Rogan, Carlos, Porter, Sally, Norelli, Whitham, Black

  • Season 1, Ep 0106
  • 08/24/2006

( laughter )

Let me tell you somethingabout working a temp job.

There's nothing more empoweringthan being paid to not care.

Now, I used to workcustomer service

for a beauty products company.

I got a letterfrom a seven-year-old girl.

She said, "I love usingyour shampoo,

but I want to knowif you test on animals."

I'm thinking that'sa great letter, you know.

Seven years old, she's active.

But I'm a temp.

I don't care.

So I wrote back, I wrote, "No.No, we don't test on animals,

but what a good idea."

( laughter )

I had one bossshe used to say to me,

"Some of my best friendsare black."

"I don't see color.

I don't care if you're white,black or purple."


"Really? You don't careif someone's purple?

'Cause that's gonna set offsome alarm bells for me.

"I mean, if someone'sever foolish enough

"to put me in a positionwhere I hire people,

"and I got a white guyand a black guy...

"and a purple guy.

I'm definitely not goingto hire the purple guy."

( laughter )

Besides, everyone knowsthat purple people are lazy.

( laughter )

And talking...

Thank you. Thank you.

( applause )

And I don't know whereI got this work ethic from.

My, uh, my fatheris a hardworking man.

In fact, my father never slept,never slept.

Oh, he used to rest his eyesquite a bit.

( laughter )

He would never admithe was sleeping.

"Dad you're falling asleep."

He said, "No, no, no,just resting my eyes."

So I tried to throw thisback at him,

"No, Dad, I'm not ignoring you.

I'm resting my ears."

"You know, Dad, I'm not drunk.

I'm resting my abilityto make sound decisions."

( laughter )

"No, Dad, I'm not hung over.

"I'm resting my desireto wake up

covered in somethingother than vomit and shame."

I said, "Dad,that's the first time."

He said, "That's a lie.

No one ever gets caughtthe first time."

So that day I robbed the bank.

( laughter )

And he, uh, he was one to giveme something to cry about, too.

"I'll give you somethingto cry about."

So every week I give himsomething to cry about.

I call him up and I say, uh,"Hi, Dad. I'm a temp."

( laughter )

But the worst thing you say,

I think all parents say is"We'll see. We'll see."

"Dad, can we goto the ball game?"

"Ah, we'll see."

"We'll see" means"No, not now, not ever.

Give me another beer."

So I tried to use this on him,too:

"Hey, son, you think you mightbe getting a real job?"

"I don't know, Dad.We'll see."

( laughter )

"What about the smoking?

You think about giving upthe smoking?"

"We'll see."

My dad is real bigon the smoking.

He, uh, he likes to saythat nicotine

is more addictive than heroin.

I said, uh,

"We'll see."

( laughter )

( applause )

I think another problem I havewith the whole working world

is the fact thatI'm consistently hung over,

which is not a big dealexcept I no longer drink.

( laughter )

If you ever wantthe pounding headache

without the annoying buzz,

put away abouteight non-alcoholic beers.

Nice to make fun of people thatdrink the non-alcoholic beers

'cause, you know,what's the point?

Friday night, let's get bloated.

( laughter )

But I had one,I had another one.

I can't get enough those things.

I'm hooked.

I'm a non-alcoholic.

( laughter )

And then they, uh,and then a friend of mine

said to me, he said, uh,

"I don't knowwhy you waste your time

"drinkingthe non-alcoholic beers.

"Drinking a non-alcoholic beerwill...

That's like performing oral sexon a blow-up doll."

( laughter )

I said, uh, "We'll see."

( laughter and applause )

"Did you ever get caughtthe first time?"

My God.

Okay, so listen up. Yeah.You hear my voice?

I'm what you calla preppy black guy.

That means I've skied.

Like to ski. Yeah. Yeah.

Ski again.

I like to play chessfor leisure.

Just used the word "leisure."

Tells you a lot right there.

You know, people, like, oh, man,I can say this racist stuff.

I know what I'm talking about.

I got a black friend.

I'm the black friend.

