Thomas, Kirson, Majumder, Byrne

  • Season 6, Ep 602
  • 12/21/2002

Alex Thomas explores changing technologies, Jessica Kirson talks about getting advice from her therapist mom, and Steve Byrne weighs in on Bruce Lee's personal life.

FAMILY.

AND, AH--

I LOVE MY FAMILY, BUT MY FAMILY

IS THE TYPE OF PEOPLE THAT NEVER

LET YOU FORGET ANYTHING YOU EVER

DID WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE.

ANYBODY'S FAMILY LIKE THAT?

YOU KNOW, JUST KEEP BRINGING

STUFF UP?

(APPLAUSE)

I WAS IN THE FIRST GRADE, RIGHT,

CHRISTMAS PLAY.

I'M PLAYING MARY, RIGHT?

NOW DURING THE COURSE OF THE

PLAY...

(LAUGHTER)

I DROPPED THE BABY JESUS,

ALL RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THEY ACT LIKE I DROPPED

THE BABY JESUS.

I MEAN, IT WASN'T EVEN A

REAL DOLL, IT WAS JUST A

MR. POTATO HEAD ROLLED UP IN A

TOWEL.

BUT THEY ACT LIKE I DROPPED

THE SAVIOR.

SO NOW THEY STILL TALK ABOUT

THIS.

YOU KNOW I GO TO MY FAMILY

REUNIONS.

ONE OF MY COUSINS JUST HAD A

BABY.

I'M LIKE, "OH, THAT'S A CUTE

LITTLE BABY, LET ME HOLD

THE BABY, LET ME SEE THE BABY."

AND MY AUNT RUNS OVER,

"DON'T YOU GIVE HER THAT BABY,

YOU KNOW SHE DROPPED THE BABY

JESUS."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

FIVE.

AWESOME.

ALL THE REST ARE STUDYING.

GOD, BLESS US.

GOD, BLESS US.

I'M ACTUALLY KOREAN AND IRISH

WHICH MAKES ME CAUCASIAN AND

ASIAN.

WHICH MAKES ME CAUCASIAN.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO I LIVE BY "MTV", HOME OF

MUSIC TELEVISION, BUT THEY DON'T

SHOW ANY MUSIC ON MUSIC

TELEVISION.

THE ONLY TIME THEY ACTUALLY

DO SHOW MUSIC IS DURING "TRL"

AND FOR SOME REASON, FOR A VIDEO

TO BE SHOWN, SOME LITTLE GIRL'S

GOTTA SCREAM HER EYEBALLS OUT OF

HER SOCKETS FOR A VIDEO TO BE

SHOWN.

SHE'S LIKE, "HI, MY NAME'S

TINA AND I'M FROM...

(BABBLING)

AHHHH!"

SHUT UP.

(APPLAUSE)

LADIES ARE HILARIOUS.

YOU WANNA SEE "GIRLS GONE WILD"?

THAT'S NOT "GIRLS GONE WILD".

"GIRLS GONE WILD" IS IN A DANCE

CLUB.

GET A GROUP OF GIRLS IN A DANCE

CLUB.

GIRLS ALWAYS TRAVEL IN PACKS

AND HERDS.

WHY, BECAUSE THERE'S SAFETY

IN NUMBERS.

IN EVERY GROUP OF GIRLS THERE'S

ALWAYS ONE THAT'S ALWAYS GETTING

HIT ON.

SHE'S THE TROPHY OF THE GROUP

AND THE OTHER GIRLS KNOW THAT

SO, THEY'RE THERE TO PROTECT

THEIR TROPHY.

YOU ALWAYS GET THAT WARNING FROM

THE SUPER-FRIEND WATCHDOG.

SHE'S GOTTA MARCH UP TO THE

FRONT, "AH, IT'S OKAY,

SEE BECKY'S GOT A BOYFRIEND,

YOU'RE NOT HIM, BYE-BYE,

WE'LL SEE YOU, BYE, BYE, BYE.

NO, SHE'S NOT HERE TO GET DRUNK

WITH YOU SO YOU PUT A LITTLE

PILL AND THEN RAPE HER, GET AWAY

FROM US, OKAY?

IS HE STILL THERE?

BACK UP, I'LL TRY TO BE NICE,

BACK UP.

(SOUND OF DOG BARKING)

"OKAY, OKAY, OKAY."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I LIKE WATCHING KUNG-FU

MOVIES...

HA, HA, HA, HA!

FIGURES.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU ALL BEEN SUCH A GREAT

AUDIENCE, FREE ACUPUNCTURE AFTER

THE SHOW ON ME.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW I NEVER FEEL BAD FOR THE

GUYS THAT FOUGHT BRUCE LEE.

I FELT BAD FOR LINDA LEE,

BRUCE LEE'S WIFE BECAUSE SHE HAD

SEX WITH THIS GUY NIGHT AFTER

NIGHT AFTER NIGHT.

SO HERE'S MY TAKE ON SEX IN THE

BRUCE LEE HOUSEHOLD.

"EXCUSE ME.

YOU HORNY.

AND YOU WOULD LIKE TO MAKE LOVE

TO ME ALL EVENING LONG?

NO PROBLEM.

BRING IT ON.

I AM PROPERLY TRAINED.

OOOH.

OOOH.

OOOOH.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I DIDN'T MEAN TO PUNCH THEM,

I'M SO SORRY.

I MAKE THEM FEEL GOOD.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

OOOH!

AHH!

DON'T TOUCH, I'M TENDER.

OKAY.

THANK YOU, GUYS, HAVE A