Rogan, Carlos, Porter, Sally, Norelli, Whitham, Black

  • Season 1, Ep 106
  • 08/24/2006

Jordan Carlos explains why it's tough to be preppy, and Chris Porter reveals why he had to quit drinking.

My God.

Okay, so listen up. Yeah.You hear my voice?

I'm what you calla preppy black guy.

That means I've skied.

Like to ski. Yeah. Yeah.

Ski again.

I like to play chessfor leisure.

Just used the word "leisure."

Tells you a lot right there.

You know, people, like, oh, man,I can say this racist stuff.

I know what I'm talking about.

I got a black friend.

I'm the black friend.

The one they're talking about.

Yeah I liketo wear fleece, too.

People are, like,"Hey, Jordan, you're black.

What are youwearing fleece for?"

Because it wicks away moisture.

Wicks it away.

Not a lot of thugswear fleece, you know?

You ask a thugwhat the weather's like,

he says, "It's cold! What?"You know?

It can never be, like,"It's brisk up in here, man.

Like the Scottish moors, son."

If he said that to you,your head would explode.

I also wear flip-flopswhen it's hot,

and black men do notwear flip-flops when it's hot.

They wear Timbs!That's it.

I wear flip-flops, and people are always, like,

"Are you lost?"

"Shouldn't you be in the showersat Ryker's Island?"

"Where's your littleLojack dealie? Where's that?"

Being black is tough,because people think I'm gay

because my clothes fit.

That's always a little weird.

Here's this guy... Yes.

Oh, my God. Yeah.

Yeah, man, it's tough.

You like your pants.They fit you.

You like girls. That's cool.

My pants fit me.

That means I liketo get D'd in the B.

Or I like to D other peoplein the B.

Somebody's gettingD'd in the B

because of my pants.

Somebody D'd in the B.All right.

This thug was, like,"Yo, man, you are ( bleep )!"

And I was, like,"Whoa, excuse me, Ditron. Um...

"I didn't have time to matchmy lime-green Timberland boots

"to my lime-green baseball cap.

Who took 20 minutesgetting ready this morning?"


Yeah. Yeah!

Felt so freeing.

I told him, man,and then I ran and I ran...

Then he caught me,and he beat the crap out of me,

and I cried like a little girl.

Ditron's a nice guy though.

I get a lot of gufffrom thugs, you know?

I think it's becauseI use the word "guff."

If I didn't use that word,I'd be all right.

I even get it from,like, the little thugs.

Like, the thug larvae, you know?

With the long white T-shirtsthat, like, billow in the wind.

Like little urban schooners,you know?

Like, I was in my neighborhood.

I live in a black neighborhood.


So it's, like,reverse gentrification.

It's just gentrification, but...

They came up to me.

They're, like, "Hey, mate,you look like Lenny Kravitz.

Yeah! Lenny Kravitz!What? Yeah!"

And I was, like,

what kind of a putdown is that?

That would be like me saying to him, "Hey, man,

"you look like George Clooneywith your square jaw

and charm women can't resist."Yeah.

Why aren't you crying, son?What?

So I told themthe error of their ways.

And I ran and I ran.

Hell, yeah, drink up.

Drive home real fast.It'll be sweet.

See if the Lord loves you.

I quit drinking last year.

I'm back 'cause it's delicious.

And I didn't quit drinking

'cause I had a problemwith liquor.

I quit drinking 'cause I wantedto quit smoking cigarettes.

For a long time,I couldn't have a drink

without smoking a cigarette.

That's hard.

Some of you knowwhat I'm talking about.

It's hard to drinkand not smoke. It is.

If you don't knowwhat it's like,

It's like trying to poopand not pee.

It's hard.

( laughter )

I smoke pot.That's what I do, um...

I think pot's a safer drugthan alcohol, you know.

You drink too much liquor,you get in your car,

you drive away, you hitsomebody, you kill 'em.

You smoke too much weed,

odds are you're not gettingin your car.

That's production you don't wantto get involved in.

You got to get up.

Then you got to rememberwhat the hell you got up for.

Pot's the only drug I do,though.

Besides Xanax and mushrooms.

I love Xanax, man.

That stuff'slike the reset button.

If you're havinga ( bleep ) day, take a Xanax.

Next thing you know,it's tomorrow.

I don't have a jokeabout mushrooms,

just some advice.

Do 'em.

Serious, serious.

But when you're on 'em,stay off the phone.

The people calling youare not on mushrooms.

That is going to bea weird conversation.

'Cause they're goingto be, like,

"Hey, man, what are you doing?"

And you're going to be, like,

"Well, I was in the closet.Then you called."

They don't know you're tripping,so now they think you're gay.

I don't need that many.

That's just a proud momentwalking up to the register.

"Could you write that up?

"I got places to be, okay?Thank you.

Pimpin' ain't easy.It's time-consuming."

Costco's messed up, man.

They sell caskets... at Costco.

They sell cask...

What the hell did Grandpado to you?

You're buying his casketat Costco?

Everyone shops at Costco.

They're going to knowyou bought Grandpa a "Cosket."

And it's Costco--

you're going to have buy 'emin a two-pack.

That's where they get ya.

What are you gonna dowith the second Cosket--

taunt the kids with it?

"Clean your room,you son of a bitch,

or it's back in the boxwith you."

There's too many differentkinds of condoms now.

It's ridiculous.

There used to be rack.Now it's a whole wall.

You know, there should only betwo kinds:

it should be lubricatedand non-lubricated.

That should be the end of it.

I don't even knowwho the hell's buying

a non-lubricated condom.

It's like locking your brakes upon the freeway.

( laughter )

Brings a whole new meaningto burning rubber.

They got colors and scents now.

Who cares what colora condom is?

"Hey, it's blue.Now it's not.

"Hey, it's blue. Now it's not.


"Sex is so much more fun nowwith the colors.

"Before, this was all boringand tedious.

Now it's an adventurethrough the rainbow."

And scents?

What the hell are you smellinga condom for, ladies?

If we got a condom on, get yournose away from it, okay?

Time is of the essence.

The boy is suffocating.

But y'all start askingquestions, don't you, ladies?

"Why is he all soft?"

Well, he ran out of air,Miss Talkie.

( laughter )

Let's put a bag over your headand see how long you stay alert.

( laughter )

( shocked ):What? What?

Nobody wantsto bang Willy Wonka?

What's up with that?

Girls think I'm cute.

They're just afraidof Oompa Loompas.

It sucks being a single guy,

having a penis,nowhere to put it.

Girls, you don't know.

You have a vagina.

Walk the Earth long enough,

someone's going to have sexwith you, okay?

It's just a matter of time

and you lowering your standardsa little bit.

If you got a penis,there's no guarantees anymore.

You got to have something elseto accentuate your penis,

like a car...

or a job or...

forty dollars.


Penis needs an ad campaign.

Like "Penis:it's what's for dinner."

Or "Have it your way."

"Is it in you?" Something.

Because we're going upagainst a superior product.

Fellows, you got to look at itfrom a marketing standpoint.

Vagina beats everything.

It does. That's why we play"Rock, Paper, Scissors"

and not "Penis, Ass, Vagina."

Everybody would be throwing"vagina" all the time.

Vagina beats everything.

One, two, three-- vagina.Damn it.