The one they're talking about.

Yeah I liketo wear fleece, too.

People are, like,"Hey, Jordan, you're black.

What are youwearing fleece for?"

Because it wicks away moisture.

Wicks it away.

Not a lot of thugswear fleece, you know?

You ask a thugwhat the weather's like,

he says, "It's cold! What?"You know?

It can never be, like,"It's brisk up in here, man.

Like the Scottish moors, son."

If he said that to you,your head would explode.

I also wear flip-flopswhen it's hot,

and black men do notwear flip-flops when it's hot.

They wear Timbs!That's it.

I wear flip-flops, and people are always, like,

"Are you lost?"

"Shouldn't you be in the showersat Ryker's Island?"

"Where's your littleLojack dealie? Where's that?"

Being black is tough,because people think I'm gay

because my clothes fit.

That's always a little weird.

Here's this guy... Yes.

Oh, my God. Yeah.

Yeah, man, it's tough.

You like your pants.They fit you.

You like girls. That's cool.

My pants fit me.

That means I liketo get D'd in the B.

Or I like to D other peoplein the B.

Somebody's gettingD'd in the B

because of my pants.

Somebody D'd in the B.All right.

This thug was, like,"Yo, man, you are ( bleep )!"

And I was, like,"Whoa, excuse me, Ditron. Um...

"I didn't have time to matchmy lime-green Timberland boots

"to my lime-green baseball cap.

Who took 20 minutesgetting ready this morning?"


Yeah. Yeah!

Felt so freeing.

I told him, man,and then I ran and I ran...

Then he caught me,and he beat the crap out of me,

and I cried like a little girl.

Ditron's a nice guy though.

I get a lot of gufffrom thugs, you know?

I think it's becauseI use the word "guff."

If I didn't use that word,I'd be all right.

I even get it from,like, the little thugs.

Like, the thug larvae, you know?

With the long white T-shirtsthat, like, billow in the wind.

Like little urban schooners,you know?

Like, I was in my neighborhood.

I live in a black neighborhood.


So it's, like,reverse gentrification.

It's just gentrification, but...

They came up to me.

They're, like, "Hey, mate,you look like Lenny Kravitz.

Yeah! Lenny Kravitz!What? Yeah!"

And I was, like,

what kind of a putdown is that?

That would be like me saying to him, "Hey, man,

"you look like George Clooneywith your square jaw

and charm women can't resist."Yeah.

Why aren't you crying, son?What?

So I told themthe error of their ways.

And I ran and I ran.

with my hilarious jokes,let me see

if I can read the audience'smind for a moment.

Total silence.

( chuckling )

Yeah, yeah.

I think I've got it.

The question that seems to beon everyone's lips:

"Mike, what's it liketo be flawless?

"What tapesare you listening to?

"What program did you join?

How do we become part of it?"

Well, believe it or not, folks,

there are some holesin this armor.

It's true.

Mike Black has a few flaws.

For one, I'm going baldin a spiral.

Not much good unless you'retrying to hypnotize your date.

"You're getting very horny.

"Your legs are heavy.

They're opening slowly."

So I'm dating now.

Out there in the community.

Sexually active.

That's its own joke in a way.

I was dating a scientistfor a while.

Only, she didn't liketo think of it as dating, no.

She liked to think of it

as a series of experimentson subject 11-A.

I wasn't dumped.

I was tagged and releasedin a familiar environment.

"My ear!


"A comic book shop?

"Guess I live here now.


My current girlfriendis awesome.

She's smart. She's funny.

She's beautiful.She has a great job.

She works as a fictionalreference in my comedy act.

She deserves the applause.

It's a hard job.

She commutes every dayon a unicorn

from Castle Grayskull.

With her roommate Chewbacca.

Sometimes we go drinkingwith Smurfette.

I'm trying to get theminto a drunken three-way.

Even if I just watch themsmurf each other's smurf,

that would be totally hot.

My parents are cool.

My dad, my dad's great.

He gives me advice

from isolated incidents

that will never happen toanyone else on the planet ever.

"Hey, Dad, how's it going?"

