Thomas, Kirson, Majumder,Byrne

  • Season 6, Ep 602
  • 12/21/2002

FAMILY.

AND, AH--

I LOVE MY FAMILY, BUT MY FAMILY

IS THE TYPE OF PEOPLE THAT NEVER

LET YOU FORGET ANYTHING YOU EVER

DID WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE.

ANYBODY'S FAMILY LIKE THAT?

YOU KNOW, JUST KEEP BRINGING

STUFF UP?

(APPLAUSE)

I WAS IN THE FIRST GRADE, RIGHT,

CHRISTMAS PLAY.

I'M PLAYING MARY, RIGHT?

NOW DURING THE COURSE OF THE

PLAY...

(LAUGHTER)

I DROPPED THE BABY JESUS,

ALL RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THEY ACT LIKE I DROPPED

THE BABY JESUS.

I MEAN, IT WASN'T EVEN A

REAL DOLL, IT WAS JUST A

MR. POTATO HEAD ROLLED UP IN A

TOWEL.

BUT THEY ACT LIKE I DROPPED

THE SAVIOR.

SO NOW THEY STILL TALK ABOUT

THIS.

YOU KNOW I GO TO MY FAMILY

REUNIONS.

ONE OF MY COUSINS JUST HAD A

BABY.

I'M LIKE, "OH, THAT'S A CUTE

LITTLE BABY, LET ME HOLD

THE BABY, LET ME SEE THE BABY."

AND MY AUNT RUNS OVER,

"DON'T YOU GIVE HER THAT BABY,

YOU KNOW SHE DROPPED THE BABY

JESUS."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

CELL PHONES ARE NOW?

YOU BE LIKE--

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

HELLO?

WHAT'S UP, DAWG?

HEY, HOLLER BACK, HOLLER BACK,

HOLLER BACK.

BUT DOES ANYBODY REMEMBER,

EIGHT, NINE YEARS AGO.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

HELLO?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

CALL ME BACK, CALL ME BACK,

CALL ME BACK.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

DAMN, I HATE WHEN HE CALLS.

YOU KNOW I'M A BIG SPORTS FAN.

WHERE ARE THE SPORTS FANS HERE?

BASKETBALL FANS, WHERE YOU AT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE THING THAT KILLS ME RIGHT

NOW ABOUT SPORTS IS THE FASHION.

EVERYBODY KNOWS IT'S THE HIP-HOP

GENERATION.

SO YOU KNOW NOW THE THING IN

BASKETBALL IS LONG SHORTS,

SHORT SOCKS, RIGHT?

THIS YEAR, ABOUT FIVE GUYS

IN THE LEAGUE GOT FINED $5,500

APIECE.

ALAN IVERSON, KEVIN GARNETT,

KOBE, BECAUSE THEY WERE WEARING

THEIR SHORTS PAST THEIR KNEES.

DOES ANYBODY REMEMBER THE '70s

AND THE '80s?

(LAUGHTER)

BASKETBALL PLAYERS USED TO PLAY

IN SPEEDOS AND HALTER TOPS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU USED TO BE ABLE TO SEE THEIR

NIPPLES THROUGH THEIR JERSEYS.

I GOT A POSTER AT THE HOUSE

RIGHT NOW, 1979, DR. J. DUNKIN'

ON MAGIC JOHNSON LIKE THIS.

ONE BALL HANGING OUT THE BOTTOM

OF HIS SHORTS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

GUYS BACK ME UP ON THIS BEFORE I

GET OUT OF HERE BECAUSE I DON'T

WANT TO SOUND LIKE A PERVERT

OR NOTHING.

IT HAPPENED TO ME TODAY.

I WAS SHOPPING IN THE MALL.

ARE MANNEQUINS NOT FINE AS HELL,

NOW?

GOD, THEY LOOK REAL!

I'M IN MACY'S TRYING TO HOOK UP

WITH THIS GIRL.

SHE'S 5'11", GREEN EYES, I THINK

SHE HAD INDIAN IN HER FAMILY.

I WAS LIKE, DAMN, I TRIED TO,

YOU KNOW, GET MY LITTLE MAC

ON THEM.

"LET'S CRACK IT, GIRL,

ALL RIGHT?

HEY, LOOK, IT LOOK LIKE YOU

CAN'T REALLY TALK RIGHT NOW.

BABY, WHERE DO YOU LIVE?"

SHE'S LIKE.

(LAUGHTER)

I NOTICED THE CLASSIER

THE STORE, THE CLASSIER

THE MANNEQUIN.

