McCaffrey, Patterson, Fairbanks, Gopman

  • Season 7, Ep 703
  • 12/12/2003

Tom McCaffrey manipulates his genitalia, James Patterson attacks astrology, Chris Fairbanks describes a flashlight infomercial, and Lisa Gopman breaks her boyfriend's ribs.

RESTAURANTS HERE BUT EVERYTHING

REAL EXCLUSIVE HERE.

YOU GOT TO KNOW SOMEBODY TO GET

IN.

LIKE ALWAYS THE DAMN VELVET ROPE

FOR EVERY DAMN THING.

I WENT TO THE BATHROOM, YOU GOT,

YOU ON A LIST?

[LAUGHTER]

NAH, BUT I'M GONNA BE ON YOUR

SHOES IF YOU DON'T MOVE OUT OF

MY DAMN WAY I BET YOU THAT.

AND YOU GUYS HAVE SOME BEAUTIFUL

WOMEN, DON'T THEY, DON'T THEY?

I MEAN THESE WOMEN...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AH!

THIS IS THE...

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU ALL

BUT WHEN YOU A MAN THIS IS

THE BEST TIME OF YEAR WITH

SUNDRESSES, AND SHORTS AND

SANDALS.

OF COURSE NOT EVERY WOMAN

CAN WEAR SANDALS.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S...

SOME OF Y'ALL NEED TO WEAR BOOTS

ALL THE DAMN TIME.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER SEE A WOMAN WITH FEET

WITH SANDALS, LOOK LIKE SHE CAN

PICK (BLEEP) UP WITH IT?

[LAUGHTER]

AND SOME WOMAN BE SLICK,

LIKE THEY LOVE THE SANDAL

BUT IT'S TOO SMALL BUT THEY

AIN'T GONNA LET THAT STOP 'EM.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY WEAR A TEN BUT GET

AN EIGHT.

AND TRY TO WALK SO YOU DON'T

EVER SEE THAT.

AHHHH!

[CHEERING]

OKAY, COOL, EVERYBODY.

GREAT.

UM, I JUST BROKE UP WITH

THIS GIRL AND SHE WAS REALLY

INTO SEX GAMES.

LIKE, UH, THERE'S THIS ONE

SHE USED TO LIKE TO PLAY

ALL THE TIME.

IT WAS CALLED "SLEEP WITH

MY FRIEND RALPH".

I AH...

[LAUGHTER]

IT WAS REALLY HOT, SO I HEARD.

I SAW THE VIDEO.

IT LOOKED LIKE RALPH WAS HAVING

A GREAT TIME.

I, AH...

SWEET.

YOU GUYS INTO MOVIES?

YOU GUYS LIKE MOVIES?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M A BIG MOVIE FAN, TOO.

I WAS WATCHING A COP MOVIE

RECENTLY.

YOU EVER NOTICE IN LIKE EVERY

SINGLE COP MOVIE LIKE HALF WAY

THROUGH THE MOVIE THERE'S ALWAYS

A SCENE WHERE LIKE THE MAIN

DUDE-- THE COP WILL GET SHOT?

AND THEN HE'LL FALL LIKE

TEN STORIES OUT OF A BUILDING

AND THEN HE'LL BE LIKE, "AHH,

I'M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I'M LIKE, WAS THERE A TIME

WHERE THAT WAS OKAY?

LIKE I THINK THAT'S BAD AT

ANY POINT IN YOUR LIFE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

HAS ANYBODY EVER BEEN SHOT

AND BEEN LIKE, OH, MY GOD.

I'M EXACTLY THE RIGHT AGE

FOR THIS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

SWEET.

SO I WAS READING THE NEWSPAPER

RECENTLY.

I WAS READING ABOUT THIS DUDE

WHO GOT BUSTED MASTURBATING

AT A PORNO THEATER.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YEAH, GIVE IT UP FOR HIM.

NO, DON'T GIVE IT UP FOR HIM

ACTUALLY.

HE'S HERE TONIGHT.

UM...

BUT THEY WERE INTERVIEWING

THE SHERIFF THAT ARRESTED HIM,

AND THE WAY HE DESCRIBED WHAT

THE GUY WAS DOING WHEN HE CAUGHT

HIM IS HE WAS LIKE, "YES,

I CAUGHT HIM MANIPULATING

HIS GENITALIA.

YES."

AND I WAS LIKE MANIPULATING

HIS GENITALIA?

LIKE I DON'T THINK THAT'S A VERY

ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF

MASTURBATING, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE THAT'S LIKE IMPLYING THAT

I'M LIKE LYING TO MY GENITALIA

OR LIKE TRICKING IT INTO DOING

THAT WHICH LIKE I HAVE NEVER

DONE.