"Mike."Very alert, my father.


"Bit of advice:

"If you're ever locked in a roomwith a red chow

"and a black chow,stand absolutely still.

Chances are, those dogswill attack each other first."

Where the hell did you grow up,Dad?

"I have more to teach you.

"Never shave the sparkly partoff of a sparkler

"and light that sparkly dustby itself.

"I did that in the Navy and Ican't use my pinkies anymore.

Check it out."

Sometimes he'd try and slipa moral in

under his advice.

He'd say something like,

"Son, one time in a Tibetanwhore house... "

( laughing )

"I saw a panther fighta wolverine in a steel cage.

"Now I bet on the panther.

Ming Wa bet on the wolverine."

What does that mean?

"It means one day you'll findthe right woman."

My mom is one of thoseoverly supportive moms.

She's the kind of mom

that would make your clothingfor you when you were a kid.


All the guysin the audience know

that's a passport approvalto Ass-kick Land

every day at school.

My mom would go the extra mile,though.

She would make my clothingout of the same fabric

she made her own clothingout of.

In 1978.

I was the only boy in schoolin an avocado green pantsuit

and matching ascot.

We would play games likeCowboys and Indians and Rhoda.

My head hasbeen this size

since I was five years old.

Imagine the pain of a boywho's 50% head.

Running off to classin an ensemble

that Mary Tyler Moorecouldn't pull off.

I'm about to leave you guys,

but before I go, I wantto let you guys know something:

we are having a big, humongouscontest here tonight,

and you could win somethingpretty cool.

Are you excited about it?

( cheering )

All right.

That is what I like to hear.

It's called "The Sex withMike Black Sweepstakes."

I know, everyone's like,"Details, details!"

It's very simple.

I want you to all look downon your chairs...

go ahead, look down whereyou're sitting.

We worked it all outbefore the show.

And if you finda vagina there,

you win.

All right, you feeling good?


Yeah, I am. I'm feeling good.

I was sick...I was sick recently.

Anybody here ever been sick?

I love it when you're sick

and people tell youto go to Jamba Juice.

You know,'cause when you're sick,

well, when you're sick,a $48 Slurpee's good for you.

Have you been there?

They've got the "Cold Buster,"

"Protein Builder," "IQ Booster."

They have the cure for AIDS.

They just don't knowwhat flavor to make it yet.

It's going to beway more expensive.

The key to healththough, everybody:

build your immune system.

Why do you think that diseaseSARS never hit Mexico?

'Cause they drink waterwith gasoline in it.

That's exactly why.

You could sneeze SARS, mad cow,bird flu on your friend Miguel;

he'd just wipe it away and go,"It's okay,"

and go salsa dance. He's fine.

It's like,"You made me stronger."

People worry about healthat the wrong times.

You ever notice that?

"Ooh,there's a hair in my food."

You're eating bacon.There's a pig's assin your food.

Maybe the hair's from a pig ass.You don't know.

If it were a human hair,that'd be gross, that's gross.


I'm pretty healthy. I am.

I get massage,

but I hate when they talkwhile you're getting a massage.

One woman's like, "Push all yourproblems out your arm."

I'm like, "Come again? What?

Push your problemsout your arm?"

"Hey, man,did you pay your rent?"

"Nah, I pushed it out my arm.

"I don't have it anymore.

"Nah, I pushed it out.

"Why? It's so much cheaper.It is. It's way cheaper.

"My landlord doesn't like it.

"I'm like, 'Maybe you shouldpush me out your arm

'cause you're havinga problem.'"

You have to be charitable.

If you're a woman,and you get breast reduction,

you need to donate those boobs.

There are flat womenout there right now

that actually have to think

of clever things to sayin conversation.

Thank you.

( chuckling ):Thank you.

But I don't, I don't care.

I don't fight it anymore.

I just, I learned not to argue,'cause you can't win.

I learned thatfrom my cell phone company.

I called them up 'causemy voice mail wasn't picking up.

You know what they told me?

"It sometimes does that."

And it worked.

I swear, I was like,"Shoot, you're right,"

and I hung up, and it was over.

