CC Presents: Paul F. Tompkins (2007)

  • 03/15/2007

Paul F. Tompkins bristles at TSA restrictions, text prompts and the preponderance of terrifying dogs.

YOU'RE WRONG!

'CAUSE WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUTISSUES TONIGHT!

WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT STUFF THAT MATTERS!

SO, I HOPE YOU CAN HANDLE IT! HERE WE GO.

TOPIC NUMBER ONE: ABORTION. HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE IT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON A SECOND. HOLD ON.

THAT WAS APOORLY PHRASED QUESTION. I APOLOGIZE.

DOES NOT LEAVE YOU A WHOLE LOT OF WIGGLE ROOM. LET ME REPHRASE IT.

ABORTION,IS IT DUMB OR AWESOME?THOSE ARE YOUR CHOICES.

WRITE IT DOWN.I HOPE YOU BROUGHT PADS. WRITE IT DOWN.

[SUBDUED LAUGHTER]

THIS IS GONNA BE A MAD MARCH. IT'S NOT GONNA BE A GOOD MARCH.

WE'RE NOT GONNA GETANYTHING DONE.

FOLKS, LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE BIT ABOUT MYSELF.

I'M NOT TRYING TO BRAG OR MAKEYOU FEEL SMALL ABOUT YOURSELVES.

BUT, I HAVE A CELL PHONE. LET ME EXPLAIN WHAT THAT IS.

- IT'S-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW HOW IF YOU HAVEA PHONE IN YOUR HOUSE?

IT'S LIKE THAT EXCEPT THERE'S NO "ROPES"ATTACHED TO IT.

[LAUGHTER]

I HAVE A CELL PHONE BECAUSE I LOVE TO TEXT MESSAGE.

I LOVE IT. LOVE TEXT MESSAGING.

- [APPLAUSE]- HOLD ON. WEIRD APPLAUSE BREAK.

I LOVE TEXT MESSAGING BECAUSE I LOVE ANY FORM OF ONE-SIDED,

- NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LIKE TOGIVE PEOPLE INFORMATIONAND THEN THEY GOT TO

- DEAL WITH IT.- [LAUGHTER]

NOT EVERYTHING'S A CONVERSATION. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I'LL BE THEREIN FIVE MINUTES. THERE!

- THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE HERE'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO AVOID,

"ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES." "OKAY. [PAUSE]

SO, WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?"

"NO! NO! NO! NO!

"TELL YOU WHAT? SAVE IT-- SAVE IT FOR FIVE MINUTES FROM NOW

"WHEN WE SEE EACH OTHER.LET'S NOT BURN OUT

ALL OUR TOPICS NOW.WHATEVER WILL WE DISCUSSIN FIVE MINUTES?"

A TEXT MESSAGE,IT TRIES TO HELP ME OUT.

LIKE, I'LL TAP INA COUPLE LETTERS, RIGHT,

AND THEN THE PHONE WILL POP UP SOME SHADOWY GHOSTY LETTERS

NEXT TO THE LETTERS I'VE TYPED IN

COMPLETING A POTENTIAL WORD

AS IF TO SAY,"IS THIS WHAT YOU MEAN?"

[LAUGHTER]

AND SOMETIMES IT IS!

AND I'D SAY, "THANKS, PHONE.

YOU HAVE ANTICIPATED MY NEEDS LIKE AN ATTENTIVE LOVER."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH BUT, SOMETIMES, FOLKS...[STOMPS FOOT]

SOMETIMES THAT PHONEIS A MIGHT PRESUMPTUOUS

ABOUT ONE WORDIT THINKS I'M GOING FOR.

OH, YOU NEED EXAMPLES? HERE THEY COME!

I BACK UP MY THEORIES WITH DATA.

I WRITE A MESSAGE TO A FRIEND OF MINE,

AND I'M TRYING TO TELL HIM I HAVE A BAD COUGH, RIGHT,

COUGH, I PUT IN C-O-U, THE PHONE SUGGESTS "COUGAR?".

NO, NOT AT ALL.

THAT'S REALLY YOUR DEFAULT C-O-U WORD "COUGAR"?

C-O-U PROBABLY MEANS COUGAR-- IT'S PROBABLY COUGAR.

WHAT ELSE COULD HE BE GOING FOR?

COUGAR-- C-O-U-- COUGAR. C-O-U-G, WHAT'D I TELL YA? COUGAR.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

UM, MY FEELING IS I THINK PEOPLE COUGH

MORE THAN THEY ENCOUNTER COUGARS.

