Tuesday, March 11, 2014

  • 03/11/2014

Dominic Monaghan, Kulap Vilaysack and Howard Kremer list #SpringBreakBooks, watch creepy mascot sex and finish #ThatAwkwardMoment tweets.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GET BACK TO YOUR HELL MOUTH,

PIERRE THE PELICAN.

WE'VE GOT SOME SEXY NEW MASCOT

NEWS.

MR. MET JOINED TWITTER YESTERDAY

AND IMMEDIATELY THINGS WENT

SOUTH FOR THE MASCOT.

SOON AFTER MR. MET JOINED

TWITTER, SLUGGER, THE KANSAS

CITY ROYAL MASCOT, TWEETED

@MRMET ASKING WHY MRS. MET

HASN'T CALLED HIM BACK.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

THIS, BY THE WAY, WAS ALMOST

IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWED BY OTHER

MASCOTS TWEETING PICTURES OF

THEMSELVES CAVORTING WITH MRS.

MET.

WHAT?

(LAUGHTER)

COMEDIANS, BEFORE MAKING A

CUCKOLD OUT OF MR. MET, WHAT

SCANDAL DID SLUGGER THE KANSAS

CITY MASCOT DEAL WITH IN HIS

SORDID PAST?

A) HE WAS ACCUSED OF FAVORING

WHITE CHILDREN DURING A ROYALS

FAMILY DAY PICNIC.

B) HE WAS ALLEGEDLY CAUGHT

GETTING HUMPED BY A STRIPPER AT

A STAG PARTY.

C) HE WAS ACCUSED OF PASSING OUT

COTTON CANDY LACED WITH PCP AT A

HOME GAME.

(LAUGHTER)

WHICH ONE OF THOSE IS REAL?

YES, KULAP.

>> I SAY A, BECAUSE RACISM STILL

EXISTS.

>> Chris: YEAH, WELL, IT DOES

STILL EXIST, BUT THIS IS THE

CORRECT ANSWER.

AND JUST IN CASE... YOU'RE

PROBABLY LIKE, "CHRIS HARDWICK,

THAT DIDN'T REALLY HAPPEN," AND

I SAY EXHIBIT A!

(AUDIENCE SHOUTS)

>> WOW.

>> Chris: KULAP'S TRYING TO

FIGURE IT OUT.

THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT

COULD MAKE THAT COSTUME LOOK

SMELLIER.

EVERYTHING IN THIS PICTURE LOOKS

SMELL-- THE COUCH, THAT DUDE.

>> IT LOOKS LIKE "TRUE

DETECTIVE" SEASON TWO.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS, 100 POINTS FOR

HOWARD KREMER.

THIS WAS NOT PHOTOSHOPPED.

THIS WAS A REAL SCANDAL.

AS A BONUS QUESTION PLEASE GIVE

ME THE URBAN DICTIONARY TERM FOR

HAVING SEX WITH A MASCOT.

KULAP.

>> FOAM FINGER BLASTING.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: NUMBER ONE, NUMBER

ONE!

POINTS.

NUMBER ONE!

>> UNLOADING THE OLD T-SHIRT

CANNON.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU

100 POINTS FOR THAT AND OF

COURSE, BY ALL RIGHTS A MASCOT

WOULD EJACULATE SHIRTS ALL OVER

SOMEONE.

(LAUGHTER)

ROLLED UP SHIRTS.

ALL RIGHT, MOVING ON.

ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE, ZACH

GALIFIANAKIS BLEW THE (BLEEP)

OFF THE INTERNET WITH A VERY

SPECIAL EPISODE OF "BETWEEN TWO

FERNS" FEATURING THE PRESIDENT

OF THE UNITED STATES.

BARACK OBAMA DID A BETWEEN...

THERE HE IS, BARACK OBAMA,

COMMUNITY ORGANIZER.

THIS VIDEO ON "FUNNY OR DIE" HAS

ACCUMULATED OVER SEVEN MILLION

VIEWS IN ITS FIRST FULL DAY.

AND MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT

SOMETHING LIKE "FUNNY OR DIE,"

THIS HAPPENS ON THE ONION TOO IS

THAT PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND

THAT IT IS A COMEDY WEBSITE.

JUST LOOK, THERE ARE VIDEOS ON

THERE THAT ARE LIKE PSA BOOBS.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S COMEDY, IT'S FOR FUN.

I FEEL LIKE NO MATTER WHAT SIDE

OF THE PARTISAN FENCE YOU FALL

ON, THIS (BLEEP) IS FUNNY.