"It sometimes does that."

I know it sometimes does that.

That's why I sometimes call.

Let's fix it sometimes.

But I have to give in.

I have to... I mean,I like it when people give up.

I was at this stereo store,and the manager had three teeth.

I was like,"Hell yeah, dude, yeah!"

You know what?Three is all you need.

You're right.

That guy's real.

I trust that guy.

I mean, he laughs at your joke,he means it, you're funny.

He's not going to smileif he doesn't have to.

Life is so hard, man.

God, it's...

Don't you ever want to just giveup and become a security guard?

I saw a security guard the otherday sleeping at 2:00 p.m.,

like a baby.

He was adorable.

I haven't slept like a babyin ten years,

'cause I'm up thinkingabout stuff like goals.

This guy had the right attitude.

"I failed.Oh, well, night-night,"and passes out.

That was...

You guys are really courteous.

Thank you, thank you.

So, um, let's see,I was in Bemidji...


You know, the Bemidji.

And there's a signwhen you're entering Bemidji.

It says, "Entering Bemidji,home of Paul Bunyan."

I didn't think you could claim

to be the hometown ofa fictional character, you know?

I mean, what's next?

Entering Scarsdale, New York,home of Aquaman.

Ghostbusters World Headquarters,next right.

The neighborhood I grew up inhad a sign.

It said, "Go slow. Deaf child."

When I was a little kid,I used to worry a lot

about the deaf kid, 'cause Ilive on a very busy street,

and I was always worried he'dbe out playing in the street,

and a car would come whippingaround the corner,

and he wouldn't hear it,and he'd get hurt.

Nowadays, I drive by that sign,and all I can think is,

"When is this deaf kid goingto get his act together

and move out ofhis parents' house, you know?"

I mean, he's gotto be pushing 30 now, really.

Time to stop actinglike a deaf child

and start actinglike a deaf adult, everyone.

I was raised by a coupleof white people, white folks.

They were good people, but theywere honkeys, is what they were.

They were a coupleof cracker-eating honkeys.

They said we were Irish.

We were from Ireland,supposedly.

I don't particularly thinkthis complexion

is well-suitedto any environment,

uh, above the earth's crust,to tell you the truth.

I got engaged.

( cheering )

Thank you. Thank you.

To a woman, everybody,to a woman.

Um, I actually, I've beenlearning a lot.

Like, I learned being in areally committed relationship,

it's about compromise,

but it's also about knowingwhat you want

and getting that out of it.

Like, for instance,

I've told her I can't go throughwith the wedding

unless our songis "The Monster Mash."

And that's got meout of a lot of planning

I don't want to do.

We actually, we have a realinteresting proposal story.

I wanted to make itreally special

'cause I heardyou're supposed to, so...

so we went outfor a really nice dinner.

We get back to her apartment.

I'll kind of set it up for you.

Like, first thing I didis I set a diversion.

So I said, "Hey,I'm a little hot.

Could you open up a window?"

So she goes to the windowand opens it up

and a bat comes flyinginto the apartment,

starts circling aroundthe living room, right?

So she starts freaking out.

So I grab a tennis racketand just swat the thing

out of the air,and it lands on the floor

and it's flopping aroundand everything

and she's screaming,

so I just start beatingthe thing

with the racket.

You know, you got to give 'emtwo or three good whacks

to put 'em down.

I mean, they're very resilientanimals.

So finally the bat's layingthere motionless on the floor,

and we're both sitting therejust kind of taking it all in.

And I wait till the moment'sjust right.


And I said, "Hey, baby,it looks like there's something

inside that bat."


Yeah, so I got downwith my pocketknife

and I cutthat little bugger open.

And what was inside buta diamond ring, everybody, huh?

So I got down on one knee,you know,

with the ring in one handand that bloody dead bat

in the other, and I said,"Even this blind dead bat

could see that you're the onefor me."

Hell, yeah, drink up.

Drive home real fast.It'll be sweet.

See if the Lord loves you.

I quit drinking last year.

I'm back 'cause it's delicious.