I NEVER BEEN LIKE, "HEY,

GENITALIA.

YOU WANT TO JUST LIKE, HANG OUT

ON THE COUCH TONIGHT, WATCH

A MOVIE?

I'M NOT GOING TO TRY ANYTHING.

IT'S TOTALLY COOL, YOU KNOW.

I'M REALLY TIRED."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AND THEN I'LL BE LIKE "AH-HA!

I GOT YOU, GENITALIA.

YOU FELL RIGHT INTO MY TRAP.

NOW GET OVER HERE AND TAKE

WHAT'S COMING TO YOU, YOU WEAK

MINDED, SO EASILY MANIPULATED

GENITALIA."

I DON'T THINK THAT'S ACCURATE,

RIGHT, BECAUSE I USUALLY FEEL

LIKE IT'S THE OTHER WAY AROUND,

YOU KNOW?

LIKE MY GENITALIA'S MANIPULATING

ME INTO DOING THAT.

YOU KNOW?

LIKE I'LL BE IN THE SHOWER,

YOU KNOW, AND I'LL BE LIKE,

"WHAT, GENITALIA?"

I'LL BE LIKE...

STUPIDITY.

I WAS HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH

THIS MANAGER AND HE TOLD ME THAT

EVENTUALLY I WAS GOING TO HAVE

TO CHANGE MY NAME BECAUSE OF

JAMES PATTERSON, THE FAMOUS

WRITER.

SO, JUST AS A JOKE, I SAID

TO HIM, "OH, WELL, WHAT IF I

JUST WENT WITH JAMES JOYCE?"

[LAUGHTER]

AND HE WAS LIKE, "YEAH, YEAH.

OKAY.

I LIKE THAT.

I LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT."

YEAH.

THIS GIRL I'M FRIENDS WITH,

IS REALLY INTO THIS NEW AGE

BIGOTRY CALLED ASTROLOGY.

'CAUSE THAT'S ALL ASTROLOGY

IS REALLY.

IT'S JUST GENERALIZATIONS.

LIKE SHE WENT OUT WITH THIS GUY

AND SHE'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW,

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WE WENT OUT, WE HAD A REALLY

NICE TIME, AND HE SAID HE WAS

GOING TO CALL AND HE DIDN'T.

HE JUST LIED.

HE'S JUST A LIAR.

HE'S JUST...

HE'S SUCH A GEMINI."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I WAS LIKE, "OKAY, WHAT DOES

THAT HAVE TO DO WITH IT?"

AND SHE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS

NUTS.

SHE WAS LIKE, "GEMINI, SIGN OF

THE TWIN.

THEY ARE TWO-FACED AND THEY'RE

LIARS."

AND I WAS THINKING, "YEAH,

THERE'S A NICE LITTLE STEREOTYPE

FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S JUST WHAT WE

NEED, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

HUMANS HAVEN'T JUST MADE UP

ENOUGH REASONS TO HATE ONE

ANOTHER.

NO.

ALONG WITH RACE, NATIONALITY,

GENDER, SEXUAL PREFERENCE,

RELIGIOUS OR CULTURAL

DIFFERENCES, NOW, JUST IF YOU'RE

BORN IN JUNE, YOU'RE A PRICK."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I ACTUALLY, I HAVE A LOT OF GOOD

IDEAS INVOLVING MURDER...

IN THE BODY DISPOSAL AREA

IN PARTICULAR.

THAT'S WHERE I'M REALLY STRONG,

BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE MURDERERS

MAKE A LOT OF BIG MISTAKES,

YOU'LL FIND.

GETTING RID OF THE BODIES,

THEY ALWAYS TRY THE SAME STUPID

THINGS LIKE THEY THROW IT IN

THE LAKE AND THEN IT FLOATS UP.

OR THEY TRY TO BURY IT

SOMEWHERE, AND THE BIGGEST

PROBLEM YOU FACE WHEN BURYING

A BODY IS THE ELEMENT OF FRESH

DIRT.

IT'S A CLEAR SIGN SOMETHING'S

BURIED THERE; IT GIVES YOUR SPOT

AWAY.

WELL, I HAVE THE SOLUTION TO

THIS PROBLEM.

HERE'S MY ADVICE TO MURDERERS.

IF YOU HAVE TO GET RID OF A

BODY, YOU TAKE IT TO A CEMETERY

AND YOU FIND A FRESH GRAVE

FROM LIKE A FUNERAL THAT DAY.

SO THERE'S ALREADY FRESH DIRT

THERE, PLUS THE DIRT'S ALREADY

NICE AND LOOSE WHICH MAKES

FOR A NICE, EASY DIGGIN'.

YOU KNOW.