SO WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS A

REAL YOUTUBE COMMENT BY SOMEONE

WHO DIDN'T QUITE UNDERSTAND THAT

COMEDY WAS HAPPENING?

A) DISGUSTINGLY DISRESPECTFUL TO

AN AMERICAN PRESIDENT.

TRY THIS WITH PUTIN AND YOU

WOULD DISAPPEAR IN LESS THAN AN

HOUR.

(LAUGHTER)

B) HOW THE HELL DO YOU NOT KNOW

YOU ARE HAVING AN INTERVIEW IN

THE FREAKING WHITE HOUSE, MORON?

(LAUGHTER)

C) FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE.

THEY WE'RE NOT IN THE SAME ROOM.

(LAUGHTER)

WHICH ONE OF THOSE IS A REAL

YOUTUBE COMMENT ABOUT THIS

VIDEO?

DOM.

>> IT HAS GOT TO BE C, BECAUSE

OF THE APOSTROPHE ALONE.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

OH, THEY'RE ACTUALLY ALL REAL

ANSWERS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

TONIGHT'S #HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I HOPE YOU HAVE YOUR WADING

BOOTS ON BECAUSE WE ARE KNEE

DEEP IN SPRING BREAK OR FACE

DOWN IN SPRING BREAK IN SOME

CASES.

BUT EITHER WAY, THERE IS NOT A

LOT OF STUDYING GOING ON RIGHT

NOW, WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS SPRING BREAK BOOKS.

SPRING BREAK BOOKS.

SO EXAMPLES MIGHT BE "THE OLD

MAN AND THE C MINUS STUDENT" OR

"TEEN BEOWULF" OR "GULLIVER'S

TRAVELS TO DAYTONA BEACH."

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK AND GO!

DOM.

>> TALE OF TWO TITTIES.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

EVEN MORE DELIGHTFUL WITH YOUR

ACCENT.

YES, KULAP.

>> BRAVE NUDE WORLD.

>> Chris: YES, BRAVE NUDE WORLD,

POINTS.

KREMER.

>> THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON

TATTOO ON HER LOWER BACK.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

A LOT OF THOSE-- DOM.

>> MOBY'S DICK.

>> Chris: YES, MOBY'S DICK!

(LAUGHTER)

POINTS.

KULAP.

>> GONORRHEA WITH THE WIND.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO GET TO WAKE

UP TO THAT AT THE END OF SPRING

BREAK.

DOM.

>> GREAT SEX-PECTATIONS.

>> Chris: YES, GREAT

SEX-PECTATIONS, WONDERFUL.

POINTS.

>> BRO-LITA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I'M JUST LAYERING

NABOKOV'S WORK WITH BRO

IN EVERYTHING.

AND IT TOTALLY MAKES IT AWFUL.

YES, POINTS TO YOU.

KREMER.

>> SOPHIE'S CHOICE PIECE OF ASS.

(LAUGHTER)

(BUZZER)

MOMENT."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO READ YOU

THE BEGINNING PART OF A TWEET

STARTING WITH A HASHTAG "THAT

AWKWARD MOMENT" AND YOU HAVE TO

COME UP WITH A FUNNY END TO THE

TWEET.

IF THE AUDIENCE ENJOYS YOUR

ANSWER YOU WILL GET 250 POINTS.

IT IS THAT SIMPLE.

OKAY, FIRST ONE, THAT AWKWARD

MOMENT WHEN YOU ARE WATCHING TV

AND THEN DOZE OFF AND THE NEXT

THING YOU KNOW... BLANK.

YES, DOM.

>> SOMEONE'S IN YOUR MOUTH.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: HE SAID IT SO

INNOCENTLY.

THAT COULD MEAN ANYTHING.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE DIRTY.

MAYBE IT'S A TINY PERSON, WHO

KNOWS.

FIRST OF ALL, I'M GOING TO GIVE

YOU POINTS NO MATTER WHAT.

LET'S FIND OUT WHAT THE ACTUAL

FILL IN THE BLANK WAS.

YOU'RE IN A ROOM WITH GEORGE

LOPEZ.

#SOTIRED.

>> SO TIRED, SO TIRED.

>> Chris: SO TIRED.

THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN YOUR

ROOMMATES ARE HAVING SEX, AND IT

TURNS OUT... BLANK.

KULAP.

>> YOU DON'T HAVE ROOMMATES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS TO YOU FOR

GHOST ROOMMATES.