And I didn't quit drinking

'cause I had a problemwith liquor.

I quit drinking 'cause I wantedto quit smoking cigarettes.

For a long time,I couldn't have a drink

without smoking a cigarette.

That's hard.

Some of you knowwhat I'm talking about.

It's hard to drinkand not smoke. It is.

If you don't knowwhat it's like,

It's like trying to poopand not pee.

It's hard.

( laughter )

I smoke pot.That's what I do, um...

I think pot's a safer drugthan alcohol, you know.

You drink too much liquor,you get in your car,

you drive away, you hitsomebody, you kill 'em.

You smoke too much weed,

odds are you're not gettingin your car.

That's production you don't wantto get involved in.

You got to get up.

Then you got to rememberwhat the hell you got up for.

Pot's the only drug I do,though.

Besides Xanax and mushrooms.

I love Xanax, man.

That stuff'slike the reset button.

If you're havinga ( bleep ) day, take a Xanax.

Next thing you know,it's tomorrow.

I don't have a jokeabout mushrooms,

just some advice.

Do 'em.

Serious, serious.

But when you're on 'em,stay off the phone.

The people calling youare not on mushrooms.

That is going to bea weird conversation.

'Cause they're goingto be, like,

"Hey, man, what are you doing?"

And you're going to be, like,

"Well, I was in the closet.Then you called."

They don't know you're tripping,so now they think you're gay.

I don't need that many.

That's just a proud momentwalking up to the register.

"Could you write that up?

"I got places to be, okay?Thank you.

Pimpin' ain't easy.It's time-consuming."

Costco's messed up, man.

They sell caskets... at Costco.

They sell cask...

What the hell did Grandpado to you?

You're buying his casketat Costco?

Everyone shops at Costco.

They're going to knowyou bought Grandpa a "Cosket."

And it's Costco--

you're going to have buy 'emin a two-pack.

That's where they get ya.

What are you gonna dowith the second Cosket--

taunt the kids with it?

"Clean your room,you son of a bitch,

or it's back in the boxwith you."

There's too many differentkinds of condoms now.

It's ridiculous.

There used to be rack.Now it's a whole wall.

You know, there should only betwo kinds:

it should be lubricatedand non-lubricated.

That should be the end of it.

I don't even knowwho the hell's buying

a non-lubricated condom.

It's like locking your brakes upon the freeway.

( laughter )

Brings a whole new meaningto burning rubber.

They got colors and scents now.

Who cares what colora condom is?

"Hey, it's blue.Now it's not.

"Hey, it's blue. Now it's not.


"Sex is so much more fun nowwith the colors.

"Before, this was all boringand tedious.

Now it's an adventurethrough the rainbow."

And scents?

What the hell are you smellinga condom for, ladies?

If we got a condom on, get yournose away from it, okay?

Time is of the essence.

The boy is suffocating.

But y'all start askingquestions, don't you, ladies?

"Why is he all soft?"

Well, he ran out of air,Miss Talkie.

( laughter )

Let's put a bag over your headand see how long you stay alert.

( laughter )

( shocked ):What? What?

Nobody wantsto bang Willy Wonka?

What's up with that?

Girls think I'm cute.

They're just afraidof Oompa Loompas.

It sucks being a single guy,

having a penis,nowhere to put it.

Girls, you don't know.

You have a vagina.

Walk the Earth long enough,

someone's going to have sexwith you, okay?

It's just a matter of time

and you lowering your standardsa little bit.

If you got a penis,there's no guarantees anymore.

You got to have something elseto accentuate your penis,

like a car...

or a job or...

forty dollars.


Penis needs an ad campaign.

Like "Penis:it's what's for dinner."

Or "Have it your way."

"Is it in you?" Something.

Because we're going upagainst a superior product.

Fellows, you got to look at itfrom a marketing standpoint.

Vagina beats everything.

It does. That's why we play"Rock, Paper, Scissors"

and not "Penis, Ass, Vagina."

Everybody would be throwing"vagina" all the time.

Vagina beats everything.

One, two, three-- vagina.Damn it.