YOU NOTICE THAT?

YOU KNOW, YOU GO TO STORES LIKE

NIEMAN MARCUS, MACY'S,

MANNEQUINS ARE WELL-KEPT,

SMELL GOOD, PERFECT POSTURE.

THEY IN THE WINDOW LIKE THEY GOT

BENEFITS.

YOU KNOW.

THEY IN THE WINDOW LIKE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT NOW THIS IS THE HIP-HOP

GENERATION.

YOU KNOW, BIGGER THAN EVER.

WE GOT BLACK CLOTHING DESIGNERS

MORE THAN EVER.

YOU KNOW, WE GOT THE ROCAWEAR,

THE SEAN JOHN, THE FUBU.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

WE GOT BLACK MANNEQUINS.

WE GOT GHETTO MANNEQUINS DOING

GHETTO THINGS.

THEY'RE IN THE WINDOW LIKE...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAU

WHAT A CROWD.

WELCOME.

HEY, NEW YORK.

THIS IS SO EXCITING.

(LAUGHTER)

(REGULAR VOICE) CAN YOU IMAGINE

IF I TALKED LIKE THAT THE WHOLE

TIME?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO MY MOTHER'S A THERAPIST,

YOU SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

I NEED CONSTANT ATTENTION,

24 HOURS A DAY MAKING FACES AND

VOICES.

AND, YOU KNOW SHE'S HELPED ME

OUT A LOT.

BUT YOU KNOW EVER TIME I'M ANGRY

AT ANYONE MY WHOLE LIFE,

SHE TELLS ME TO WRITE THEM A

LETTER?

DID YOU EVER HEAR THIS BEFORE?

GET THE ANGER OUT, TELL THEM HOW

I FEEL, BUT DON'T SEND IT?

YOU KNOW IT'S FOR ME,

IT'S A THERAPEUTIC LETTER.

SO I CALLED HER UP, AND I SAID,

"MOM, A BUM YELLED AT ME ON

THE STREET AND SAID SOMETHING

HORRIBLE TO ME."

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAYS TO ME?

"WRITE THE BUM A LETTER.

TELL THE BUM HOW YOU FEEL.

GET ALL THE RAGE OUT, JESSIE.

BUT DON'T SEND IT, IT'S FOR

YOU."

WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO SEND THE

LETTER, CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME

THAT?

SO I WROTE THE BUM A LETTER?

DO YOU WANNA HEAR IT?

I'M VERY VULNERABLE, THIS IS

VERY VULNERABLE.

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

THIS IS MORTIFYING BUT I'M GONNA

TEACH YOU HOW TO DO IT BECAUSE

IT WILL TEACH YOU HOW TO GET

IN TOUCH WITH YOUR ANGER.

THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING THOUGH,

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M DOING THIS

RIGHT NOW.

OKAY.

(LAUGHTER)

OKAY.

"DEAR BUM, YOU STARTLED ME.

I'M EASILY STARTLED.

PLEASE TRY AND CONSIDER MY

FEELINGS.

I'M SURE IT'S VERY DIFFICULT

TO LIVE ON THE STREET, NO SHOES,

PEEING ON YOURSELF, IN THE

WINTER.

BUT I HAVE ISSUES, TOO.

ONE TIME OUR AIR CONDITIONING

BROKE DOWN...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND I HAD TO GO TO THE COUNTRY

CLUB THAT DAY FEELING SWEATY

AND UNCLEANSED.

LISTENING TO MY GRANDMOTHER

JUDGE ME, AND THEN YOU JUDGE ME,

TOO.

I HOPE YOU TAKE THIS LETTER INTO

CONSIDERATION.

SINCERELY, THE GIRL YOU CALLED

SHAMU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

P.S. I WANT MY QUARTER BACK."

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

CAN YOU TELL?

(LAUGHING)

SO THIS PAST FLAG DAY I WENT TO

THE ICE CREAM SHOP TO PICK UP

THE CAKE AND IT'S LIKE THE GUY

KNOWS ME THERE.

HE'S LIKE, "HELLO, JESSICA.

HOW WAS YOU SINCE CANADIAN

THANKSGIVING?

HOW DID YOU ENJOY YOUR

ARMED FORCES DAY CAKE?

(LAUGHTER)

SO THE FIRST ONE ON LINE IS

UNBELIEVABLE, I REALLY WISH

I COULD ORDER A SUNDAE LIKE

THIS.

SHE'S ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE.

SO ASSERTIVE, IT'S AMAZING.

