Monday, February 8, 2016

  • 02/08/2016

Nikki Glaser, Kevin Nealon and Jim Jefferies look back on presidential candidates' teen years, come up with #NSFWShows and respond to a bizarre Craigslist ad.

Ripped from today's Internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh.

(applause and cheering)

Here's your listof trendingest topics

on the World Wide Web today.

Top of the trends-- Red Lobster.

Red Lobster was stunnedto find itself back in business

this weekend after...

Destiny's golden ChildBeyoncé gave it a shout-out

in her new song "Formation."Take a listen.

♪ When he (bleep) me good,I take his ass to Red Lobster ♪

♪ 'Cause I slay

♪ When he (bleep) me good, Itake his ass to Red Lobster... ♪

-Now, just... let me just...-(laughter)

Just in caseyou didn't catch that,

'cause it happened real fast.

"When he (bleep) me good..."

(laughter)

"...I take his assto Red Lobster."

-JEFFERIES: Yes.-(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

So, my question is, wherethe (bleep) do you take him

if he (bleep) you poorly?

(laughter and groaning)

-Joe's Crab Shack.-HARDWICK: Joe's Crab Shack.

(laughter)

HARDWICK:Joe has crabs.

So, roughly eight hoursafter the video dropped,

Red Lobster chimed inwith this tweet.

And they might as well justhired Jeb Bush to do BMX tricks.

It says, uh,"'Cheddar Bey Biscuits'

has a nice ring to it,don't you think?"

That's the appropriate reaction.

Fans were-- how you say--the disappoint.

Well, here's...

"Y'all had hours, and that'swhat you came up with?"

(laughter)

So, comedians, now that...now that we know that

Red Lobsteris a post-coital (bleep) shack,

what are some sexy items

you might you find there?Uh, Nikki Glaser.

Uh, that soup that looks like...

Uh, New England (bleep) chowder.

-HARDWICK: Yeah, okay.-(laughter and groaning)

Kevin Nealon.

Um, well, a couple of items.Uh, glory sole.

-HARDWICK: Uh-huh. -And, also,uh, Chilean sea ass.

HARDWICK:Yes, perfect.

And you haveto have the bibs with these.

HARDWICK:Yeah, that's right.

-Yeah, that would be very,very messy. -It's very sloppy.

HARDWICK: Points, Kevin Nealon.Points. Thank you for that.

Jim Jefferies.

Uh, two in the surf,one in the turf.

-HARDWICK: Yeah, points.-(laughter, applause & cheering)

-Points.-Good answer. Good answer.

JEFFERIES:The turf would be

-the asshole. -HARDWICK:I think so, yeah, yeah.

JEFFERIES:The surf would be the moist...

-the vaginal area.-(laughter)

Okay.

-It works on two levels.-(laughter)

HARDWICK: I just wanta segment where you come in

and explainevery double entendre like that

with your arms folded.

Onto our next topic-- swag.

Aside from getting to see

Jennifer Lawrence tripin real time,

one perk of going to the Oscarsis the luxury swag bag

worth morethan most people make in a year.

Cartoonist Julia Wertztweeted out

this infuriating bag this year,which includes,

a 15-day walking tour of Japan,worth $54,000.

Or you could just walk aroundwith an Asian guy all day,

but I guess that's 54 grand.

A meal donation of hour choice

to the animal shelterthat you want. Boring.

And something calleda "vampire breast lift,"

which is either a horrifyingprocedure for humans,

or a very sexy procedurefor vampires.

Either way, the Kardashiansdefinitely do it.

It is a prize package worth...$232,000!

(applause and cheering)

The bag alsoincludes a $275 item

that most people payway less for.

What item in the Oscars gift bagcost 275 bucks? Kevin.

A Blockbuster Video gift card.

(laughter, applause)

That's not the answer,but I'm gonna give you points.

Jim Jefferies.

You see, because they don't havegift cards anymore, and, um...

HARDWICK:Hey, hey, hey, you're stealing

-Jefferies' spin.-NEALON: Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Jim.

Uh, personal meet and greetwith an actual black person.

All right, points.