THE ACTUAL ANSWER IS "AND IT

TURNS OUT TO BE GUMMY THE

HAMSTER ROLLING AROUND

IN HER BALL."

(LAUGHTER)

THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN YOUR

TEACHER BELIEVES... BLANK.

HOWARD?

>> THAT YOU COULD PULL OUT

WITHOUT GETTING HER PREGNANT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS TO KREMER.

>> YES!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE

PART ABOUT THE WAY YOU ANSWERED

THAT IS THAT YOU BLURTED IT OUT

LIKE WE JUST WOKE YOU UP.

(LAUGHTER)

"IF YOU CAN PULL OUT WITHOUT

GETTING HER PREGNANT."

WHO SAID WHAT NOW?

WHEN YOUR TEACHER BELIEVES IN

YOU MORE THAN YOU BELIEVE IN

YOURSELF.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

I THINK IT'S STILL FUNNIER TO

(BLEEP) IN THEM.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GUYS, IF YOU SPEND ENOUGH TIME

ON YOUTUBE YOU WILL REALIZE THAT

IT IS AN ENDLESS WORMHOLE OF

ENTIRE CHANNELS DEVOTED TO

AMAZING THINGS THAT WILL EAT UP

YOUR ENTIRE DAY AND THEN YOU'LL

HAVE TO SIFT THROUGH YOUR LIFE,

THROUGH ITS POOP.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE TITLE

OF TWO POTENTIAL YOUTUBE

CHANNELS AND YOU HAVE TO TELL ME

WHICH ONE IS REAL.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST ONE.

A CHANNEL OF A GRANDMA TEACHING

MOMS HOW TO PROPERLY FOLD

NAPKINS OR A CHANNEL DEVOTED TO

A GUY SMOKING DIFFERENT PIPES

WITH DIFFERENT HATS.

(LAUGHTER)

KULAP.

>> OH, IT'S A DIFFERENT PIPES

WITH DIFFERENT HATS.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> MORE!

>> Chris: THAT IS LIKE A

(BLEEP) "FAR SIDE" CARTOON.

(LAUGHTER)

POINTS TO KULAP ON THAT.

>> I BET HIS EYEBROWS SMELL

AMAZING.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT.

AN OLD MAN WHO WRITES MESSAGES

ON BALLOONS AND THEN BLOWS THEM

UP UNTIL THEY POP OR A WOMAN WHO

SHOWS HOW TO REDISTRIBUTE KITTY

LITTER BY KEEPING THEM IN CEREAL

BOXES.

(LAUGHTER)

DOMINIC.

>> I REALLY WANT TO SEE THE

KITTY LITTER THING.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, LET'S FIND

OUT.

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ALLISON.

>> AW...

>> OH, NO, NO, NO.

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ALLISON.

(LAUGHTER)

>> HE IS YOUNGER THAN HIS

COMPUTER, THOUGH.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"I BOUGHT THIS BACK IN 1988, I

DID, I DON'T NEED TO BUY ANOTHER

ONE."

(LAUGHTER)

IT WORKS JUST FINE.

>> EVERY BRITISH GUY IS FROM

"MARY POPPINS."

(LAUGHTER)

'ELLO, MARY.

OH, I GOT A BALLOON.

CHIMNEY SWEEP, CHIMNEY SWEEP.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THERE ARE TONS OF E-CARD WEB

SITES ONLINE THAT PROVIDE

SINCERE AND FUNNY MESSAGES FOR

ANY HOLIDAY AND/OR OCCASION.

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO

NAME E-CARD MESSAGES THAT YOU

WOULD NEVER WANT TO RECEIVE.

AS MANY AS YOU CAN IN 60

SECONDS AND GO.

DOM.

>> HAPPY MOTHER(BLEEP) DAY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KREMER.

>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, JEW!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

KULAP.

>> SORRY I (BLEEP) YOUR UBER

DRIVER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

KREMER.

>> HEP-C BIRTHDAY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: IS THAT THE DAY THAT

YOU GOT HEP-C?

>> YES, YES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

DOM.

>> SORRY YOU'RE BLIND, THE NEXT

CARD WILL BE IN BRAILLE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

YES, THAT'S NICE.

KREMER.

>> OUR SINCEREST CONDOLENCES ON

YOUR ENGAGEMENT TO JUAN PABLO.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: BEAUTIFUL.

POINTS FOR SURE.

KULAP.

>> SORRY I TOLD YOU I WAS YOUR

SISTER; I'M YOUR MOTHER.

J.K I'M YOUR DAD.

(LAUGHTER)

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