AT LEAST I SHOULD HOPE SO.

HEY, I CAN'T TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW 'CAUSE I'M BEING ATTACKED BY A COUGAR

AND I'M SAVING MY VOICE FOR SCREAMS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- THEN-- HOLD ON-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEN, I'M TRYINGTO WRITE A MESSAGE WITHTHE WORD "PHONE" IN IT.

"PHONE"!

I PUT IN P-H-O.

- THE PHONE SUGGESTS "PHOENIX?" - [LAUGHTER]

WHAT?

PHONE, EVEN PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN PHOENIX WRITE PHONE MORE THAN PHOENIX.

THEY KNOW WHERE THEY ARE.

- PLUS, YOU'RE A PHONE! - [LAUGHTER]

- HAVE A LITTLE SELF-ESTEEM! - [LAUGHTER]

- SOMETIMES IT IS ABOUT YOU. - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

PHOENIX.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT PHONE, YOU HAVE CAUGHT ME YET AGAIN

- TEXTING MY ANCIENT GREEK PALS. - [LAUGHTER]

"HEY, GUYS, WHATEVER HAPPENED WITH THAT PHOENIX?

"DID IT RISE FROM THE ASHES? I HAD A BET WITH A FRIEND?

OKAY, CATCH YOU LATER,GOLDEN FLEECE CYCLOPS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- THE FASTEST. - [LAUGHTER]

AND I WAS IN LINEAT THE AIRPORT SECURITY

- CHECKPOINT CHARLIE - [LAUGHTER]

AND AS I'M STANDING THERE, I SEE THEY HAVE A LITTLE SIGN

WITH PICTURES OF THINGS YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BRING

ON THE PLANE ANYMORE. AND THEY HAVE LIKE

LITTLE DRAWINGS, CIRCLE, LINE THROUGH IT-- NO!

ONE OF THE THINGS YOU CAN'T BRING ON THE PLANE ANYMORE

IS A BOMB. NO. NO, THEY HAD A PICTURE. NO. CAN'T DO IT.

AND IT WAS THE CLASSIC CARTOON BOMB. LIKE THE BOWLING BALL

WITH THE LITTLE, SPARKY WICK COMING OUT OF IT.

AND THEN YOU MIGHT THINK, "OH, I GOT A WAY AROUND THAT."

UH-UH, NOT SO FAST.

THEY ALSO HAD APICTURE OF THE BUNDLE OFDYNAMITE WITH THE CLOCK.

MM, YEAH, NICE TRY. BUT THEY ARE TWO STEPS AHEAD.

GOT TO PUT THAT IN THE BOX WITH THE OTHER BOMBS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, THE CARDBOARD BOX FULL OF BOMBS? YEAH.

MY FAVORITE ITEMTHAT YOU CAN'T BRING ONTHE PLANE ANYMORE--

AND THEY HAD A PICTURE OF IT--

YOU CAN'T BRING THIS ON THE PLANE ANYMORE: BRASS KNUCKLES.

THAT IS ADORABLE.IT IS THE TWO THOUSANDS.

WHO IS WALKING AROUND WITH BRASS KNUCKLES?

THAT'S NOT HAPPENING ANYWHERE.

"BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR TWO OLD-TIMEY GANGSTERSAPPROACHING THE GATES.

"THEY ANSWER TO THE NAMES BRUISER AND CRUSHER.

BE SURE TO CHECKTHEIR SPATS FOR US UP."

IF SOMEONE'S BRINGING BRASS KNUCKLES ONTO A PLANE,

LET THEM HAVE THEM. HE CLEARLY NEEDS TO HAVE THEM

MORE THAN YOU NEED HIMNOT TO HAVE 'EM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

HE'S NOT ANY THREAT TO THE OPERATION OF THE AIRCRAFT.

HEY, THIS PLANE GOES WHERE I SAYOR SOMEONE'S GETTING A GOOSE EGG

- ON THE OLE COCONUT! - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, THEY LOOK LIKE KNUCKLES, BUT THEY'RE BRASS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

JUST LET HIM HAVE HISBRASS KNUCKLES!

LOOK, YOU'VE ALREADY CHECKED MY LEAD PIPE AND MY BICYCLE CHAIN.

THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS. I NEED THOSE BRASS KNUCKLES.

