Potagooo

  • Season 2, Ep 6
  • 10/10/2014

Adam welcomes Crystian Ramirez, Billy Bonnell and Kevin Christy to his house party.

REALLY GET IN THERE.MY PORES ARE GIGANTIC.

THEY'RE, LIKE, THIS BIG. THEY'RELIKE LITTLE BUCKETS ON MY F--

- WHAT'S UP, ADAM?- GET THE [bleep] AWAY FROM ME.

HEY, GUYS.WELCOME TO MY BAR.

IT'S PRETTY COOL, RIGHT?

JUST COME ON IN.MAKE YOURSELVES AT HOME.

BUT BEFORE YOU DO THAT,A QUICK POP QUIZ.

BILLY, WHAT ISYOUR FAVORITE VEGETABLE?

- CUCUMBERS.- REALLY?

WHEN YOU THINK OF NEW ORLEANS--

LIKE, A NEW ORLEANS-SPECIFICVEGETABLE, YOU THINK OF...

- OKRA?- POTATOES, EXACTLY.

- BILLY--BILLY SAID "OKRA."

- DID HE?I HEARD "POTATOES."

- OKAY.- JUST GO WITH IT.

- OKAY.- HI.

I'M TV'S ADAM DEVINE,AND WHEN I'M ABOUT TO EXERCISE--

WHICH IS OFTEN, RIGHT LADIES?[laughs]

I REACH FORTHE HEALTHIEST VEGETABLE AROUND.

POTAGOOO IS

THE WORLD'S FIRST VERTICAL,JOGGING POTATO.

THAT'S RIGHT.YOU TAKE IT ON THE GO!

MMM.

MMM, POTAGOOO.

TASTES LIKE...

MMM.

- AND CUT!- [screams]

[theme music plays]

LIKE, MY GIRL RIGHT NOW, LIKE,I LOVE HER, BUT WE BROKE UP.

AND THENWE GOT BACK TOGETHER,

WHICH WAS VERY AWKWARD,BECAUSE I BROKE UP WITH HER.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS KNOW,WHEN YOU TREAT A GIRL BAD,

THEY HAVE THIS FRIENDTHAT THEY TELL EVERYTHING TO,

AND THAT FRIEND TELLSHUNDREDS OF OTHER PEOPLE.

THAT FRIEND IS CALLED TWITTER.

I DON'T IF YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS,GUYS.

VERY--I DON'T LIKE THIS GUY.HORRIBLE.

WOMEN, THEY TURN INTO, LIKE,POLITICIANS WHEN YOU TREAT 'EM--

THEY HAVE SMEAR CAMPAIGNS.

THEY HAVE,LIKE, MEMES, PICTURES.

THEY HAVE A WHOLE TEAM THATPUTS YOUR NAME IN THE MUD.

LIKE, IT'S BAD.AS SOON AS I BROKE UP WITH HER,

SHE WAS LIKE--SHE WENT ON TWITTER.

SHE WAS LIKE, "HEY, LADIES.

"DON'T YOU HATE ITWHEN YOU TAKE IN AN INSECURE,

"LOW SELF-ESTEEM DUDE AND GIVEHIM GOOD CLOTHES AND FOOD

"'CAUSE HE'S FRAIL, AND ALLOF A SUDDEN--ALL OF A SUDDEN,

HE DOESN'T NEED YOU ANYMORE#CRYSTIANRAMIREZ?"

I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.OKAY, WHAT?"

[laughter]

I LIKE--I LIKEDOING A LOT OF [bleep].

LIKE, THIS--[laughs]THIS IS THE THING.

I THINK I HAVE, LIKE, A TYPE,THOUGH. I HAVE, LIKE, A TYPE.

'CAUSE MY GIRL NOW IS FROMTHE AFRICAN COUNTRY OF LIBERIA.

THE ONE BEFORE THAT WAS HAITIAN.

I'M STARTING TO THINKI GOT A PREFERENCE FOR GIRLS

WHOSE COUNTRY'SGOING THROUGH TURMOIL.

LIKE, THAT'S MY THING, MAN.

I'M LIKE, OH, WORD.YOU AIN'T GOT NO CLEAN WATER?

LIKE, THAT'S HOW I GET OFF.LIKE, MMM.

MMM.

THE U.N. SENT YOUA CARE PACKAGE? THAT IS--

[laughs]

JUST LIKE DOING THAT.THAT'S VERY FUN.

JUST WIN A ARGUMENT WITH A LIE?

GOOD TIMES.

YOU COULD JUST B.S. YOUR WAYTHROUGH A CONVERSATION,

AND NO ONE COULD SAY ANYTHING.THEY WOULD JUST BE LIKE,

"I GUESS HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH.

I AM NOT GOING TO THE LIBRARYTO LOOK THAT UP."

AND IF A DEBATE EVER GOTREALLY HEATED IN THE '90s

AND PEOPLE WANTED TO FIND OUTIF YOU WERE TELLING THE TRUTH,

THEY WOULD JUST BE LIKE,"DO YOU SWEAR TO GOD?"

[laughter and applause]

AND IF YOU DID SWEAR TO GOD,IT WAS THE ULTIMATE AFFIRMATION.

EVERYONE WOULD BE LIKE,"RELAX. WE BELIEVE YOU NOW.

"NO WAY YOU'D BRING GODINTO THIS

IF YOU WERE LYINGTHROUGH YOUR TEETH."

THAT'S SO MUCH HARDER NOW.

YOU FAST-FORWARDTO THE PRESENT DAY.

YOU SAY ANYTHING REMOTELY CRAZY,

YOU FRIEND'S ALREADYON HIS CELL PHONE GOING,

"KEEP TALKING, DUDE.