SHE'S LIKE,

"WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A SUNDAE

WITH PEANUTS, WALNUTS, CASHEWS,

PECANS, ALMOND, MACADAMIA NUTS,

AND GIVE ME SOME SPRINKLES

ON TOP, MAKE IT LOOK PRETTY!"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

MMM-HMM.

(APPLAUSE)

THAT'S RIGHT, CLAP.

CLAP!

GOD, SO MY FAMILY'S

INTIMIDATING, WE ALL HAVE TO--

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I GET INTIMIDATED BY PEOPLE

A LOT BUT I'M MOSTLY INTIMIDATED

BY ENGLISH CHILDREN.

CHILDREN FROM ENGLAND, SIR.

BECAUSE I THINK...

(LAUGHTER)

THAT THEY ALL SOUND LIKE THEY'RE

50.

DON'T THEY?

THEY'RE SO MATURE.

THEY'RE LIKE, "MOTHER, WOULD YOU

BURP ME PROMPTLY?"

"MOMMY, I'M FEELING QUITE

PIQUED, WILL YOU PLEASE INSERT

THAT MEASURING DEVICE INTO MY

ANUS?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA,

IT HAS COME TO ATTENTION,

ARE FRAUDULENT.

SOME OF THE BOOBIES ARE IMPOSTOR

BOOBIES.

BOOBIES THAT CAN'T BE TRUSTED.

OKAY, GIRLS, I DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHAT THE OBSESSION IS WITH THESE

GINORMOUS PROTRUDING MELONES--

GIRLS, I'M NO DR. PHIL, BUT YOU

DO NOT NEED HUGE, LIKE TO MAKE

YOURSELVES MORE OF A WOMAN--

WHAT IS WITH--

LOOK, YOU HAVE OTHER THINGS!

LOOK, YOU CAN HAVE SMALL

BOOBIES.

YOU'RE STILL A WOMAN.

YOU COULD BE FLAT,

YOU'RE STILL-- YOU COULD--

OKAY.

IF YOU'RE CONCAVE, THAT'S A BIT

WEIRD, I'D PROBABLY I PROBABLY

WOULD GET IT FIXED.

IF YOU'RE LYING ON YOUR BACK AT

PARTIES AND PEOPLE ARE EATING

M&M'S OUT OF YOUR BOOBIES,

THAT'S--

WHAT THE...

IF YOU'RE BEING PASSED AROUND

CHURCH AND PEOPLE ARE TOSSING

COINS IN YOUR BOOBIES FOR JESUS,

I DON'T KNOW, THAT'S NOT...

IF A SMALL JAMAICA IS PLAYING

HITS OF THE CARIBBEAN ON YOUR

BOOBIES...

THEN I'D GET IT FIXED.

(APPLAUSE)

LOS ANGELES IS VERY DIFFERENT.

ME AND MY FATHER WENT TO A

FETISH PARTY LAST WEEK.

IT WAS AWESOME.

WHATEVER, IT WAS FATHER/SON

FETISH NIGHT DOWN AT THE LEGION.

WE HAD A LITTLE TIME BEFORE

YOGA, SO WE'RE LIKE HEY.

WHATEVER.

IT WAS AN AWESOME PARTY,

AND THIS WOMAN WAS HITTING ME

WITH A PADDLE AND SHE WAS LIKE,

"WHO'S YOUR DADDY, WHO'S YOUR

DADDY?"

I WAS LIKE--

THAT GUY RIGHT OVER THERE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THAT GUY IN THE STIRRUPS

AND LEATHER SKI MASK.

TEN MINUTES, DAD, WE'LL JET.

ALL RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU GUYS ARE A WONDERFUL CROWD.

CANADA LOVES NEW YORK, I'LL TELL

YOU THAT.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU THIS, THOUGH,

I'M REALLY-- I WANT SOMETHING

TO HAPPEN, BUT I DON'T KNOW IF

IT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

I REALLY HOPE THEY FINALLY, IN

THE NEXT TEN YEARS OR WHATEVER,

FINALLY GET PHONE SEX FOR WHITE

TRASH TRAILER PARK WOMEN.

WHY IS IT NOT OUT THERE NOW?

I THINK IT WOULD BE FANTASTIC.

(PHONE RINGS)

"HEY, LADIES, HOW'S IT GOING?

THIS HERE'S GUS.

I'M REALLY GLAD YOU'S CALLED.

I KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLY TIRED OUT

FROM HANGING AROUND THE TRAILER

AND EATING CHEESIES AND WATCHING

"SPRINGER".

BUT I'M HERE NOW TO MAKE YOU

FEEL GOOD.