I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT RUMBLEON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY

- AND I CAN'T SHOW UP EMPTY HANDED. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW, MOST OF THE GUYS IN THE GANG, THEY WANNA GO

RIGHT FROM THE AIRPORT STRAIGHT TO THE RUMBLE VENUE.

BUT, I'M LIKE, "GUYS, LET'S CHECK INTO THE HOTEL,

"HAVE SOME ROOM SERVICE FIRST. WE'VE NEVER BEEN TO THIS CITY

AS A GANG BEFORE. LET'S ENJOY IT."

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE THE REASONABLE GANG MEMBER.

"HAVE WE TRIED TALKING TO THE OTHER GANG?"

[LAUGHTER]

WHO DOES NOT HAVE AN INSANE, VICIOUS, TERRIFYING DOG

AND I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENED.

I DON'T KNOW IF THERE WAS LIKE A MEMO IN THE COMMON AREAS

THAT I MISSED. LIKE, "WE'RE ALL GETTING INSANE DOGS.

WHO'S ON BOARD?"AND THEN I DIDN'T CHECK A BOX OR SOMETHING.

BUT, EVERY DAY, THIS HAPPENS. I'M WALKING DOWN THE STAIRS

AND I HIT THE LANDING AND JUST AS I'M ABOUT TO TURN OUT

ON THE LANDING AND I'M THINKING,

"WHAT'S TODAY GONNA BE LIKE FOR ME?"

I AM MET WITH THE SIGHT OF A TERRIFYING DOG BARKING

RIGHT IN MY FACE." JUST LIKE-- DUH, DUH, DUH-- ARG, ARG, ARG!

IT IS HORRIBLE. I WILL LIKE START, RIGHT,

AND THEN SOMETIMES, IF I'M HONEST, I LITTLE NOISE WILL COME OUT LIKE

- AAAGH-- LIKE THAT. - [LAUGHTER]

WHAT DRIVES ME CRAZY IS THE PEOPLE WHOSE DOG IT IS--

THEY DON'T APOLOGIZE. THEY JUST DON'T SAY ANYTHING.

AND IT'S NOT LIKEI DON'T GIVE THEM THE INFOR THE APOLOGY EITHER.

I TOSS 'EM SOME NICE FAT SOFTBALLS, BELIEVE YOU ME.

"WOW-- WOW, HE CERTAINLY GAVE ME QUITE A START THERE--

"THAT DOG THAT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. WHEW!

"OH, BOY. ME A FELLOW HUMAN BEING WITH FEELINGS AND DIGNITY. WOW.

"AH, I'M SURE THAT HE WOULD APOLOGIZE IF HE COULD

"BUT AS HE LACKSTHE CAPACITY FOR SPEECH,

WHO WILL PICK UP THE BATON, I WONDER?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOTHING-- NOTHING. THEY SAY NOTHING.

WHAT'S WORST THAN SAYING NOTHING, IF THEY LOOK AT ME

AND GO SUPER CONDESCENDING-- IF THEY GO, "HE'S ALL RIGHT!"

I DON'T THINK HE'S ALL RIGHT AT ALL.

LIKE MY IDEA OF ALL RIGHT NEVER INCLUDES FANGS-- NEVER.

EVEN IF YOU WOKE ME OUT OF A SOUND SLEEP.

PAUL, EXPLAIN THE CONCEPT OF ALL RIGHT.

FANGS ARE PART OF IT.THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T THINKHE'S ALL RIGHT.

I THINK HE'S STRAINING AT THAT THIN CORD OF A LEASH

TO GET A TASTE OF MY SWEET NECK BLOOD, WHICH ONCE HE EATS

IT HE'LL NEVER WANT ANYTHING ELSE AGAIN.

I KNOW HOW IT WORKS, DOGS.

NOW, I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR DOG

BECAUSE HE'S YOUR PAL. HE'S YOUR BUDDY.

IT'S LIKE HE'S NOT EVEN A DOG ANYMORE

AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN A HUMAN. YOU'RE JUST FRIENDS.

WELL, LET'S SAY YOU HAD A HUMAN FRIEND

AND YOU AND YOUR HUMAN FRIENDWERE AT A BAR SOMEWHERE

AND THEN A STRANGER WALKED INTO THE BAR

AND YOUR HUMAN FRIEND TURNED TO THE STRANGER AND SAID,

- "I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU!" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T THINK YOU WOULD SAY,"HE'S ALL RIGHT."

YEAH, I BETYOU'D APOLOGIZE. I BET.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I'M HAPPY FOR THEM. THEY'RE HAVING THEIR KIDS.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL, PRECIOUS MOMENT.