WORK SMARTER, NOT HARDER.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND YOU JUST THROW HIM RIGHT IN

THE COFFIN WITH THE OTHER GUY.

THEY WILL NEVER FIND IT THERE.

THERE'S NO PUNCH LINE.

THAT'S JUST AN UNBELIEVABLY

GOOD IDEA.

ALRIGHT, GUYS.

THAN, LIKE EAST.

TULSA, I'VE BEEN TO TULSA.

I'M FROM MONTANA ORIGINALLY.

[WHOO!]

WOW.

EVEN THIS AUDIENCE.

I MOVED TO TEXAS AND EVERYONE

THERE THOUGHT IT WAS OKAY

TO APOLOGIZE FOR ME.

I'M FROM MONTANA.

IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE."

"WOW, MONTANA.

I'M SORRY.

WHAT'S IT LIKE INHABITING

A VAST WASTELAND, BY YOURSELF,

IN A CABIN, WITH YOUR FAMILY,

SLEEPING IN A COT, GRANDPA

BREATHING ON YA?

WHAT'S IT LIKE UP IN A CABIN?

WHERE'S YOUR BEARD, UNIBOMBER?

ARE YOU GOOD AT MATH?

WHAT'S HE LIKE?

WHAT'S IT LIKE UP IN A CABIN?

OH, SO CLOSE TO CANADA YOU LIVED

IN A DAMN IGLOO.

WHAT'S IT LIKE IN AN IGLOO?

DEFECATING IN A BUCKET.

YOU AIN'T GOT NO PLUMBING.

PROBABLY HAVE TO...

FROZEN BUCKET ON YOUR ASS.

HOW DO YOU GET IT OFF?

DO YOU CHISEL IT OFF?

YOU GOT TO DE-THAW IT AND USE

ONE OF THE BLUBBER LAMPS FROM

ONE OF THE MANY DOMESTICATED

SHEEP YOU HAVE INTIMATE

RELATIONS WITH?

COME ON NOW.

COME ON, GET.

YODELE-YE-HEE

YODELE--"

ALRIGHT.

HOW'D I DO?

ARE AN ADVANCEMENT IN A PRODUCT

THAT ALREADY SOLVED THE PROBLEM

THAT IT WAS MADE FOR, BUT NOW

WE CAN BE A LITTLE MORE LAZY.

WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

I TURN ON THE TV LATE AT NIGHT

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY,

HOUSEWIVES, ARE YOU TIRED OF

FLASHLIGHTS, TRADITIONAL,

PRIMITIVE FLASHLIGHTS?

THEY NEVER WORK.

THEY'RE SO HARD TO USE AND

SO HARD TO STORE THEM WHEN YOU

AREN'T USING THEM.

AH!

LOOK AT ALL THESE FLASHLIGHTS

FALLING ON ME."

"FLASHLIGHT BATTERIES COST

THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS A DAY."

WHAT?

AND THEN THEY PROVE IT WITH THE

REENACTMENT VIDEO.

IT'S LIKE BLACK AND WHITE,

SOME LADY IN SWEAT PANTS,

HER HAIR IS ALL FRUMPY AND SHE'S

STRUGGLING WITH A FLASHLIGHT

OUT OF THE CLOSET.

SHE FALLS DOWN A FLIGHT OF

STAIRS, "MY NECK!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I CAN'T...

THIS IS, AH...

YOU KNOW I'M A SINGLE MOTHER

WITH THREE KIDS.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR A HANDHELD

LIGHT SOURCE."

THAT'S OKAY, 'CAUSE NOW THERE'S

EASY ADHESIVE 99 CENT FOR A

DOZEN TAP-IT LAMPS THAT YOU CAN

ADHERE TO THE WALL RIGHT NEXT TO

YOUR CRAFTMATIC ADJUSTABLE BED

SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET OUT OF

IT ALL THE DAMN TIME.

JUST LAY THERE AND ORDER MORE

STUFF IN THE FETAL POSITION,

CRYING.

"I WANT TO EXERCISE, BUT YOU'VE

GOT TO MOVE YOUR DAMN BODY SO

MUCH."

THAT'S OKAY.

ORDER THESE ELECTRIC SHOCK PADS

AND STICK THEM TO YOUR ABS FOR

THAT WASHBOARD ABS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

STICK THEM ON YOUR FACE,

GET A WASHBOARD FACE.

WASHBOARD YOUR WHOLE BODY.

JOIN A JUG BAND WITH A FROG

AND AN OTTER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M...

COME ON.

YEAH, I'M HERE AT THE OFFICE.

I'M SILENTLY WORKING OUT.

NO ONE KNOWS I'M DEFINING

MY JAW LINE RIGHT NOW.

BOSS'S HAPPY.

