Tuesday, March 11, 2014

  • 03/11/2014

Dominic Monaghan, Kulap Vilaysack and Howard Kremer list #SpringBreakBooks, watch creepy mascot sex and finish #ThatAwkwardMoment tweets.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES,

IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

>> SEXY PELICAN MASCOT WE HAVENEW SEXY NEWS, SLUGGER, THE

KANSAS CITY ROYAL MASCOT TWEETEDAT MR. MET ASKING WHY MRS. MET

HASN'T CALLED HIM BACK.

>> WHICH WAS ALMOST IMMEDIATELYFOLLOWED BY OTHER MASCOTS

TWEETING PICTURES OF THEMSELVESCAVORTING WITH MRS. MET.

COMEDIANS, BEFORE MAKING ACUCKOLD OUT OF MR. MET, WHAT

SCANDAL DID SLUGGER THE KANSASCITY MASCOT DEAL WITH IN HIS

SORDID PAST?

>> A, HE WAS ACCUSED OF FAVORINGWHITE CHILDREN DURING A ROYALS

FAMILY DAY PICNIC.

>> WB, HE WAS ALLEGEDLY CAUGHTGETTING HUMPED BY A STRIPPER AT

A STAG PARTY.

>> C.

HE WAS ACCUSED OF PASSING OUTCOTTON CANDY LACED WITH PCP AT A

HOME GAME.

WHICH ONE OF THOSE IS REAL.

>> YES, KULAP.

>> I SAY A, BECAUSE RACISM STILLEXISTS.

>> Chris: YES, IT DOES BUTTHIS IS THE CORRECT ANSWER.

>> JUST IN CASE -- YOU THINKTHAT DIDN'T ACTUALLY HAPPEN AND

I GIVE YOU EXHIBIT A!

>> THIS IS THE ONLY THING THATCOULD MAKE THAT COSTUME LOOK

SMELLIER.

EVERYTHING IN THIS PICTURE LOOKSSMELLLY, THE COUCH, THAT DUDE.

>> HOW ABOUT SEASON 2?

>> Chris: THIS IS NOTPHOTOSHOPPED. THIS IS A REAL

SCANDAL.

AS A BONUS QUESTION PLEASE GIVEME THE URBAN DICTIONARY TERM FOR

HAVING SEX WITH A MASCOT.

>> FOAM FINGER BLASTING.

>> Chris: NUMBER ONE, NUMBERONE!

>> NUMBER ONE!

>> REMOVING THE OLD T-SHIRTCANNON.

>> Chris: I GIVE YOU 100POINTS BY THAT AND THE MASCOT

WOULD EJACULATE SHIRTS ALL OVERYOU.

ROLLED UP SHIRTS.

>> Chris: MOVING ON.

THIS BLEW THE (BLEEP) OFF THEINTERNET BETWEEN TWO FERNS

FEATURING THE PRESIDENT OF THEUNITED STATES.

>> BARACK OBAMA DID BETWEEN TWOFERNS, BARACK OBAMA THE

COMMUNITY ORGANIZER.

GOT OVER 70 MILLION VIEWS IN ITSFIRST FULL DAY AND WITH

EVERYTHING ABOUT (BLEEP) THISHAPPENS, PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND

THAT IT IS A COMEDY WEB SITE.

JUST LOOK FOR THE VIDEOS ONTHERE THAT ARE LIKE PSA BOOBLS.

IT IS COMEDY, IT IS FUN.

IT IS LIKE NO MATTER WHAT SIDEOF THE FENCE YOU FALL ON THIS

(BLEEP) IS FUNNY.

SO WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS AREAL YOUTUBE COMMENT BY SOMEONE

WHO DIDN'T QUITE UNDERSTAND THATCOMEDY WAS HAPPENING.

A.

>> DISGUSTINGLY DISRESPECTFUL TOTHE PRESIDENT.

DO THIS TO PUTIN AND HE WOULDDISAPPEAR IN LESS THAN AN HOUR.

B, HOW THE HELL DO YOU NOT KNOWYOU ARE HAVING AN INTERVIEW AT

THE FREAKING WHITE HOUSE, MORON!

>> C.

FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE.

THEY WEIRD NOT IN THE SAME ROOM.

>> FAKE, FAKE, FAKE.

>> WHICH ONE OF THOSE IS A REALYOUTUBE ABOUT THIS VIDEO?

>> IT HAS GOT TO BE C, BECAUSEOF THE APOSTROPHE ALONE.

>> OH, THEY ARE ACTUALLY ALLREAL!

>> IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

I HOPE YOU HAVE YOUR WADINGBOOTS ON BECAUSE WE ARE KNEE

DEEP IN SPRING BREAK OR FACEDOWN IN SPRING BREAK IN SOME

CASES.

BUT EITHER WAY, THERE IS NOT ALOT OF STUDYING GOING ON TONIGHT

WHICH IS WHY DON'T'S HASHTAG ISSPRING BREAK BOOKS.

EXAMPLES MAY BE THE OLD MAN ANDTHE C MINUS STUDENT OR TEEN

BEOWULF OR GULLIVER'S TRAVELSTODAY TO NAAH BEACH.

60-SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO!

>> A TALE OF TWO TITTIES.