The correct answeris frigging toilet paper. $275.

-NEALON: Wow. -E... -MAN: Boo.

Exactly.

Unless you used it.Then it'd be amazing.

Uh, on to our next topic,#ChineseNewYear.

#ChineseNewYear.While everyone's celebrating

horses and panthers, we shouldhave been celebrating monkeys,

because it is officiallythe Year of the Monkey, y'all.

Monkey!

That's right. That's right.

Thank you, Michael Buffer.

That was from the Oscarsthat David Letterman hosted

and everyone gave him (bleep)about it but I thought

he did a real good job,'cause (bleep) the media.

Uh... Anyway, happyChinese New Year, everyone.

One designer marked the holidaywith a minimalist monkey poster,

but what did it end uplooking like?

A, a man puking on himself.

B, a baby flipping someone off.

C, Butt sex.

Jim Jefferies.

A man puking on himself.

Jim, I'm verydisappointed in you.

Of all people.

-What? Butt sex.-When in doubt,

the answer is always butt sex.Take a look. There...

Now...

-I guess... -JEFFERIES: What arethe bits on the side?

...this is sort of a monkeyif you draw a head around it,

but... here's the monkey's ears

and its balls and its bifurcateddick shaft, uh...

-slamming into an anus.-Ugh.

It's now time for tonight's#HashtagWars.

I'm very happy to tell you thattomorrow night is the premiere

of Not Safe with Nikki Glaser, right here on Comedy Central.

-Huge congratulations to NikkiGlaser. -(cheering, applause)

Nikki will...

investigate the manydirty secrets we all have

with our work computer'sincognito mode,

so we'd like to help usher ina new era of filthy television

for you as you launchthe show that I hope

-runs for many, many,many seasons. -Thank you.

Uh, the hashtag tonightis #NSFWShows.

Examples might be House of Nards.

There's Kevin Spacey's nardson the Lincoln Monument.

Uh, Walking Head would...So, of course, Talking Head.

and then, uh, Ass Midnight would be another one.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Jim Jefferies. -Two Broke Girls, One Cup.

Points.Kevin.

-King of Queefs. -Yes, points.

-Nikki. -Family Splatters.

Points. Kevin.

-69 minutes. -Yes, points. Nikki Glaser.

Are You Harder Than A Fifth Grader?

Oh. Oh.

So good. Points.Nikki... I mean Kevin.

-Uh, SpongeBob StickyPants. -Yes, points.

Jim.

Inside Amy Schumer. You don'thave to change that one.

Yeah, I know, that one'sright there.

It's time to playTwenty Six Teen Candidates.

Twenty Six Teen Candidates.

To help votersmake up their minds, uh,

before Tuesday's New Hampshire--N'ampshire-- primary,

both partiesheld debates last week,

the highlight of whichhappened before the Republicans

even took the stage.

Here we go.

WOMAN:Dr. Ben Carson.

MAN:Texas senator Ted Cruz.

HARDWICK: And he'll...He's just gonna hang there.

He just hangs there.

They already introd... They-theyalready introduced him.

It's shocking how longhe just stays there.

MAN: Former Florida governorJeb Bush.

They have...He has to walk around them.

That... that's nice--

a tra... a traffic jam

not caused by Chris Christie,for a change. Uh...

But if you think...but if you think

the presidential candidatesare awkward now,

just imagine whatthey were like as teenagers.

Luckily, the Independent Journal Review

posted a listof the candidates as teens.

So I'm gonna show youa teenage pic of a candidate,

and for 250 points I would likeyou to answer a question

about them. Very simple.First up, Chris Christie.

Chris Christie.There he is.

GLASER:Oh, dear.

Yeah, this guy'sgonna run for president.

-GLASER: Ugh.-Uh, what was his senior quote?

Jim Jefferies.

"I can't believeI ate the whole thing."

Points. Points.

Kevin Nealon.

Um...

bigger things to come.

Yeah, points.Points. Definitely.

Next one, uh, Hillary Clinton.Hillary Clinton.

There she is. All right.

-NEALON: All right.-GLASER: Hello.