PRODUCTIVITY IS UP.

THANKS.

HOT COFFEE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY EVERY, HEY!

HEY!

I MAY JUST GRAB THIS TOASTER

AND JUMP IN THE BATHTUB.

OH, THANK YOU, AB SHOCKER.

YOU CAN SEE ALL MY MUSCLES

'CAUSE MY SKIN IS MELTED.

BUT THAT'S HEALTHY.

IT'S A HEALTH KICK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MIDWEST, BUT I LIVE IN L.A. NOW.

WHAT I DON'T MISS ABOUT

THE MIDWEST IS GOING OUT IN

THE MIDWEST, 'CAUSE GOING OUT

IN L.A. CAN BE KIND OF FUN

SOMETIMES.

EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE THERE'LL BE

AN OPEN BAR PARTY UP IN THE

HOLLYWOOD HILLS WHERE MAYBE YOU

GET A LITTLE DRUNK

AND YOU HIT ON FRED SAVAGE.

HI, EMBARRASSING.

BUT GOING OUT IN THE MIDWEST IS

LIKE PUTTING ON A PLAID SHIRT,

GOING TO A BAR CALLED

SNEAKY PETE'S, DRINKING 20

NATURAL LIGHTS, AND GRINDING

IN THE CORNER TO "YOU CAN CALL

ME AL."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S GRIM.

IT'S GRIM.

I WAS EXCITED TO GO HOME THIS

TIME, BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME

IN 26 YEARS I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

CAN I GET SOME APPLAUSE FOR

THAT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

AND I THINK IT'S BEEN HARD

FOR A COUPLE REASONS.

FIRST OF ALL, FOR AS LONG AS

I CAN REMEMBER, I'VE HAD AN

EATING DISORDER.

REVERSE ANOREXIA.

THAT'S WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR

AND THINK I'M REALLY SKINNY.

IT'S TOTALLY FUN FOR ME,

BUT IT'S NOT FUN FOR ALL THE

SKINNY BITCHES I HANG OUT WITH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M LIKE "YOU CAN'T EAT THAT?

(BLEEP).

SLAP THAT ON MY PLATE.

I WON'T PUT ON A POUND."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

PLUS, YOU KNOW I'M FROM THE

MIDWEST, LIKE I SAID,

AND YOU KNOW, OUT IN L.A.,

WHEN PEOPLE ARE HUNGRY,

WHEN GIRLS ARE HUNGRY,

THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

I'M LIKE REALLY HUNGRY.

I COULD LIKE TOTALLY GO FOR LIKE

A TOFU BRUSSELS SPROUT LETTUCE

WRAP."

RIGHT.

I'M FROM OHIO.

WHEN I'M HUNGRY I'M LIKE

"I COULD REALLY GO FOR SOME COW

RIGHT NOW.

JUST A WHOLE (BLEEP) COW."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO THE WAY THAT ME AND MY

BOYFRIEND GOT TOGETHER,

OF COURSE PRETTY CLASSIC.

HE'S IN A BAND AND I WENT TO SEE

HIS BAND PLAY, BUT I WAS LIKE A

LITTLE BIT NERVOUS SO I WAS LIKE

SITTING IN THE CORNER POUNDING

DRINKS.

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO POUNDS

DRINKS WHEN THEY LIKE SOMEONE?

ANYWAY...

OKAY, SO I WAS POUNDING DRINKS

IN THE CORNER AND FINALLY I WAS,

AND I WAS WITH ONE OF MY LITTLE

GAY FRIENDS, 'CAUSE CLEARLY

I HAVE HUNDREDS OF THOSE...

[CHEERING]

AND I WAS LIKE, "OKAY.

I'M LIKE TOTALLY READY TO MAKE

MY MOVE.

LIKE WHAT DO I DO?"

HE'S LIKE, "OKAY.

GIVE HIM A BIG HUG SO HE FEELS

YOUR BOOBS AND THINKS ABOUT

HAVING SEX WITH YOU."

I'M LIKE "GAY GUYS ARE SO

SMART."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT IT TOTALLY BACKFIRED ON ME

AND I GAVE HIM THIS BIG LIKE

URRR, THIS LIKE GIGANTIC RRRR,

AND THE NEXT THING I HEARD WAS

"OOOHHH, MY RIBS!

MY RIBS!"

TURNS OUT HE'D FALLEN THE

WEEKEND BEFORE AND HE HAD THREE

BRUISED RIBS, AND LAVERNE AND

SHIRLEY, MY GIRLS, BROKE THEM.

I BROKE MY BOYFRIEND'S RIBS.

P.S. I TOTALLY WIN.

HE'S TOTALLY MY BOYFRIEND.

I'M LISA GOPMAN.

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