Mike Lawrence describes fights with homeless people, the best part of working at McDonald's and seeing "Spaceballs" before "Star Wars."
So let's-- let's be reallyhonest here.
You can tell thatI've lived
a rough life, all right?
It's hard to look
like a virginbut also look like you just
buried your wifeat the same time.
I call that multitasking.
Like, half of me is like,
"Where are theregonna be g-g-g-g-g-girls?"
And the other half is like,"I miss you, Elizabeth.
"I will bury youin the angry sea
from whence you came."
And I know I've liveda rough life,
because a couple weeks ago,
I got in a fightwith a homeless guy
who thought I wasanother homeless guy.
And luckilythey pulled him away from me,
'cause I would have died,'cause pretty much
every time he hit me,
I just looked more homeless.
And I would bethe worst homeless guy.
I'd be the guyon the street who's like,
(slurring):"Ladies and gentlemens,
"can someoneplease give me $24.95
"so I can purchasethe Criterion edition
"of The Royal Tenenbaums?
I'll suck your (bleep)for Blu-ray."
It's better picture quality,it's worth it.
I, uh, I docomedy clubs sometimes
and they do comment cards there.
And one time, someone wroteon a comment card,
"My favorite comedianof the night
was the Ginger Beard Man."
Which I was okay with,
'cause it's the firstnickname I've been given
that doesn't rhymewith "uckface."
But the thing is,Ginger Beard Man
just sounds likea horrible fairy tale
that hipsters pass onto their children.
"as fast as you can.
"I'll gentrify you,
I'm the Ginger Beard Man."
"I'm all organicand also ve-gan,
I haven't been happysince Pinkerton."
I think I just tooksomeone's night back.
"I'm doing it, Sex in the City, why am I an adult man
referencing Sex in the City?" moment.
And I finally got it
when I shat my pantson the subway.
I was.., I was verygrumbly in my tumbly,
like Winnie the Pooh.
Emphasis on the "pooh."
Uh, and the worst part was,
I was on my wayto a job interview.
So I had to clean myself up.
I went to this free
public restroom service,
Starbucks, that they have.
And there was no toilet paper,
so I had to use
my job résuméto clean myself up.
'Cause that's whatMacGyver would do.
I show up to the interview20 minutes late,
and the guy's like,"Uh, you're late
and you don't have a résumé."
And I was like,
(stilted):"I'm sorry, sir.
"What happened was,I shat my pants
"and I just want you to know
"that that's the kindof honesty and integrity
"that I will bringto your Pinkberry store
if you hire me."
I had a stepdadgrowing up.
Any stepdads inthe audience tonight?
No, must be a Little League gamegoing on. Uh...
I feel bad for stepdadsbecause there's-there's no day
to honor them--we have Father's Day,
and we should haveStepfather's Day.
And we could have funStepfather's Day games
like Pin the Blame on Yourself.
And-and we could haveStepfather's Day greeting cards,
like, "Now that the dadI love is gone,
thanks for being thereto (bleep) my mom."
But you put it in Comic Sans.It's adorable. You got to...
soften the blow.
I, uh... I worked at, uh,McDonald's for seven years.
That's a thing I did.
You didn't clap at that,so you must like me.
No, don't-don't start.
Unless your name is Wendyand you own Wendy's.
Then you can. Uh...
But I did... I'm... I'm probably
the most successfulMcDonald's employee ever
just by being aliveright now. Uh...
'Cause, man, I... Someof my coworkers were insane.
Like, one of my coworkerswas an amputee named Stumpy.
His favorite Creed songwas "Arm Wide Open."
The joke there is that someone
would have a favoriteCreed song.
But I remember one timeStumpy was like,
"You know how much (bleep) I get
now that I only have one arm?"
And I was like, "How much?"And he goes,
But that's still pretty good."
Which is how I learnedabout optimism.
But I'll--I'll--I'll be honestwith you guys.
I'm not good at the sex.
And not just'cause I call it "the sex."
I'm working on a book right now,
The Fifty Shades of Un(bleep)able.
The truth is, like,
I just... I'm not...I'm not good with women.
Um, I remember, uh,this one time I went on a date.
Just once. Um... a-and the girltook me back to her place,
and we were playing Scrabble,
and I was kicking her(bleep) coccyx.
It's right near the assbut worth a lot more points.
In it to win it.
And she was like,"I hope you don't mind,
but I'm gonna cheat right now,"
takes out a bag of cocaine,
and just starts snorting itin front of me.
And I was like, "Hey,d-do you want to make out now?"
And she's like, "I don't thinkwe'll be doing that tonight."
And I thought to myself,
"How did I end upwith the only coke prude
"in New York City?
"Is it an open-nose,closed-vag policy
that someoneisn't telling me about?"
But then she startedmasturbating in front of me,
and I was like, "Hey,d-do you want me to join?"
And she was like, "No,I just want you to watch."
So I didbecause I'm a gentleman.
And she was grinding down there.
It looked like she was wasdrunk-dialing on a rotary phone.
She looked like she was playing"Free Bird" on Guitar Hero
on Expert, just unlockingevery achievement possible.
I love when I get to do thistowards the front
'cause then they get to feel
like they'rein the Splash Zone at SeaWorld.
But I know-- I know you guys are thinking--
You're looking at me,you're going, oh man.
That guy's a regular MC(bleep) magnet." And, no,
that's just my '80s rapper name.
And I'm gonna prove this to you.
I wrote...I wrote some pickup lines.
Um, ma'am, is it okay if I trysome pickup lines on you?
Can you say it loud enoughso it's consensual?
Okay, you ready?All right, here we go.
Let's get into it.(exhales)
My dick's like Nicolas Cage.
Because it'll be in anything.
You can't hearwhat she's saying,
but I'm pretty sure it's...
Okay, here we go. Here we go.
That means I'm straight enoughto notice a beautiful woman.
But gay enough to treat herlike a person.
That's for my feminist majors.
Put a ring on it.
Ready? Okay.Let's get right into it.
She's smiling but cryingat the same time.
It's like The Diary of Lisa Frank.
Okay. Here we go.
That's it. No. Good night.
And I just jump backinto the screen. No.
Okay, here we go. Here we go.
(chuckles)You look like Andy Dufresne
in Shawshank. "Let this end!"
(à la Morgan Freeman):"There was a sad girl in thefront row of the audience..."
"You either start gyratingor stop crying."
Okay. Here we go.
It'll be just like one ofmy childhood birthday parties.
Because nobody (bleep).