BUT THERE'S ALWAYS THAT MOMENT WHERE YOUR NEW DAD FRIEND

WANTS TO PULL YOU ASIDEAND GET ALL PHILOSOPHICAL ON YOU

BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT HAVING A BABY HAS CHANGED HIS LIFE. RRR-EALLY?

OH, I THOUGHT IT WOULD JUST BE THE SAME.

YOU'RE SAYING IT'S DIFFERENT WITH A BABY?

THEY ALL HAVE THAT SAME SPEECH.

I'VE HEARD IT A MILLION TIMES NOW.

AND THEY DON'T REALIZE THEY'RE ALL THE SAME THING,

THEY THINK THEY'RE THE FIRST PEOPLE TO THINK OF IT.

IT'S LIKE THEY GET A SPEECH WITH THE BABY AT THE HOSPITAL. LIKE, HERE'S YOUR CHILD AND--

OH, BE SURE TO BORE EVERYONE YOU KNOW WITH THIS BECAUSE--

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]-- - THEY'LL WANNA HERE IT.

THIS IS MY IMPRESSION OF ALL NEW FATHERS.

I'VE HEARD THIS SAME RAP LIKE A MILLION TIMES NOW.

THIS IS ALL NEW FATHERS, "YEAH, MAN--

"I WAS HOLDING MY SONTHE OTHER DAY, YOU KNOW?

"JUST LOOKING AT HIM, LOOKING AT HIS FACE.

"I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD LOVE ANYTHING THIS MUCH, YOU KNOW?

"JUST LOOKING IN HIS EYES. I MADE THIS PERSON.

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"JUST LIKE, HOLDING HIM AND SMELLING HIS HEAD AND--

THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED I WOULD TAKE A BULLET FOR MY KID."

[LAUGHTER]

NOW WE DON'T KNOW THAT'S TRUE. IT'S A LOVELY THING TO SAY.

I'M SURE YOU THINKYOU MEAN IT AT THE TIME.

BUT WE HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING.

IT'S VERY UNLIKELY YOU'LL EVER BE PUT TO THE TEST.

'CAUSE LET'S SAY SOMEDAY IT COMES,

THE [BLEEP] GOES DOWN AND THE LED STARTS FLYING--

YOU MAY VERY WELL TEAR OFF THAT BJORN.

- "YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN! - [LAUGHTER]

- TRY TO CRAWL UNDER A CAR." - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

BUT LET'S SAY IT'S TRUE.LET'S SAY YOU KNOW 1,000 PERCENT

BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT. YOU KNOW THAT YOU WOULD TAKE A BULLET FOR YOUR CHILD.

LET ME ASK YOU THIS. WHY ARE SO MANY PEOPLE

TRYING TO ASSASSINATE YOUR BABY?

WHAT HAS HE DONE? IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO.

IS HE SOME CRAZY TYRANT BABY?

THERE NEEDS TO BE A REGIME CHANGE?

HE'S THE FIRST BABY ELECTED PRESIDENT

THROUGH A WEIRD LOOPHOLEIN THE CONSTITUTION?

OF COURSE, YOU'D VOTE FOR HIM

BECAUSE HIS CAMPAIGN POSTERS WOULD BE ADORABLE.

SEE HIS BIG CHEEKS. "OH-HO, I'M VOTING FOR THAT BABY."

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIS POLICIES.

"WHO CARES. HE HASN'TBEEN IN WASHINGTON LONG.

HE'S PROBABLY NOT CORRUPT."

I JUST WANT TO SEE THAT BABY PRESIDENT

JUST LIKE AT A BIG RALLY WITH THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE.

HE'S ON THE HIP OF A SECRET SERVICE AGENT, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

EVERYTHING LOOKS CLEAR,MR. PRESIDENT.

CLASSIC BABY LOOK-- LIKE NO SHIRT, JUST A DIAPER,

BIG, FAT BABY BELLY. SO PRECIOUS

AND HE'S THE PRESIDENT.

HE'S LIKE WAVING TO THE CROWD.

- HE'S KISSING OTHER BABIES. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT, SMALLER BABIES SO IT'S NOT WEIRD.

LIKE HE'S KISSING A LOT OF PREEMIES.

PEOPLE ALWAYS GET WEIRDED OUT WHEN I SAY PREEMIES.

THEY'RE NOT MONSTERS.THEY'RE JUST PREMATURE.