>> BRAVE NUDE WORLD.

>> KREMER.

>> THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGONTATTOO ON HER LOWER BACK.

>> Chris: DOM.

>> MOBY'S DICK.

>> Chris: YES.

MOBY'S DICK! POINTS.

KULAP.

>> GONORRHEA WITH THE WIND.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> GREAT SEX-PECTATION.

>> Chris: POINTS! >> BROLITA!

>> JUST LAYERING HOW THIS WORKSWITH BRO IN EVERYTHING.

>> Chris:.

>> TOTALLY MAKES IT AWFUL.

>> SOPHIE'S CHOICE PIECE OF ASS.

THAT AWKWARD MOMENT!

THAT AWKWARD MOMENT!

COMEDIANS I WILL READ YOU THEBEGINNING PART OF A TWEET

STARTING WITH THE HASHTAG THATAWKWARD MOMENT AND YOU HAVE TO

COME UP WITH A FUNNY END TO THETWEET. IT IS THAT SIMPLE.

FIRST ONE, THAT AWKWARD MOMENTWHEN YOU ARE WATCHING TV AND

THEN DOZE OFF AND THE NEXT THINGYOU KNOW BLANK.

YES.

DOM.

>> SOMEONE'S IN YOUR MOUTH.

>> Chris: THAT COULD MEANANYTHING. DOESN'T HAVE TO BE

DIRTY. MAYBE IT'S A TINY PERSONWHO KNOWS?

I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS NO MATTERWHAT.

LET'S FIND OUT WHAT THE ACTUALLYFILL IN THE BLANK WAS.

YOU ARE IN A ROOM WITH GEORGELOPEZ.

>> I AM SO TIRED, SO TIRED.

>> Chris: THAT AWKWARDMOVEMENT WHEN YOU THINK YOUR

ROOMMATES ARE HAVING SEX BUTREALLY BLANK --

>> YOU DON'T HAVE ROOMMATES.

>> Chris: POINTS TO YOU FOR NOROOMMATES THE CORRECT ANSWER IS

IT TURNS OUT TO BE G GUMMY THEHAMSTER ROLLING AROUND IN HER

BALL.

THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN YOURTEACHER BELIEVES BLANK.

>> I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD PULLOUT AND STILL GET HER PREGNANT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> YOU BROUGHT IT OUT LIKE WE

JUST WOKE YOU UP.

>> Chris: WHEN YOUR TEACHERBELIEVES IN YOU MORE THAN YOU

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

I STILL THINK IT'S FUNNIER TO(BLEEP) IN 'EM.

YOU TUBE CHANNELS F'REAL?

IF YOU SPEND ENOUGH TIME ONYOUTUBE YOU WILL REALIZE IT'S AN

ENDLESS WORMHOLES OF CHANNELSABOUT AMAZING THINGS THAT WILL

EAT UP YOUR ENTIRE DAY AND THENYOU HAVE TO SIFT THROUGH YOUR

LIFE, THROUGH ITS POOP.

I WILL GIVE YOU THE TITLE OFSTUPID YOUTUBE CHANNELS AND YOU

HAVE TO TELL ME WHICH ONE ISREAL.

CHANNELS OF GRANDMA HOW TO FOLDNAPKINS OR A GUY SMOKING A PIPE

IN DIFFERENT HATS.

>> A DIFFERENT PIPES WITHDIFFERENT HATS.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> YEAH!

[ APPLAUSE ]>> IT LOOKS LIKE A (BLEEP) FAR

SIDECAR TOON.

>> I THINK EYEBROWS SNELLAMAZING.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

AN OLD MAN WHO WRITES MESSAGESON BALLOONS AND BLOWS THEM UP

UNTIL THEY POP OR A WOMAN WHOSHOWS HOW TO REDISTRIBUTE KITTY

LITTER BY KEEPING IT IN SERIALBOXES.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

>> AH! ..

>> EURO, HE IS YOUNGER THAN HISCOMPUTER SO DASH.

>> YEAH, HE IS YOUNGER THAN HISCOMPUTER SO --

>> Chris: POINTS!

>> EVERY BRITISH GUY IS FROMMARY POPPINS.

HELLO! I'VE GOT A BALLOON!

>> E-CARDED.

>> THERE ARE TONS OF E-CARD WEBSITES ONLINE THAT PROVIDE

SINCERE AND FUNNY MESSAGES FORANY HOLIDAY OR OCCASION.

COMEDIANS I WANT YOU TO NAMEE-CARD MESSAGES YOU WOULD NEVER

WANT TO RECEIVE.

IN 60-SECONDS.

>> HAPPY MOTHER (BLEEP)ING DAY.

>> MERRY CHRISTMAS JEW!

>> SORRY (BLEEP) YOUR (BLEEP).

>> HEP-C BIRTHDAY.

>> SORRY YOU'RE BLIND, THE NEXTCARD WILL BE IN BRAILLE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KREMER.

>> OUR SINCEREST CONDOLENCES ONYOUR ENGAGEMENT TO JUAN PABLO.

>> Chris: POINTS FOR SURE.

KULAP.

>> I'M SORRY BUT I AM NOT ONLYYOUR SISTER BUT YOUR MOTHER.

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