What, uh, what clubis she in there?

-Nikki.-Pen 15 club?

Yeah, points.Kevin Nealon.

Uh, the Itty BittyTitty Committee.

Technically, this next candidatedropped out, but, uh,

the world reallyneeds to see this picture

of Rand Paul dissecting a cat.

Uh... there he is.

He's c... clearly gettinga boner about it, I guess.

How did... how didhe ask out his prom date?

Jim.

By putting a cat back together.

Points.Kevin Nealon.

Well, uh, Chris, what he did washe just send her this picture

and said, "You're next."

Points.

Nikki.

Well, I don't knowhow he asked her,

-but then, uh,the cat said no. -Points.

See, I really think hesent her that and was just like,

"That's not the only pussyI'm gonna tear up at prom."

-Oh...-Oh! There you go.

What?

Next up, how about Marco Rubio.

Marco Rubio.It's, uh, not that different.

Not that different.

What superlativedid Marco win? Nikki.

Best locker room blow jobs.

Yes, poi...

GLASER:You know it.

Jim... Points.Jim Jefferies.

Least Hispanic.

All right, points.Points.

Next up, I...

I think we have a tintypeof Bernie Sanders here.

This is the first Olympics.

Uh, what was...

what was the captionfor this photo

in the school newspaper, Nikki?

Running like a girl beforegirls were allowed to run.

Points.Points.

Kevin.

Uh, this is the first picturetaken with a photograph machine.

Yes, p...

Points.

And finally, Ted Cruz was askedas a teen what he wanted to do

with his life, and he said this.

Take over the world.World domination.

You know, rule everything.

Rich, powerful.That sort of stuff.

Who would have guessed that thatwould be a thing he would say

as a teenager?

What did he sayin his graduation speech?

Kevin.

You won't have Ted Cruz,the president

of the Itty Bitty Titty Club,to kick around anymore.

Points.

Points. Jim Jefferies.

My fellow Canadians...

Before the break, I showed you

a craigslist post invitinga clown to volunteer

to get blackout drunkand maybe (bleep) somebody

at a Super Bowl party,and then I asked you to respond

to that posting asan interested alcoholic clown.

Let's see what you came up with.Kevin, let's start with you.

All right. Thank you, Chris.

W-Would you be coolwith a clown on angel dust?

Hit me back... hit me back,@DustyTheDustClown.

Everyone's gotto have a gimmick.

Every clown needs a gimmick.

-His just happensto be angel dust. -Yeah.

-Nikki Glaser.-Uh, hi, I'm Nikki.

I'm not technically a clown.But one time when I got

blackout drunk,I did wake up with white stuff

-on my face, so...-All right.

(groaning, laughter)

Jim.

Hello, my name is Donald Trump.

I do not drink,but I am a clown.

And I will not just (bleep)someone at your party.

I will (bleep) every man, woman,and child in America.

As we go to our next game,AskReddit: Sex Ed Edition.

Redditor Mollymonkey101 postedthis fascinating query

in-in AskReddit:"Sex Ed teachers of reddit,

what is the stupidest questionyou've ever gotten?"

Among the avalanche of gemswas this one: "It's fun, right?"

Um... yes,but not with an alcoholic clown

at a Super Bowl party,I think would be the answer.

So, comedians, I want you to askeven dumber sex ed questions

in 60 seconds. And begin.Uh, Jim.

I have two girls,but I don't have a cup.

-Will a mug work?-Points.

Nikki.

How old are balls?

Points.

Kevin.

Does it count as cheatingif it's just oral

and you're related?

Poi...

Points.

Jim Jefferies.

My friend saysthat woman can have orgasms.

Is he gay or just stupid?

Points. Kevin.

Where in the Bible does it saythat Jesus is cool

with the butt stuff?

Points. Nikki Glaser.

Who wins?

Points.

Kevin.

How much blood should bein the ejaculate?

A gallon?

Is it... is it...

No, seriously.

If it's... Is it morethan a gallon, is that bad?

More than a gallon. I thinkless than a gallon's okay.

-More than a gallon's bad.Points. -All right, okay, good.