THEY'RE JUST EARLY. THAT'S WHAT PREEMIE MEANS.

THEY'RE EARLY. "OH, NO, I HEARD"PREEMIES WILL STILL YOUR BREATH

WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPIN'." NO, THEY WON'T-- THEY WON'T.

OH, THEY'D LIKE TO. BUT THEY'RE TOO WEAK.

THAT'S WHY THE PREEMIE ARMY WILL NEVER PREVAIL!

I DEFY YOU PREEMIE ARMY ON MASS AT MY GATES

YOU SHALL NOT WIN THIS DAY!

I WANNA SEE THAT MOVIE. PAUL VERSUS THE PREEMIE ARMY.

YEAH. I GIVE MYSELF A STARRING ROLE,

BUT I FIGURE I'M WRITINGTHE THING, SO WHAT NOT?

WHO BETTER TO BRING A VISION OF THE PREEMIE ARMY

- TO THE BIG SCREEN? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- I THINK THAT'S WHY. - [LAUGHTER]

LIKE, SOMETIMES I'LL OPEN UP MY WALLET AND I'LL SAY,

"HO, HO, HO, YOU HAVE HAD IT."

[LAUGHTER]

I LIKE GOING ON THE RIDES AND STUFF,

AND I LOVE ALL THAT GARBAGE YOU CAN BUY AT THE THEME PARK.

MY FAVORITE THING HAS GOTTA BE AT ALMOST EVERY THEME PARK,

THE SMASHED PENNY MACHINE. OH, WHAT COULD BE BETTER?

IT'S LIKE CATNIP TO ME.I CAN'T HELP MYSELF.

I HAVE PENNIES.I WANNA GET RID OF 'EM,

- AND I LIKE TO SMASH THINGS. - [LAUGHTER]

SMASHED PENNY IS GREAT. FOR JUST 51 CENTS YOU CAN GET

YOUR VERY OWN SMASHED PENNY. ALL IT COSTS IS 51 CENTS.

YOU GET A LITTLE DESIGN ON THE PENNY FOR JUST 51 CENTS.

LOOK, I'M FINE WITHPROVIDING MY OWN PENNY.THAT SEEMS FAIR.

BUT, 51 CENTS, YOU'RE TELLING ME

PENNY-SMASHING TECHNOLOGY IS SO COST PROHIBITIVE

I GOTTA COUGH UP FOUR BITS? C'MON.

SMASHED PENNY, THOUGH. IT'S-- IT'S WORTH IT, THOUGH.

I JOKE AROUND. IT'S WORTH IT, BECAUSE FOR JUST 51 CENTS

YOU GET YOURVERY OWN SMASHED PENNY.

OH, SMASHED PENNY, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOME GREAT TIMES, OLD FRIEND.

OH, SMASHED PENNY. I CAN'T WAIT TO GET YOU HOME,

TAKE YOU OUT OF MY POCKET AND PUT YOU ON THE DRESSER

- FOR THREE WEEKS. - [LAUGHTER]

YEAH. THEN YOU'RE GONNA MAKE YOUR WAY IN TO A SHOEBOX

FILLED WITH TICKET STUBS AND OLD KEYS

THAT DON'T FIT ANYTHING ANYMORE.SO LONG SMASHED PENNY.

- I'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME I MOVE.- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

NOW, USUALLY AT EVERY SMASHED PENNY STATION

YOU WILL FIND THE SMASHED PENNY WALLET.

THAT'S RIGHT. IT HOLDS UP TO 12 SMASHED PENNIES.

AND, I WANNA REMIND YOUTHAT IT IS A WALLET,

MEANING THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TOCARRY IT AROUND WITH YOU.

ONCE YOU GOT IT FULL OF SMASHED PENNIES--

THAT'S WHAT WALLET MEANS,DOESN'T IT? LAST TIME I CHECKED.

WHY? WHY WOULD YOU EVER HAVE THIS? WHY?

IS THIS FOR PEOPLE THAT ABSOLUTELY HAVE NO IDEA--

NO IDEA HOW TO START A CONVERSATION WITH A STRANGER?

LIKE, THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WHATSOEVER.

"WELL, I DON'T KNOWANYTHING ABOUT POLITICS,

"BUT LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

"HOW MANY SMASHED PENNIES HAVE YOU EVER SEEN

"IN ONE PLACE AT ONE TIME?

- "LESS THAN 12?- [LAUGHTER]

YOU MIGHT WANNA SIT DOWN."

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