"THAT SOUNDS SUSPECT.

"I'M ABOUT TO PROVE YOU WRONGINSTANTLY

IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLEAT BUFFALO WILD WINGS."

IT'S TOUGHER TO LIE NOW.YOU CAN STILL DO IT.

YOU JUST GOT TO USE OTHER STUFFTO BACK YOU UP.

LIKE, FOR INSTANCE,IF I TOLD YOU SOMETHING LIKE,

"DID YOU GUYS KNOW THATTHE LONGEST BEAVER DAM

"ON THE PLANETIS 2,800 FEET LONG?

"AND THAT'S ROUGHLY THE DISTANCEOF THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE?

"AND IT WAS BUILTBY A SINGLE BEAVER

"THAT WAS GIVEN COCAINE

"OVER THE PERIOD OF ONE YEARBY STUDENTS

AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA?"

SOME OF YOU MIGHT BE SKEPTICAL,

BUT BEFORE YOU COULDGET TOO SKEPTICAL,

I'D BE LIKE, "WELL,IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,

THEN GOOGLE ME, BITCH."

AND THEN EVERYONE WOULD BE LIKE,"RELAX. WE BELIEVE YOU NOW.

"NO WAY YOU'D BRING GOOGLEINTO THIS

IF YOU WERE LYINGTHROUGH YOUR TEETH."

[cheers and applause]

I LIKE THE FUTURE. PEOPLE DON'TEVEN DRINK COFFEE ANYMORE.

- OKAY.- POTAGOOO SESSIONS, TAKE ONE.

- THIS IS HIP-HOP RAPPER JAY Z,AND WHEN I GO JOGGING

WITH MY WIFE, BEYONCE KNOWLES,WE ALWAYS PACK POTAGOOOS,

THE VERTICAL, JOGGING POTATO.

MMM.TASTES LIKE...MMM.

- I LOVE THAT.CONTINUE.

- HI. I'M ACTOR-LESBIANDANIEL DAY-LEWIS,

AND WHEN I PLAYEDLIEUTENANT ABRAHAM LINCOLN,

ALL I ATE WAS POTAGOOOS.

MMM.BLACK PEOPLE RULE. MMM.

- IF YOU COULD JUST GO AHEAD

AND SCREAM "POTAGOOO" ONCEFOR ME.

- POTAGOOO!- DID WE GET THAT LAST ONE?

INTERN ALLISON, IF YOU COULD GOAHEAD AND STEP INTO THE BOOTH.

AND ACTION.- HONEY, I'M HOME.

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?- CARROTS.

- I HATE CARROTS,AND YOU KNOW THAT.

[creaking sound effect]

- I CAN MAKE YOU SOMETHING ELSE.

- HOW MANY TIMESDO I HAVE TO SAY IT?

I WANT A POTAGOOO.

[chain saw, woman screaming,and dog barking sound effects]

- I'M SORRY.PUT DOWN THE GUN.

[gunfire and woman screamingsound effects]

- HURRY, WOMAN.THIS FEELS WRONG. I DON'T--

- NO, THIS FEELS SO RIGHT.KEEP GOING.

- HERE.HERE'S YOUR DELICIOUS POTAGOOO.

- THANK YOU.I LOVE YOU AGAIN.

YOU CAN'T PUT THISON THE RADIO.

- ♪ WHEN YOU WANTA BAKED POTATO ♪

♪ BUT DON'T HAVE TIMETO EAT IT ♪

♪ POTAGOOO, POTAGOOO

♪ JUST STICK IN A STRAWAND SUCK IT ♪

- WE'RE GONNA BE RICH.

[cheers and applause]

I KNOW THAT'S NOTA POPULAR THING TO SAY.

WE'RE MAD AT THEM ALL THE TIME.I'M NOT.

I LOVE 'EM.I LOVE RICH PEOPLE.

I LOVE THEM SPECIFICALLYAT A COMEDY SHOW.

I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

'CAUSE YOU CAN MAKE FUN OF 'EMRIGHT TO THEIR FACE,

AND THEY DON'T CARE,'CAUSE THEY'VE ALREADY WON.

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

LIKE, THEY DON'T LAUGHAT THE JOKE.

THEY LAUGH AT THE IDEA THATI THOUGHT I COULD HURT THEM

WITH IT IN ANY WAY.

THEY'LL BE LIKE,"OH, MAN, YOU'RE FUNNY

"WITH YOUR WORDSAND WHATNOT.

I OWN LAND.IT'S DIFFERENT, HOMIE."

LIKE, THERE'LL BE, LIKE,A RICH GUY IN THE FRONT ROW.

I'LL BE LIKE, "OH, MAN. LOOKAT THIS RICH GUY. HE SUCKS."

AND HE WON'T GET MAD.HE'LL JUST LAUGH

LIKE AN EVIL, '80s-MOVIE,RICH-GUY LAUGH AT ME.

LIKE,"[laughs exaggeratedly]

"I JUST BOUGHT YOUR HOUSEWITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION,

"YOU POOR PIECE OF GARBAGE.

"AND I'M ONLY GONNA USE ITTO TAKE DUMPS.

"DO YOU UNDERSTANDWHAT I'M SAYING?

"YOUR DREAM HOMEHAS BECOME MY TOILET.

"I'M GONNA USE IT TO TAKE DUMPSAND STORE EMPTY AMAZON BOXES

"FOR STUFF I DIDN'T EVEN NEEDIN THE FIRST PLACE.

I JUST CLICK 'BUY.'I'M FRIENDS WITH THE MAYOR."

MY NAME IS KEVIN CHRISTY.THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH.