

the average woman is aboutten cows.

Now, if she's good-looking,she's smart,

you might be, like, 15 cows.

If she dumb, if she gota baby already,

she, like, five cows.

So I'm, like, "Let me gotalk to her father

and figure this out."

So I go talk to her father,I said, "Excuse me, sir,

"um, I want to respectyour culture.

"I really like your daughter.I don't have the cows right now.

"but I'm gonna go home,save my cows up, come back.

I just want to knowhow many cows I need."

So he's like, "Who, Lisa?Just give me two cows."

I said, "Come on, man.Stop playing."

He said, "Okay, one cowand a porcupine.

It's my final offer."

I said, "Man, be serious."

He said, "Just take the bitch.Leave!"

You ever have somebodymess your name up,

but then when you correctthem, they get mad at you

like you did something wrong?

"How you doing, Raheem?"

"Actually, it's Na'im."

"Well, excuse the hellout of me, Na'im."

I did a show at this college.

They had a poster with my nameon it.

Nobody knew who I was.

My name is spelled, N-A-'-I-M.

My last name is L-Y-N-N.

So when the students came upto me after the show,

he was like, "Man,

I thought your name"Nah, I'm lying."

(applause)

I said, "You must be ona football scholarship, huh?"

Nah, but look out.I got a lot of stuff coming out.

Man, this has been a greatyear for me so far.

This show right here.

I just got my first movie,which is a big thing.

(audience cheering)

Yeah. After all these years,

after all these years,they finally coming out.

with a Coming to America II.So I'm gonna be in that.

Nah, I'm lying.

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