SO YOU JUST LIE BACK ON THAT AIR

MATTRESS OF YOURS AND KICK OFF

THOSE CIGARETTE STAINED SLIPPERS

AND GET LOST IN GUS'S SOOTHING

VOICE.

(HACKS PHLEGM)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I MOVE IN SLOWLY AND I TAKE YOUR

FACE AND I KISS YOU ON THE

MOUTH.

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE THE

TASTE OF SMOKE, BOOZE, AND

VICKS VAPOR RUB.

WHAT'S THAT, HONEY, YOU WANT

THE LIGHTS OUT?

OKAY, HANG ON.

HA-HA!

GET IT?

LISTEN, YOU GUYS ROCK 'N ROLL

FIVE.

AWESOME.

ALL THE REST ARE STUDYING.

GOD, BLESS US.

GOD, BLESS US.

I'M ACTUALLY KOREAN AND IRISH

WHICH MAKES ME CAUCASIAN AND

ASIAN.

WHICH MAKES ME CAUCASIAN.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO I LIVE BY "MTV", HOME OF

MUSIC TELEVISION, BUT THEY DON'T

SHOW ANY MUSIC ON MUSIC

TELEVISION.

THE ONLY TIME THEY ACTUALLY

DO SHOW MUSIC IS DURING "TRL"

AND FOR SOME REASON, FOR A VIDEO

TO BE SHOWN, SOME LITTLE GIRL'S

GOTTA SCREAM HER EYEBALLS OUT OF

HER SOCKETS FOR A VIDEO TO BE

SHOWN.

SHE'S LIKE, "HI, MY NAME'S

TINA AND I'M FROM...

(BABBLING)

AHHHH!"

SHUT UP.

(APPLAUSE)

LADIES ARE HILARIOUS.

YOU WANNA SEE "GIRLS GONE WILD"?

THAT'S NOT "GIRLS GONE WILD".

"GIRLS GONE WILD" IS IN A DANCE

CLUB.

GET A GROUP OF GIRLS IN A DANCE

CLUB.

GIRLS ALWAYS TRAVEL IN PACKS

AND HERDS.

WHY, BECAUSE THERE'S SAFETY

IN NUMBERS.

IN EVERY GROUP OF GIRLS THERE'S

ALWAYS ONE THAT'S ALWAYS GETTING

HIT ON.

SHE'S THE TROPHY OF THE GROUP

AND THE OTHER GIRLS KNOW THAT

SO, THEY'RE THERE TO PROTECT

THEIR TROPHY.

YOU ALWAYS GET THAT WARNING FROM

THE SUPER-FRIEND WATCHDOG.

SHE'S GOTTA MARCH UP TO THE

FRONT, "AH, IT'S OKAY,

SEE BECKY'S GOT A BOYFRIEND,

YOU'RE NOT HIM, BYE-BYE,

WE'LL SEE YOU, BYE, BYE, BYE.

NO, SHE'S NOT HERE TO GET DRUNK

WITH YOU SO YOU PUT A LITTLE

PILL AND THEN RAPE HER, GET AWAY

FROM US, OKAY?

IS HE STILL THERE?

BACK UP, I'LL TRY TO BE NICE,

BACK UP.

(SOUND OF DOG BARKING)

"OKAY, OKAY, OKAY."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I LIKE WATCHING KUNG-FU

MOVIES...

HA, HA, HA, HA!

FIGURES.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU ALL BEEN SUCH A GREAT

AUDIENCE, FREE ACUPUNCTURE AFTER

THE SHOW ON ME.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW I NEVER FEEL BAD FOR THE

GUYS THAT FOUGHT BRUCE LEE.

I FELT BAD FOR LINDA LEE,

BRUCE LEE'S WIFE BECAUSE SHE HAD

SEX WITH THIS GUY NIGHT AFTER

NIGHT AFTER NIGHT.

SO HERE'S MY TAKE ON SEX IN THE

BRUCE LEE HOUSEHOLD.

"EXCUSE ME.

YOU HORNY.

AND YOU WOULD LIKE TO MAKE LOVE

TO ME ALL EVENING LONG?

NO PROBLEM.

BRING IT ON.

I AM PROPERLY TRAINED.

OOOH.

OOOH.

OOOOH.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I DIDN'T MEAN TO PUNCH THEM,

I'M SO SORRY.

I MAKE THEM FEEL GOOD.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

OOOH!

AHH!

DON'T TOUCH, I'M TENDER.

OKAY.

THANK YOU, GUYS, HAVE A

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